Jump to content

Need Advice on Next Steps (Want to Save Marriage)


thekid55

Recommended Posts

Hey guys. Hope all is well.

 

I've been a long time member of ENA. I'll cut to the chase. About a week ago, my wife of 5 years moved out of our home. She cried non-stop as she gathered her belonging and left. A few days before, we went to her counsellor to discuss things, and needless to say, things didn't go well at all. I've been stressed out with some job uncertainty that I let affect our relationship. The job uncertainty, plus my parents getting divorced, has made me feel unsure of myself. That spilled over into my marriage and I didn't properly lead things forward. I was unhappy with my job and my parents divorce, so I shut her out. She tried everything she could to help me, but I wasn't responsive of her. I take full responsibility of this.

 

After she moved out, her commute became insanely long. I didn't call her at all last week because I wanted to give some time and space. I did, however, send her a brief e-mail about bills on Tuesday evening. We have a large credit card bill and tax liability that is due by April 15th, so I sent her the numbers and detail behind it. It sounded like a 'business email'.

 

I've been watching the credit cards and stuff. She has been spending like normal, but never responded to e-mail about the bills. Some of the charges, namely her getting her nails done, aggravated me. It's not out of the norm for her to do this, but I felt like I was being disrespected. Therefore, I decided to cancel the credit card to send a message.

 

Maybe an hour after I cancelled it, I got 7 calls from her a voicemail. I called her back and explained what the deal was. I told that I felt disrespected by her spending and she said that she was upset because I didn't bother to check in with her at all this week since she was displaced and had a bad commute. I told I understood she was frustrated and then we got off the phone. The texting began

 

  • Me: You had a tough week. I can't imagine what the commute was like for you. The money issue has been weighing on my mind. I've made mistakes, but I've never cheated, lie or mistreated you. I'll go to the mediator if that's what you truly want.
  • Her: You told me to leave my home. You were mean and out of line. I didn't hear from you all week. Not even an "Are you Okay"? Not only was I displaced all, kicked out of my home while dealing with sperating from my husband, I got sick. DIdn't hear from you other than your business emaila bout money. Then you randomly go and close the credit card. You flip flop all the on how you feel. I can't take it anymore. You leave me no choice. You make me the tough decisions.
  • Me: I understand why you feel that way. I take 100% blame for everything that's happened over the last few months. I wasn't the best partner and did a lot of things wrong. I understand why you feel the need to leave for good.
  • Her: Stop saying it's me making the decisions. You told the counsellor you were done. You change your mind on what you want. What am I supposed to think? I feel like you puroposely make problems because you want to be done with me.
  • Me: I've screwed a lot of this up and have to live with it. That's why my week felt like hell. I'm not perfect and make a lot of mistakes. I pushed you away when you wanted to feel loved and appreciated. I did a horrible job of that and have to live with it now. I've scared you off by inaction.
  • Her: Yes, and you told me for almost a year that what I do isn't good enough and that I'm not there for you.
  • Me: You are right. I screwed up and didn't appreciate my wife when she was there for me.
  • Her: I resent certain things. At this point, we can barely be in the same house. Even if you wanted to work on it, I don't see how it'll work. We can't live together, I don't know if you want it to work, I don't know how long it would take. I don't doub that you've had a rough time over the past 2 years and that's why I've been there for you, but you've also said a lot of wanting a life without me. I think about all of these things. Add in your flip flopping and my head spins.
  • Me: I agree with what you said. You didn't deserve this. I'm going back to counselling to work on my communication.
  • Her: I tried hard. So hard. I don't even know what the truth is anymore. All I know is for you to get to where you want to be its going to take a long time. I'm not convinced you want to be in this marriage anymore.
  • Me: I want to show you my change and show you that I can be a better partner. It's going to take time.
  • Her: I understand, but it's more than than that. You've said we are on 2 different paths. I think we need a clean break and if life leads us back then it does. Idk how long it's going to take you and even if in the end, you want to be in this relationship aymore. I think you love me and it makes you sad, but I don't think you want me as your wife anymore.
  • Me: I want you as my wife. I just think I needed to take a breather. It's been 10 years and we've never taken a minute to chill. If you want a clean break, I respect that.
  • Her: We shouldn't need a break
  • Me: I agree we shouldn't need it, but we are human and stuff happens to even the best relationshps.
  • Her: I know, but this has been going on a long time and you've made comments about wanting different things.

 

This Morning:

  • Me: Hi. How are you feeling today?
  • Her: Kinda lost my voice. I'm not sure when I'll be getting more things from the apartment, but we should probably meet this week to discuss a plan before going to the mediator.
  • Me: I was an @$$ and didn't appreciate you. I Said some mean things that you didn't deserve. I regret that. I see all of my mistakes now and want to work on things. If you aren't interested, I understand.
  • Her: I just don't think right now we can. It's too far gone. You need to figure out what you want career wise, life wise, etc. If the roads us back, then it does, but at this point, it's just so far gone.

 

Need help here. What should I do or say? I've cleared turned her off, but I don't want to totally back off, either.

Link to comment

I think OP was saying he was trying to sort out their mutual finances as a large bill is incoming and needs sorting/attention and had asked for her input/help and she ignored him for a week but continued to splash the cash. Not the act of getting her nails done itself.

Link to comment
I think OP was saying he was trying to sort out their mutual finances as a large bill is incoming and needs sorting/attention and had asked for her input/help and she ignored him for a week but continued to splash the cash. Not the act of getting her nails done itself.

 

Ahhh, ok, got it now! Thanks

Link to comment

I’ll be blunt. Are you sure you love this woman?

 

You are flipping more than a pancake. One minute you want time and space, the next you love her and want to work on things. What is it?

 

Stop the games and be direct. If you want her, tell her to come home and quit allowing outside drama to affect your marriage.

 

Women want a rock, not a pebble.

Link to comment
I’ll be blunt. Are you sure you love this woman?

 

You are flipping more than a pancake. One minute you want time and space, the next you love her and want to work on things. What is it?

 

Stop the games and be direct. If you want her, tell her to come home and quit allowing outside drama to affect your marriage.

 

Women want a rock, not a pebble.

 

I agree with the above. This woman sounds totally confused as to what the heck you really want, OP, because it doesn't sound like you really know either. The words she uses are coming from a place of emotional exhaustion and sadness.

Link to comment

Got a text from her today.

 

Me: Hi. I know your job has been crazy for months. You are such a great teacher. A lot of people look up to you and love you in that school. Trust your feelings and I hope you have a great day.

 

Her: thekid55..I know that you have out to different people and you're trying to get to me. I understand that now that days have passed, your sad and probably lonely. I'm sorry for this. I tried very hard for a long time to get to you. My true feelings I have shared with you....that I have felt you flip flip on how you feel about me and everything else in your life. I don't trust most of what you say anymore becuase you say one thing and then a few days later change your words completely. I could no longer life like this. My head was spinning. Aside from being in a bad place at work, you have made many comments over the last 2 years about wanting different things out of life. I respect that. You need to work on yourself before anything else.

 

I'm not trying to punish you or make a statement. It went on too long. No matter what I did there was no reaction to my despair. When there was, it wasn't pleasant. I truly feel like you need work on you. I tried very hard to help you with this, but you turned on me. It's gotten a place where I had to you be alone to figure yourself out.

Link to comment

I think cancelling the credit card behind her back was a pretty poor move, especially if you wanted to save the marriage. It's quite passive aggressive. I mean, OK, she didn't reply to the financial E-mail but it's not exactly like she was spending a fortune on luxuries. Getting your nails done is not that expensive and it's just a nice way to unwind when you're going through hard time. I'm not sure of the full story of your relationship but if you were the one that ended it and didn't stop your wife from moving out then why only now you've decided to save the marriage?

Link to comment

OP, I think you are only into the marriage 70% and your own self-confidence in yourself is only pulling you further down in your eyes and in hers.

I hope the mediation goes well, at this point you need to not only have 100% love for her, but SHOW 100% love to make a relationship like this work.

And even then, you have to rebuild trust with her, and that takes years to build and seconds to lose.

Link to comment

Overall, here's what I think happened.

 

I allowed some general job frustration, lack of progression of life due to cost of living, and my parents divorce throw me off center. I live in a state where the cost of living is super high. At 30, I thought I'd be further along than where I currently am even though I make good money. In addition, we have a large student loan bill every month that we have to pay that takes up about 25% of our paycheck. I didn't handle these things the right way. In addition, I've been dealing with some job uncertainty for the last year or so. I let all of these affect my marriage because I shut down without voicing how I was feeling. My way of dealing with it was to shut down and interalize it. As we got more information at work, my feelings about the job and future became rocky. I changed my mind a lot because the information changed a lot. I allowed those changes to affect me. In addition, I've floating moving to my wife several times over the last few years. Her family is nearby, so moving is a scary proposition. Sometimes, she was receptive. Other times, she wasn't. I think her attitude about moving was a reflection of the relationship at the time. My parents got divorced a few years ago after a 30 year marriage. Their marriage was a nightmare and they only stayed together for the kids. My mother is terminally ill as well and we don't have much a relationship.

 

My disappointment led me to a point where I said, out of frustration, that I didn't want to work on things anymore in a counselling session. This happened about 10 days ago. The counsellor was totally on my wife side, didn't see any errors that she was making, and I felt like it was 2-on-1. In the counselling session, I agreed to move out, which I said out of frustration. Two days later, after I took some time to think it over, I thought to myself "What the heck. My marriage is falling apart. I'm not leaving". By then, she was too far gone and decided to move out and live with her parents.

 

For the last week, there's been a ton of frustration. How could she do this to me? Why was she being disloyal? Why didn’t she love? Why didn’t she appreciate me and all the things I was doing for the family? I blamed everything on her. When she didn't respond to my e-mail about bills, I felt disrespected. In my mind, I rationalized it by thinking about everything I've ever done for her. In reality, she was just hurt, upset, and just emotionally spent. It didn't matter what I did in the past. She was hurt now and that's all that mattered.

 

Over the weekend, I reached out to some friends and family. I apologized to her family for putting them in a tough spot because they weren't equipped to have her move in. I told them that I take responsibility for this happening. I e-mailed her counsellor and apologize for getting angry during the session. The counsellor and family were receptive to my notes. I felt like I could clear my head by just being honest and owning my mistakes.

 

Her text message this morning made me feel like my marriage might be over. Up until this morning, I thought we could work it out. People have told me to just give up and move on, but in my heart, I know I don't want to do that without giving it every effort to work. I've started to think that those people are right. Maybe things are truly over. However, this time in my life may be the greatest opportunity for positive change. My marriage may be over, but I'm going to accept one thing that I do have control over: me.

 

I have to change my thinking from "If only I can get her to change X,Y,Z, things will be okay and our marriage will work out". The problem is---I've been trying everything I can do to win her back. (e.g., maniuplate, coerce her, strong arm her). I have to start working on myself again. I have to accept that my marriage may be over, but I can control me, better myself, and whatever women comes along next, will get the best version of me.

 

Here is my plan:

 

1. Time and Attention: I'm going to give myself a lot of time and attention to heal, mend, and work on myself. I'm going to focus my energy elsewhere. Not on her. This weekend was pretty dark for me. I felt alone and pretty bummed out, but I have to accept it as time to work on me.

 

2. Absorbing New Info: Things are not working out for me in general because the information I'm absorbing just isn't working. I started reading new books last night and I spent time listening to new podcasts about communication and self growth this morning.

 

3. Making New Friends: I think a lot of guys are guilty for losing touch with friends when things go south. During this time, I've realized that I've forsaken my friends. I've been alone and no one is around. It's led to negative thoughts about her and what I've lost. I have to make new friends and plan on joining a softball league.

 

4. Fitness: I'm in great shape already, but I will keep it up. I feel super confident from all of my time in the gym.

 

5. Finding New Hobbies: I enjoy doing fantasy sports. I'm going to start playing softball again. I've always wanted to try singing. I want to volunteer more. These are all good things that I need to start doing.

 

6. Getting Finance Stuff in Order: Never has been an issue. I've always been all over the financial planning aspect. Maybe I'll improve in this area by not checking things are frequently.

 

7. Challenging Myself: I need to keep pushing myself outside of my comfort zone. I got too complacent. I need to challenge myself physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, etc. If I want to fix myself, and maybe fix my marriage, I have to push myself.

 

This is just a list of things I can do to improve. Maybe it's too late to save my marriage. Maybe my wife is too far gone. Who knows. All I know is--I need to stop spending time focusing on her/trying to 'win her back'. I need to engage my mind, engage my body, spirit, etc.

 

Whatever happens, I know I'll be the best catch for the next woman to come into my life.

Link to comment
You're a cold passive aggressive man, and job stress and your parents divorce are no excuse for the way you treated her. It's clear that she longer trusts you. Let her move on and a better life with someone who knows how to treat her right.

 

I'm not perfect, but 'cold, passive aggressive man'?

Link to comment

More texts this afternoon. I went to church during lunch. I stayed for the service. I went to confessional afterwards. I haven't been in confessional in about 15 years. I wanted to confess that I let my marriage fall apart. (Obviously, both people have a hand in falling apart, but I can only control me.) After I left confessional, I sent this message:

 

Me: I know I hurt you and broke the trust you have in me. I didn't handle my work stress well and became unsure of things. I accept that and apologize. I went to church today and did a confessional. I confessed that I hurt you, damanged our marriage, and asked for forgiveness. The priest asked us both to pray to save our marriage. It's going to take time, but I want to show that I can be trusted against with your heart and I will be a better man. My action matter and my action will show you my changes in time.

 

Her: I appreciate that you did that, but I still think you need to fix yourself for you. I think some of what you have said is truly how you feel. I'm concerned about many things, including your mental health. Idk what's going on, but I'm concerned with your stability. I just don't see how we go back and fix things. You need to work on yourself for yourself.

 

Me: I want to be as clear as possible. I want to work on my marriage. I said a lot of things out of anger because I felt disappointed career wise and felt like I should be achieving more. I want you to come home when you are ready. I'm not putting pressure on that. We aren't 'just dating' and we aren't 21-years-old anymore. Did I do harmful things and hurt you? Yes, I did. Do I have things to work on? Yes, I do. I'm starting solo counselling tomorrow night and looking into a marriage counsellor.

 

Her: I hear what you are saying, but I don't think you are hearing me. It's more than hurtful words. You clearly want different things from your life and you made it clear you were willing to do it alone. You kicked me out, I'm not coming home. There's no way we can live together now or remotely soon. I'm happy you are going to counselling for yourself. You have to understand that you've flipflopped so much that you say these things now, but in 2 weeks, you'll go to extreme hate again. When you say these things, I don't even have any feeling anymore because it's gone on too long.

 

///

 

Going back to NC. Going to work on myself as outlined in my post, above.

Link to comment

Yep, TheKid i'm sorry but i think she is done. A year or two down the line who knows if she can see consistant and sustained change.

 

The things you are doing are good, the councilling etc but shes still hearing/seeing that you are doing that to get her back, not purely to improve yourslef for you and it seems pretty clear that is what she is shouting out to you and you are not hearing it. She doesnt want you to improve to achieve the end result of her coming back as a prize. She wants to see genuine change from you from within yourself for yourself.

 

You are not hearing what she is saying. You just keep pushing forward so she pushes back and every time she pushes back she disconnects more.

Link to comment
I think you need to brace yourself for the very strong likelihood that she will file for legal separation in the not-so-distant future.

 

Yes, understood. If that happens, I will be ready for it. Until then, I will continue working on myself. Going No Contact.

Link to comment

Definitely stop with the attention seeking texts.

 

You're saying "look at me look at me!!!" but she seems to just want you to leave her alone.

 

Can you respect her wishes? Can you HEAR her? Or are you too busy talking to really listen?

 

She felt unheard and insignificant. Your texts just confirm to her that she made the right decision by leaving.

 

Please, if you want there to be any hope at all, leave her alone. Let her be without you long enough so maybe she can start to remember the good times.

Link to comment

If you kicked your wife out of the house, it could be too late.

I do think if the problem with the marriage is neglect, ignoring them is the death knell - you should have done the opposite. Give her the attention she needed -- cut back on accepting more projects at work, admitting that your parents' marriage is not within your control and accept that. The answer to neglect is not more neglect. And yes, your wife is entitled to a little self care. If she got her nails done to do something nice for herself after her husband told her to go -- that's her therapy. You have to put your wife first - i don't know if you can save it. But that's the only way

Link to comment

Me: I know I hurt you and broke the trust you have in me. I didn't handle my work stress well and became unsure of things. I accept that and apologize. I went to church today and did a confessional. I confessed that I hurt you, damanged our marriage, and asked for forgiveness. The priest asked us both to pray to save our marriage. It's going to take time, but I want to show that I can be trusted against with your heart and I will be a better man. My action matter and my action will show you my changes in time.

 

Her: I appreciate that you did that, but I still think you need to fix yourself for you. I think some of what you have said is truly how you feel. I'm concerned about many things, including your mental health. Idk what's going on, but I'm concerned with your stability. I just don't see how we go back and fix things. You need to work on yourself for yourself.

 

Me: I want to be as clear as possible. I want to work on my marriage. I said a lot of things out of anger because I felt disappointed career wise and felt like I should be achieving more. I want you to come home when you are ready. I'm not putting pressure on that. We aren't 'just dating' and we aren't 21-years-old anymore. Did I do harmful things and hurt you? Yes, I did. Do I have things to work on? Yes, I do. I'm starting solo counselling tomorrow night and looking into a marriage counsellor.

 

 

Confession is not something to do to brag about it! If it was something you did privately and didn't tell her about, then that would be a sincere thing.

When my marriage broke up - it was abusive -- the first few months away from my ex i was dilligently working on myself through every counseling and support group imaginable hoping it would earn me the ability to at least talk to him (when he walked out, he never communicated again. all i wanted was to ask why. he even emptied the bank account and disappeared)

And at some point it became sincere and just about me and my healing. I no longer was vying to hear from him.

 

You are trying to "make yourself clear" - all this stuff you are going to do - i do understand why your wife thinks its all talk for sure.

 

I think you are panicking because you may lose your wife - as long as she was there, she wasn't worth the effort to you

 

You need a strong dose of humility

Link to comment
That's the impression you give off yes. You hurt her and made her feel worthless, then kicked her out of her home. You're very cold. You're deluded if you think she will come back after that.

 

Yes - especially kicking someone out when YOU are the problem = your wife has been starving for any kind of real affection or baseline attention from you. If you went to confessional, then you probably were married in the church? If so, do you remember the part about "leaving and cleaving" -- leaving your parents and cleaving to your wife? Obviously, that doesn't mean you leave your parents in a gutter to die, but it means your spouse comes first and also, there are only two people, not three including you, in your parents' marriage. Your parents need to deal with their own relationship and you should let them.

 

And you continue to kick and punish your wife for ever bringing up her needs because they can't be possible as dire as yours

Link to comment
You have to understand that you've flipflopped so much that you say these things now, but in 2 weeks, you'll go to extreme hate again. When you say these things, I don't even have any feeling anymore because it's gone on too long.

 

She has referred to this more than once.

She clearly does not trust you and does not trust anything will change. She has been given no reason too.

You referred to strong arming her and trying to manipulate her into returning. That and kicking her out. You do already know that that is most likely the nail in the coffin.

The best thing you can do is let go. Work on yourself.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...