Jump to content

Angry over husbands relationship with coworker


Recommended Posts

My husband and I have been together for 8 years and today was our second wedding anniversary.

 

He is a teacher and works with mostly women (older and married with kids). He is a friendly guy and loved by all but as of recent has had a friendship with a teacher who is also married with two kids but young and somewhat attractive.

 

They text each other about running (they are both runners and are training for a half marathon) and funny gifs back and forth.

 

Last weekend they attended a work party at a bar and he actually drank and was out late (something that he doesn’t usually enjoy)

 

He left early on our anniversary to go for a 10 mile run at a park 30 minutes away and through a mutual friend who saw him I found out he actually ran with this woman.

 

When I asked him if he ran alone he said yes..then after further questions he admitted he did meet up to run with her and they’ve planned this all week.

 

I am dumbfounded because he has Never been untruthful and can honestly say he is a very good man who would not cheat.

 

Am I right for being angry and disgusted that he a) lied and b) has this weird friendship?

 

He gave me his phone immediately, saying I am crazy and let me see all their texts which were not flirty, mainly about running and being partners at a staff game they play at school and a lot of inside jokes.

 

Am I crazy or is that not crossing the line?

Link to comment
  • Replies 141
  • Created
  • Last Reply

I would be very put off by the lie and the fact that he cut out on your anniversary early to spend time with her, yes.

 

Having a friend is one thing. It's the lack of transparency about it that would have my alarm bells ringing. She might not have any romantic inclinations towards him, but I would certainly be wondering if he feels something more than friendship towards her.

 

I think you two need to sit down and really talk about this. You can explain that his dishonesty is the problem, and ask him why he feels he can't be open with you about his friendship with her.

 

EDIT: I took a look at your posting history. This is the same man who made a pro/con list about you before getting married, and listed as a big con his lack of physical attraction towards you? https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=529333 Was that ever truly addressed before you married?

Link to comment
I would be very put off by the lie and the fact that he cut out on your anniversary early to spend time with her, yes.

 

Having a friend is one thing. It's the lack of transparency about it that would have my alarm bells ringing. She might not have any romantic inclinations towards him, but I would certainly be wondering if he feels something more than friendship towards her.

 

I think you two need to sit down and really talk about this. You can explain that his dishonesty is the problem, and ask him why he feels he can't be open with you about his friendship with her.

 

EDIT: I took a look at your posting history. This is the same man who made a pro/con list about you before getting married, and listed as a big con his lack of physical attraction towards you? https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=529333 Was that ever truly addressed before you married?

 

Thank you for your reply. You are absolutely right. It’s the lie or withholding of the truth.

 

Yes that is the same man. We addressed it and moved on. At that point in time he was feeling unworthy, unattractive but we’ve had no issues since.

 

Part of me always feels insecure about that time though.

His reasoning for not telling me about the run was because he knew I would read more into it.

 

He took me to a broadway show last night and told me she actually recommended it as he was looking for Anniversary ideas.

 

It just does not sit well with me

Link to comment

I can see why he withheld some truth.

Because withholding some truth actually allows him the freedom he should have within his marriage and that is to go for a run with someone with a similar interest.

 

If he had told you who he was going for a run with , would you have allowed it ? I’m guessing not.

If this colleague was male you would have had no issue , just like you had no issue when you assumed he was running alone.

 

So, please don’t make this about cutting your night short. You only have an issue with hindsight.

 

A few of us had a running thing after work a few years ago.

One of my male colleagues would join us. He loves running. I have ran with him just the two of us , sometimes him with one other female workmate and sometimes in a group. It is a female dominated workplace.

 

There have been times when I or another female co worker have texted him re running and he claims not to have received the message. He is such an honest guy and so loyal to his wife but we do think she has some insecurity issues. And we believe she read his messages and deleted them.

 

I feel so sorry for him that he has to tip toe around his wife purely to go go for a run with others.

It’s so unfair on him.

Link to comment

On the one hand, it kind of looks like he may have an attracted to her, but on the other hand, there is no evidence at all that this is the case. He handed you his phone so he is clearly not hiding anything. They are training for a marathon and that means getting in as many runs as you can. I do think your paranoia may have run away with you a little here purely because he's running with a woman.

Link to comment
I can see why he withheld some truth.

Because withholding some truth actually allows him the freedom he should have within his marriage and that is to go for a run with someone with a similar interest.

 

If he had told you who he was going for a run with , would you have allowed it ? I’m guessing not.

If this colleague was male you would have had no issue , just like you had no issue when you assumed he was running alone.

 

So, please don’t make this about cutting your night short. You only have an issue with hindsight.

 

A few of us had a running thing after work a few years ago.

One of my male colleagues would join us. He loves running. I have ran with him just the two of us , sometimes him with one other female workmate and sometimes in a group. It is a female dominated workplace.

 

There have been times when I or another female co worker have texted him re running and he claims not to have received the message. He is such an honest guy and so loyal to his wife but we do think she has some insecurity issues. And we believe she read his messages and deleted them.

 

I feel so sorry for him that he has to tip toe around his wife purely to go go for a run with others.

It’s so unfair on him.

 

That makes sense and puts some perspective on things.

 

We don’t have the kind of relationship where he would need to tip toe so I’m just confused about the lie and hurt by the effort he puts into communicating with her.

 

I personally would not leave my husband on our anniversary morning to meet my male coworker in a park 30 minutes away from home on a Saturday.

Link to comment
It's cheating.

 

Don't accept blame for his actions.

 

How is running with a colleague cheating? He has shown her all the content of their conversations which show no absolutely no evidence of any cheating. They are training for a marathon so that's all their talk consists of. That's not cheating. OP is simply paranoid.

Link to comment
On the one hand, it kind of looks like he may have an attracted to her, but on the other hand, there is no evidence at all that this is the case. He handed you his phone so he is clearly not hiding anything. They are training for a marathon and that means getting in as many runs as you can. I do think your paranoia may have run away with you a little here purely because he's running with a woman.

 

This is what he sent me :

 

I was wrong [emoji817] and I apologize to you I should’ve told you, in my mind I just thought you wouldn’t get it and that you would get jealous and it would have started not just a fight but a whole other chapter on how I don’t love you and whatever you would think. So I said screw it its no big deal just going for a run. I was wrong and like I said I am sorry and will never hide from anything like that again....I would NEVER cheat on you and I think you know that deep inside that’s not me. I swear on everything I love you and that NOTHING physical/emotional has occurred it is legit a friendship who are pushing each other for a 1/2 marathon. I love you very much and it hurts me that you are hurting. I know you packed a bag but come home tonight this is where you belong, we can talk and clear the air.

Link to comment
This is what he sent me :

 

I was wrong [emoji817] and I apologize to you I should’ve told you, in my mind I just thought you wouldn’t get it and that you would get jealous and it would have started not just a fight but a whole other chapter on how I don’t love you and whatever you would think. So I said screw it its no big deal just going for a run. I was wrong and like I said I am sorry and will never hide from anything like that again....I would NEVER cheat on you and I think you know that deep inside that’s not me. I swear on everything I love you and that NOTHING physical/emotional has occurred it is legit a friendship who are pushing each other for a 1/2 marathon. I love you very much and it hurts me that you are hurting. I know you packed a bag but come home tonight this is where you belong, we can talk and clear the air.

 

This shows you have deep insecurity issues that have been present in your relationship for a long time, and that's why he didn't tell you who he went running with because he knew you would overreact. And you did because you packed a bag and walked out for god sake. That was an extreme overreaction imo. Maybe you should seek some counselling for your issues.

Link to comment

His lying was not cool, at all, as lying is never cool.

 

That said, I agree with the others who see this as an insecurity issue that has never quite been resolved. Not pointing a finger at you or him, but at a general dynamic that could use some adjusting. One of these low-simmering tension points that are easy enough to ignore, at least until someone makes a friend of the opposite sex.

 

Granted, everyone seems to have different boundaries about this sort of thing, but in my opinion there needs to be room for new friends of both genders inside a relationship. He and his coworker share a passion for running, are pushing each other for a half-marathon—this is the sort of thing I'd imagine, in theory, both of you would prefer to be able to be shared with support instead of skepticism. He'd probably like to tell you about this friend, about a run, and be confident you'd be excited for him. He didn't feel that, for whatever reason, and in avoiding confrontation he dug a bigger hole, a bigger divide, by hedging.

 

Calling you "crazy" is also never cool. Hopefully that's not a regular occurrence, especially since, at the end of the day, he did lie. And from his text he seems to know he messed up, and held himself accountable. Since nothing here points remotely to anything like infidelity, I'd use this moment as a chance to get closer and more secure, together, rather than one to drift further apart. He sounds like a good guy, a good husband. I'd suggest setting up a dinner with his friend and her husband—a chance for all of you to hang out, to see that, big picture, there's nothing to worry about.

Link to comment

Sorry this is happening. Nothing that concrete but keep your eyes open. Handing you the phone was clever on his part. They don't sound stupid enough to send anything incriminating through texts spouses would see.

recent has had a friendship with a teacher who is also married with two kids.

 

 

He left early on our anniversary to go for a 10 mile run at a park 30 minutes away and through a mutual friend who saw him I found out he actually ran with this woman.

 

When I asked him if he ran alone he said yes..then after further questions he admitted he did meet up to run with her and they’ve planned this all week.

 

 

He gave me his phone immediately, saying I am crazy and let me see all their texts which were not flirty, mainly about running and being partners at a staff game they play at school and a lot of inside jokes.

Link to comment
This is what he sent me :

 

I was wrong [emoji817] and I apologize to you I should’ve told you, in my mind I just thought you wouldn’t get it and that you would get jealous and it would have started not just a fight but a whole other chapter on how I don’t love you and whatever you would think. So I said screw it its no big deal just going for a run. I was wrong and like I said I am sorry and will never hide from anything like that again....I would NEVER cheat on you and I think you know that deep inside that’s not me. I swear on everything I love you and that NOTHING physical/emotional has occurred it is legit a friendship who are pushing each other for a 1/2 marathon. I love you very much and it hurts me that you are hurting. I know you packed a bag but come home tonight this is where you belong, we can talk and clear the air.

I don't like that he called you crazy.

 

If he loves you like he says, why would he think that was a loving thing to do?

I mean, I don't necessarily like it either, but it sounds like he wasn't too far off the mark. Packing a bag over this is, colloquially speaking, crazy. And that she ended up staying there the night anyway? Mock executions aren't incredibly loving, either.

 

I'm not sure when people started assuming saying someone is acting crazy about something was inferring they legit have to be schizophrenic in that moment rather than it being what's admittedly not the healthiest way to simply convey you believe they're overreacting. OP had her bag packed, and we have no idea what transpired within the argument leading him to have her help herself to his private correspondences. OP claims she doesn't foster an environment where anyone would feel compelled to tiptoe, yet pretty much every detail shared contradicts her. Clearly one of the two, or both, are "crazy."

 

Add to it she'd initially written "he left early on their anniversary" to go running with this lady, only for it to mean they'd simply gone on a morning run rather than him having cut off dinner to see this woman (whether it was an unintended implication or her trying to garner more sympathy). I'm not really willing to take anything here at anywhere near face value.

Link to comment

Translation: Faux apology is much cheaper and easier than divorce.

This is what he sent me :

 

I was wrong [emoji817] and I apologize to you I should’ve told you, in my mind I just thought you wouldn’t get it and that you would get jealous and it would have started not just a fight but a whole other chapter on how I don’t love you and whatever you would think. So I said screw it its no big deal just going for a run. I was wrong and like I said I am sorry and will never hide from anything like that again....I would NEVER cheat on you and I think you know that deep inside that’s not me. I swear on everything I love you and that NOTHING physical/emotional has occurred it is legit a friendship who are pushing each other for a 1/2 marathon. I love you very much and it hurts me that you are hurting. I know you packed a bag but come home tonight this is where you belong, we can talk and clear the air.

Link to comment
I mean, I don't necessarily like it either, but it sounds like he wasn't too far off the mark. Packing a bag over this is, colloquially speaking, crazy. And that she ended up staying there the night anyway? Mock executions aren't incredibly loving, either.

 

I'm not sure when people started assuming saying someone is acting crazy about something was inferring they legit have to be schizophrenic in that moment rather than it being what's admittedly not the healthiest way to simply convey you believe they're overreacting. OP had her bag packed, and we have no idea what transpired within the argument leading him to have her help herself to his private correspondences. OP claims she doesn't foster an environment where anyone would feel compelled to tiptoe, yet pretty much every detail shared contradicts her. Clearly one of the two, or both, are "crazy."

 

Add to it she'd initially written "he left early on their anniversary" to go running with this lady, only for it to mean they'd simply gone on a morning run rather than him having cut off dinner to see this woman (whether it was an unintended implication or her trying to garner more sympathy). I'm not really willing to take anything here at anywhere near face value.

 

To be clear. He did not cut off our anniversary dinner to meet her! Simply left in the morning of our Anniversary to meet another woman to run and lying about it.

 

Also, the bag he saw me carry on our ring camera was my Gym bag that I bring to work. ( I don’t work out with my male hot coworker) He was simply assuming at this point that I was leaving.

 

I did not storm out. Just tossed and turned all night.

 

I was hoping for same clarity and certainly was not “garnering sympathy”.

Link to comment

OP, I interpreted your first post about this to mean he left some planned anniversary event to go and spend time with her and left you alone in a restaurant or theatre or something. That would upset anyone and was why I responded the way I did to that first post.

 

However, it turns out that wasn't quite the case. I understand you are upset about him lying about who he was with; that's just not cool. I realize why that doesn't sit right to you. I don't think you should have packed a bag, though. Talk to him. He clearly doesn't want you this upset.

 

I would also take time to figure out why this has triggered you so much. You mention you are still insecure about discovering he once lacked physical attraction to you; it appears that the lingering hurt from that discovery is still simmering below the surface.

 

EDIT: I see you clarified that you didn't actually pack an overnight bag. But it is interesting to note you still scornfully add you don't work out with hot male coworkers. What happened hurts you, because you perceive this woman as hot, correct?

Link to comment

I think you are focused on the wrong details, OP.

 

No cheating; its just two people going on a long run together.

 

However. Please look at your marriage, athow you two resolve conflict, at ways you approach new goals as an indidual and share them with each other.

 

Your marriage is in trouble. It is fixable.

 

Forget about right and wrong and fair and unfair. You two have blurred your emotional boundaries and built up habits that 1) avoid confrontation, and 2) provide validation you're not getting from your own achievements and from each other.

 

i suggest a therapist to help you untangle yourselves so that you can again approach each other as individuals.

Link to comment
He crossed a major boundary with lying. You need to get at the issue of why he lied.

 

You were already untrusting, and this just furthered the divide. I don't see this ending well.

 

He said why he lied in his message. He didn't tell her who he went training with because he knew she would overreact, and she did. She is clearly a very insecure person.

Link to comment

important to note HIS insecurity in this marriage - her gym bag, which she uses daily or nearly so, was thought by him to be her overnight bag. Their anxious / insecure attachment is playing out exactly as their subconscious selves intend. Each sure he/she will be abandoned, he is investing in a support system who could be converted to a more intimate companion, while she is making a case that it isn't her fault so to protect her self esteem.

 

OP, you each need help with faith in your ability to make this work, and with the skills of being vulnerable and turning toward each other for help.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.


×
×
  • Create New...