Jump to content

Recommended Posts

I've reached about 24 hours into an indefinite NC. It was full of chest tightness, crying jags, begging to nothing in particular to make it stop or rewind time.

 

Posted about breakup in Advice thread and had a last conversation yesterday that left the door very ajar, but acknowledged that it was rushed and should start anew with that knowledge if it happens. Neither of us had expectations that it would or wouldn't or when it might so I feel posting here much more appropriate than Getting Back Together. It's strict NC for me and the ball in her court as she felt it should end.

 

I want to try and be accountable. Going to gym tomorrow morning so I get up and out first thing. Cleaning tonight tossing things to reduce clutter. Have a CBT therapy session this week.

 

I suspect a long, painful journey for awhile, but the end goal isn't reconciliation it's change. Any ideas or advice on what has/hasn't worked for anyone would be appreciated. As would encouragement to keep to NC during the addictive withdrawal phase. I've deleted social media and took out everything from phone. It's all set and one day down. Now to get through next one.

Link to comment

Make a "No contact" scorecard. Every time your brain tries to convince you that contacting her is a great!!! idea, write it down. Every time you succeed in NOT contacting her, give yourself a point. Deduct a point for when you decide that texting "hey, how are you?" is a great!!! idea and you do it. When you get to 10 points, reward yourself however you like.

 

Have someone on hand who won't mind if you get tempted to text her and you text them instead. A breakup buddy, so to speak. Someone you can text "Help! I want to text her!" and who will respond with "Don't! You've been doing great and I'm proud of you!"

 

Also, I allowed myself to feel the pain. Instead of telling myself "You loser! Get over it already and stop boo hooing!" I told myself "Suck it up, yeah you feel awful but it won't last forever". And I'd set a time limit. 15 minutes for crying and self-pity, but after that I need to bake cookies or go for a walk or mop the kitchen floor. Eventually I couldn't even remember how long it had been since I'd cried.

 

Give yourself a break, BTW. You're 5 minutes out of this breakup and of course it will hurt. It's ok.

Link to comment

I want to share with you these rules I have on my phone that i always look at:

1. My distress is a result of brain chemistry and I’m not crazy. Justtemporarilyoff balance.

2. My anxieties and insecurities don’t necessarily reflect what’s really going on or what he’s thinking or feeling.

3. Just because he broke up with me doesn’t mean that what we had wasn’t real. It’s simply not real any more.

4. I shall respectfully honor his request for space.

5. Seeking contact (stalking, pleading) does not bring relief, it only brings shame.

6. Instead of thinking,I have to get him to tell me the truth, change his mind, stop cheating, etc., I shall stop caring what he does or how he feels.

7. It is a mistake to heed the voice inside my head that urges me to seek him out. That voice comes from pain, insecurity, and fear and isnotthe BEST me.

8. When that voice is triggered, I shall turn toward myself or a good friend for reassurance,not him.

9. When I am triggered, I shall mindfully observe my physiology and let it wane without trying to fix it. Rather than thinkingI have to see him and recapture what was,I shall think,Oh, look at that. I’m having an anxious moment. This too shall pass. Also tryunfurrowing your brow. A calm face leads to a calm mind.

10. I shall not measure my worth by his attitude toward me. His attitude is a reflection on him, not me.

11. He’sjust not that into me, and I shall spend my time with people who appreciate me. Life is too short to do otherwise.

12. Distance from him is what heals me. Whenever I try to get close again, it’s like picking off a scab and making it bleed. I’m only forcing myself to go through the agony of withdrawal all over again. When a scab has formed, I shall let it heal over completely.

13. I shall not justify seeking closeness as an attempt to keep my lover as a friend. I cannot afford a friendship until I’m completely over him and no longer even remotely triggered. And it’s okay if we don’t remain friends. Moving on is a sign of personal growth.

14. It’s okay for me to feel sad that this relationship has ended. As I grieve, I am moving toward healing.

15. am a growing, changing person and can learn from this experience.

16. I shall take the high road and behave in ways that have dignity and restore my self-respect.

17. The more I behave like a sane person, the more I’ll feel like a sane person.

18. To resist focusing on a dead relationship, I shall focus on living my BEST life.

19. I shall seek out what energizes me, not what drains me.

20. I shall remember that my success is the best revenge!

Link to comment
Did you think it would just go away in 24 hours? It wont.

 

Oh no. I've been through breakups on both sides before and know it's a process. I am shocked at the depth of pain and loss, but not that it's happening or hasn't faded yet. And that it will happen until it doesn't and there really isn't much I can do about it except channel it. I just wanted to reach out and post when it does get bad as those are the moments you do something regrettable like skip work or break contact etc... much better to type it out to people who understand.

Link to comment

Good advice all of it. Thank you!

 

Make a "No contact" scorecard. Every time your brain tries to convince you that contacting her is a great!!! idea, write it down. Every time you succeed in NOT contacting her, give yourself a point. Deduct a point for when you decide that texting "hey, how are you?" is a great!!! idea and you do it. When you get to 10 points, reward yourself however you like.

 

Have someone on hand who won't mind if you get tempted to text her and you text them instead. A breakup buddy, so to speak. Someone you can text "Help! I want to text her!" and who will respond with "Don't! You've been doing great and I'm proud of you!"

 

Also, I allowed myself to feel the pain. Instead of telling myself "You loser! Get over it already and stop boo hooing!" I told myself "Suck it up, yeah you feel awful but it won't last forever". And I'd set a time limit. 15 minutes for crying and self-pity, but after that I need to bake cookies or go for a walk or mop the kitchen floor. Eventually I couldn't even remember how long it had been since I'd cried.

 

Give yourself a break, BTW. You're 5 minutes out of this breakup and of course it will hurt. It's ok.

Link to comment

I think the breakup buddy is the most important part of the process. It's easier to still make a call when everything in your heart is telling you to reach out, as long as it is to anyone that isn't your ex. My best friend in the world has seen me through some dark times, and I've returned the favor more than once.

 

We're all human and painful emotions are difficult to cope with. My only other advice would be to set aside time during the day where you mindfully explore your emotions of grief about the relationship. It seems counterintuitive, but it will cause you more suffering in the long-run to suppress and shut those emotions out with distraction. Distraction is useful when you are particularly overwhelmed, but allowing the emotions and validating that it is okay to have painful emotions can really facilitate getting over someone.

 

Edit: Just realized that boltnrun and I essentially said the same thing. Oh well. It's good advice :p

Link to comment

Day 2. This morning was insanely hard. Last night was much worse. Cried a ton. Went to physical therapy and that was good. Lots of rebuilding strength exercises. My therapist used my emotional pain to ramp up the exercise a bit and having that to push through helped distract. Had lunch with a friend then did a few paperwork/admin type things I had been putting off for awhile.

 

Plan for the rest of day is unpack more and keep busy. Nights are especially tough. I'm starting a new book so I can start to get lost in something with no connection to her. It won't work immediately so I am putting phone away where hard to get to so no temptation to pick it up and want to text or email. Baby steps forward.

Link to comment

Baby steps indeed Brother. Steady as you go...

 

I wish there were a shortcut through this I really do....but unfortunately there just isn't.

 

So you're definitely doing the right things but do let the grief come and go and do it's thing as well.

 

Horrible I know but you do want that wound to heal properly for the longer term rather than suppress it only to have it come springing out of the box somewhere down the line....

 

Stay Strong

 

Carus*

Link to comment

Thanks everyone. It really helps hearing the encouragement.

 

Today I started working on things she mentioned were a problem that I agree with. I hate them in myself too. The door to the relationship isn't closed and locked, but it isn't wide open either which is good because it's motivating to try and be better in case it is opened, but it isn't the only driving force. It will also benefit me and if this one doesn't work out then whoever I end up with. And it will give me more control if/when we talk again because I won't be cringing inside knowing I'm still a packrat for example. Even if it isn't a complete change there will be progress. I have good friends too who are helping me while making sure the changes are positive, not just reactionary and that it is moving forward enough to make progress, but not so much it backfires because change is scary even when you want it. I'm assuming we never speak again for healing purposes. I left it with a nice goodbye and allowed her to be the one to contact since she wanted to end it. I've had some take that up and some not so best to assume it's forever and then pleasantly surprised if it happens instead of waiting then crushed all over again. Learned that from experience.

Link to comment

And on cue the fears about becoming complacent were realized. I had a sleepless night with some crying and even mild vomiting once. Voice in my brain keeps saying "what's the point of improving now that she's gone." I hate that voice. I know somewhere deep down I'm worth it, but right now it feels like it's fake and will never be true. But heading to workout so not giving up. Just struggling like every human seems to after these things.

Link to comment
I want to share with you these rules I have on my phone that i always look at:

2. My anxieties and insecurities don’t necessarily reflect what’s really going on or what he’s thinking or feeling.

5. Seeking contact (stalking, pleading) does not bring relief, it only brings shame.

9. When I am triggered, I shall mindfully observe my physiology and let it wane without trying to fix it. Rather than thinkingI have to see him and recapture what was,I shall think,Oh, look at that. I’m having an anxious moment. This too shall pass.

10. I shall not measure my worth by his attitude toward me. His attitude is a reflection on him, not me.

11. He’sjust not that into me, and I shall spend my time with people who appreciate me. Life is too short to do otherwise.

12. Distance from him is what heals me. Whenever I try to get close again, it’s like picking off a scab and making it bleed. I’m only forcing myself to go through the agony of withdrawal all over again. When a scab has formed, I shall let it heal over completely.

14. It’s okay for me to feel sad that this relationship has ended. As I grieve, I am moving toward healing.

15. am a growing, changing person and can learn from this experience.

16. I shall take the high road and behave in ways that have dignity and restore my self-respect.

20. I shall remember that my success is the best revenge!

 

This is some incredible stuff here. Thanks for sharing! I quoted and bolded the ones that were most helpful to me and that, a year out, can see how I should've behaved differently.

Link to comment

Really good day. Productive. Future looking. Hard, but satisfying workout. Starting to see results from the stretches and strengthening. Got rid of some unwanted stuff that cleared up Ron. Was feeling great.

 

Nights are rough. Was just laying listening to music when wave of sadness just floored me. Music wasn't related to relationship at all I just got extremely sad and couldn't stop crying. I didn't fight it at all. Let it all wash out. I know it hasn't even been a week so still raw. Tomorrow is one week from breakup and no idea how I will feel. Pretty down I suspect. I was in love.

Link to comment

Thanks. I need the encouragement and community. Today facing crippling loneliness and loss. Nothing special about today at all just woke up and felt it hard and it hasn't left all day. It's almost panic attack levels, but not quite.

 

 

I cried every day for over 6 months...

 

Hang in there Utterly*....It will ease up eventually.....You're doing the right thing by getting it out though*

 

Carus*

Link to comment
Having a day. Pain from breakup only 50% of it. The rest is just life stuff that piled up. Had a cry so hard can't catch breath moment. I wish I could not exist for awhile. Not suicidal or thinking of hurting myself at all. Just wish there was an off switch.

 

I know it's hard to focus on something else. Currently going through a divorce. But when I start to get hit hard, I veg out and play video games until I'm tired enough to fall asleep.

 

Do you have anything you do where you can escape for a while? Do it for an hour at a time. Sit down and cry if it hits really bad. I'll even dig out some old photos if needed just to remember what I've lose ( I don't tell anyone I do this, but it has helped) It's usually followed by some relief. Best to face this thing head on is all I've got to say at this point.

 

Hopefully, one day I won't have to. Until then, one day at a time.

Link to comment

Hopefully, one day I won't have to. Until then, one day at a time.

 

This is my mantra too. I want it not to be so bad, but until we get there it's what we've got.

 

And sorry to hear about the divorce. I was in the very early stages of "I think this is someone I could marry" and it was still crushing. Can't imagine how you feel.

Link to comment
What happened with this?

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=558617

 

That was only a couple of days ago.

 

That's still in effect. Today was getting her Easter present in the mail which was gut punch in spite of the possible upcoming stuff. I had put a lot of thought into romantic Easter egg hunt.

 

Mostly work and family drama. And then dog got sick and since she just had multiple surgeries had to take to vet... Just one of those steamroller days where it all seems to hit at once.

 

And the breakup is still raw which is why I think waiting awhile is good to even discuss reconcilliation. Have to work on stuff for me in the meantime and heal. I'm both hopeful and sad if that makes sense. Today the sadness won out by sheer number of things. If just the Easter presents then probably unggghhhh, but not full blown sadness.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...