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Thread: Should I end it

  1. #1

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    Should I end it

    I've been married for 5 months with a man I've been in a relationship with for less than 2 years. We jumped into being engaged really fast, after 10 months, because it felt right. As we started living together (3 months before getting married) things starting going down hill. I questioned if he was the one for me but decided it was probably just cold feet. We were fighting a lot mostly about him not having any hobbies or interests and me feeling like I need someone who was more romantic, got more excited about things, and had a life of his own. I'm very high energy and like to constantly learn and grow, where as he is content in staying exactly the same and not doing very much. the reasons I fell in love 1) he was a really nice guy that I was attracted to, very responsible, and made me laugh 2) my family loved him which was rare in my dating life. 3) I was in a more depressive state and didn't mind holding back on my hobbies and hanging out with friends. We only have sex once a month, which is very unlike me since other relationships I've been in we were sleeping together at least once a day. We are seeing a couple's therapist which I thought would make things better but I think as I'm healing my own wounds I'm feeling more disconnected. We have talked about the fact that he is depressed but he doesn't seem to want to take action to make positive changes.I also suffer from depression but I actively work on myself every day and feel that Im in a really great place and want to share my life with someone who wants to live their life to the fullest. I want to leave him but I feel like I'm being selfish, especially since we just got married. I'm also only 28 and still so young. Should I keep pushing? I just feel like the relationship moved too fast and it's not worth salvaging if I'm already this unhappy.

  2. #2
    Silver Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    You're right that the relationship moved too fast, but since you've both made a commitment, why not try to work it out?

    Has he gotten any help for his depression? I'm thinking that this is something you should consider getting under control and maybe the rest of it will improve.

  3. #3

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    I agree on sticking out, and I definitely want to try but I feel like I've lost interest more than ever before.
    We have another couples therapy session next week so I'm hoping he address his depression there, and if not maybe I should try to shift the conversation that way?

  4. #4
    Silver Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    If he's depressed, he needs to see a medical doctor and not a marriage counselor. I think you've lost interest because perhaps the depression has changed his personality. Try to tough it out and get him the help he needs.

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  6. #5

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    That makes sense, thanks Sarah. I'll talk to him about seeking help.

  7. #6
    Bronze Member Afireblue's Avatar
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    You can't just bail at the first sign of trouble. I agree with the others here. He needs treatment for his depression, but I would continue with the couple's therapy.

    It would also he beneficial to do counselling on your own

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Part of the problem is you trying to "push" and fix and change him. Stop. Stop nagging. Stop feeling like he has to entertain you. Focus solely on you and let him deal with his inertia/depression as he sees fit. The worst dynamics you can enter in a marriage are parent/child/, therapist/patient or police/criminal.

    That is as unromantic as it gets and you are driving it yet stating you need someone who is romantic? No, marriage is not a romcom movie. And it's not his job to create that fantasy for you, while you passively nag about how He needs to change, how He needs to do this and that and so on. Why don't you create some romance?

    Getting married after 2 years of dating/engagement is not jumping in too quickly. You simply were unprepared and unrealistic about things and perhaps skipped premarital counseling to address differences and issues.

    Instead why don't you make plans with and without him?. See your friends and family more, take some classes, courses, do overtime. Broaden your own interests more and pursue them more and let him do what he wants. Burn up your own energy your own way. Also plan things for both of you that are fun romantic and Both of you enjoy. If all of that fails it sounds like you have reached complacency and the doldrums. Why haven't you planned a weekend getaway or vacation or picnic or night out or cozy dinner at home?
    Originally Posted by Girlinda
    I've been married for 5 months

    I need someone who was more romantic, got more excited about things, and had a life of his own.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I'm not a believer in compounding a mistake with a longer mistake. You planned to marry before learning that it was a mistake, you learned of the mistake just prior to marriage but felt pressured to go through with the wedding. Now that you're clear about the mistake, why set yourself up to feel pressured by anyone else to live in misery any longer?

    There are no judges and juries, so you don't need to build a 'case'. Nobody else is living our lives FOR us, so nobody else gets a vote. When you're in hell, don't stop. Move forward to conduct your life as you wish, and you will thank yourself later.

  10. #9
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Well, you are both suffering from depression. Plus, you only have sex once a month, that's a problem too.

    I'm glad to hear you are coming out of it, that's one good thing.

    He needs to go to counseling too.


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