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Thread: A NC journey

  1. #1
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    A NC journey

    I've reached about 24 hours into an indefinite NC. It was full of chest tightness, crying jags, begging to nothing in particular to make it stop or rewind time.

    Posted about breakup in Advice thread and had a last conversation yesterday that left the door very ajar, but acknowledged that it was rushed and should start anew with that knowledge if it happens. Neither of us had expectations that it would or wouldn't or when it might so I feel posting here much more appropriate than Getting Back Together. It's strict NC for me and the ball in her court as she felt it should end.

    I want to try and be accountable. Going to gym tomorrow morning so I get up and out first thing. Cleaning tonight tossing things to reduce clutter. Have a CBT therapy session this week.

    I suspect a long, painful journey for awhile, but the end goal isn't reconciliation it's change. Any ideas or advice on what has/hasn't worked for anyone would be appreciated. As would encouragement to keep to NC during the addictive withdrawal phase. I've deleted social media and took out everything from phone. It's all set and one day down. Now to get through next one.

  2. #2
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    Make a "No contact" scorecard. Every time your brain tries to convince you that contacting her is a great!!! idea, write it down. Every time you succeed in NOT contacting her, give yourself a point. Deduct a point for when you decide that texting "hey, how are you?" is a great!!! idea and you do it. When you get to 10 points, reward yourself however you like.

    Have someone on hand who won't mind if you get tempted to text her and you text them instead. A breakup buddy, so to speak. Someone you can text "Help! I want to text her!" and who will respond with "Don't! You've been doing great and I'm proud of you!"

    Also, I allowed myself to feel the pain. Instead of telling myself "You loser! Get over it already and stop boo hooing!" I told myself "Suck it up, yeah you feel awful but it won't last forever". And I'd set a time limit. 15 minutes for crying and self-pity, but after that I need to bake cookies or go for a walk or mop the kitchen floor. Eventually I couldn't even remember how long it had been since I'd cried.

    Give yourself a break, BTW. You're 5 minutes out of this breakup and of course it will hurt. It's ok.

  3. #3
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    I want to share with you these rules I have on my phone that i always look at:
    1. My distress is a result of brain chemistry and Iím not crazy. Justtemporarilyoff balance.
    2. My anxieties and insecurities donít necessarily reflect whatís really going on or what heís thinking or feeling.
    3. Just because he broke up with me doesnít mean that what we had wasnít real. Itís simply not real any more.
    4. I shall respectfully honor his request for space.
    5. Seeking contact (stalking, pleading) does not bring relief, it only brings shame.
    6. Instead of thinking,I have to get him to tell me the truth, change his mind, stop cheating, etc., I shall stop caring what he does or how he feels.
    7. It is a mistake to heed the voice inside my head that urges me to seek him out. That voice comes from pain, insecurity, and fear and isnotthe BEST me.
    8. When that voice is triggered, I shall turn toward myself or a good friend for reassurance,not him.
    9. When I am triggered, I shall mindfully observe my physiology and let it wane without trying to fix it. Rather than thinkingI have to see him and recapture what was,I shall think,Oh, look at that. Iím having an anxious moment. This too shall pass. Also tryunfurrowing your brow. A calm face leads to a calm mind.
    10. I shall not measure my worth by his attitude toward me. His attitude is a reflection on him, not me.
    11. Heísjust not that into me, and I shall spend my time with people who appreciate me. Life is too short to do otherwise.
    12. Distance from him is what heals me. Whenever I try to get close again, itís like picking off a scab and making it bleed. Iím only forcing myself to go through the agony of withdrawal all over again. When a scab has formed, I shall let it heal over completely.
    13. I shall not justify seeking closeness as an attempt to keep my lover as a friend. I cannot afford a friendship until Iím completely over him and no longer even remotely triggered. And itís okay if we donít remain friends. Moving on is a sign of personal growth.
    14. Itís okay for me to feel sad that this relationship has ended. As I grieve, I am moving toward healing.
    15. am a growing, changing person and can learn from this experience.
    16. I shall take the high road and behave in ways that have dignity and restore my self-respect.
    17. The more I behave like a sane person, the more Iíll feel like a sane person.
    18. To resist focusing on a dead relationship, I shall focus on living my BEST life.
    19. I shall seek out what energizes me, not what drains me.
    20. I shall remember that my success is the best revenge!

  4. #4
    Did you think it would just go away in 24 hours? It wont. It takes time. You're doing the right things by keeping busy and occupied. It will get easier eventually and the pain will subside. Just keep telling yourself that and you will be OK.

  5.  

  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by RayofLighten
    Did you think it would just go away in 24 hours? It wont.
    Oh no. I've been through breakups on both sides before and know it's a process. I am shocked at the depth of pain and loss, but not that it's happening or hasn't faded yet. And that it will happen until it doesn't and there really isn't much I can do about it except channel it. I just wanted to reach out and post when it does get bad as those are the moments you do something regrettable like skip work or break contact etc... much better to type it out to people who understand.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by tbhmaddie
    I want to share with you these rules I have on my phone that i always look at:
    This is a good list. I shall tweak themfor my situation, but that is a good list :) Thank you!

  8. #7
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    Good advice all of it. Thank you!

    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Make a "No contact" scorecard. Every time your brain tries to convince you that contacting her is a great!!! idea, write it down. Every time you succeed in NOT contacting her, give yourself a point. Deduct a point for when you decide that texting "hey, how are you?" is a great!!! idea and you do it. When you get to 10 points, reward yourself however you like.

    Have someone on hand who won't mind if you get tempted to text her and you text them instead. A breakup buddy, so to speak. Someone you can text "Help! I want to text her!" and who will respond with "Don't! You've been doing great and I'm proud of you!"

    Also, I allowed myself to feel the pain. Instead of telling myself "You loser! Get over it already and stop boo hooing!" I told myself "Suck it up, yeah you feel awful but it won't last forever". And I'd set a time limit. 15 minutes for crying and self-pity, but after that I need to bake cookies or go for a walk or mop the kitchen floor. Eventually I couldn't even remember how long it had been since I'd cried.

    Give yourself a break, BTW. You're 5 minutes out of this breakup and of course it will hurt. It's ok.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    I think the breakup buddy is the most important part of the process. It's easier to still make a call when everything in your heart is telling you to reach out, as long as it is to anyone that isn't your ex. My best friend in the world has seen me through some dark times, and I've returned the favor more than once.

    We're all human and painful emotions are difficult to cope with. My only other advice would be to set aside time during the day where you mindfully explore your emotions of grief about the relationship. It seems counterintuitive, but it will cause you more suffering in the long-run to suppress and shut those emotions out with distraction. Distraction is useful when you are particularly overwhelmed, but allowing the emotions and validating that it is okay to have painful emotions can really facilitate getting over someone.

    Edit: Just realized that boltnrun and I essentially said the same thing. Oh well. It's good advice

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by SGH
    Edit: Just realized that boltnrun and I essentially said the same thing. Oh well. It's good advice
    It's done. And re-enforcing an idea that works never a bad thing. If it works for lots of people it will likely work here too.

  11. #10
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    Day 2. This morning was insanely hard. Last night was much worse. Cried a ton. Went to physical therapy and that was good. Lots of rebuilding strength exercises. My therapist used my emotional pain to ramp up the exercise a bit and having that to push through helped distract. Had lunch with a friend then did a few paperwork/admin type things I had been putting off for awhile.

    Plan for the rest of day is unpack more and keep busy. Nights are especially tough. I'm starting a new book so I can start to get lost in something with no connection to her. It won't work immediately so I am putting phone away where hard to get to so no temptation to pick it up and want to text or email. Baby steps forward.

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