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Thread: soul feeling deeply unsettled after a bad breakup

  1. #21
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    Ahh, I am having very mixed feelings about sending a letter now.

    Originally Posted by HopeinGod
    Hello rainorshine, I think it a good idea to keep it short...I also am verbose and in a letter I wrote I had my Pastor read it to see if it was ok. He did cut off quite a bit and said I could maybe use it in another letter. I'm glad I had him look at it. Have you written it yet? Are you feeling better after writing it? Blessings
    I wrote something out, sealed the envelope, but haven't sent it yet. I was planning to send it tomorrow...

    Originally Posted by Carus
    Over time I promise you, you won't care that you sent that letter or not....more times than not I hear 'Thank God I didn't send that letter'....you feel me?
    I have been having mixed feelings -- most of the time I want to send the letter, but in other moments I become hesitant when I think about it, because I am afraid, I think, of regretting it for whatever reason, and wishing I had just powered through these feelings.

    The letter I have written out is short (4 sentences); I did not pour my heart out, and for this reason I truly don't care whether he replies. I think deep down, sending it is really more for me than it is for him. He knew me as a very genuine person who is kind and has a big heart. I want him to remember me that way. I do feel apologetic, and, in my eyes, letting him know that is the nice thing to do, regardless of whether or not he may deserve it. Above everything, I honestly just want to stay true to myself. And from my perspective, sending the letter would be my way of just putting everything on the table -- this is how I feel, I'm not going to hide behind my pride and pretend I don't; you can reply or not, but I've said my piece. Also, I think reading what I wrote would probably bring a smile to his face, even if he chooses not to respond.

    However, I also don't want to regret it. I'm not sure why I would, but there's always that possibility, especially since I do tend to overthink things of this nature. Do you think my personal reasons for sending a letter are worth that risk? Should I truly just power through and not let him know I feel sorry for the hurt I caused him? If anyone could provide honest opinions additionally, it would be greatly appreciated.

  2. #22
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    In light of asking for honest opinions, I might as well just share what I have written in the letter. I tried to keep it fairly vague and concise. I am not looking for advice on whether to change the content (either I'm sending it like this or not at all), but whether 'not at all' is the wisest/best option. Thanks in advance to anyone who replies!

    Hey,
    I've been feeling a lot of things recently, and I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry for all that was said and the hurt I made you feel. I never intended for things to end so suddenly or in such an explosive way, but that doesn't negate how much I cared for you. John Green once wrote, "Love is not a tragedy or a failure, but a gift," and I just want you to know that I still feel that way about our time together and always will. Nothing will ever change what I felt for you, and I hope you know that you'll always have a friend in me if you need one.
    Love,
    (My name)

  3. #23
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    I don't know how it ended. However, if I got such a letter it would be rather painful for me and only serve her (egocentric) feelings. I was broken up without wanting to and still in love with her. Such a letter without any sign for reconciliation would probably interfere with my healing.
    So, if you think he would appreciate you telling him you're sorry for the way things ended and he doesn't want to reconcile, it would be good for both of you. However, if he still loves you and wants you back it would only serve you.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by trufo
    I don't know how it ended. However, if I got such a letter it would be rather painful for me and only serve her (egocentric) feelings. I was broken up without wanting to and still in love with her. Such a letter without any sign for reconciliation would probably interfere with my healing.
    So, if you think he would appreciate you telling him you're sorry for the way things ended and he doesn't want to reconcile, it would be good for both of you. However, if he still loves you and wants you back it would only serve you.
    I definitely see where you're coming from. Sadly, I have no idea whether he still is in love with me. It was something I was questioning at the time of the breakup.

    He had actually broken up with me months prior and came back. After we got back together, he mentioned on various occasions that I deserved better than him (which I did). He knew he couldn't give me what I needed/deserved. I think he knows there's no chance of reconciliation nor should there be, which could be part of why he hasn't reached out since (unlike when he broke up with me; when that happened, he was texting me every few weeks).

    But truly, I have no idea. Ultimately I do just want him to appreciate the gesture. Hurting him further is definitely not a motive; if anything I do want it to help him heal, too.

    Sigh. This is hard.

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  6. #25
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    I would not send it. You seem to be very confident in your decision to break up and with exception to this idea of wanting to apologize, you seem to have moved on. You don’t know where he is in the process. Because of that, I can say high confidence that if he had even the smallest amount of sadness this will set his healing back. I agree with above comments that seems to be self serving (I don’t mean that as a poke at you). Any set back to him would not be fair.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by thinkstoohard
    I would not send it. You seem to be very confident in your decision to break up and with exception to this idea of wanting to apologize, you seem to have moved on. You don’t know where he is in the process. Because of that, I can say high confidence that if he had even the smallest amount of sadness this will set his healing back. I agree with above comments that seems to be self serving (I don’t mean that as a poke at you). Any set back to him would not be fair.
    I definitely see your point. I know that when our roles were reversed and he broke up with me, his constant communication with me (even after requesting for him to give me time and not to contact me) really hindered my healing process.

    However, as I was still in love with him, what hurt more was him not being clear in his feelings for me and never articulating whether or not reconciliation was a possibility. It was very painful having to assume it wasn't, while in his mind, he knew it was. I personally would rather him have blatantly told me it was absolutely never going to happen again. That is what would have helped me move on more than anything.

    With that in mind, I think while receiving the letter may sting initially, it will probably help him more in the long-run. If he is questioning things or does have hopes of reconciliation (which I doubt), a definite answer is better than no answer IMO.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I agree with thinkstoohard.

    What you're battling with right now? This is breaking up. It flat out sucks, always. Doesn't matter if we know it's right, or if we're unsure. Doesn't matter if the relationship was warm or toxic or somewhere in between. It just sucks, and part of that is because you don't get to share it with person you're used to sharing things with. You don't get to have the same story, because a breakup is the end of the story you guys were writing, or trying to write, together.

    I feel for you. I know all your instincts here are coming from your heart, or mainly your heart. But I also think it's self-serving—and I say that with zero judgement, zero criticism. Just hugs.

    But at the end of the day you don't love how you feel right now—that unsettled feeling in the soul—and you're wondering if reaching out to him will make you feel a little better, more settled. It's kind of trying to control the narrative, or find common ground, a common story—but that's what you do inside a relationship, not during a breakup. That's what makes them so hard. They are unsettling, no two ways about it.

    If you feel an unconditional love for him, while also feeling certain that you two are best apart—then trust both those things, lean into both of them. They are real. He doesn't need to validate either for them to be real. He may not feel the way you feel right this second, and that's okay. It has to be.

    And trust, right now, that time has way more wisdom than you do. Time is on your side, and on his. Time will make space for communication, if it's meant to be. It won't feel agonizing like this. It will just kind of...happen. No need to post about it, to spin around in your head. That's just the pain of breaking up.

    I'm not in any way opposed to having contact with exes, for the record. I've had contact with most, remain close with two, on good terms with another. But that's not because I wrote a letter or she did, at the juncture you're in. It's because we dealt with all that on our own, and reconnected when the wounds had healed. It happens, it really does. And it generally happens in space and in silence.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I've had contact with most, remain close with two, on good terms with another. But that's not because I wrote a letter or she did, at the juncture you're in. It's because we dealt with all that on our own, and reconnected when the wounds had healed. It happens, it really does. And it generally happens in space and in silence.
    This is actually incredibly eye-opening. You definitely just changed my opinion in a matter of seconds. Thank you so much.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    The part of your initial post that caught my eye—yeah, I've been following this—was when you spoke about your desire for him to apologize, to show remorse. That's your pain right now, not pain for him to soothe, and the fact that it's still there, potent enough to write about, means that your motives in reaching out aren't as simple as ending things on a "good note." It means you're still wanting something from him, probably a version of the same thing he couldn't provide you with when you were together.

    And that's okay. That's humanity. That's life.

    There really is no such thing as a good note with a break up. I've kind of done them all, for what it's worth, from a door slammed in the face to the most loving and respectful of very sad conversations. Still, a void is a void is a void. In it there is discomfort, anger, love, regret, memories, and a zillion thoughts and feeling that don't quite line up until time sorts them out, softens them. You just have to sit with it, and come to terms with it on your own, as the other person does the same, on their timeline. Much as it sucks, in that sitting you build some real strength and resilience and, odd as it sounds, it's there where you open back up to the world.

    And it's there—in that openness, in that soul-cleansing process—where there's maybe space for communication again. Time, time, time.

    Like I said, I'm very close with two exes, and pretty close with another. It's not because someone finally apologized or showed remorse or offered some little piece of the puzzle that was missing in the most painful moments. Some of that has come, sure, but after years—so much time that when it lands it's like a melancholy little shrug. In the moment you're in it's just another shout in a noisy room, no matter the intentions.

    You guys worked for a while, until you didn't.

    Read that sentence again, because it's basically the story of every relationship that runs its course. So simple, so complicated. Once you can land on that story, without all the other feelings—well, then you can maybe reach out, see if there's room to connect some dots. Maybe. The point is there will be no agenda, no nerves, just an earnest fig leaf that might be received or might not—no worries either way.

    I like how you think, how you're processing all this. Speaks well for you, the path you're on right now. That path is super new. Stay on it for a bit, let the clouds burn away.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    The part of your initial post that caught my eye—yeah, I've been following this—was when you spoke about your desire for him to apologize, to show remorse. That's your pain right now, not pain for him to soothe, and the fact that it's still there, potent enough to write about, means that your motives in reaching out aren't as simple as ending things on a "good note." It means you're still wanting something from him, probably a version of the same thing he couldn't provide you with when you were together.

    And that's okay. That's humanity. That's life.

    There really is no such thing as a good note with a break up. I've kind of done them all, for what it's worth, from a door slammed in the face to the most loving and respectful of very sad conversations. Still, a void is a void is a void. In it there is discomfort, anger, love, regret, memories, and a zillion thoughts and feeling that don't quite line up until time sorts them out, softens them. You just have to sit with it, and come to terms with it on your own, as the other person does the same, on their timeline. Much as it sucks, in that sitting you build some real strength and resilience and, odd as it sounds, it's there where you open back up to the world.

    And it's there—in that openness, in that soul-cleansing process—where there's maybe space for communication again. Time, time, time.

    Like I said, I'm very close with two exes, and pretty close with another. It's not because someone finally apologized or showed remorse or offered some little piece of the puzzle that was missing in the most painful moments. Some of that has come, sure, but after years—so much time that when it lands it's like a melancholy little shrug. In the moment you're in it's just another shout in a noisy room, no matter the intentions.

    You guys worked for a while, until you didn't.

    Read that sentence again, because it's basically the story of every relationship that runs its course. So simple, so complicated. Once you can land on that story, without all the other feelings—well, then you can maybe reach out, see if there's room to connect some dots. Maybe. The point is there will be no agenda, no nerves, just an earnest fig leaf that might be received or might not—no worries either way.

    I like how you think, how you're processing all this. Speaks well for you, the path you're on right now. That path is super new. Stay on it for a bit, let the clouds burn away.
    Yes! All of this!

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