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Thread: Advice about snooping and finding more than I bargained for

  1. #21
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    thanks itsallgrand - he is 100% responsible for his own actions but all of this did start when he started hanging with this crowd. Your personal experience is helpful and I appreciate your advice tremendously.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Gary Snyder
    - It's tough love. It sounds controversial on the surface. It's what some people who are naturally great at relationships have done in the past to save their relationships (either that, or leaving the person for a period of time). Think about it - if your relationship was on the rocks and you partner is mistreating you, don't you tend to naturally withdraw and give them the cold shoulder? When your relationship is near the breaking point, why not try to save it, if there is still some love left? - sometimes, trust and love can be rebuilt.

    That said, I do recommend talking and counseling first - but by the time people start a thread on this board, often, they have already exhausted all other avenues - so tough love is the final tool left in the relationship fixing tool box.

    Additionally, some of these people have kids - and I hate to see more broken homes and bastard children.
    I understand. When it comes to drug dealers or chronic cheaters, I think that divorce is better for the children (talking from experience here). In this case I don't know if there's much to salvage and being with this man can put the OP in actual danger.

  3. #23
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    He is also mocking what you donít know to his buddies. It is time to go .

    Get a lawyer. Take pics of all evidence. Donít confront.

  4. #24
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Annia
    I understand. When it comes to drug dealers or chronic cheaters, I think that divorce is better for the children (talking from experience here). In this case I don't know if there's much to salvage and being with this man can put the OP in actual danger.
    - agreed. And I will tell you that I have no sympathy for wife beaters (This guy is not that, at least not yet).

    But I don't believe in telling people to divorce or break up. I see people everyday on relationship forums screaming, "Dump him or her!" I don't think that's well thought out advice, especially when the person starting the thread knows their situation best.

    I just try to give people the facts. I like to give people the option to make their own decisions - and live their own lives.

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  6. #25
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    But doing coke and roids really increases the chance will become a wife beater if confronted.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    This is really serious.

    Drug use, strippers, possible cheating, etc. It's not small stuff and I think you are right, it can't be fixed.

    Pleas be careful how you go about this. You say on the surface he is a good husband, etc, but that isn't the truth, he has been living a double lifestyle and it sounds like something you really need to be careful with.

    I think personally I would go stay with my parents for the time being, figure out with your Dad what you will do about the house and in the meantime let your husband know that you are moving forward with a divorce and that he will need to find somewhere else to live.
    I agree with this, infact the excuses ( heís a good man) while are understandable after 10 years of marriage, really attempt to minimize just how very serious all this is.

    This is dangerous, get out!

  8. #27
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    OP, I touched on this earlier on a different thread but I experienced the same exact thing, with an ex, minus the snooping.

    I did not have to snoop, I have a very strong intution, and just knew. Just like I suspect a huge part of you knew too, which is precisely why you snooped in the first place.

    I did confront him with my suspicions, not with accusations, not aggressively, but respectfully and calmly. My goal was the truth and understanding.

    He was very open, honest and responsive when I confronted in that way and told me everything. He denied cheating, but heck there was so much toxicity from everything else (meth, cocaine, the lying, overall deception) that my suspicions about cheating seemed almost minor in comparison.

    Par for the course if you will due to his severe drug and alcohol abuse/addiction (including I suspected a sex addiction) and the overall dysfunction of our relationship at that point.

    I did leave, temporarily. I left him a note and stayed with a friend for a few days. Told him I was not coming back unless and until he went into rehab.

    He got the note, came for me and promised rehab.

    So I went back only to have him start using again, this time worse!

    So I left for good!! We were living together (engaged to be married actually) but I got my own place, and moved out.

    Never went back.

    Worthy of note, it was after I left that he finally went into rehab for six months.

    Got clean and wanted to get back together but it was too late for me, trust was lost, forever

    My advice is to NOT tell him you snooped for reasons others posted, in his state of mind he may get aggressive and it's not safe.

    Instead, calmly, in a non-accusatory way, talk with him about the changes you have noticed in his behaviour, the decline of your relationship, etc -- give him an opportunity to be honest and open with you re what's happening without your admitting that you invaded his privacy by snooping.

    Cause I can almost guarantee him knowing that you snooped will not go down well and there is every chance he may flip it back on you for snooping versus confronting his own, very serious issues, that are destroying your RL.

    If he is open to rehab, and sticks with it, you may have a chance.

    If not. Leave. And never look back.

    I'm so sorry and I wish you the best of luck.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 03-31-2019 at 03:36 PM.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    OP, I touched on this earlier on a different thread but I experienced the same exact thing, with an ex, minus the snooping.

    I did not have to snoop, I have a very strong intution, and just knew. Just like I suspect a huge part of you knew too, which is precisely why you snooped in the first place.

    I did confront him with my suspicions, not with accusations, not aggressively, but respectfully and calmly. My goal was the truth and understanding.

    He was very open, honest and responsive when I confronted in that way and told me everything. He denied cheating, but heck there was so much toxicity from everything else (meth, cocaine, the lying, overall deception) that my suspicions about cheating seemed almost minor in comparison.

    Par for the course if you will due to his severe drug and alcohol abuse/addiction (including I suspected a sex addiction) and the overall dysfunction of our relationship at that point.

    I did leave, temporarily. I left him a note and stayed with a friend for a few days. Told him I was not coming back unless and until he went into rehab.

    He got the note, came for me and promised rehab.

    So I went back only to have him start using again, this time worse!

    So I left for good!! We were living together (engaged to be married actually) but I got my own place, and moved out.

    Never went back.

    Worthy of note, it was after I left that he finally went into rehab for six months.

    Got clean and wanted to get back together but it was too late for me, trust was lost, forever

    My advice is to NOT tell him you snooped for reasons others posted, in his state of mind he may get aggressive and it's not safe.

    Instead, calmly, in a non-accusatory way, talk with him about the changes you have noticed in his behaviour, the decline of your relationship, etc -- give him an opportunity to be honest and open with you re what's happening without your admitting that you invaded his privacy by snooping.

    Cause I can almost guarantee him knowing that you snooped will not go down well and there is every chance he may flip it back on you for snooping versus confronting his own, very serious issues, that are destroying your RL.

    If he is open to rehab, and sticks with it, you may have a chance.

    If not. Leave. And never look back.

    I'm so sorry and I wish you the best of luck.

    Wow thank you so much for sharing. It gives me hope that in your story he actually seemed to listen and didn't get mad. You are correct that I had some suspicions about the other stuff if I am being honest with myself and that is how I justified the snooping in that particular moment most likely. I am considering the friend or family option for a temporary place to stay but I am so private I get anxiety thinking of anyone knowing what is going on. (I see the irony of posting on a public forum online). Thanks again for your thoughts and advice. I am considering your idea of bringing it up and leaving out the snooping but I fear he will pressure me / deny so much that I may have no choice but to admit that only to get him to actually face what I am saying.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    He is also mocking what you donít know to his buddies. It is time to go .

    Get a lawyer. Take pics of all evidence. Donít confront.
    Thanks for the advice. I have started searching lawyers and I actually did take phone screen shots because I know that without the evidence he would have denied until somehow I believed that I didn't see what I thought I saw. Also helps to look at it again when I find myself thinking I can just pretend I didn't see it and live in denial. Having the evidence gives me some strength back to do take control of my life - once I get the courage and figure out a plan. Thanks again.

  11. #30
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    OP, I touched on this earlier on a different thread but I experienced the same exact thing, with an ex, minus the snooping.

    I did not have to snoop, I have a very strong intution, and just knew. Just like I suspect a huge part of you knew too, which is precisely why you snooped in the first place.

    I did confront him with my suspicions, not with accusations, not aggressively, but respectfully and calmly. My goal was the truth and understanding.

    He was very open, honest and responsive when I confronted in that way and told me everything. He denied cheating, but heck there was so much toxicity from everything else (meth, cocaine, the lying, overall deception) that my suspicions about cheating seemed almost minor in comparison.

    Par for the course if you will due to his severe drug and alcohol abuse/addiction (including I suspected a sex addiction) and the overall dysfunction of our relationship at that point.

    I did leave, temporarily. I left him a note and stayed with a friend for a few days. Told him I was not coming back unless and until he went into rehab.

    He got the note, came for me and promised rehab.

    So I went back only to have him start using again, this time worse!

    So I left for good!! We were living together (engaged to be married actually) but I got my own place, and moved out.

    Never went back.

    Worthy of note, it was after I left that he finally went into rehab for six months.

    Got clean and wanted to get back together but it was too late for me, trust was lost, forever

    My advice is to NOT tell him you snooped for reasons others posted, in his state of mind he may get aggressive and it's not safe.

    Instead, calmly, in a non-accusatory way, talk with him about the changes you have noticed in his behaviour, the decline of your relationship, etc -- give him an opportunity to be honest and open with you re what's happening without your admitting that you invaded his privacy by snooping.

    Cause I can almost guarantee him knowing that you snooped will not go down well and there is every chance he may flip it back on you for snooping versus confronting his own, very serious issues, that are destroying your RL.

    If he is open to rehab, and sticks with it, you may have a chance.

    If not. Leave. And never look back.

    I'm so sorry and I wish you the best of luck.
    - good story. Yes, sometimes it works out like this and you have no choice but to breakup/divorce. You did all you could.

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