Dating was hell but I don’t want to be single

So I have been single for 2 years and never really dated before, I was never that interested in a relationship until recently. I would meet someone and it would become a relationship. Thats never worked well so I realised I need to date and get to know someone before making a commitment. Problem is I loathe it! I’ve been trying to find someone irl and online (because I suck at flirting irl) seriously for around 6-9 months. Overall its been a year since I started looking on and off. I have had around 15-20 first dates. One guy I had 2 dates with but that didnt feel right.

I have put so much energy into it, it felt like a part time job. I would often cry because it was so exhausting and I was getting nowhere. Many times I had a breakdown because I felt like I was being stretched so thin, between work, studies, making friends, exercise and dating. I was totally overehelmed and wanted to be able to focus more on dating. After I told the last guy I didnt think it would go anywhere I cried more than when I was dumped by my ex. I just feel like I’ve put so much into dating and getting nowhere.

I am not being fussy but I haven’t even met anyone I would like a fling with, let alone a committed relationship. I came off dating sites a fortnight ago because it was making me miserable and I was emotionally drained. I feel better overall and my studies have improved. Now what? I feel like I’ve given up on dating for the sake of my emotional state but I feel so sad at the prospect of being single for the forseeable future. Even sex and cuddles would be enjoyable if I cant find someone to date seriously for a while but its just not happening.

I will be finished with my studies for a while in a few months so will have some time for dating. What can I do to enjoy it? Honestly it just feels like an absolute chore. I thought online dating would give me lots of options so I could find someone worthwhile but its just made me realise that actually I have none, unless I want to date men who dont appear to have much to offer.

Dating is the endless search for a needle in a haystack.

But there is good news - you only need to find one good one!

Also, if you have had trouble picking good matches in the past - besides just taking it slow - it sounds like that is what you are doing - look into what's called circular or multi dating (this may be what you are doing?)

What happened with the other failed relationships? How old are you?

You might want to up your game a bit and try a better dating site like eharmony. I know they charge for it, but it lets you narrow down to some specifics of what you're looking for. If you don't mind spending the money, I think you might have better luck there.

Im 32, the intention was to multi-date but I never liked any enough to get to the second date apart from the last one so had no opportunity to multi-date. I wouldnt have time to multi-date with my studies anyway. I lost all interest in anyone else with the last one because I saw potential ambition wise but I didn’t see it going anywhere so I told him as much.

My previous relationships were mostly abusive or dysfunctional. I took time out to work on myself since I’m the common denominator, in the hopes of attracting better men. I feel like things are much better in that respect I can very quickly recognise people who are no good for me and place boundaries to keep them away from me but there are no good men coming into my life in their place. Maybe I’m in a limbo between good and bad partners and need to do further work to attract some lovely men my way after figuring out how to ward off the bad ones?

I feel like I’ve got a lot to offer. Not sure where I’m going wrong. I dont often find myself attracted to anyone which is also frustrating.

I think paying to do something I’m not enjoying would make me feel worse lol. You can screen on POF anyway but I imagine theres less timewasters on paid for sites.

I was told by my friend eharmony was a waste of her money as few local men on there and all too old (shes already quite older than me). My friends mum had success on there but again a lot older. I’d try it if I got desperate. I would much rather meet someone irl if i had half a chance. Maybe I should make more effort with my appearance and learn how to flirt and give encouragement.

I like Match. POF used to be good, but in some areas there are a lot of bots which wastes a lot of time.

If you had dysfunctional relationships, sometimes people tend to seek those out because they feel most comfortable with what they know - even if it's bad. I get the impression you know all this and you said you have been working on this, good.

I dont often find myself attracted to anyone which is also frustrating.

- this is a common complaint among women on dating sites. The problem is, it takes time to get to know someone, women are like slow-cookers sometimes.

try taking classes, groups, anything where you see the same people/men regularly. It's a good way to catch a spark.

For example, you could take a class you don't want to - like golf - because you might not like golf but plenty of men will be there, because they like it, and you like men, lol.......do you follow my logic?

I think that if you date because being single—for a day, a month, a year, a lifetime—sounds awful then odds are dating is going to be pretty awful too. It's just an extraordinary amount of pressure to put on it all—to swipe, match, meet, and so on hoping that you'll find the thing that eliminates singledom. Makes anything less than perfect a catastrophe, basically.

Speaking only for myself, I generally enjoy dating—and generally find myself getting into relationships—when I'm genuinely thrilled and content being single. Hopes get raised, hopes get dashed, emotions get twisted—yeah, that's the game. But it doesn't drain the same way because, well, you're good wherever it goes. And with that attitude there's just less scrutiny about it all—less sizing people up after a few minutes, more space to get to know them, see what's what.

I second what Gary says about maybe trying a class—like, I don't know, pottery or something. Allows you to meet new people in a less pressurized place and, most importantly, broadens your own horizons and strengthens your own core, so you're not as fixated on whether someone will enter your life and make everything bright and shiny.

If you are stretched so thin, you really don't have the time to put the energy in for a relaitonship. So just keep busy with your life, and date casually without the stress of "finding the one". I think things will go a little easier if you simply take the pressure off.

I think you need to clarify for yourself what your goals are. Sex and cuddles vs potentially serious relationship- very different goals and mindset. Yup. Dating is really hard. You know I was on the front lines for many years. If you want marriage or like marriage I say stick with it. Not because you’re miserable being single. Because you want to be that close to someone.

23 years ago this month my husband and I were at the same famous theme park we are at right now with our son. Neither of us has been back in all that time.

Despite being exhausted and bickering a bit it just brings it all home again why it’s so worth it - even though back then we broke up for several years and it wasn’t right the first time around. It’s for the kitschy and cliche reasons and the deeper ones. Like our son wanting us to hold hands and be a family. Even if you don’t want kids maybe you’ll have a dog or cat or whatever. A shared long term bond and inside jokes.

It’s worth it and no our marriage is not perfect and no when we reconnected it was not perfect timing in certain ways. Consider that too - your expectations. No do not settle. Evaluating expectations has nothing to do with settling. And yes you probably do want to improve on flirting. Just like you work on improving skills at work.

I agree with blue.

If dating is causing this much strife. To be bluntly to the point, you aren’t doing it right.

Firstly, slow down. What's the big rush? You are trying way too hard here and you seem in some sort of major rush to get into relationships. This is not healthy. You're not looking at this realistically and this is causing some serious physiological problems for you. You seem almost desperate to be in a relationship. How old are you?

Spending your time on full dates with people who you could have figured out in 15 minutes were not a good match IS exhausting. Have you considered doing quick meets over coffee to screen people before dating them? That's 15 to 30 minutes over coffee after work, rules are that neither can corner the other for a real date on the spot, but either can send an invite afterward. If the answer is no, then no response is necessary. If yes, then the other responds. If anyone stands you up for a quick meet, your can just take your coffee with you--nothing lost.

Most people are NOT our match. I'd streamline this process into quick meets instead of dating people that only make you feel lousy. Allow wrong matches to pass, and only date people who inspire you.

My best friend is having the exact same problem! She's a pretty, nice girl with a good career and she's been on dates with like 40 guys in the last three years and no luck. Although it was actually her that was rejecting most of the guys.

I'm actually quite anti online dating. I think it's probably 99% a waste of time because it's very forced. I feel like the relationships that work out better are ones that just happened incidentally on their own. I think the issue here is meeting complete strangers that you know nothing about and placing a lot of hope that they'll be "the right one", so to speak. The reason why it's exhausting is because you are trying to create romance where there might be no compatibility or spark. Just my own personal opinion is that real life is where it's at.

You asked how you could enjoy dating and not find it as exhausting. I think that you should actually pursue more so your hobbies and interests and make dating secondary to that. Yes you can give yourself opportunities by putting yourself out there but maybe don't fixate on whether you actually find anyone or not. You can go to parties, Meetup groups, hobby groups, all sorts of social events. But just try to go there to firstly have a good time. You can also just make friends with new people because they might know people you could date. Or a friend could turn out to be more, you just never know.

Also when you go on dates, maybe try to do something fun at the same time. Check out a concert, art gallery, festival, etc. That way even if the date is a dud, you can still enjoy the event. Or do it the other way where you only have a coffee with someone for about an hour and if you're not enjoying it, then just cut it short.

Tiny's advice is spot on.

Use dating as a skill building opportunity. Use it to learn to let go. Not of the other person; much bigger and less concrete concept. Trust that you will get where you are going, and check if your path is taking you where you want to go.

Its enervating to throw your energy into the unknown. It is energizing to invest in yourself - emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

So many responses, thanks. I will try to respond to all succinctly.

I disagree that I am desperate or in a rush. I have been single 2 years and I am interested in getting to know someone properly. Unfortunately not met anyone I want to know further.

As far as social life and meeting men (or women, preference is for a man), I am very active and sociable and a tomboy so I already meet plenty of men doing the things that I love. I dont really get approached in these settings, and again I rarely notice any attraction. I also recently started to associate with single women, so I dont appear to be spoken for hanging around with male friends all the time.

Even when I was happily single I didnt enjoy dating, hence jumping into relationships with nob heads. I think the reason Im disliking being single is I miss sex and cuddles and want a more meaningful connection. I think if I wasnt missing those things I would be quite happily single. The fact Im not meeting anyone I have interest in is making me feel like I have no options which obviously is horrible.

I have only had one full date. The rest were coffee meets for 1hr max.

I dont feel like i have high expectations, i just want to meet a few people (or even one!) that id like to date. I think im doing a lot of things right, ive invested much time and energy so whats going wrong? Im the one doing all the rejecting btw and tbh some of the responses have made me question how genuine most of these men are.

I dont know. Its just not happening. I felt very jaded after my last relationship and relationships generally i find very anxiety inducing. Maybe I should work on that to open up a bit. I might find im attracted to people enough to want tp date them then?

Reading your last post, my best suggestion builds on your own. Stop dating. Do what makes you happy. If you want some cuddles, choose someone for that purpose (a controversial suggestion with its own chapter and verse of points to consider).

So long as you feel jaded or otherwise unavailable, you will be. And you will attract people who, like you, are unavailable.

Focus on finding something you appreciate in everyone, each of your friends, your morning coffee stop staff, the homeless person who somehow is a neighborhood fixture, the tire sales and repair shop, and the occasional date that pops up.

When you can find something to appreciate in anyone and everyone, you may also find yourself attracting people who appreciate you the way you would like to be appreciated.

We get what we give, at the most subconscious level. So, start there.

Reading your last post, my best suggestion builds on your own. Stop dating. Do what makes you happy. If you want some cuddles, choose someone for that purpose (a controversial suggestion with its own chapter and verse of points to consider).

 

So long as you feel jaded or otherwise unavailable, you will be. And you will attract people who, like you, are unavailable.

 

Focus on finding something you appreciate in everyone, each of your friends, your morning coffee stop staff, the homeless person who somehow is a neighborhood fixture, the tire sales and repair shop, and the occasional date that pops up.

 

When you can find something to appreciate in anyone and everyone, you may also find yourself attracting people who appreciate you the way you would like to be appreciated.

 

We get what we give, at the most subconscious level. So, start there.

Thanks this is very helpful. I do feel unavailable in a way due to my anxiety around dating and relationships (even the platonic kind). I feel like I am hypervigilant about red flags in an effort not to get hurt and that gets in the way of building a rapport. I am judging them in a way rather than getting to know them.

I like your suggestion to find things to appreciate about every person I encounter. That will help to look beyond how they might hurt me and see things that might develop further into friendship or more. I think when i see attractive qualities in all people i will feel like i have options too.

I can be very negative and I spend a lot of time worrying and ruminating. Ive got it in my head that any relationship i have will go terribly. I play it out every day and so long as i believe it, thats my future.

I think I will stop looking and start building new beliefs for myself and challenge my old ones (I have done this to an extent already with my best friend and our relationship has become amazing). Learn how to appreciate, compliment, flirt, show and reciprocate interest. Work hard every day to think positively and envision an amazing future for myself. I do know ecactly what i want in a partner so theres that at least. Will do the 7 day mental diet!

Reading your last post, my best suggestion builds on your own. Stop dating. Do what makes you happy. If you want some cuddles, choose someone for that purpose (a controversial suggestion with its own chapter and verse of points to consider).

 

So long as you feel jaded or otherwise unavailable, you will be. And you will attract people who, like you, are unavailable.

 

Focus on finding something you appreciate in everyone, each of your friends, your morning coffee stop staff, the homeless person who somehow is a neighborhood fixture, the tire sales and repair shop, and the occasional date that pops up.

 

When you can find something to appreciate in anyone and everyone, you may also find yourself attracting people who appreciate you the way you would like to be appreciated.

 

We get what we give, at the most subconscious level. So, start there.

What wonderful advice.

OP, I love love love your energy, self awareness, and your commitment to changing from within ... I believe those traits are among the most rewarding within myself so maybe I am just being self centered ? In truth, life is about applying what we learn, right? It would be a big snooze if we knew it all already so its kind of cool when we have challenges because they help us get unstuck so that we can leap forward.

Good on you.

When I began changing certain paradigms I found it opened a door to a truckload of ineffective thinking. The shame of imperfection, the criticism of past missteps, the wish for something I don't have, the focus on my disadvantages. It is a constant effort a habit, really - for me to reframe my thoughts. I found it helpful to replace old thoughts with new ones. By that I mean, I coached myself "How would I say this differently, more effectively: what change do I want?" It helped also to keep my goals narrow: change my thought pattern. Appreciate one thing in each person.

Each engendered many more changes. For example, as I appreciated others, I became friendlier. I then needed to think about boundaries,and I began to appreciate them in a new way. Now, I have better skills (more than zero) at being nice while standing my ground. No anger needed.

Now if rejected I may feel emotions that are difficult, but I hope I don't feel self recrimination.

Anyhow. You know all this as you experienced it with your friend. All relationships include pain as well as joy: what you are learning is to trust your ability to manage conflict and to be resilient.

Brava.

Thanks this is very helpful. I do feel unavailable in a way due to my anxiety around dating and relationships (even the platonic kind). I feel like I am hypervigilant about red flags in an effort not to get hurt and that gets in the way of building a rapport. I am judging them in a way rather than getting to know them.

 

I like your suggestion to find things to appreciate about every person I encounter. That will help to look beyond how they might hurt me and see things that might develop further into friendship or more. I think when i see attractive qualities in all people i will feel like i have options too.

 

I can be very negative and I spend a lot of time worrying and ruminating. Ive got it in my head that any relationship i have will go terribly. I play it out every day and so long as i believe it, thats my future.

 

I think I will stop looking and start building new beliefs for myself and challenge my old ones (I have done this to an extent already with my best friend and our relationship has become amazing). Learn how to appreciate, compliment, flirt, show and reciprocate interest. Work hard every day to think positively and envision an amazing future for myself. I do know ecactly what i want in a partner so theres that at least. Will do the 7 day mental diet!

There ya go, OP!

Change your thinking, change your life :)

OP, I love love love your energy, self awareness, and your commitment to changing from within ... I believe those traits are among the most rewarding within myself so maybe I am just being self centered ? In truth, life is about applying what we learn, right? It would be a big snooze if we knew it all already so its kind of cool when we have challenges because they help us get unstuck so that we can leap forward.

 

Good on you.

 

When I began changing certain paradigms I found it opened a door to a truckload of ineffective thinking. The shame of imperfection, the criticism of past missteps, the wish for something I don't have, the focus on my disadvantages. It is a constant effort a habit, really - for me to reframe my thoughts. I found it helpful to replace old thoughts with new ones. By that I mean, I coached myself "How would I say this differently, more effectively: what change do I want?" It helped also to keep my goals narrow: change my thought pattern. Appreciate one thing in each person.

 

Each engendered many more changes. For example, as I appreciated others, I became friendlier. I then needed to think about boundaries,and I began to appreciate them in a new way. Now, I have better skills (more than zero) at being nice while standing my ground. No anger needed.

 

Now if rejected I may feel emotions that are difficult, but I hope I don't feel self recrimination.

 

Anyhow. You know all this as you experienced it with your friend. All relationships include pain as well as joy: what you are learning is to trust your ability to manage conflict and to be resilient.

 

Brava.

Thanks, so much, that is lovely to hear. I believe the meaning of life is to improve and develop your character so I value those qualities too.

I think for some of us happiness does not come naturally, it is hard work, a goal to be pursued through challenging and sometimes painful growth. It is something we must learn and we get closer through a series of babysteps. Understanding boundaries, self discipline, positive thinking, mindfulness, these are necessary but often difficult tasks to navigate as an adult with decades of habitual reinforcement.

Subconsciously seeking out scenarios that confirm our beliefs is a trip hazard when you are trying to change your beliefs. A tremendous amount of faith is required to ignore the extreme mental and physical sensations (at least thats what I experience) that accompany acting against what your life experience has confirmed time and time again (relationships = pain etc) in an attempt to quash that belief. It is after all a fact, not a theory, when the evidence has proven it. But in my quest for happiness I can appreciate that this reality is only my reality, and the reality for others can be the opposite. So if the theory is only proven for myself, its myself that must change before the proof of an alternate theory to become apparent. I hope that makes sense.

I think making a list of all the positive results from my past relationships will be a good first step to reframing my views around relationships. Then I will make it my mission to seek evidence to support my new theories on the benefits of love and friendship. Build up a catalogue of evidence, seek people who value relationships and thrive on social interaction.

There ya go, OP!

Change your thinking, change your life :)

Absolutely. Changing my perspectives on things lately has left me seeing them as an exciting challenge, not an insurmountable obstacle. I need to apply that theory to relationships and seek interactions that confirm my new theories.

I can be very negative and I spend a lot of time worrying and ruminating. Ive got it in my head that any relationship i have will go terribly. I play it out every day and so long as i believe it, thats my future.

 

I think I will stop looking and start building new beliefs for myself and challenge my old ones (I have done this to an extent already with my best friend and our relationship has become amazing). Learn how to appreciate, compliment, flirt, show and reciprocate interest. Work hard every day to think positively and envision an amazing future for myself. I do know ecactly what i want in a partner so theres that at least. Will do the 7 day mental diet!

This plan makes sense, because negativity impacts your date-ability. It not only limits your ability to feel attraction, it can also render you unattractive to anyone you'd find attractive.

Optimism is a solo mental pursuit that becomes a default habit with enough practice. A coach on my job taught us that it takes 21 days for the brain to rewire when we replace an old habit. Affirmations are helpful--but those don't need to be any flowery sayings, they can just be as simple as reminding yourself "I've got this..." or "I can do this...".

The most helpful thing I've found in keeping my mental chatter in check is to power down and step out of my own way to avoid 'entertaining' others. Instead, I relaxed my ego into invisibility and went quiet. This heightened my observation powers and allowed me to become a better listener and a better friend. I began to notice unique qualities in others that I had neglected to appreciate before.

Relaxing into observer-mode removed old pressures of performance that I never realized kept me stressed and impatient. I silenced my own tap-dancer, and this liberated me from anticipating lousy outcomes and over-compensating.

Meditation for even ONE minute a day can enhance and anchor new thoughts and behaviors.

Your mind needn't go blank in meditation--that's like trying to stop your heartbeat. Instead, look up 'square breathing' and learn why it's prescribed by therapists as an anti-anxiety practice. Use your meditation time to focus on breathing in to the count of 4, holding to the count of 4, breathing out to the count of 4, holding to the count of 4. Practice slowing this down by counting slower over time. This exercise becomes one you can use for calming at any time, anywhere, except for when driving.

Head high, you're making a choice to become a good partner in order to recognize one. That's foundational stuff, and you will thank yourself later.

I will be finished with my studies for a while in a few months so will have some time for dating. What can I do to enjoy it? Honestly it just feels like an absolute chore. I thought online dating would give me lots of options so I could find someone worthwhile but its just made me realise that actually I have none, unless I want to date men who dont appear to have much to offer.

Learn to be happy being single.

What do you have to offer? People with lots to offer will attract people with lots to offer. You're in competition with everyone else online. There are men with lots to offer, they're just getting scooped up quickly.

Your choices are be happy being single, or improve your game to increase better catches.

A tremendous amount of faith is required to ignore the extreme mental and physical sensations (at least thats what I experience) that accompany acting against what your life experience has confirmed time and time again (relationships = pain etc) in an attempt to quash that belief. It is after all a fact, not a theory, when the evidence has proven it. But in my quest for happiness I can appreciate that this reality is only my reality, and the reality for others can be the opposite. So if the theory is only proven for myself, its myself that must change before the proof of an alternate theory to become apparent. I hope that makes sense.

If your interpretation of your life is that it has proven certainty of negative outcomes, then it may help to consider ways to re-interpret that history. Not to dismiss the hardships, not at all. Rather, to see how your choices contributed to the outcomes, which proves to you that the disappointing outcomes can and will change as your choices change.

It also may help to see the hardships as gifts. Without them, would you have learned as much as you have? I decided that my dating outcomes became deeply painful, only because I needed the pain to be bad enough that facing my own fears/pain was the better option.

I didn't even know I had the issues I found. Knowing I needed to change my relationship behavior so that I wouldn't feel so much pain from dating, that is what forced me to find my internal issues and change them. Been happier ever since, and with a new kind of basic self-respect and stability. As a result, the pain that I felt and the anger, sadness, etc in relation to the gent that inspired my pain -- that became gratitude. I needed the pain, I put myself in the way of it, perhaps as a self-conscious way to force myself to address the issues within myself.

My relationship history wasn't proving that I would be hurt over and over. My relationship history was my own attempt at helping myself. It was one of my life changing gifts.

Similarly, maybe the pain in your life history is your greatest gift, the force that propels you to a new place.