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Thread: Angry over husbands relationship with coworker

  1. #121
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Its very nice that he cooks for you. Lots of men (especially those in my age group) don't do much cooking. :)

    This was our first major fight in 9 years where I accused him of something that was so unthinkable to him so the fact that he reached out to those closest to me does not bother me.
    Good on you, Glata.

  2. #122
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I really don't know why this woman feels the need to stay close to your husband like this.

    You know what would be much better? If she just backed off. She doesn't need to be telling your husband where she was and why.
    Friends don't do that, especially not married ones.

    It is a weird situation now, honestly. He keeps making you these dinners, only to drop the bomb once again that she is texting instead of just telling her enough is enough.

    Yeah, you could call it "just friends" but I am honestly getting a vibe that it's more. Maybe not on his side (or maybe, who knows) but definitely on her side.
    She likes your husband, she likes staying closer to him.

    He on the other hand doesn't want to say no to her.

    You do need to keep an eye on this even if others tell you that you don't.

  3. #123
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    I really don't know why this woman feels the need to stay close to your husband like this.

    You know what would be much better? If she just backed off. She doesn't need to be telling your husband where she was and why.
    Friends don't do that, especially not married ones.

    It is a weird situation now, honestly. He keeps making you these dinners, only to drop the bomb once again that she is texting instead of just telling her enough is enough.

    Yeah, you could call it "just friends" but I am honestly getting a vibe that it's more. Maybe not on his side (or maybe, who knows) but definitely on her side.
    She likes your husband, she likes staying closer to him.

    He on the other hand doesn't want to say no to her.

    You do need to keep an eye on this even if others tell you that you don't.
    I agree- I am all for male-female friendships and wouldn't dream of asking my husband to end a close platonic friendship unless she was not supportive of our marriage or similar. But this woman is a running partner at most -not a close friend -and her type of contact is way too familiar and personal.

    Last year I met a really nice guy and his son -our sons played together at a kids' activity. And his mother was there but not his wife. We have a lot in common -more than I have in common with his wife. And when we discussed having our kids get together and he gave me his contact info I looked up his wife on Facebook, messaged her about what a lovely time our children had playing together (and that I enjoyed meeting "her family") and from then on she has been my point of contact. I've seen him on his own when she can't make it when our kids meet up -once maybe. But I never text him, I make plans through her, and she and I have become close -we now are good friends. Truthfully- I still have more in common with and click more platonically with her husband but in this situation it's more important to me to appear and behave appropriately -why take the risk of it looking wrong?

    That's why by comparison I'm not comfortable with this woman's behavior or the way your husband brought it up.

  4. #124
    Member IamPoetic's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Glata
    My husband and I have been together for 8 years and today was our second wedding anniversary.

    He is a teacher and works with mostly women (older and married with kids). He is a friendly guy and loved by all but as of recent has had a friendship with a teacher who is also married with two kids but young and somewhat attractive.

    They text each other about running (they are both runners and are training for a half marathon) and funny gifs back and forth.

    Last weekend they attended a work party at a bar and he actually drank and was out late (something that he doesn’t usually enjoy)

    He left early on our anniversary to go for a 10 mile run at a park 30 minutes away and through a mutual friend who saw him I found out he actually ran with this woman.

    When I asked him if he ran alone he said yes..then after further questions he admitted he did meet up to run with her and they’ve planned this all week.

    I am dumbfounded because he has Never been untruthful and can honestly say he is a very good man who would not cheat.

    Am I right for being angry and disgusted that he a) lied and b) has this weird friendship?

    He gave me his phone immediately, saying I am crazy and let me see all their texts which were not flirty, mainly about running and being partners at a staff game they play at school and a lot of inside jokes.

    Am I crazy or is that not crossing the line?
    He picked the day of your anniversary to leave early to go run with another woman and then lied in your face about it. Not speculating that he's cheating, but I'm concerned about his poor judgment.

  5.  

  6. 04-14-2019, 11:23 AM

  7. 04-14-2019, 11:24 AM

  8. #125
    Gold Member East4's Avatar
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    Well, this is how emotional affairs start-by clicking with another woman over some activity, excessive texting first relating to the activity, but then increasingly personal. I think the husband is playing with fire. Because the definition of emotional affair is "any activity with a member of the opposite sex that diverges a partner's energy from the marriage". And he is doing exactly this. And the hurt feelings of his wife do not seem to matter to him. Instead he is trying to turn the tables on his wife and picture her like the crazy one. While clearly the husband is in the wrong-he lied about meeting this other woman and I could understand why his wife is losing trust in him, even for this fact alone. If he had nothing to hide, then why did he lie?

    Men are stupid like that thinking that if there's no physical contact, then there's no cheating. Actually, the cheating starts at the moment one gets to think about another woman, look forward to see her, talk to her and do activities alone with her. Like he does. Once the mind of a man in captivated by another woman, the body could only follow. And when the body follows and gives into the desire-then it is too late.

    It seems the husband has a problem to admit even to himself that he is actually attracted to the other woman, and honestly I find it very manipulative of him to go talk to your wife's parents, post on FB and even post on this forum (he did, but the thread was deleted); to profess how squeaky clean he is in this ordeal, absolutely innocent, while it is a matter of fact that he tried to hid his little escapade on the day of their marriage anniversary. Who is he thinking he is fooling? He is in desperate need to fool others to keep his image intact, but most importantly he is in dare need to fool himself, because he cannot accept the fact that he is engaging in dishonourable behaviour (emotional affair). In my country we have a slightly cynical saying about the false saints: “he wants to have his d**k in the pu**y and his soul in heaven”. Well, in a nutshell this is what has been going on-a hypocritical husband with selfish needs, who cannot accept that he’s been selfish.

    It is very telling that he refuses to cut contact with this other woman, under the pretext that it would look awkward. He finds all sorts of excuses to keep replying to her texts. This is not because he is apprehensive of being rude, but because he enjoys her contact and he wants to keep this emotional affair simmering. If he were indeed a decent husband and a caring man to his wife, it wouldn't bother him at all to send to the other woman a short text, something along the lines: "our texting is disturbing my family life and it would be better if we stop texting. I'll not text you again, please do not contact me, unless it is strictly work related. Thank you for your understanding."

    If he really loved his wife and respected his marriage, he wouldn't have had any problem to cut contact with this other woman.

    If he keeps doing what he's doing, my prediction is that we are going to hear from him soon, either in the "Infidelity" section, and/or in the "Divorce".

  9. #126
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    Spot on East ^^

    Unfortunately she has wasted so much time in denial/appeasement that the physical stage has most likely been sealed.

  10. #127
    Member Glata's Avatar
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    Update: So I heard my husband paid ya’ll a visit lol. He actually got kicked out of the forum for good and I do feel kinda badly about that as he was at his wits end apparently. All of the comments and perspectives actually really helped me express how hurt and angry I was and why - so thank you all.

    My husband has been nothing but wonderful to me in terms of communication and wanting to talk every night about how to improve this situation. I am honestly still going through the motions and am completely over it at times and then get this hollow feeling in my stomach again and overthink and wonder so much about this woman.

    Rationally thinking, I know it’s nothing and I do have it very good but I want to get that feeling of complete security back and he’s been working really hard to give me that. He has always been a better than average boyfriend, then phenomenal fiancé and really great husband. But since this whole thing happened he feels awful, not so much because of the coworker but because I can’t figure out if he liked her attention or just really wanted to push to complete the marathon. He said he enjoyed talking to her (because she’s like a guy) and that he never thought anything of it. His biggest concern is not this situation (because in his mind it’s so insignificant) but that he feels like I’ve been a better wife to him than him a husband to me. He’s had a scary health scare I was by his side through. Loss of a great job many years ago that I stuck by him for, family passing away etc. Since we had this blow up we’ve been talking about all of our past years and he said that he realizes that (knock on wood) I never really needed him for anything which is true. During our entire time of being together my personal life, career, health has been steady and I was there for him while he really never had a chance to be there for me.

    I’m not proud of this but after we made up and cleared the air We agreed that he messed up by withholding this “friendship” I agreed to just see how he’ll handle the situation and told him I trust him fully but I will be observant. We are on the same cloud (he doesn’t know I see all his texts bc he is not savvy whatsoever) and have been monitoring only if he hasn’t told me for a while. Whenever she did text him after i found out they trained together he would tell me and show me. So I trust but verify and it’s all there.

    I asked him to not even bring her texts up anymore and from what I’m seeing in their texts that whenever she writes him about what to plan for a coworker who is retiring and of how she thinks this was her last marathon bc of her age he has always brought up my name in texts.

    Example :
    Her: I’m so impressed by your commitment and reach your goal of completing under 2hrs. I was sore yesterday but feeling better today. How do you feel?

    Him: same here. Def glad I did it but going to need to take a break from running for a while. My wife and i went for an amazing brunch after the race and she treated me to a massage which helped with calf pain lol. Great day!

    Then she sent him a picture of her sons and husband who surprised her at the finish line and he sent a picture of him & I at the finish line as well.

    The week after the race she gave him a picture frame with an inspirational quote for runners and a card which got my blood boiling again but then again I have received gifts from male coworkers when I was promoted.

    It’s very evident in the texts that there is zero flirtation or intentions of having anything other than a coworker friendship but I think it’s changed a lot bc he is not initiating any texts and keeping responses short and sweet.

    He’s asking me to run a 5k with him tomorrow at their district with him and I will meet her I guess for the first time. Not really sure how to act because part of me wants to tell her to act like a respectful, married mother and adult and stop texting my husband, asking him to meet for runs and giving him gifts but obviously I won’t do that. I will be sweet as pie and let her know that I appreciate her pushing him to finish the race. My husband is always very affectionate in public with me so hopefully she’ll finally understand boundaries.

    Any suggestions are welcome.

  11. #128
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Good update. How did you find this out? Why was he banned? :
    Originally Posted by Glata
    I heard my husband paid ya’ll a visit lol. He actually got kicked out of the forum for good and I do feel kinda badly about that as he was at his wits end apparently.

  12. #129
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    Thank you so much for the detailed update! I agree that at this point she is crossing boundaries and he is not but the gift is inappropriate. Also to be extremely careful if I were him I would not even mention "massage" because it could provoke more personal conversation and could be seen as opening the door into talking about personal stuff.

    So your male coworkers got you gifts for a promotion? A boss or a colleague? Was there an office gathering and that's where you received the gifts? I see this as very different -she's giving him a gift for a personal accomplishment. Again either you trust him or you don't. I hope you're able to convey with body language and eye contact that she needs to stay the heck away from your husband.

  13. #130
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    Originally Posted by Glata
    Update: He’s asking me to run a 5k with him tomorrow at their district with him and I will meet her I guess for the first time.
    Ask him if she's going to be there and if yes..., time to get really mad and NOT go!


    Btw,
    Your husband knowing about ENA is a huge mistake.
    To prepare more professional deceptions, he'll be carefully following it and you.

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