Mistakes were made

Hi guys,

I'm 31 yr old male. Been broken up with my ex now for 5 weeks. We were together 6 months long distance mainly.

We broke up because I called her and said I wasnt sure if I was ready to be in a relationship, I was trying to be honest. The way I did it was wrong though. I was drinking and she was at an airport. I very stupid.

I called a million times, texted another million. Begged and became REALLY INSECURE basically. She said she cant go back, cant give me what I need, her exs were controlling, shes really hurt, etc etc.

I didnt give her space and I see my mistake. She actually said she needed time and I didnt understand that.

Its been 6 weeks no contact now. I feel like this no contact is a bit stupid sometimes but makes sense.

Im going to her country next week (tickets were booked before we broke up and I have family there anyway). I am sorry for what I did but she seems so hurt and when it was all said and done she wasn't answering my calls and texts. Should I message her while Im there to see if she wants to meet?

I feel I may regret not even trying as I initially broke her heart like an idiot because I was scared.

Jon

Sorry this happened. Why weren't you "sure if I was ready to be in a relationship" after 6 mos? What compelled you to tell her this? Have those circumstances changed? Was the distance getting in the way? Ok leave her alone. Visit with your family, but see if she contacts you rather than contacting her. After dumping her in a drunken nasty way, it's doubtful she wants a quick hookup while you're in town.

Thanks wiseman

I think I was just scared that things wouldn't work out, I had no reason to be though. I guess circumstances have changed because I realise it was my own insecurities.

I dont want a hookup, but I guess youre right here. I should not contact her just out of respect if nothing else.

You never know if things will work out. Realize the only control you have is being the best bf possible in the future, and hope for the best. In my opinion, you really don't love a person if you risk losing them with talks like this, even when drunk.

You pulled the switch and now you have to live with the consequences. She has a right to continue closure without interruption of that process by hearing from you, which will set her back to square one.

When you're ready to date, dating locally is a safer bet for success. You won't be ready to date if you're holding onto baggage like being scared of being in a serious relationship. Work on yourself so you'll be a better partner to someone in the future.

You can try messaging her while you are there, but I would not get your hopes up too much.

Let's say you message her, meet up with her, things feel good - and then you have to turn around and fly back home again. Then what? It is asking a lot to put her faith in a guy who lives far away and previously dumped her.

I think the more likely scenario is that you won't get the response you hoped, or perhaps no response at all. Are you prepared for those possibilities?

If she lives abroad, how often had you two met in person in the 6 months you were together?

When they say they need "time", or "space", the translation is, "i'm breaking up with you". sorry.

Thank you all for your advice

I actually just messaged her to say I hope shes ok, and to see if she still has feelings for me. I said it was ok if shes moved on because I know I was an Ahole to her.

I was doing this no contact thing but then I thought I would regret it if I didnt reach out at least once after shes had time. If I did no contact and never heard from her again I know deep down I would regret it.

Im not expecting a response and if she's moved on thats ok

What on earth do her exes have anything to do with this. You told her you weren't ready for a relationship and she started talking about her lousy exes? Look, she doesn't sound put together enough, in my opinion. Committed relationships don't crumble with one drunk phone call. If she's that fragile you do not want her on your team. Move forwards, man. You were right about one thing, you're not ready as in you're not ready to be with someone who doesn't know how to forgive silly mistakes.

Everything you said is very true, I did just message her after 6 weeks though. I wasnt ever going to contact her again but knew I would regret it if I didnt at least once. I'll leave her alone now. :(

That's a lot of faith that she's probably lost now yes. I'm prepared for these possibilities, maybe I wasn't a few weeks ago but it's been 6 weeks so now? yes.

We met twice, but she came to London and met my parents! and I met her friends. It was all a bit fast and I was trying to tell her but maybe I was not firm enough.

When they say they need "time", or "space", the translation is, "i'm breaking up with you". sorry.

Not always, I've been in a long term relationship with someone who needed time/space. And I wouldn't say I needed time/space if I wanted to break up with someone, I would just break up with them period.

You're probably right about this situation though.

What on earth do her exes have anything to do with this. You told her you weren't ready for a relationship and she started talking about her lousy exes? Look, she doesn't sound put together enough, in my opinion. Committed relationships don't crumble with one drunk phone call. If she's that fragile you do not want her on your team. Move forwards, man. You were right about one thing, you're not ready as in you're not ready to be with someone who doesn't know how to forgive silly mistakes.

It was a silly mistake and she's not that put together because she's been through a lot (I wont go into detail). She said things like I filled a void in her and I helped heal her heart which sounded romantic but to me were red flags. I told her I cant fill anyones void. I do understand her fears because we all have baggage and exs.

Thank you for your encouragement Rose

What on earth do her exes have anything to do with this. You told her you weren't ready for a relationship and she started talking about her lousy exes? Look, she doesn't sound put together enough, in my opinion. Committed relationships don't crumble with one drunk phone call. If she's that fragile you do not want her on your team. Move forwards, man. You were right about one thing, you're not ready as in you're not ready to be with someone who doesn't know how to forgive silly mistakes.

Fragile?!?!

I would say MOST healthy women would not get back with a man who drunkenly broke up with her ESPECIALLY if he tried to go back and ‘fix’ it the next day.

Reason?

He just showed HIS issues.

Many will willingly jump onto the ‘I have issues with commitment’crazy train, many won’t. No fault of hers if she chooses not to.

And OPer I hope (which I think you are) you don’t try to put this on her.

There’s a huge influx lately of people breaking up for sh*ts and giggles. And regretting when the other person accepts it and walks away.

BREAKING UP IS THE NUCLEAR OPTION

Never do it unless you mean it PERIOD!

Fragile?!?!

 

I would say MOST healthy women would not get back with a man who drunkenly broke up with her ESPECIALLY if he tried to go back and ‘fix’ it the next day.

 

Reason?

 

He just showed HIS issues.

 

Many will willingly jump onto the ‘I have issues with commitment’crazy train, many won’t. No fault of hers if she chooses not to.

 

And OPer I hope (which I think you are) you don’t try to put this on her.

 

There’s a huge influx lately of people breaking up for sh*ts and giggles. And regretting when the other person accepts it and walks away.

 

BREAKING UP IS THE NUCLEAR OPTION

 

Never do it unless you mean it PERIOD!

Nope, I'm not putting this on her and I don't find this funny. What did I say that makes you think I'm blaming her? The title of the thread says it all.

I'm not on any "issues with commitment train", I do actually have fears of whether I can be a good partner/provider, yes my own insecurities I know I hold on to my mistakes for far too long. I am trying to be less negative. I think this is a train because many men feel the same way, it doesn't mean it's a game.

I actually didn't want to break up, I wanted to tell her that I wasn't sure I was ready for a relationship and she said "you're breaking up with me" and I couldn't answer because my mind froze and I thought that's what she wanted deep down. I'm not a young lad, I knew the risks involved but I felt I had to be honest with her about how I felt otherwise what's the point in a relationship?

Nope, I'm not putting this on her and I don't find this funny. What did I say that makes you think I'm blaming her? The title of the thread says it all.

Ok just making sure cause in response to this:

What on earth do her exes have anything to do with this. You told her you weren't ready for a relationship and she started talking about her lousy exes? Look, she doesn't sound put together enough, in my opinion. Committed relationships don't crumble with one drunk phone call. If she's that fragile you do not want her on your team. Move forwards, man. You were right about one thing, you're not ready as in you're not ready to be with someone who doesn't know how to forgive silly mistakes.

You said this:

Everything you said is very true, I did just message her after 6 weeks though. I wasnt ever going to contact her again but knew I would regret it if I didnt at least once. I'll leave her alone now. :(

i wasn’t sure so thanks for clarifying.

I'm not on any "issues with commitment train",

Oh yes you are.

I do actually have fears of whether I can be a good partner/provider, yes my own insecurities I know I hold on to my mistakes for far too long. I am trying to be less negative. I think this is a train because many men feel the same way, it doesn't mean it's a game.

Guess when the best time to work through those fears would have been? Ill give you a hint, it’s not while in a relationship because things like this happen.

I actually didn't want to break up, I wanted to tell her that I wasn't sure I was ready for a relationship and she said "you're breaking up with me" and I couldn't answer because my mind froze and I thought that's what she wanted deep down. I'm not a young lad, I knew the risks involved but I felt I had to be honest with her about how I felt otherwise what's the point in a relationship?

Im sorry you’re an older adult and you don’t recognize that you don’t act like this in relationships. you communicate. Like an adult you tell her your fears you work through them together what you did was drop a bomb and when she asked for clarification you shut down.

I don’t know how you think you deseve a second chance, I’m not saying this to be insulting, your issues aren’t magically fixed, look how much you’re defending them as if you don’t teuly think you did anything wrong. what happened was she walked away, triggering whatever in you and now you want your toy back, it will be the same thing until you actually face whatever you have going on emotionally the fact that your partner misinterpreted a break up and you didn’t correct them... you have GOT to work on your communication. You have no issue attempting to clap back, take that energy into communicating in your relationships. Again not trying to be insulting but you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge, you screwed up, it sucks and im sorry.

Can you get her back? Maybe, do you deserve her back? Not until you work through whatever issues you’re going through and right now you’re not there yet, you’re in panic mode, completely different than truly working through what’s going on in your head.

i wish you luck. And if she comes back dont pull this crap again.

Fragile?!?!

 

I would say MOST healthy women would not get back with a man who drunkenly broke up with her ESPECIALLY if he tried to go back and ‘fix’ it the next day.

Thank you.

Labeling a woman as "fragile" because she doesn't want to take back her boyfriend who drunkenly broke up with her is absurd. And I'd say the same even if the genders were reversed.

It has zero to do with her emotional "fragility" and everything to do with the dumper evidently not thinking through his choices prior to acting on them, drunk or not.

Ok just making sure cause in response to this:

 

 

 

You said this:

 

 

 

 

i wasn’t sure so thanks for clarifying.

 

 

 

Oh yes you are.

 

 

 

Guess when the best time to work through those fears would have been? Ill give you a hint, it’s not while in a relationship because things like this happen.

 

 

 

Im sorry you’re an older adult and you don’t recognize that you don’t act like this in relationships. you communicate. Like an adult you tell her your fears you work through them together what you did was drop a bomb and when she asked for clarification you shut down.

 

I don’t know how you think you deseve a second chance, I’m not saying this to be insulting, your issues aren’t magically fixed, look how much you’re defending them as if you don’t teuly think you did anything wrong. what happened was she walked away, triggering whatever in you and now you want your toy back, it will be the same thing until you actually face whatever you have going on emotionally the fact that your partner misinterpreted a break up and you didn’t correct them... you have GOT to work on your communication. You have no issue attempting to clap back, take that energy into communicating in your relationships. Again not trying to be insulting but you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge, you screwed up, it sucks and im sorry.

 

Can you get her back? Maybe, do you deserve her back? Not until you work through whatever issues you’re going through and right now you’re not there yet, you’re in panic mode, completely different than truly working through what’s going on in your head.

 

i wish you luck. And if she comes back dont pull this crap again.

You make a lot of sense, thank you for giving me your 2 cents. I did screw up I see that now, and I dont deserve her back you're right.

Like I said i messaged her because I know I would regret it everlasting if I didnt, I have no expectations and if shes moving on/moved on I can only accept

Thank you.

 

Labeling a woman as "fragile" because she doesn't want to take back her boyfriend who drunkenly broke up with her is absurd. And I'd say the same even if the genders were reversed.

 

It has zero to do with her emotional "fragility" and everything to do with the dumper evidently not thinking through his choices prior to acting on them, drunk or not.

What would it take for you to forgive someone who did this? Is this forgivable?

What would it take for you to forgive someone who did this? Is this forgivable?

Time.

And a belief they truly worked though everything.

Time.

 

And a belief they truly worked though everything.

got it .

It was a silly mistake and she's not that put together because she's been through a lot (I wont go into detail). She said things like I filled a void in her and I helped heal her heart which sounded romantic but to me were red flags. I told her I cant fill anyones void. I do understand her fears because we all have baggage and exs.

 

Thank you for your encouragement Rose

This is likely the biggest red flag: you filled a void in a person who has "been through a lot". Good for you telling her you can't fill anyone's void. We've all been through a lot. Seems like she's been using you as an emotional bandaid for far too long. Yes, she's fragile and imho, she needs to grow up let things go. I'm a woman and I don't see what her big stink is over one blip. You've already expressed to her how sorry you are and how ridiculous your attempted break up was when you were drunk to boot. You don't deserve to wallow forever, hoping that someone who doesn't appreciate you will suddenly appreciate you. There are two sides to every coin. If she doesn't trust you, it's her loss. Stop being her void filler and bandaid. Move on. There are far better women out there to date.

This is likely the biggest red flag: you filled a void in a person who has "been through a lot". Good for you telling her you can't fill anyone's void. We've all been through a lot. Seems like she's been using you as an emotional bandaid for far too long. Yes, she's fragile and imho, she needs to grow up let things go. I'm a woman and I don't see what her big stink is over one blip. You've already expressed to her how sorry you are and how ridiculous your attempted break up was when you were drunk to boot. You don't deserve to wallow forever, hoping that someone who doesn't appreciate you will suddenly appreciate you. There are two sides to every coin. If she doesn't trust you, it's her loss. Stop being her void filler and bandaid. Move on. There are far better women out there to date.

Well, a few years ago she lost both her parents in a tragic way. I felt like I needed to be perfect for her, and I put a lot of emotions of mine on hold. She said this whole thing brings up memories of her parents, and I feel so guilty

I have previously had a drug addiction- been to therapy-, so I was not out partying, I was at home drinking on my own (I had been drinking for a few weeks) and I knew something was badly wrong

I know I did it all wrong and my communication is bad, I just messaged her after giving her space and no response

I guess it is time to move on like you said

Good you realized you had a problem and got help. Also that you don't have to be perfect for someone to care about you. Now get your resolve back and get help for the drinking since it's creating problems for you. Ok so neither she nor you are ready to be in a relationship until you respectively sort out your issues. It's for the best. You'll see in retrospect.

I have previously had a drug addiction- been to therapy-, so I was not out partying, I was at home drinking on my own (I had been drinking for a few weeks)

Good you realized you had a problem and got help. Also that you don't have to be perfect for someone to care about you. Now get your resolve back and get help for the drinking since it's creating problems for you. Ok so neither she nor you are ready to be in a relationship until you respectively sort out your issues. It's for the best. You'll see in retrospect.

makes sense, thank you