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soul feeling deeply unsettled after a bad breakup


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I broke up with my ex boyfriend about two months ago, and we haven't had any contact since. It definitely was not the best breakup -- it all happened very quickly; both of our emotions were running extremely high, and due to this, I think a great deal of what we said and how we acted was mainly on impulse. I know I said things that were very hurtful to him (but nonetheless honest), and he was very nasty and disrespectful to me in response. I broke up with him, immediately hung up the phone, and that was it.

 

I could write a novel detailing our relationship, but in the end, we were simply not compatible. However, we were involved romantically for nearly two and a half years, and I know we cared for one another deeply and held a great importance in each others' life. For the first month following the break-up, I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders; I felt free and proud of myself for having the strength to walk away from a relationship that was no longer serving me. Though I do still feel that way, a sadness has really come over me these last few weeks. It is incredibly unsettling to my soul that things ended, and have been left, on such a bad note.

 

Although it was necessary to some degree, I truly never wanted to hurt him, and it sits heavy on my heart knowing I did and never apologized. My approach to the situation was not the best; I did blind-side him with everything, and for that I do feel bad.

 

I know I don't OWE him apology though; everything I said was justified, honest, and well-intentioned, and that is why I have not contacted him yet and probably never will.

 

Ideally, I would love for him to reach out and apologize to me, just to know he also feels remorse for how he acted towards me (because he should), which would then allow for the "bad note" to be resolved as I would apologize as well. But I am not holding my breath on that one, and that is what I am struggling with most right now.

 

Assuming that we will never communicate again, what can I do to help ease the unsettling feeling in my soul? Ending on bad terms with someone who meant/still means a lot to me truly just leaves me sad to the core. Because I truly do feel an unconditional love for him, just as a person, completely unrelated to any romantic feelings I once had.

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That unsettling feeling in your soul may just be one of the stages in the break up process.

 

Break ups are supposed to be painful, the ending on an era, etc.

 

What has worked for me in the past is distance and time. Sounds like a clichè but time does heal.

 

You are doing all the right things by cutting contact

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I agree with afireblue - give it time. You are probably already doing this but do things that interest you - be with your friends, do hobbies, exercise, learn new things, etc.... that bad feeling will eventually go away and is very normal. I have helped many a friend through nasty breakups and 100% of them get over that crappy feeling you are describing combined with the giant weight being lifted. good luck to you.

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You could communicate these feelings and talk to your ex. Cutting all contact isn’t the only method, you need to do what works for you.

 

Thank you for providing this perspective! Not many people do. I have thought about messaging him, but the possibility of him not responding or responding negatively definitely sways me against doing so, as I feel like either would just make me feel worse. These two months have definitely allowed me time to forgive him and move on from the hurt. I look back on our relationship as a whole, which was generally pretty good, rather than the last days leading up to the breakup. But what if the same cannot be said for him? I have no idea if he harbors any resentment or ill-will toward me; how he spoke preceding our breakup made it seem like my "behavior" (read: honesty that his ego could not handle) was tainting his view of me entirely.

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It’s easier to just cut ties than deal with the mess that can result that can come from extended contact which is why it’s usually recommended. There is something to be said about receiving closure from a person you once cared about though. Just keep in mind, whatever his faults were you were the one who chose to end it so I’d expect some hurt/anger from his part.

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It sounds like you are more angry at what he said rather than what you said. You still feel hurt from it and want an apology. Things get said in the heat of the moment and i can guarantee that he knows that. What's done is done and you were just being honest so i think you should let this go. It doesn't matter anymore. Move on with your life.

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No, the post above it. I think no contact is for people who are having trouble accepting the relationship is over and are continually trying (and failing) to reestablish a connection. I don’t get that from your post so I see no harm in communicating now thatthe dust has settled

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Hi rainorshine, most breakups end on a sour note as yours has. It seems you know the breakup needed to happen and are moving on with your life. Good for you! That's part of healing. You say that the breakup was ugly and he "was nasty and disrespectful" and you would like an apology yet doubt that he would apologize. It may be best not to expect an apology as it is a choice he has to make. You also indicate throughout your post, that you regret your words: "I said things that were hurtful to him...I truly never wanted to hurt him, and it sits heavy on my heart knowing I did and never apologized...I do feel bad...I would apologize as well...Ending on bad terms ....leaves me sad to the core." It is evident that you want to apologize, yet hope he makes the first move. Since that is not something you can control, perhaps just dealing with what you can do may be the best thing. Is it possible to write a letter of apology to him rather than a text? Letters are certainly old fashioned but much more effective than texts. With texts, responses can happen immediately without much thought. With letters, it may be that people will not respond so quickly allowing the receiver to take more time to think things through before responding. Do you think this might be possible? Should you decide to write a letter, perhaps really searching your heart for tenderness and love so that your tone truly demonstrates an apology and a desire for peace for both of you. What do you think? His response may or may not be good, but at least you hopefully will let go of feeling badly for the way you responded to the breakup. Blessings

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Is it possible to write a letter of apology to him rather than a text?

 

I agree with this. A letter is much more personal, means you took the time to write it, stamp it, mail it so it carries more weight. And it's harder to get carried away because you can't send 10 letters in a row as easily as texts or emails.

 

And the apology doesn't need to be elaborate or have a long explaination. A heartfelt I'm sorry is pretty powerful. Do mention nicely that the breakup was needed so as not to give false hope, but no need to rehash it all in there. I speak from experience and am actually friends now with a few exes. They still mention years later how much that letter meant to them. We didn't work out as a couple, but it bridged a lot of the painful gaps so that later when reconnecting it was on a positive note. And several never responded. But I felt better having told them they were meaningful and I was sorry.

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I agree with this. A letter is much more personal, means you took the time to write it, stamp it, mail it so it carries more weight. And it's harder to get carried away because you can't send 10 letters in a row as easily as texts or emails.

 

And the apology doesn't need to be elaborate or have a long explaination. A heartfelt I'm sorry is pretty powerful. Do mention nicely that the breakup was needed so as not to give false hope, but no need to rehash it all in there. I speak from experience and am actually friends now with a few exes. They still mention years later how much that letter meant to them. We didn't work out as a couple, but it bridged a lot of the painful gaps so that later when reconnecting it was on a positive note. And several never responded. But I felt better having told them they were meaningful and I was sorry.

 

This is a very good idea I think. The letter will get things off your chest & hopefully clear your mind. It will also show your ex there are no hard feelings.

It may even make things better for him in dealing with the break up without giving him false hope of a reconciliation.

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You could communicate these feelings and talk to your ex. Cutting all contact isn’t the only method, you need to do what works for you.

 

I agree with this. A letter is much more personal, means you took the time to write it, stamp it, mail it so it carries more weight. And it's harder to get carried away because you can't send 10 letters in a row as easily as texts or emails.

 

I agree with both of these. I wish I hadn't completely gone NC as the lack of a caring goodbye and some calm discussion has really tormented me for over a year.

 

I eventually wrote a letter and sent it. I felt pretty good about what I said. I also said that a response was not necessary...and I did not get one. However, a warning; I saw in the news that the local post office was completely neglectful and lost or failed to deliver 30,000 pieces of mail in my city around that time. So I don't even know that she got it. That said, I would almost suggest dropping it off in person in their mailbox or taping it to their door.

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Thanks everyone! The idea of a letter is actually very...me. Often during our relationship I would write him poems or leave him small notes when I left to return home (we were long distance). I think it was definitely something he appreciated and meant a lot to him, as he knew they came from the deepest place in my heart. I know he would not be expecting a letter, but I bet he wouldn't necessarily be surprised to get one either. It's a great idea, and I think I'll do it. I might give it a week or two, just to give us both a little time to heal additionally, though. :)

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Hi again rainorshine, I'm glad you are considering writing a letter and also giving yourself more time to heal. Plus, you are probably already putting some thoughts together in your head before you put anything in writing. Another thought to this idea, what about having someone objective read the letter before you actually mail it? Sometimes another set of eyes helps. What do you think? Blessings

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Hi again rainorshine, I'm glad you are considering writing a letter and also giving yourself more time to heal. Plus, you are probably already putting some thoughts together in your head before you put anything in writing. Another thought to this idea, what about having someone objective read the letter before you actually mail it? Sometimes another set of eyes helps. What do you think? Blessings

 

Hi! Thanks for your suggestion. I think it might just be a short, to-the-point letter, no more than 4-5 sentences. I tend to be very verbose in my writing when I speak of my feelings, but knowing there is a good chance I will not receive a response, I think that pouring my heart out would just hurt me in the end. That was always a source of sadness for me during our relationship and our breakup--I would pour my heart out to him and he would not reciprocate at all. It just made me feel small and unworthy in a way, and I would rather not let myself feel that way post-breakup, too!

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Hello rainorshine, I think it a good idea to keep it short...I also am verbose and in a letter I wrote I had my Pastor read it to see if it was ok. He did cut off quite a bit and said I could maybe use it in another letter. I'm glad I had him look at it. Have you written it yet? Are you feeling better after writing it? Blessings

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....but knowing there is a good chance I will not receive a response, I think that pouring my heart out would just hurt me in the end. That was always a source of sadness for me during our relationship and our breakup--I would pour my heart out to him and he would not reciprocate at all. It just made me feel small and unworthy in a way, and I would rather not let myself feel that way post-breakup, too!

This^^

 

Writing things out has long known to be cathartic but so has burning said letter without sending it......Yes it will upset you knowing he read it and didn't reply or just said 'Thanks'.....or whatever response he gives will not make you feel any better...

 

Over time I promise you, you won't care that you sent that letter or not....more times than not I hear 'Thank God I didn't send that letter'....you feel me?

 

There is also a very helpful thread in this section where people DO write out their thoughts to their ex....Perhaps try that and see how you go....

 

Breakups suck. Hope you are doing ok today*

 

Carus*

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Ahh, I am having very mixed feelings about sending a letter now.

 

Hello rainorshine, I think it a good idea to keep it short...I also am verbose and in a letter I wrote I had my Pastor read it to see if it was ok. He did cut off quite a bit and said I could maybe use it in another letter. I'm glad I had him look at it. Have you written it yet? Are you feeling better after writing it? Blessings

 

I wrote something out, sealed the envelope, but haven't sent it yet. I was planning to send it tomorrow...

 

Over time I promise you, you won't care that you sent that letter or not....more times than not I hear 'Thank God I didn't send that letter'....you feel me?

 

I have been having mixed feelings -- most of the time I want to send the letter, but in other moments I become hesitant when I think about it, because I am afraid, I think, of regretting it for whatever reason, and wishing I had just powered through these feelings.

 

The letter I have written out is short (4 sentences); I did not pour my heart out, and for this reason I truly don't care whether he replies. I think deep down, sending it is really more for me than it is for him. He knew me as a very genuine person who is kind and has a big heart. I want him to remember me that way. I do feel apologetic, and, in my eyes, letting him know that is the nice thing to do, regardless of whether or not he may deserve it. Above everything, I honestly just want to stay true to myself. And from my perspective, sending the letter would be my way of just putting everything on the table -- this is how I feel, I'm not going to hide behind my pride and pretend I don't; you can reply or not, but I've said my piece. Also, I think reading what I wrote would probably bring a smile to his face, even if he chooses not to respond.

 

However, I also don't want to regret it. I'm not sure why I would, but there's always that possibility, especially since I do tend to overthink things of this nature. Do you think my personal reasons for sending a letter are worth that risk? Should I truly just power through and not let him know I feel sorry for the hurt I caused him? If anyone could provide honest opinions additionally, it would be greatly appreciated.

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In light of asking for honest opinions, I might as well just share what I have written in the letter. I tried to keep it fairly vague and concise. I am not looking for advice on whether to change the content (either I'm sending it like this or not at all), but whether 'not at all' is the wisest/best option. Thanks in advance to anyone who replies!

 

Hey,

I've been feeling a lot of things recently, and I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry for all that was said and the hurt I made you feel. I never intended for things to end so suddenly or in such an explosive way, but that doesn't negate how much I cared for you. John Green once wrote, "Love is not a tragedy or a failure, but a gift," and I just want you to know that I still feel that way about our time together and always will. Nothing will ever change what I felt for you, and I hope you know that you'll always have a friend in me if you need one.

Love,

(My name)

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I don't know how it ended. However, if I got such a letter it would be rather painful for me and only serve her (egocentric) feelings. I was broken up without wanting to and still in love with her. Such a letter without any sign for reconciliation would probably interfere with my healing.

So, if you think he would appreciate you telling him you're sorry for the way things ended and he doesn't want to reconcile, it would be good for both of you. However, if he still loves you and wants you back it would only serve you.

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I don't know how it ended. However, if I got such a letter it would be rather painful for me and only serve her (egocentric) feelings. I was broken up without wanting to and still in love with her. Such a letter without any sign for reconciliation would probably interfere with my healing.

So, if you think he would appreciate you telling him you're sorry for the way things ended and he doesn't want to reconcile, it would be good for both of you. However, if he still loves you and wants you back it would only serve you.

 

I definitely see where you're coming from. Sadly, I have no idea whether he still is in love with me. It was something I was questioning at the time of the breakup.

 

He had actually broken up with me months prior and came back. After we got back together, he mentioned on various occasions that I deserved better than him (which I did). He knew he couldn't give me what I needed/deserved. I think he knows there's no chance of reconciliation nor should there be, which could be part of why he hasn't reached out since (unlike when he broke up with me; when that happened, he was texting me every few weeks).

 

But truly, I have no idea. Ultimately I do just want him to appreciate the gesture. Hurting him further is definitely not a motive; if anything I do want it to help him heal, too.

 

Sigh. This is hard.

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I would not send it. You seem to be very confident in your decision to break up and with exception to this idea of wanting to apologize, you seem to have moved on. You don’t know where he is in the process. Because of that, I can say high confidence that if he had even the smallest amount of sadness this will set his healing back. I agree with above comments that seems to be self serving (I don’t mean that as a poke at you). Any set back to him would not be fair.

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