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Prenuptial Agreements


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Hey guys, what are your thoughts on prenups?

 

My bf and I were discussing marriage last night (down the road) and I asked what he thought about them.

 

He said they're practical and would probably want one.

 

I agreed, and of course I would never marry him or any man for his money BUT then I got to thinking about it and it seems to me by negotiating such an agreement, doesn't that sort of imply or suggest the marriage may not last?

 

I am aware of the divorce rate, but who wants to enter into a marriage with the attitude it may not last?

 

I'm a bit on the fence about them now.

 

Thoughts?

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Would never agree to one ever and don’t have one.

 

Can you explain why S? Why are you against?

 

That's what I'm looking for - the pros and cons from different people. Is it cause of what I posted about it implying the marriage won't last, and that just takes the good energy out of it?

 

Thanks for responding!

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Because as you suggests the person is thinking the marriage won’t work and is looking for a way to screw you when it doesn’t.

 

If someone doesn’t want to share all they have with you then I am not interested.

 

That's sort of how I feel too minus the screwing you if/when it ends, even though that's essentially what it is, isn't it.

 

I have money/investments too so I'd be protecting my assets too I suppose, I just don't think I like the whole idea of them.

 

The suggestion the marriage wouldn't last - what a negative before even going in!

 

I'm interested in the pros though too, why some folks think they're a good idea.

 

I'm so on the fence about it!

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That's sort of how I feel too minus the screwing you if/when it ends, even though that's essentially what it is, isn't it.

 

I have money/investments too so I'd be protecting my assets too I suppose, I just don't think I like the whole idea of them.

 

I'm interested in the pros though, why some folks think they're a good idea.

 

I'm so on the fence about it!

 

I don't think their are many pros. I mean, if you are rich and famous, the pro is that it would repell gold diggers. But if you are an average person with a basic 401k, a car and a condo that you might selll upon marriage or it would be your marital home -- a prenup means that "i plan to divorce"

 

I most states, the assets you walk into a marriage with are yours. the only real exception i can think of is a fund you keep adding to (and then it would be prorated in a divorce - ie. the spouse is only entitled to half of what was earned and contribited AFTER the wedding day) or you bought a home before marriage in your name only, you were married for 15 years and it has become the marital home - the other spouse has the right not to be homeless. They may require the home owning, higher earning party to pay out of equity to provide housing especially if there are kids and thatsfair.

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I presume the whole hidden marriage thingy has been worked out and things are fine now.

 

And maybe that's why he's pro-prenup. Perhaps he got burned the first time?

 

Now, that's not to say it's right for you to "pay" (literally) for whatever happened in his first marriage. However, life lessons wouldn't be worth much if we didn't learn from them, right?

 

I work hard for what I have. I don't live in a palace and I don't have huge investments or own real property or anything of great value. But I want to retain what I've worked hard to get. If for some reason I got married again (highly unlikely, but who knows), I would want to retain everything I own in the event it doesn't work out. I'd want my assets (life insurance, stock, etc.) to go to my kids, not to an ex-husband. So yeah, right now I'd have one.

 

Now, if it was a first marriage for me and there are no kids, I'd just want to be sure to have a will so that in case something happened to me I would designate who my (future) kids would go to. Of course, their father is the obvious choice but there are other factors (both of us in an airplane crash?) to consider.

 

Anyway, in your case I do wonder if the first marriage is influencing his interest in having a pre-nup. You could ask him why he wants one and see what he says.

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I read somewhere they're a good idea because it's being negotiated while you're in love and thus inclined to be more generous to the person who has less.

 

Versus not having one and if/when the marriage ends, the person with less getting really screwed due to their spouse not giving a shyt anymore, and having really good lawyers!

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I don’t think they make sense for the vast majority of people who don’t have significant (truly significant) assets - or hugely disproportionate assets. Beyond that, I wanted the financial arrangement in my marriage to basically be that all our money would be shared and all our accounts would be joint, so I wouldn’t have wanted any agreement that laid out his and hers. (As it happened, we married with similar, minimal assets). And I don’t like the idea of putting extensive thought into a plan B before marrying.

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If you aren't comfortable with the default laws of your land upon entering marriage, I think prenups can be helpful for negotiating terms.

I don't think it brings a voodoo curse or bad energy any more than drawing up a will does. It's simply not wanting it handled by default. I actually think there's something empowering about that. It's peace of mind of what will happen should it need to come into play.

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My wife and I signed a prenuptial agreement. It was my idea despite being the one who has the most to gain from a default divorce. It is stipulated that should I make a move that compromises my career for the benefit of hers and / or we start a family, myself being the caregiver, every asset from then on is considered jointly-owned. But I don't feel myself entitled to half of whatever while still being a perfectly capable and independent guy, not bogged down by the responsibility of children. Divorce brings out the worst of people, and I don't consider it impractical or exceptionally pessimistic to take that into account.

 

Hopefully with the trend of people getting married later and those marriages lasting longer, we'll see a differing norm, but for now, it makes very practical sense to not assume yourselves any better or smarter than the statistical majority who have found themselves not working out.

 

Again, this is coming from a guy who could take my wife to the cleaners if I so much as found a stripper I wanted to bang more than her.

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It's best to talk to an attorney about the laws in your jurisdiction and of course each persons assets prior to marriage as well as circumstances such as wealth inequity, children, prior marriages, etc. Broad general theoretical discussions are basically pointless, because it is very individualized. It has nothing to do with love, trust, divorce rates, etc. The best thing you can do is talk to an attorney about your particular financial situation assets, liabilities, retirement accounts, etc and get rock solid advice regarding beneficiaries, divorce laws in you state, etc. Then make your assets bullet proof through trusts.

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Is it cause of what I posted about it implying the marriage won't last, and that just takes the good energy out of it?

 

 

This is not about insinuating something. Realistically speaking, there is always a chance to break up in the future whether you sign a prenup or not. Most things in life do not last forever and this is not a bad thing as we all tend to believe. Too much idealism leads to wrong decisions and frustration.

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See post no. 10 re my bf.

 

We went through a rough patch (as many couples do), and the "feelings" I had for my ex were fleeting (as I suspected and posted about in previous thread).

 

As many advised, I was feeling sick, emotional and not in a good frame of mind to make any rational important decisions about my feelings or anything else. Good advice!

 

Anyway, to update, my bf and I have talked it all out and resolved. And feel closer than ever now.

 

As folks keep saying, communication is key. Works for us anyway! D

 

Thanks guys for your responses about the subject of this this thread -- prenups.

 

j.man I especially appreciated your response, given your relationship/marriage with your wife, but thank everyone who chimed in.

 

This was the first time my bf and I ever discussed marriage and if/when it happens, it will be down the road, not now.

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Not really MLD, it's all good and we had a great weekend!

 

Yeah I was upset, hence my previous thread, but again communication is key and sometimes it takes a sort of crisis to finally bring things to the table, communicate and ultimately resolve, which is what we did. All good!

 

But thanks for your concern! :D

 

Edit: Thankfully, my bf really understands me, my nature, and accepts.

 

Not easy by any stretch, I own that!

 

As I understand and accept him too, now more than ever.

 

Thnx again!

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I can see having a prenup if you have substantial assets you dont want to risk losing if the marriage fails. I didnt have one with my husband but we didnt have much of anything to lose when we got married. Now, I'd do it. I own a house, a few cars, have some money etc. and if I was a widow or divorced and met a guy I wanted to marry, yup I'd secure what's mine and expect him to do the same with what he has. It's not about thinking the marriage may fail, as any marriage can fail. It's about not losing what you worked hard for.

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It's like any contract or like taking out an insurance policy. You aren't doing it because you intend to injure yourself and use the policy. You are doing it in case something goes horribly sideways in some unpredictable manner to minimize catastrophic damage should you become exposed to it.

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