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Thread: 5 year relationship and next steps

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Mar 2019
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    5 year relationship and next steps

    Because we started as best friends we still leading up to our separation would always have good chemistry around each other, and even sexually have been attracted to each other up to the end. We were still making plans to see each other moving forward.

    The relationship has had occasional ups and downs where for whatever reason she’d break up with me and then after a small amount of time we would get back together. She’s always had a hard time reconciling her feelings about me but in the interim periods she’d never date anyone else nor would I.

    She’s had a hard time telling me she loves me.. but finally told me she really loves me and sees a permanent future. Few weeks later she states her feelings are transient, when I’m not physically present she feels she’s not in a relationship and doesn’t miss me as she should. She then asks for space to figure things out. Soon after I ask to visit and she says she thought i understood she wanted space to move on. She then breaks up with me for what she says is the final time. She says she has feelings for a co worker but doesn’t want to get into anything right away. She states she’d never say never to getting back together but it feels permanent and she wants me to be with someone who can reciprocate my feelings in a way she hasn’t.

    I then find out she’s been dating this co worker for a month. He’s a nice guy but the only real advantage I can see is that he isn’t long distance and he is the same race as her. He was just in a 10 year relationship, engaged and the wedding broke off end of last year like immediately prior to the wedding date.

    As soon as I find out.. instead of freaking out I send her a farewell message essentially. I tell her I love her, want her to find her happiness, maybe she finds it with this new guy or maybe she sees that she misses what we have. I state that we have our own issues to address but I love her and she knows how to contact me. I’ve since gone no contact for 2 weeks which is the longest we’ve been NC in 5 years. Still no word from her.

    My question: I somewhat left the ball in her court saying she knows how to reach me. After going NC for some time do I reach out again? This is a bit different in that this guy is her ethnicity and not long distance, but it is still what seems to be a rebound. They have already apparently met each other’s families despite him recently being engaged, and her being with me for so long. Their relationship seems to be moving quite fast. Again I want her to be happy ultimately but I’d also like to consider another chance. May mean something may not but he tagged her on Facebook in what almost seemed like an engagement post by his comments, but she removed it from her own FB wall.

    I’ve always chased after her in the past, for once I am going NC and seeing if she will come back.

    If I had to truly guess I’d think she does love me but is worried about being long distance of 3 hours and importantly family approval due to my race/religious differences. Not sure what to do but it seems she’s moved on for good. In my “farewell” message I did tell her and honestly mean that I want to give her current relationship respect and space. Intruding on it will only be bad for me in the end as it shows a lack of respect to her, and to myself.
    Last edited by Texas23; 03-31-2019 at 07:54 PM.

  2. #2
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    The new guy isn't really the issue, when it boils down to it. If it weren't this specific man, it would likely eventually be someone else. Why?

    The issue is that she doesn't have strong feelings for you anymore. There is a reason she broke up with you before and had a hard time telling you she loved you and feeling like she missed you. Someone who is truly invested in you and really is ready to commit generally doesn't struggle with those matters.

    Going No Contact now, or not, isn't going to change the underlying problem which is that you are on two different pages about each other. It seems as though it's going to be best to finally close this chapter so you can find someone with whom you don't feel compelled to go No Contact as a means of getting her to value you. When you reach that point, the relationship has been over a while in all but name.

  3. #3
    My question: I somewhat left the ball in her court saying she knows how to reach me. After going NC for some time do I reach out again?

    The answer is no. She has never really been 100% into this relationship and she has never been sure of her feelings for you, so she ended it. It's over so you need to stop chasing her. Don't reach out again. She told you to give her space to move on. Respect that. She is dating someone else so she has moved on with someone better suited to her. Time for you to let her go and do the same.

  4. #4
    Bronze Member Afireblue's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Texas23
    She’s had a hard time telling me she loves me.. but finally told me she really loves me and sees a permanent future. Few weeks later she states her feelings are transient, when I’m not physically present she feels she’s not in a relationship and doesn’t miss me as she should. She then asks for space to figure things out. Soon after I ask to visit and she says she thought i understood she wanted space to move on. She then breaks up with me for what she says is the final time. She says she has feelings for a co workerr but doesn’t want to get into anything right away. She states she’d never say never to getting back together but it feels permanent and she wants me to be with someone who can reciprocate my feelings in a way she hasn’t.
    You are still stuck in the on and off dynamic you've had with this woman in the past.

    Listen to what she really told you and not what you think you want to hear.

    I am sorry you are hurting. Do yourself a favor and continue with NC

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