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Thread: Advice about snooping and finding more than I bargained for

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    Personally, I wouldn’t confront him with drug use he may be dangerous. I would pack up and leave . Between drug use and strippers and god knows what else it is over.

    Keep up with your therapist and enlist on your family to get you out . Make a get out plan with your therapist. Tell them everything and getting out is your immediate goal.
    I would be very concerned about your safety. You must tell your family. Immediately. I hope you printed out all of that info for future use.

    Seek a therapist and a lawyer. Good luck!

  2. #12
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    In my limited experience, of having seen a friend of mine from childhood get into the steroids and cocaine ( he was professionally bodybuilding at that time and slipped into the drug crowd).... I'd be very cautious of confronting anyone who is suspected or known to be into these drugs.
    My friend would flip like a switch. Rage, violent, bursts of energy. His mental health was a wreck. He was paranoid, defensive, all over the place emotionally.
    As you probably know, there can be serious aggression.
    Other high risk behaviors are usually close at hand. For you, you need to think about the unprotected sex he may have had. With my friend, before I understood and distanced from him, I did see him suddenly hanging out with strippers when he didn't before. He also was dealing drugs illegally. That's common, as part of a way to pay for all the drugs.

    So all this say, I don't think it's as simple as talk to him. And I'd be worried he may snap and even assault you if he hears you were snooping, or were thinking of leaving him.
    He may be a sweet person without the drugs, but a person who is a drug addict is totally different. Like they say, you aren't talking to him but the drugs. Everything, everything, is about keeping that going. That's why they lie as often as they breathe.

    I'm so sorry you are going through this. I would start with telling your therapist, as this is a huge part of what's going on for you.
    And keep talking here. Lots of people who care.

  3. #13
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    Thanks AlexanderK. I did consider this option and seeing where the conversation goes. Only bringing up what I found if he starts doing the thing I'm used to ...which is making me feel crazy for having these issues and concerns. I appreciate your taking the time to offer your well thought out advice.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member LC8328's Avatar
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    Ahhh. I didn't know that about steroids (rage,etc). That certainly changes things.

    Please be careful, OP.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Gary Snyder
    Your relationship is not necessarily a lie, he may have some more recent issues. It sounds like you have been married a long time and have a good foundation. You obviously have some issues to address, however - his drug use, his control freak attitude.

    It's unclear to me that he is cheating? It sounds like his friend was talking about hooking up with a girl, not him? It just sounds like locker room talk to me. Maybe you can rephrase that.

    You can talk about it or go to counseling if you wan to fix it - if he'll go.

    If that does not work you could try tough love. Cut off sex and when he asks, What's wrong?", then he'll be ready to really listen to you and change.
    You seem to give this "hold off sex as a bargain currency to solve issues in the relationship" advice many times. Does this really work? I don't think this is healthy.

    Now, there is no evidence of cheating, but there is evidence of lies and deceit and issues that could put you in danger without you knowing or terribly affect your financial life as a couple: drug and steroid businesses that could lead to him going to jail or drug dealers targeting him or you if businesses go wrong, debt and god knows what else. This to me is as bad as cheating. He's living a double life without concern for your safety and well being. Thanks god you don't have children or their lives would also be in danger.

    I believe that if you snoop (regardless if it was wrong to snoop) and you find evidence, you owe it to yourself to make informed decisions with what you've found out.

    I would be careful if confronting him directly because steroid users and drug users can become very aggressive. But I'd do a STD scan, check all accounts you have together and maybe even contact an attorney to see your options (he doesn't need to know about this at first). I don't recommend though "forgetting about this" and keep acting as nothing is happening because this discovery is something dangerous and damaging.

    If you want to work through this with him of course, communication and couples counselling is a must. If you don't, then you need to start planning your exit. There's no way in keeping a marriage with a steroid and drug dealer who has a double life behind your back and is putting you in danger and possibly spending your money in illegal businesses. So for this marriage to continue, he'd have to stop all these shady businesses and stop lying. If this has been happening for so many years then it might be difficult for him to stop lying and dealing with drugs. You need to think well what you want to do.

  7. #16
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    I would start with telling your therapist, as this is a huge part of what's going on for you.
    - Because he's a control freak and on drugs, this is where I would start - by asking a counselor. They can give you great guidance on the right steps to take, and in the right order.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LC8328
    Ahhh. I didn't know that about steroids (rage,etc). That certainly changes things.

    Please be careful, OP.
    I'm concerned about it too. People who use steroids (and cocaine) have a tendency to become aggressive and act on their rage. Plus, he's dealing drugs which is a dangerous business. Which is why it's important that the OP thinks about her safety first and if she decides to leave him, to have a good exit plan (which in her case since she's the main breadwinner might be easier because she has money and is not financially dependent on him, but still, it has to be well planned).

  9. #18
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    This is really serious.

    Drug use, strippers, possible cheating, etc. It's not small stuff and I think you are right, it can't be fixed.

    Pleas be careful how you go about this. You say on the surface he is a good husband, etc, but that isn't the truth, he has been living a double lifestyle and it sounds like something you really need to be careful with.

    I think personally I would go stay with my parents for the time being, figure out with your Dad what you will do about the house and in the meantime let your husband know that you are moving forward with a divorce and that he will need to find somewhere else to live.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    This is really serious.

    Drug use, strippers, possible cheating, etc. It's not small stuff and I think you are right, it can't be fixed.

    Pleas be careful how you go about this. You say on the surface he is a good husband, etc, but that isn't the truth, he has been living a double lifestyle and it sounds like something you really need to be careful with.

    I think personally I would go stay with my parents for the time being, figure out with your Dad what you will do about the house and in the meantime let your husband know that you are moving forward with a divorce and that he will need to find somewhere else to live.
    Yes, at this point family support is important. I wouldn't suggest big confrontations alone as it could be dangerous for you. We don't know what a man dealing drugs and other shady business and taking steroids is capable of doing. Also, his friends are on it, so he has that network. It's important that you find friends who aren't involved with in him any shape or form or family that can help you and give you support while going through this.

  11. #20
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Annia
    You seem to give this "hold off sex as a bargain currency to solve issues in the relationship" advice many times. Does this really work? I don't think this is healthy.
    - It's tough love. It sounds controversial on the surface. It's what some people who are naturally great at relationships have done in the past to save their relationships (either that, or leaving the person for a period of time). Think about it - if your relationship was on the rocks and you partner is mistreating you, don't you tend to naturally withdraw and give them the cold shoulder? When your relationship is near the breaking point, why not try to save it, if there is still some love left? - sometimes, trust and love can be rebuilt.

    That said, I do recommend talking and counseling first - but by the time people start a thread on this board, often, they have already exhausted all other avenues - so tough love is the final tool left in the relationship fixing tool box.

    Additionally, some of these people have kids - and I hate to see more broken homes and bastard children.

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