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Thread: Leave my past in my past?

  1. #1

    Leave my past in my past?

    Like every human in the world we mess up and we rise again. Or we donít. I have been married for a year and a half now and problems from the beginning of our relationship are boiling to the surface again. My whole relationship career has been nothing but abusive relationships until I met my husband. He was supporting me in every way and we actually grew together as adults. Everything was on the table since day one. About 5 months into our new relationship (not married at this point) I lied about where I was an who I was with. Nothing happened along the lines of cheating but eventually the lie came to the surface and after lots of fights and feeling guilty we took a deep breath and worked through it together, whatever it took. Now married this issue has come up again, not that I told another lie but about what happened in the past. Then he started beinging up my previous abusive relationships that I donít want to revisit and Iíve asked him to not talk about. That they are my past, and that is where I would like to leave them.

    But he just wonít let it go. Which upsets me because it isnít his past it is mine and he has no right to judge me for the things I did years before he and I even met. Now he is telling me Iím a liar about my past and that Iím lying to his face again. Iím not. I have no reason to lie about my past to him and I just donít want to. I know what pain I caused with the one and only lie I told him and I never want to feel that way again.

    Instead he screamed at me that Iím a lying . That I obviously was a cheater too in all my other relationships so I must be now too. That Iím talking to someone behind his back. That because I donít want to have sex (due to diagnosed depression) that Iím giving it to someone else. Iím not a ďgoing outĒ person. I work, I go to an all womenís gym with my mother twice a week, and home. Occasionally the grocery store. That is how I live my life and honestly Iím okay with it.

    Here is the thought in my head. In my previous relationships they all got like this when they were the ones cheating and lying and I found out one way or another. Now my husband doesnít go out much each, and if he does Iím with him. But the best example I have is his social media, he has a lot of girls on there who openly ask him out, or send him private messages with pictures. Even one girl he went out with at least 4 years ago still calls him and texts him daily. I have told him how that bothers me and he has done very little to change it.

    I try to communicate my feelings with him but it always turns into a fight recently. I donít know if Iím reading this wrong, because my heart trusts him but my head is saying that youíve seen this before.

    Iím also really bothered by the fact that he brings up my past and uses it as a weapon against me.

    Iím not sure what to do anymore. I just want to bury my past and let it die, but I canít because he keeps bringing it up. Because he ďknows what he saw with his own eyes.Ē And ďall girls do it.Ē

    He trusted me enough to marry me...what might have changed?

  2. #2
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    Sound likes you chose another abusive, insecure guy.

    He did not trust you when he married you, as this is not about you. He found someone who he could pick on and punish. He is a bully! You cannot win with him, this is about his own insecurities. if it wasn't you, it would be someone else.

    I did;t read everything. This dude is cheating on you. That is why he is behaving this way. His behavior with these other women is highly inappropriate.

    You need to seek an attorney. I also suggest some therapy to understand why you are attracted to bad men. You have a terrible picker. Deal with your low self esteem. This is terrible for your mental health.

    I see that others advised you to leaved him in your last thread.

  3. #3
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    "This morning while we are eating breakfast he almost demands that I go and lay in bed so we can have sex. I did my best to go along with it because maybe he is right, we are just stressed. Well when he came to the bed he started going on a tangent about how it doesnít matter. Fast forward, I went and sat in the shower for around two hours just crying. When I came out he said more hurtful things and I started screaming. I told him I was feeling like a piece of meat, and I feel like if we donít have sex then it just causes problems. Then he started in about my past and I screamed that I keep asking him to not brin it up because it is in my past not his. But he just talked over me.

    Then he said ďf*** this, youíre crazy and Iím doneĒ


    Why are you still with him? Do your friends and family know that he is forcing you for sex? Is this still going on?
    Last edited by Hollyj; 03-30-2019 at 09:54 PM.

  4. #4
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It's not adding up.
    He's either very stupid or every emotionally abusive. Perhaps they go hand in hand. Or your account of events is not the entire truth.

    Going by your scenario, OP, I'd suggest you take a time out from the marriage and use what time you have on your own to think through things logically. I can imagine things becoming hostile and escalated in arguments when you're both around each other. You should never have married a man who has girls messaging him on the side daily. This was a stupid move on your part or very blind. Those issues should have been resolved before the relationship continued. It is inappropriate. Recognize that just as his indiscretions are his fault, so are yours.

    Second, his temper and accusations: Regardless of what he has done or what girls around him are continuing to do or what you have done in your past, it is NO reason for him to constantly accuse you. If you aren't triggering anything or doing anything wrong, he is absolutely out of line and hostile. That behaviour has to stop. If you need a breather, stay at a friend's or rent a room at a nearby hotel or stay with a family member. Stay in another bedroom of the house if you can. Neither of you should be screaming. He should be aware that his hostility is not tolerated and you won't be around for that.

    When you gain your bearings and clear your thoughts, figure out clearly whether this is a person you see yourself reconciling with or communicating properly with. I think your issues are in communication or lack thereof and inappropriate communication with third parties. Clear it all up or walk out and separate. Never allow situations like this to get as out of control again.

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  6. #5
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    What's going on is "greenstamping." He revisits past indiscretions, annoyances, resolved issues, and even things that didn't directly involve him, and "cashes them in." He saves everything for later. This is also a form of gaslighting, or for those who have read Lundy Bancroft's book, water torture. The bottom line is, nothing you do will ever work...ever. The rules constantly change.

    You can comply to A and then he wants B. You comply to B and then he wants C...gets mad at you for A and B and brings up something from 1926, and holds it against you, and then he then wants A again, and when you comply to A, he wants B and gets mad at you for C, and some questionable purchase from 1972. <--is that super confusing? That is your life....get out. This is what I married...and divorced...with two children in tow and after he started beating me when I started standing up for myself.

    Time to move on, get out now. This won't get better.

    He made the choice to stay on with you after your illicit little tryst, and you have adequately apologized and have not repeated it. We can understand that this sort of thing will forever leave a dent in the armor, a tiny split in the fabric, and you do have to cater to that, but it should not be a continued, festering wound if he made the choice to make things work with you. Greenstamping is vile. He should also not be using your past history, family, teenage supidity or other past issues against you.

  7. #6
    Silver Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    wait - you don't want to have sex? That's a serious problem. Most partners in love need sex and affection - he literally needs it to stay in love with you - that's why the fights are really happening - he's sexually frustrated, and his love level for you is dropping - that's when they get moody and pick fights.

    I'm surprised the guy stayed this long. I'm sorry about your issue but this is the way it is.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sadly this is still happening. It's basically emotional/verbal abuse, manipulation, bullying and blackmailing. Stop talking to him about your problems. You need to go to a therapist privately and confidentially not just to treat your depression but to reevaluate your abusive relationship and plan ways to get out.

    He does not "really love you". He abuses you. Stop talking to him. Make an appt today with a doctor and a therapist. Read up on "Abusive Relationships" and "Cycle of Violence" Google it right now.
    Originally Posted by sarinei16
    07-26-2018:

    -We have had several arguments about it and when things get heated he resorts to bringing up things from my past and says things he knows bothers me.
    -he said ďwe are both stressed and sex will fix itĒ.
    -he said more hurtful things and I started screaming.
    -he started in about my past
    -Then he said ďf*** this, youíre crazy and Iím doneĒ

    He got all of his stuff and left.

    I know he really does love me, Even when he said he was done, I know he loved me.


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