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Thread: Help! I am desperate!

  1. #1
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    Help! I am desperate!

    Hello. I met my fiancÚ about 1.5 year ago on an online dating app, we are from different countries and he came to visit quickly.
    He sent me flowers from the distance, things were very intense and we got engaged on his second visit to my country.
    He visited me twice, first for 8 days and second for 24 days. Most of the relationship has been online, long distance.
    He says he is cured now without going through any kind of treatment but he had a gambling addiction problem that left him with the debt of 90 thousand euros.
    Sometimes he would gamble his whole salary away and was left with no money for rent and food.
    I made the mistake to tell this problem to my family and now they are terribly against. They said I had to choose between my fiancÚ and the family.
    He wants to buy tickets for me to visit him in 15 days and I have been avoiding him because I don't know how to tell that I can't go.
    I tried to break up with him before and he threatened gambling and suicide, he went to work drunk and said he would quit his job and live on welfare drinking all day.
    Due to the pressure from my family I saw other men in my country and had sex but I am still very much attached to my (ex) fiancÚ.
    He calls me all day and I ignore, he sends dozens of messages and says that my family has to accept our love.
    In order to being with him I would have to leave my country and move to a developed country in which I don't speak the language, leave my family behing against their will and live with no support from my relatives, taking the risk that he could gamble again.
    His brother is in control of his finances and keeps his credit cards because he is afraid of having a relapse due to the stressful situation with me.
    I can't put an end on this unhealthy situation, which is leading me to take tranquilizers every day and start therapy.
    I don't feel ready to leave the country with my family being terribly against and even travelling to visit him as he wants would create a very bad situation with my family.
    I feel that I have to break up but I don't wanna hurt his feelings.
    What should I do? Help!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Be honest. Tell him it's not working out. It's that simple.

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    It is not as simple as it seems. Last time I tried to break up he cried a lot (we both cried), he sent me crying pictures and threatened suicide. I am scared to death of hurting his feelings so I keep on postponing the conversation.

  4. #4
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    Next time he threatens suicide, call the authorities in his city. They will send an ambulance and possibly put him in the hospital where he can get the professional help he needs if he is truly suicidal.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Next time he threatens suicide, call the authorities in his city. They will send an ambulance and possibly put him in the hospital where he can get the professional help he needs if he is truly suicidal.
    Agree with bolt.

    You're not responsible for his mental health, not to mention in most cases when someone is serious about suicide, they don't "threaten" it, they silently ponder the idea, in some cases call a suicide hotline or just do it. Been there myself tbh.

    I'm not dismissing the severity of his mental issues but consider the possibility he may have said it to manipulate you into not ending it.

    In any event, as bolt said, call the authorities/police. They're trained to know what to do, and will probably make a visit to his home to check on him and worst case, have him admitted to the hospital for proper treatment.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 03-30-2019 at 01:59 PM.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Sweet5000
    It is not as simple as it seems. Last time I tried to break up he cried a lot (we both cried), he sent me crying pictures and threatened suicide. I am scared to death of hurting his feelings so I keep on postponing the conversation.
    I tried to break up with him before and he threatened gambling and suicide, he went to work drunk and said he would quit his job and live on welfare drinking all day.
    Break up with him and then go zero contact so that he can't tell you anything else that is most likely a lot of bull.

    People who threaten suicide instead of just doing it rarely go through with their threat. He's manipulating you and because you are, I recommend you get your own counselling to help you get over your codependency issues. You hardly know this man and you are taking on all his problems as your own. Work on you and your confidence and personal boundaries and get rid of this loser for good. You owe him nothing but you do owe YOU a better life then what you're allowing him to do to you.

  8. #7
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    Yepm you are not responsible for his mental health. If its not workling it's not working and it's your right to end it. Anything that happens that is by his choice.

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    I am going through therapy and the main topic is this problem.
    I also have my issues and I know that my anxiety is abnormal.
    He said he wants this relationship at any price.
    But it is true, we didn't spend much time together in real life and things happened very fast, for example the engagement.
    He called me 5 times today and I didn't answer. He also sent several messages.
    Breaking up other relationships was easy, I don't know why I am having such a hard time in this case.

  10. #9
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    So you'd rather hope he just goes away instead of dealing directly with the problem?

    Is this your plan for life? To hide and hope anything unpleasant just goes away?

    Your stress level will go down to almost nothing if you just deal with this. Tell him you're sorry, but you've decided the relationship isn't the right one for you and you are ending it. If he threatens suicide, let him know you will be contacting the authorities in his city as well as his family to get him help. Then block him from all means of communication.

    If you think that's mean, what do you think stringing him along and ignoring his messages is?

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Sweet5000
    I don't know why I am having such a hard time in this case.
    Because he threatens to take his life, OP. You feel too guilty to walk away.

    Unfortunately, you have gotten wrapped up with someone who is very emotionally unstable. Whether he is serious or not about committing suicide, the very fact that he's even threatening to do so is disturbing. He is going to keep trying to contact you unless and until you tell him very clearly that the relationship is over. Ignoring him isn't working and while he is clearly not relationship material at this point in his life, you are not helping matters by avoiding him if he thinks you two are still a couple. Time to put on your Big Girl Pants and explain that you are no longer going to continue the relationship.

    As others have already wisely advised, contact emergency services in his area if he threatens to kill himself.

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