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Thread: soul feeling deeply unsettled after a bad breakup

  1. #1
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    soul feeling deeply unsettled after a bad breakup

    I broke up with my ex boyfriend about two months ago, and we haven't had any contact since. It definitely was not the best breakup -- it all happened very quickly; both of our emotions were running extremely high, and due to this, I think a great deal of what we said and how we acted was mainly on impulse. I know I said things that were very hurtful to him (but nonetheless honest), and he was very nasty and disrespectful to me in response. I broke up with him, immediately hung up the phone, and that was it.

    I could write a novel detailing our relationship, but in the end, we were simply not compatible. However, we were involved romantically for nearly two and a half years, and I know we cared for one another deeply and held a great importance in each others' life. For the first month following the break-up, I felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders; I felt free and proud of myself for having the strength to walk away from a relationship that was no longer serving me. Though I do still feel that way, a sadness has really come over me these last few weeks. It is incredibly unsettling to my soul that things ended, and have been left, on such a bad note.

    Although it was necessary to some degree, I truly never wanted to hurt him, and it sits heavy on my heart knowing I did and never apologized. My approach to the situation was not the best; I did blind-side him with everything, and for that I do feel bad.

    I know I don't OWE him apology though; everything I said was justified, honest, and well-intentioned, and that is why I have not contacted him yet and probably never will.

    Ideally, I would love for him to reach out and apologize to me, just to know he also feels remorse for how he acted towards me (because he should), which would then allow for the "bad note" to be resolved as I would apologize as well. But I am not holding my breath on that one, and that is what I am struggling with most right now.

    Assuming that we will never communicate again, what can I do to help ease the unsettling feeling in my soul? Ending on bad terms with someone who meant/still means a lot to me truly just leaves me sad to the core. Because I truly do feel an unconditional love for him, just as a person, completely unrelated to any romantic feelings I once had.

  2. #2
    Bronze Member Afireblue's Avatar
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    That unsettling feeling in your soul may just be one of the stages in the break up process.

    Break ups are supposed to be painful, the ending on an era, etc.

    What has worked for me in the past is distance and time. Sounds like a clichŤ but time does heal.

    You are doing all the right things by cutting contact

  3. #3
    Platinum Member shellyf62's Avatar
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    Write a letter apologizing for the things you feel bad about & the way that things ended.
    Read it, read it again if need be, then burn it.
    Hopefully this will get the feelings out & help you to heal.

  4. #4
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    You could communicate these feelings and talk to your ex. Cutting all contact isnít the only method, you need to do what works for you.

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    I agree with afireblue - give it time. You are probably already doing this but do things that interest you - be with your friends, do hobbies, exercise, learn new things, etc.... that bad feeling will eventually go away and is very normal. I have helped many a friend through nasty breakups and 100% of them get over that crappy feeling you are describing combined with the giant weight being lifted. good luck to you.

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    Originally Posted by Tomthumb88
    You could communicate these feelings and talk to your ex. Cutting all contact isnít the only method, you need to do what works for you.
    Thank you for providing this perspective! Not many people do. I have thought about messaging him, but the possibility of him not responding or responding negatively definitely sways me against doing so, as I feel like either would just make me feel worse. These two months have definitely allowed me time to forgive him and move on from the hurt. I look back on our relationship as a whole, which was generally pretty good, rather than the last days leading up to the breakup. But what if the same cannot be said for him? I have no idea if he harbors any resentment or ill-will toward me; how he spoke preceding our breakup made it seem like my "behavior" (read: honesty that his ego could not handle) was tainting his view of me entirely.

  8. #7
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    Itís easier to just cut ties than deal with the mess that can result that can come from extended contact which is why itís usually recommended. There is something to be said about receiving closure from a person you once cared about though. Just keep in mind, whatever his faults were you were the one who chose to end it so Iíd expect some hurt/anger from his part.

  9. #8
    It sounds like you are more angry at what he said rather than what you said. You still feel hurt from it and want an apology. Things get said in the heat of the moment and i can guarantee that he knows that. What's done is done and you were just being honest so i think you should let this go. It doesn't matter anymore. Move on with your life.

  10. #9
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    So you think the mature and compassionate way to end a relationship is to break up with your partner in anger and then never speak to them again?

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Tomthumb88
    So you think the mature and compassionate way to end a relationship is to break up with your partner in anger and then never speak to them again?
    Is this comment directed toward me?

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