Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 3 of 15 FirstFirst 123456 ... LastLast
Results 21 to 30 of 142

Thread: Angry over husbands relationship with coworker

  1. #21
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    8,867
    OP, I interpreted your first post about this to mean he left some planned anniversary event to go and spend time with her and left you alone in a restaurant or theatre or something. That would upset anyone and was why I responded the way I did to that first post.

    However, it turns out that wasn't quite the case. I understand you are upset about him lying about who he was with; that's just not cool. I realize why that doesn't sit right to you. I don't think you should have packed a bag, though. Talk to him. He clearly doesn't want you this upset.

    I would also take time to figure out why this has triggered you so much. You mention you are still insecure about discovering he once lacked physical attraction to you; it appears that the lingering hurt from that discovery is still simmering below the surface.

    EDIT: I see you clarified that you didn't actually pack an overnight bag. But it is interesting to note you still scornfully add you don't work out with hot male coworkers. What happened hurts you, because you perceive this woman as hot, correct?

  2. #22
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    507
    He crossed a major boundary with lying. You need to get at the issue of why he lied.

    You were already untrusting, and this just furthered the divide. I don't see this ending well.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Age
    53
    Posts
    10,382
    Gender
    Female
    I think you are focused on the wrong details, OP.

    No cheating; its just two people going on a long run together.

    However. Please look at your marriage, athow you two resolve conflict, at ways you approach new goals as an indidual and share them with each other.

    Your marriage is in trouble. It is fixable.

    Forget about right and wrong and fair and unfair. You two have blurred your emotional boundaries and built up habits that 1) avoid confrontation, and 2) provide validation you're not getting from your own achievements and from each other.

    i suggest a therapist to help you untangle yourselves so that you can again approach each other as individuals.

  4. #24
    Originally Posted by Nickel Speed
    He crossed a major boundary with lying. You need to get at the issue of why he lied.

    You were already untrusting, and this just furthered the divide. I don't see this ending well.
    He said why he lied in his message. He didn't tell her who he went training with because he knew she would overreact, and she did. She is clearly a very insecure person.

  5.  

  6. #25
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Age
    53
    Posts
    10,382
    Gender
    Female
    important to note HIS insecurity in this marriage - her gym bag, which she uses daily or nearly so, was thought by him to be her overnight bag. Their anxious / insecure attachment is playing out exactly as their subconscious selves intend. Each sure he/she will be abandoned, he is investing in a support system who could be converted to a more intimate companion, while she is making a case that it isn't her fault so to protect her self esteem.

    OP, you each need help with faith in your ability to make this work, and with the skills of being vulnerable and turning toward each other for help.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    1,549
    Gender
    Female
    I read only the OP's posts.

    His behaviour is inappropriate. Let's be real here: any energy a couple spends outside of a relationship is just energy that's not put back into the relationship. Mutual friendships are fine, clandestine ones are not. Pushing another woman to do well in a marathon is plain ridiculous. She can very well find her own motivation elsewhere and friendships of this nature rarely go well. What is she? A child?

    Your husband's apology is warranted. If he isn't willing to distance himself from his coworker, you should be looking at a better way to live. If this isn't the type of marriage you signed up for, move forwards and live the life you deserve to live. Stop making excuses for him. You are NOT insecure. Simply work out what's acceptable for you and be true to yourself.

  8. #27
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    507
    Originally Posted by RayofLighten
    He said why he lied in his message. He didn't tell her who he went training with because he knew she would overreact, and she did. She is clearly a very insecure person.
    I read that part quite clearly. I was telling her to address the issue.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Posts
    1,971
    It is a kind of a gray area here.

    On the one hand, your H should have been upfront with you about running with a coworker. On the other hand, you should not be so insecure that he is running with a woman.

    He's running, preparing for a marathon. He is not sneaking off to a motel.

    While he owns being dishonest by leaving out the fact that he is running with this person, i do think there is something to his thinking about your overreactions to his running.

    See, the thing is, mate guarding is a failed strategy from the gitgo. If he wants to cheat? Heck, if you wanted to cheat, you can do it with ease.

    The key is to not want to do so.

    I do not think he wants to cheat. But he has found someone who will run with him to train for a marathon.

    Look, I get it. My 1st wife could teach a master class in sneaking around to cheat. The thing is, you can't let your demons rule your husband's behavior.

    Personally, if it were me? I would celebrate his running. Maybe go to the event and meet the two of them at the finish line and wish them well for a great race.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member LC8328's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2013
    Posts
    1,065
    Gender
    Female
    Everyone has some really good points. I'll add my experience.

    My first husband didn't tell me about these dreams he was having every night about a friend of mine dying. He'd emailed her a warning because he felt strongly that something would happen to her. Of course those dreams never ended up happening but that's not the point. I looked over his shoulder and saw his email and asked him "Why didn't you tell me you were having these dreams?" He said, "I don't know, you get mad about weird things." And there it is. An insight to just one way that husbands can react to wives.

    Now to defend myself this scenario is when I was young and dumb...sigh. I didn't make life easy for him so he opted to not tell me about these dreams. Seriously looking back it's such a trivial thing, they weren't even sexual dreams and even if they were...they're just dreams lady, geez . Regardless...my point is that your husband made a choice to not tell you to make life easier for himself. (Whether I agree or not is unimportant; those boundaries are different for everybody.) I agree that it doesn't look like they're having an affair. Personally, without knowing either of you, it looks to me he might be flattered by their friendship and/or that he finds her attractive, which is not a crime, but maybe it makes him feel a tad guilty. I don't think his reasons for not telling you is so cut and dry. Sometimes we do things without really thinking about the reason. What I'm trying to say is that I don't think it's a complicated thing. He chose not to tell you.

    What is the end game here? Do you want to know about all his friends and his activities, or just the female ones? Asking seriously. Whatever it is you want, talk to him about it so you can clear the air ahead of time so you are both on the same page. Just make sure that you reciprocate.

    FWIW...if I were in your shoes I would not be happy. I wouldn't pack up, but I would want to talk to him about why he chose not to tell me.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    20,697
    Originally Posted by Billie28
    I can see why he withheld some truth.
    Because withholding some truth actually allows him the freedom he should have within his marriage and that is to go for a run with someone with a similar interest.

    If he had told you who he was going for a run with , would you have allowed it ? Iím guessing not.
    If this colleague was male you would have had no issue , just like you had no issue when you assumed he was running alone.

    So, please donít make this about cutting your night short. You only have an issue with hindsight.

    A few of us had a running thing after work a few years ago.
    One of my male colleagues would join us. He loves running. I have ran with him just the two of us , sometimes him with one other female workmate and sometimes in a group. It is a female dominated workplace.

    There have been times when I or another female co worker have texted him re running and he claims not to have received the message. He is such an honest guy and so loyal to his wife but we do think she has some insecurity issues. And we believe she read his messages and deleted them.

    I feel so sorry for him that he has to tip toe around his wife purely to go go for a run with others.
    Itís so unfair on him.
    Perhaps, if he had not lied to her, she would have been fine. OP, would you have fine if it had been a male friend?

    He did not cut your anniversary short, he went on a morning run.

Page 3 of 15 FirstFirst 123456 ... LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •