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Thread: Overly attached Girlfriend, threat's make me stay. How to end it peacefully?

  1. #1

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    Overly attached Girlfriend, threat's make me stay. How to end it peacefully?

    (Sorry I had to keep it this long)
    We are in the fourth year of our relationship. Started in College 2nd year.

    She is a smart lady and I like her a lot. I still do admire many of her qualities,
    but it's just that we are incompatible of several other reasons such as our manners,
    brought up and personalities are incompatible.
    My parents, social circles didn't approve too.
    I just ignored them and the difference of religion, the social status of families and so on.

    I am from a patriarchal society in south India.
    My family is a protestant Christian family, I was brought up with Christian values and traditions.
    Her's was a Hindu, brought up in a rural, typically conservative patriarchal family.

    At the end of the first year, of our relationship, I broke up.
    She threatened with attempt suicide, sent me the picture of the poison.
    I convinced her not to and that we can be together again.
    I took her to a psychology counselor, she didn't budge, not a single word spoken.
    The counselor advised to break it up with parents intervention. I didn't listen then.
    We survived another three more years of distant relationship, metting two days every month.

    Seven months ago she got a job in my office, we moved into an apartment to live together.
    I could barely stand her after one month. It was horrible, we fought every single day.

    I made some vague reasons and moved out two months ago.

    Before a month, I told I am gonna marry my mom's chosen girl in future
    and that I would like to comply with her as she is wise.
    I repeated this again thrice in two weeks.

    We had a small fight four days ago. I didn't talk argue and left the place.
    She got furious and in what's app chat,
    she said, I am mama's boy and she told: "go f*** your mother".
    She even told it over the phone adding my mother might have done some sexual assault to me in childhood.

    I was petrified and I blocked her. Next day she threatened with rape charges,
    She threatened to call my mother and say that we had sex before marriage.
    (not allowed in our religion and culture)We had sex with consent.
    But she said she would call it to rape if I leave her.
    She also threatened to degrade me socially in front of my colleagues.
    She once again threatened with suicide by cutting her hand.
    She didn't eat for three days straight.
    I couldn't see herself tortured. I complied not to break up.

    She is very clingy and overly attached. She's the most stubborn person I have ever met.
    I am her only emotional support.
    I fell bad for her every time I want to leave.

    She apologized for what she said, and she said she never meant anything she said.
    Currently, we are still in a relationship. But I don't talk much. We just eat our food together.

    I am thinking of leaving the job and running away with no contact.
    Is there any other better way to deal with this?
    I don't want to run away as I am also doing a part-time Master's program in this research institute, which I value.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Break up with her but tell her parents first that you are going to do it and let them know what she has threatened before... Also tell your own parents what she's been threatening and get their guidance and support as well... then, stop ALL contact. Do not return any attempts she makes to contact you. Keep all messages about threatening you so that you can show the police how she has been trying to manipulate you.

    Then: YOU go to your schools psychology department and book some appointments to help figure your own self out because there is clearly some issues there if you just didn't break up with her a long time ago. You let her manipulate you into staying in an abusive relationship which is common in abuse relationships but now you have to talk to someone to find out why you didn't have the confidence to just do what I mention in the first paragraph.

  3. #3
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    You need to end this. Shes got some serious issues which are not your problem to solve. Ifr she wants to threaten suicide or even do it then that is down to her. Not you. You are not responisble for cradling her to the grave. She is insane and needs professional help. I would recommend you end this and advise her to get help. If she continues with all the crazy stuff, keep records and call the police.

  4. #4

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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Break up with her but tell her parents first that you are going to do it and let them know what she has threatened before... Also tell your own parents what she's been threatening and get their guidance and support as well... then, stop ALL contact. Do not return any attempts she makes to contact you. Keep all messages about threatening you so that you can show the police how she has been trying to manipulate you.

    Then: YOU go to your schools psychology department and book some appointments to help figure your own self out because there is clearly some issues there if you just didn't break up with her a long time ago. You let her manipulate you into staying in an abusive relationship which is common in abuse relationships but now you have to talk to someone to find out why you didn't have the confidence to just do what I mention in the first paragraph.


    There are some serious issues in our patriarchial lame culture in itself.
    I have seen some honor killings from her native place.
    (Honor killing- The relatives murder the lovers if they marry againts their parents will)
    This ain't Canada.
    The emotional maturity on average is really low, probably including me.
    I've put up for this.
    My parents would mind it and would support me in every way.
    Their parents are from a rural barbaric town, they can even kill both of us. I didn't know this until the end of our first year into the relationship. I was naive and stupid then.

    And I have kept our relationship private (as my parents disapproved it, I didn't know then, why they didn't approve)

    I have also recorded all the threats she made.

    We are working together side by side. I think I have to leave my job & a part-time MS to solve it.
    Talking to their parents might end up ugly. And I have to work anyway in the same lab.
    Last edited by Zuko1984; 03-30-2019 at 02:17 PM. Reason: Quoting

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Barbaric culture and you know the score so it really makes me wonder why you would choose to have sex with, never mind commit to someone you know your parents will not approve of (that fact you knew from day one).

    You are in it thick now and you need to get rid of her. If its as bad as you say it is then she won't dare tell anyone she was raped because SHE will end up the result of a stoning (or worse) for having been dishonoured.

  7. #6

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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Barbaric culture and you know the score so it really makes me wonder why you would choose to have sex with, never mind commit to someone you know your parents will not approve of (that fact you knew from day one).

    You are in it thick now and you need to get rid of her. If its as bad as you say it is then she won't dare tell anyone she was raped because SHE will end up the result of a stoning (or worse) for having been dishonoured.

    The reason my parents didn't approve was because we are of different religion and caste (kind of races in India). I know that my parents would budge eventually as both religion and cast ain't much of a deal breaker for them.

    As I said I was naive, stupid and young.

    I have tried breaking up, it's not working. Whenever I suggest to bring in a counselor
    she says how can you say personal things to a third person. I can't bring in a marriage/relationship counselor too.
    I know I got to end it.
    I just don't know the decent way, as things don't go civil when I bring up to break up.
    I have to see her every day for at least a year until I complete my part-time MS.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Don't "bring it up." Just do it. Then don't talk to her again. The chance to give her decent ending is over. You have tried and she becomes abusive and manipulative so stop making excuses and just get it done.

    If you have to see her every day then go to campus security or psychology department and tell them you have a mad women threatening you.

    If you're not going to leave her then there is nothing else to talk about except you getting your own therapy to help you cope with the abuse.

  9. #8

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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Don't "bring it up." Just do it. Then don't talk to her again. The chance to give her decent ending is over. You have tried and she becomes abusive and manipulative so stop making excuses and just get it done.

    If you have to see her every day then go to campus security or psychology department and tell them you have a mad women threatening you.

    If you're not going to leave her then there is nothing else to talk about except you getting your own therapy to help you cope with the abuse.
    Breaking without bring it up, haven't tried this yet. Will try it.
    I never tought of seeking therapy for myself.
    I will seek a psychotherapist, they are next to my building.

    Thanks a lot for your time,
    May God bless you.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Well, good luck and may god bless you as well. But, I didn't mean don't tell her you are breaking up with her I meant don't discuss it with her just tell her its over and then don't allow her to talk to you about it again. You may want to get into that therapy and discuss all of this with your counsellor first. Either way... you're not happy and she's the reason why so you need to get her out of your life.

  11. #10
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    End this! She is mentally unstable!!!

    I hope that you saved all of the messages, if she does bring false charges. How is the relationship with your boss? You may need to make them aware that she may make some false charges.

    Keep those messages, and try to get any recordings where she is threatening you. You should make others aware of what's going on. She sounds dangerous.

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