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Thread: Need Advice on Next Steps (Want to Save Marriage)

  1. #1
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Need Advice on Next Steps (Want to Save Marriage)

    Hey guys. Hope all is well.

    I've been a long time member of ENA. I'll cut to the chase. About a week ago, my wife of 5 years moved out of our home. She cried non-stop as she gathered her belonging and left. A few days before, we went to her counsellor to discuss things, and needless to say, things didn't go well at all. I've been stressed out with some job uncertainty that I let affect our relationship. The job uncertainty, plus my parents getting divorced, has made me feel unsure of myself. That spilled over into my marriage and I didn't properly lead things forward. I was unhappy with my job and my parents divorce, so I shut her out. She tried everything she could to help me, but I wasn't responsive of her. I take full responsibility of this.

    After she moved out, her commute became insanely long. I didn't call her at all last week because I wanted to give some time and space. I did, however, send her a brief e-mail about bills on Tuesday evening. We have a large credit card bill and tax liability that is due by April 15th, so I sent her the numbers and detail behind it. It sounded like a 'business email'.

    I've been watching the credit cards and stuff. She has been spending like normal, but never responded to e-mail about the bills. Some of the charges, namely her getting her nails done, aggravated me. It's not out of the norm for her to do this, but I felt like I was being disrespected. Therefore, I decided to cancel the credit card to send a message.

    Maybe an hour after I cancelled it, I got 7 calls from her a voicemail. I called her back and explained what the deal was. I told that I felt disrespected by her spending and she said that she was upset because I didn't bother to check in with her at all this week since she was displaced and had a bad commute. I told I understood she was frustrated and then we got off the phone. The texting began

    • Me: You had a tough week. I can't imagine what the commute was like for you. The money issue has been weighing on my mind. I've made mistakes, but I've never cheated, lie or mistreated you. I'll go to the mediator if that's what you truly want.
    • Her: You told me to leave my home. You were mean and out of line. I didn't hear from you all week. Not even an "Are you Okay"? Not only was I displaced all, kicked out of my home while dealing with sperating from my husband, I got sick. DIdn't hear from you other than your business emaila bout money. Then you randomly go and close the credit card. You flip flop all the on how you feel. I can't take it anymore. You leave me no choice. You make me the tough decisions.
    • Me: I understand why you feel that way. I take 100% blame for everything that's happened over the last few months. I wasn't the best partner and did a lot of things wrong. I understand why you feel the need to leave for good.
    • Her: Stop saying it's me making the decisions. You told the counsellor you were done. You change your mind on what you want. What am I supposed to think? I feel like you puroposely make problems because you want to be done with me.
    • Me: I've screwed a lot of this up and have to live with it. That's why my week felt like hell. I'm not perfect and make a lot of mistakes. I pushed you away when you wanted to feel loved and appreciated. I did a horrible job of that and have to live with it now. I've scared you off by inaction.
    • Her: Yes, and you told me for almost a year that what I do isn't good enough and that I'm not there for you.
    • Me: You are right. I screwed up and didn't appreciate my wife when she was there for me.
    • Her: I resent certain things. At this point, we can barely be in the same house. Even if you wanted to work on it, I don't see how it'll work. We can't live together, I don't know if you want it to work, I don't know how long it would take. I don't doub that you've had a rough time over the past 2 years and that's why I've been there for you, but you've also said a lot of wanting a life without me. I think about all of these things. Add in your flip flopping and my head spins.
    • Me: I agree with what you said. You didn't deserve this. I'm going back to counselling to work on my communication.
    • Her: I tried hard. So hard. I don't even know what the truth is anymore. All I know is for you to get to where you want to be its going to take a long time. I'm not convinced you want to be in this marriage anymore.
    • Me: I want to show you my change and show you that I can be a better partner. It's going to take time.
    • Her: I understand, but it's more than than that. You've said we are on 2 different paths. I think we need a clean break and if life leads us back then it does. Idk how long it's going to take you and even if in the end, you want to be in this relationship aymore. I think you love me and it makes you sad, but I don't think you want me as your wife anymore.
    • Me: I want you as my wife. I just think I needed to take a breather. It's been 10 years and we've never taken a minute to chill. If you want a clean break, I respect that.
    • Her: We shouldn't need a break
    • Me: I agree we shouldn't need it, but we are human and stuff happens to even the best relationshps.
    • Her: I know, but this has been going on a long time and you've made comments about wanting different things.


    This Morning:
    • Me: Hi. How are you feeling today?
    • Her: Kinda lost my voice. I'm not sure when I'll be getting more things from the apartment, but we should probably meet this week to discuss a plan before going to the mediator.
    • Me: I was an @$$ and didn't appreciate you. I Said some mean things that you didn't deserve. I regret that. I see all of my mistakes now and want to work on things. If you aren't interested, I understand.
    • Her: I just don't think right now we can. It's too far gone. You need to figure out what you want career wise, life wise, etc. If the roads us back, then it does, but at this point, it's just so far gone.


    Need help here. What should I do or say? I've cleared turned her off, but I don't want to totally back off, either.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member shellyf62's Avatar
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    How on earth did your Wife getting her nails done disrespect you?

  3. #3
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    I think OP was saying he was trying to sort out their mutual finances as a large bill is incoming and needs sorting/attention and had asked for her input/help and she ignored him for a week but continued to splash the cash. Not the act of getting her nails done itself.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member shellyf62's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ninjabib
    I think OP was saying he was trying to sort out their mutual finances as a large bill is incoming and needs sorting/attention and had asked for her input/help and she ignored him for a week but continued to splash the cash. Not the act of getting her nails done itself.
    Ahhh, ok, got it now! Thanks

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  6. #5
    Super Moderator annie24's Avatar
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    Can you two agree to go back to the marriage counselor and talk?

  7. #6
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    Iíll be blunt. Are you sure you love this woman?

    You are flipping more than a pancake. One minute you want time and space, the next you love her and want to work on things. What is it?

    Stop the games and be direct. If you want her, tell her to come home and quit allowing outside drama to affect your marriage.

    Women want a rock, not a pebble.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by TheOutlaw
    Iíll be blunt. Are you sure you love this woman?

    You are flipping more than a pancake. One minute you want time and space, the next you love her and want to work on things. What is it?

    Stop the games and be direct. If you want her, tell her to come home and quit allowing outside drama to affect your marriage.

    Women want a rock, not a pebble.
    I agree with the above. This woman sounds totally confused as to what the heck you really want, OP, because it doesn't sound like you really know either. The words she uses are coming from a place of emotional exhaustion and sadness.

  9. #8
    I'll be honest, you have been really cold to her. You hurt her. You put her through allot with your personal problems and made her leave her home. Now you want her back? Honestly, you don't deserve her back. If she has any sense she will keep her distance from you.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member thekid55's Avatar
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    Got a text from her today.

    Me: Hi. I know your job has been crazy for months. You are such a great teacher. A lot of people look up to you and love you in that school. Trust your feelings and I hope you have a great day.

    Her: thekid55..I know that you have out to different people and you're trying to get to me. I understand that now that days have passed, your sad and probably lonely. I'm sorry for this. I tried very hard for a long time to get to you. My true feelings I have shared with you....that I have felt you flip flip on how you feel about me and everything else in your life. I don't trust most of what you say anymore becuase you say one thing and then a few days later change your words completely. I could no longer life like this. My head was spinning. Aside from being in a bad place at work, you have made many comments over the last 2 years about wanting different things out of life. I respect that. You need to work on yourself before anything else.

    I'm not trying to punish you or make a statement. It went on too long. No matter what I did there was no reaction to my despair. When there was, it wasn't pleasant. I truly feel like you need work on you. I tried very hard to help you with this, but you turned on me. It's gotten a place where I had to you be alone to figure yourself out.

  11. #10
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    I think cancelling the credit card behind her back was a pretty poor move, especially if you wanted to save the marriage. It's quite passive aggressive. I mean, OK, she didn't reply to the financial E-mail but it's not exactly like she was spending a fortune on luxuries. Getting your nails done is not that expensive and it's just a nice way to unwind when you're going through hard time. I'm not sure of the full story of your relationship but if you were the one that ended it and didn't stop your wife from moving out then why only now you've decided to save the marriage?

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