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Thread: Dating was hell but I donít want to be single

  1. #1
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    Dating was hell but I donít want to be single

    So I have been single for 2 years and never really dated before, I was never that interested in a relationship until recently. I would meet someone and it would become a relationship. Thats never worked well so I realised I need to date and get to know someone before making a commitment. Problem is I loathe it! Iíve been trying to find someone irl and online (because I suck at flirting irl) seriously for around 6-9 months. Overall its been a year since I started looking on and off. I have had around 15-20 first dates. One guy I had 2 dates with but that didnt feel right.

    I have put so much energy into it, it felt like a part time job. I would often cry because it was so exhausting and I was getting nowhere. Many times I had a breakdown because I felt like I was being stretched so thin, between work, studies, making friends, exercise and dating. I was totally overehelmed and wanted to be able to focus more on dating. After I told the last guy I didnt think it would go anywhere I cried more than when I was dumped by my ex. I just feel like Iíve put so much into dating and getting nowhere.

    I am not being fussy but I havenít even met anyone I would like a fling with, let alone a committed relationship. I came off dating sites a fortnight ago because it was making me miserable and I was emotionally drained. I feel better overall and my studies have improved. Now what? I feel like Iíve given up on dating for the sake of my emotional state but I feel so sad at the prospect of being single for the forseeable future. Even sex and cuddles would be enjoyable if I cant find someone to date seriously for a while but its just not happening.

    I will be finished with my studies for a while in a few months so will have some time for dating. What can I do to enjoy it? Honestly it just feels like an absolute chore. I thought online dating would give me lots of options so I could find someone worthwhile but its just made me realise that actually I have none, unless I want to date men who dont appear to have much to offer.

  2. #2
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Dating is the endless search for a needle in a haystack.

    But there is good news - you only need to find one good one!

    Also, if you have had trouble picking good matches in the past - besides just taking it slow - it sounds like that is what you are doing - look into what's called circular or multi dating (this may be what you are doing?)

    What happened with the other failed relationships? How old are you?

  3. #3
    Silver Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    You might want to up your game a bit and try a better dating site like eharmony. I know they charge for it, but it lets you narrow down to some specifics of what you're looking for. If you don't mind spending the money, I think you might have better luck there.

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    Im 32, the intention was to multi-date but I never liked any enough to get to the second date apart from the last one so had no opportunity to multi-date. I wouldnt have time to multi-date with my studies anyway. I lost all interest in anyone else with the last one because I saw potential ambition wise but I didnít see it going anywhere so I told him as much.

    My previous relationships were mostly abusive or dysfunctional. I took time out to work on myself since Iím the common denominator, in the hopes of attracting better men. I feel like things are much better in that respect I can very quickly recognise people who are no good for me and place boundaries to keep them away from me but there are no good men coming into my life in their place. Maybe Iím in a limbo between good and bad partners and need to do further work to attract some lovely men my way after figuring out how to ward off the bad ones?

    I feel like Iíve got a lot to offer. Not sure where Iím going wrong. I dont often find myself attracted to anyone which is also frustrating.

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  6. #5
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    I think paying to do something Iím not enjoying would make me feel worse lol. You can screen on POF anyway but I imagine theres less timewasters on paid for sites.

    I was told by my friend eharmony was a waste of her money as few local men on there and all too old (shes already quite older than me). My friends mum had success on there but again a lot older. Iíd try it if I got desperate. I would much rather meet someone irl if i had half a chance. Maybe I should make more effort with my appearance and learn how to flirt and give encouragement.

  7. #6
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    I like Match. POF used to be good, but in some areas there are a lot of bots which wastes a lot of time.

    If you had dysfunctional relationships, sometimes people tend to seek those out because they feel most comfortable with what they know - even if it's bad. I get the impression you know all this and you said you have been working on this, good.

    I dont often find myself attracted to anyone which is also frustrating.
    - this is a common complaint among women on dating sites. The problem is, it takes time to get to know someone, women are like slow-cookers sometimes.

    try taking classes, groups, anything where you see the same people/men regularly. It's a good way to catch a spark.

    For example, you could take a class you don't want to - like golf - because you might not like golf but plenty of men will be there, because they like it, and you like men, lol.......do you follow my logic?

  8. #7
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I think that if you date because being singleófor a day, a month, a year, a lifetimeósounds awful then odds are dating is going to be pretty awful too. It's just an extraordinary amount of pressure to put on it allóto swipe, match, meet, and so on hoping that you'll find the thing that eliminates singledom. Makes anything less than perfect a catastrophe, basically.

    Speaking only for myself, I generally enjoy datingóand generally find myself getting into relationshipsówhen I'm genuinely thrilled and content being single. Hopes get raised, hopes get dashed, emotions get twistedóyeah, that's the game. But it doesn't drain the same way because, well, you're good wherever it goes. And with that attitude there's just less scrutiny about it allóless sizing people up after a few minutes, more space to get to know them, see what's what.

    I second what Gary says about maybe trying a classólike, I don't know, pottery or something. Allows you to meet new people in a less pressurized place and, most importantly, broadens your own horizons and strengthens your own core, so you're not as fixated on whether someone will enter your life and make everything bright and shiny.

  9. #8
    Gold Member smackie9's Avatar
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    If you are stretched so thin, you really don't have the time to put the energy in for a relaitonship. So just keep busy with your life, and date casually without the stress of "finding the one". I think things will go a little easier if you simply take the pressure off.

  10. #9
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    I think you need to clarify for yourself what your goals are. Sex and cuddles vs potentially serious relationship- very different goals and mindset. Yup. Dating is really hard. You know I was on the front lines for many years. If you want marriage or like marriage I say stick with it. Not because youíre miserable being single. Because you want to be that close to someone.
    23 years ago this month my husband and I were at the same famous theme park we are at right now with our son. Neither of us has been back in all that time.
    Despite being exhausted and bickering a bit it just brings it all home again why itís so worth it - even though back then we broke up for several years and it wasnít right the first time around. Itís for the kitschy and cliche reasons and the deeper ones. Like our son wanting us to hold hands and be a family. Even if you donít want kids maybe youíll have a dog or cat or whatever. A shared long term bond and inside jokes.

    Itís worth it and no our marriage is not perfect and no when we reconnected it was not perfect timing in certain ways. Consider that too - your expectations. No do not settle. Evaluating expectations has nothing to do with settling. And yes you probably do want to improve on flirting. Just like you work on improving skills at work.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    I agree with blue.

    If dating is causing this much strife. To be bluntly to the point, you arenít doing it right.

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