Getting past a situation with my only sister ....almost a year now

I'm 54 and my younger sister is 50. She rented a house from my husband/me.

Lived there for 4.5 years. Moved in her boyfriend/his pitbull dog (not on the lease she signed with us).

In the last year of the lease she had lost her job as an dog groomer. She started her own grooming business

in our rental house without asking first. Huge liability on us. I found out - stayed cool about it since she was looking for shop/commercial space to move her business. She + people that lived with her are smokers, we are not and while I didn't say no smoking she knows how I feel about smoking in the home. We don't allow in our home. The lease stated that if she did smoke, she would be responsible for cost of repainting. Well...here goes and you know what I'm typing next..she moved out and while she cleaned the bathroom and kitchen the entire house had a thick coat of oily nicotine on everything...walls, door knobs, cabinets, appliances...and the smell--took weeks to get out! I confronted her on my disappointment in how could she do this/leave house like that!? She snapped back saying "you knew I was a smoker when you rented to me" and when I asked her to go clean the walls she stated the home wasn't perfectly clean when she moved in and hung up on me. Right after hanging up, she began texting me, mocking me and suggested I go see a doctor for medication. I was stunned.

I have helped her out so much throughout her life...loaned her money, put the gas/electric bill in my name for her for a couple of years ago when she lived in her apartment prior to begging to rent our house once it became available. Our parents have passed, and it's just us two and a brother. This happened a year ago and not a day goes by that I don't think about how crappy I feel over this. She has publicly shamed me on social media when I didn't invite her over for Christmas. My brother confronted me about not inviting her to my home for the holidays (I host Christmas EVERY year and bro/sis + all their kids/grandkids about 50 people come to my home) and I said to my brother; She smoke damaged our rental house, hung up on me when I tried to discuss with her and then text bombed me on 2 occasions for hours mocking me, making fun of me and calling me obscenities. Why would I invite her to my home? My brother had no reply. Am I crazy? She hung up on me. How do I get past this? I feel like I've been attacked by a narcissist. Yes, I confronted her first...but believe I had the right to. She did pay rent (cheap cause she is family) every month. I'm still just blown away at how she treated me and has moved on. I don't feel like it's my job to apologize. when she text bombed me calling names - I did not call names back. I text her, please stop several times and then finally blocked her as she had been texting from 5 p.m. till about 1 a.m. when I finally blocked her. She raged over things clear back to our childhood, small things like when I tattled on her when we were 9 & 5. I'll stop rambling - but this situation with my sister has taken on a toll on me worse than my divorce 20 years ago. Thanks for any advice on how to move forward.

She is very ungrateful and jealous. Part of the problem is that people have been giving her things for too long. She is a grown ass woman and it is not your responsibility to house her, put bills in your name , loan her money... Stop that! How old is this woman?

You will have to wait for her to come to you with a sincere apology-hopefully, not when she wants something else from you. If she does come back, NO MORE FAVORS! You have done enough, and been punished for it.

What does your brother say? Have you considered therapy?

Since she has always been disrespectful toward you, maintain a safe distance. Stay away. Now that you know her true colors and what she is capable of doing, saying and writing, you won't nor can't trust her anymore and I'd feel the same way if I were you.

When she suggested that you take medication, she gaslighted you. Google the word "gaslighting." It's typical, wicked psychological warfare to deflect and manipulate the conversation which is the oldest trick in the book.

All that nicotine cooked her brain cells. Smokers can act crazy like that. Nicotine affects the brain negatively which shows in her unacceptable behaviors.

Enforce permanent healthy boundaries, be adamant, unwavering and steadfast. Avoid toxic people like the plague. No, you're not crazy. Omit her from your life so you can have peace of mind. I've done this with a few people and it worked wonders.

Thank you Holly J. Brother says not much...but upset w/me that I didn't invite her to my home for the holidays. I've been the glue to this family since our parents passed several years ago. Instead of going to Mom/Dad's for holidays, I host and extended family comes to my home. I've done what I can to keep us together and snapped on my sister over the house/smoke situation. Of course my brother doesn't know about the other times that I've helped my sister loaning her money etc. He hasn't asked for details (doesn't care) He said "I don't want to know all the details of why you two are not speaking to each other - but you need to fix it." And I just can't fix it! I refuse to be the one to step forward and apologize after her walking away from her responsibility with the house & the names she called me. Totally uncalled for. I feel in my heart karma will do it's thing eventually. I don't know? I know that not a day goes by that I don't feel the heartache over it. I'm getting better. You are correct, "on giving her things too long" - It occured to me that my brother and myself were conditioned from day one...our baby sister...don't make her cry..etc..We would get in trouble from Mom&Dad if she was upset...'what did one of you do to her'? Help her...etc... you know how it goes when you're kids. She was the baby and again - I was conditioned to keep sister happy. I've been doing it all my life and didn't even realize it. Kind of embarrassed I'm 50+ and just learning this lesson. It is kind of freeing learning to say 'no' and standing up for myself. I see her so differently now and can't believe we are even related. She is so smug -especially on social media. Of course I'm blocked and that is ok. But I have friends that will send me screen shots of her narcissistic posts. A few friends have told me she is 'jealous' just as you did and I just don't understand that. She will go to her grave before she apologizes and I will live with that. She will never admit any fault or responsibility, never has. When she divorced, it was all her husbands fault. When she was fired from her job, it was because the other employees are fat and they didn't like her because she is thin. Not because she was late everyday...but because the other employees didn't like her. Who says/believes this? OMGosh...I think back to some of this stuff over the years and smh...Am I dealing with a narcissist? If so, I've read - to get away-stay away...because I will never win with a narcissist. Thanks again.

Thank you Cherlyn so much. Yes, just the last several months I have educated myself on narcissist and gaslighting. Never even knew there were words to describe behavior/people. Wow - have I learned a lot. And you know, I do see most people can be narcissistic, but once you know this...I think it helps people be better people. I know the one good thing that came from this..is I am now a better person. I NEVER want to be that person that is so bold and confident that I AM ALWAYS RIGHT and refuse to except responsibility when I screw up. Thank you for pointing out re; nicotine. I didn't realize that. She smokes a lot of pot too...wasn't going to put that out there, but it's true. I don't care, that is her business...but that also explains the heavy brown oily coating in our rental house. Live and learn..and your advice helps me to do just what you suggested. Enforce healthy boundaries and avoid toxic people. My circle has gotten smaller and most days lately I'm ok with that. Thanks again, great advice.

Holly J - I have considered therapy - but pissed it will cost me $$ - sister always cost me $$...lol...grrr...thank you.

Holly J - I have considered therapy - but pissed it will cost me $$ - sister always cost me $$...lol...grrr...thank you.

This is who she is. She will never be responsible for her actions, and will continue to take as much as she can possibly get. It is not you job to keep the family together. Stand your ground!

I wish you the best.

The only way forward is to stop dwelling in the past. Let it go. She's not in your rental property anymore. This happened a year ago (the rental fiasco?). Dwelling on this isn't healthy. Practice living in the moment a bit more and be less distracted by what others are doing with their lives. What matters is how you live yours.

What exactly is stated in the lease with regard to smoking, pets, guest/co-tenants? How much of a security deposit did you retain? All you can do is go by the exact terms and wording of the lease. You can't retroactively get upset about her having pets, bfs running a business etc, if nothing was in the lease

and you allowed it and gave her nothing in writing at the time.

If she left the place "broom clean", repainting is usually considered "normal wear and tear". Repainting when tenants move out is usually the cost of doing business, however since it's in the lease take it out of the security or bill her for it. Since it is a rental consult with your CPA regarding offsetting rental income with operating costs such as unrecoverable damages, etc.. Get the place steam cleaned, painted etc and save all the bills.

Unfortunately when she decided to have a dog, bf, business you did not raise the rent or ask for a pet deposit etc. Next time you lease the place consult an attorney and get a better lease agreement in order. You get past this by taking photos of the place compared to the condition itb was rented in to an attorney along with the lease and suing her for any additional costs beyond the security.

On a personal level, you need better boundaries and to distance yourself from dysfunctional manipulative or parasitic family.

The lease stated that if she did smoke, she would be responsible for cost of repainting. I asked her to go clean the walls she stated the home wasn't perfectly clean when she moved in and hung up on me.

You have two choices here, and both involve estrangement (yes, from your own sister):

1) Estrange yourself from her completely. Block her and never speak to her again.

2) "Cordial" estrangement: speak to her once in a while, keep the conversations cordial, polite, and surface-level. Speak about the weather, the latest movies, so-and-so's pretty new garden. Zero, and I mean ZERO, discussions about anything deeper.

I chose # 2 for myself, with my mother, many years ago, and it kept my sanity over the years. I advise you to do the same.

This woman, your sister, is a toxic, energy-sucking person, and yes, she is horrible to you. Your bringing up one thing, and she deflects by telling you that you need medication, is a tactic that abusers use, to make you feel bad and shift the focus off of you. Google "Christiane Northrup" and "Energy Vampires" for a video series/book that will explain a lot to you, and how vital it is that you keep her out of your life.

As for Christmas? It's your house. It's your party. You don't have to include anyone you don't want to include. You could invite her, but have a complete "No Smoking" policy (I do, in my home), and then, she's watered down with the rest of your family.

Now that she's moved out, and I assume she's off your bills, and your name has been removed from all services, keep it that way. No more financial entanglements of any kind. If she calls you crying from a gutter, point her to the nearest police/fire station/homeless shelter. I'm not kidding.

Okay. forget about "oh she gaslighted me". She didn't. just because someone is rude, does not mean they are "gaslighting" you. Its time to set some boundaries.

If a family member rents to you, you have them sign a contract just like a regular tenant.

You may charge them less because they are family, but otherwise treat them like a tenant.

If they would like to move a dog in, its an extra $50 per month.

You either put it in writing that no smoking is allowed, instead of saying "well she knows how i feel", or

put an added fee for smoking. And don't charge next to nothing

If they decide to have a roommate (boyfriend, same gender roommate, no matter, you need the person's name to run a background check) and add more money, but have it in the contract ahead of time so both have the same expectations

They pay a security deposit up front. If they leave the house with just normal wear and tear ( the bathroom is clean, but a few little scuffs on the hallway door, the carpet is a little worn in the main entry way form normal usage), then you put on a fresh coat of paint and give it back. I know a landlord and they paint the entry ways after every tenant. If the place requires more than normal (cleaning the carpet after each tenant is normal to freshen it up even if its left in perfect shape, replacing doors broken in a drunken rage isn't)., then the security deposit is retained or prorated.

I think its both of your faults. You assumed a certain performance from her because she is your sister and she owes you because of the cheap rent, and she didn't think it was a big deal because "you knew she smoked when you rented to her".

If i were you, i would not have excluded her from CHristmas. There are other people there = she would have been on good behavior and lesson learned that you don't make loans or give cheap rent to relatives. She should not be kicked out of the family so to speak because you and she had different expectations