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Thread: Please help - secret IMs between husband and former best friend, and I may be at

  1. #1

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    Please help - secret IMs between husband and former best friend, and I may be at

    I had a falling out with my best friend of about 15 years. Very long story short, she had become judgmental and gossipy over the years, and I took the total coward’s route by not saying anything about it. Things came to a head when she told people I was bulimic - (I’m not, and I’m actually really proud of how hard I’ve worked to lose weight… or at least, I was.) And I finally wrote her a long email about why I had become distant, which mentioned the aforementioned gossip, negativity, and bulimia rumor. I thought it was a gentle and fair letter, and I even had my husband read it before I hit send to make sure it didn’t come across as mean and accusatory. I followed up with phone calls and emails after sending, but got total silence on her end.

    Flash forward a month or so. I told my husband that “Jane” wouldn’t talk to me at all, so I had no idea if she was angry, hurt, embarrassed or what. My money was on embarrassed, because I don't think she knew that I was aware of her rumors. My husband then tells me that she’s been IMing him this entire time about how awful I am, and what, specifically, is wrong with me. (Yep, this included that I was indeed bulimic, as well as the fact that I was mean, had turned into a horrible person, and was “spiraling out of control.” So, essentially, there was no problem with her or her actions at all – it was all just me becoming evil and insane.) He showed me one or two messages that she sent, but then took away his phone so I couldn’t see the whole conversation.

    Well, I am ashamed to say that I snooped. And I discovered that while she was repeatedly saying negative things about me, my husband was doing the same thing to a lesser extent. He told her that the letter I sent was indeed mean, (although he did not tell her that he read it and approved), and that she might have to be the bigger person, and if she just called me he was sure I would apologize profusely. The worst thing was that he said the reason I hadn’t apologized for being a was because I was “too busy kissing his ass” for a fight we recently had.

    I told him what I saw. He said I invaded his privacy, (which is true – I shouldn’t have snooped), and that he only said those things so that we could repair the friendship, and was essentially working as a mediator. He also said that we were both being dramatic and crazy, and that he wouldn’t talk about it anymore.

    This is bugging the hell out of me. I feel bad now about the email I sent to Jane, and my emotions have flipflopped between wanting to call and apologize, (should I? I doubt she'll answer my calls), while being relieved that the friendship is done. (I found out that after the now-infamous email, she told mutual friends and my parents that I was an insane bulimic.) I also feel awful that my husband was put in the middle of this, and feel guilty that I apparently caused both people who are or were very important to me a lot of hurt.

    But the entire drama-fueled mess, and especially my husband's narrative, bugs the heck out of me. I was never “dramatic” about the situation because I had no idea it was happening. I can’t understand why he would tell her the letter was mean and that she deserved an apology if he told me it was fine. Worst of all, I feel completely gaslit because somehow I ended up apologizing all over myself to him after these secret IMs came to light. (AKA, "I shouldn’t have snooped, you have every right to talk to Jane however and whenever you want," etc.)

    He doesn’t want to talk about it again, and I don’t know what to do. I know he’s not cheating on me with Jane, (he actually doesn’t like her at all), but I can’t shake this feeling that there is something very wrong here. Do I need to get over this? Is my marriage severely broken? I am constantly flip-flopping between whether I am in the wrong or not. I really need an outside perspective.

  2. #2
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Your husband has crossed the line here. He has shown you great disrespect by saying negative things about you to someone whom he knew you were having difficulties with.

    I don't know if your marriage is broken, but you certainly need to have a little 'coming to Jesus' session with him about it.

  3. #3
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Both your husband and Jane are disrespectful. I would tell him to stop conspiring behind your back he is YOUR husband not hers. As for her good riddance.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    Wow. The actions your husband took were incredibly unsupportive and borderline cruel. Why would he engage with a woman who was going out of her way to discredit you? I am a strong believer that in marriage, partners should be fiercely loyal to each other. Blowing off steam from time to time may be necessary, but not to your enemy!

    Are there other issues present in your marriage? I find his behavior so incredibly offputting and your need to invade his privacy to be huge red flags that the relationship is unhealthy. I don't understand how you recover from this type of invalidation, especially when it seems like your husband doesn't feel any remorse for his actions at all.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    How come he has her contact info? Your husband is passive-aggressive. This means he's undermining you. Read up on this and how to deal with these smile in your face snakes.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member LC8328's Avatar
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    I think I understand what you are feeling. It's knowing how someone you love is talking about you behind your back that hurts.

    A man I dated for several years did that to me. Talked behind my back when we argued and I heard him myself once when I was arriving late to his friend's party and I could hear his voice carry from the backyard. Lots of people probably wouldn't care about such little things, but for me, it hurt a lot to hear the same voice that would talk about how much he loved me, talk about me in the most demeaning way. Now more than ever I am grateful I'm out of that relationship.

    What really concerns me is that he doesn't want to talk about it. Being in a marriage and being an adult means that he needs to communicate with you about all things, most especially something like this. Maybe if you get your bearings together, so that you can speak to him with as much rationale as possible, then he would be more open to talking. It's worth a shot. I hope you and your husband get past this.

    ~LC

  8. #7
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    You feel bad about the email. Are you serious! She should have been out of your life, long, ago. She sounds awful! You want to call and apologize after she has spread nasty rumors about you. What are you thinking? Do you not have any other friends? I want to shake you!

    Your husband has deceived you and been very disrespectful. I strongly suggest marriage counseling, as there is something seriously wrong in your marriage. You apologized to him, too. Ugh.

    Time to stand up for yourself!

  9. #8
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    Your husband went behind your back and betrayed your trust heavily and shockingly. I don't know how you'd be able to join e back from this sort of betrayal.

  10. #9

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    Thank you everyone for your replies - you have absolutely no idea how helpful this is. To be honest, I haven't brought it up with my husband again, mainly because I was so confused on whether I was in the wrong, or was making a mountain out of a molehill, or was unnecessarily stirring up drama. (I really do hate drama and this whole thing started to feel so high school and gross, and I wanted to escape it as much as possible.) Our marriage is otherwise fairly good, although I've dropped a few longstanding doormat tendencies recently, (seemed to correspond with the weight loss), and have tried to be more outspoken when I'm unhappy with something to mixed results. Hence the email to Jane. Speaking of, I should just keep my distance with Jane, correct? I'll admit I was 100% in the wrong for being quiet so long about the criticism and gossip, and not telling her it bothered me for months and even years, but her actions when I finally did kind of blew me away... or maybe not really. Every time we have ever had a fight, I was always the one who apologized. This was the first time in 15 years I didn't.
    Thank you again for taking time out of your day to help an incredibly confused (but NOT bulimic) stranger. I hope you know that you have done a world of good!!

  11. #10
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    It seems that you are not going to address the issues with your husband. For some reason, you do not recognize there is a serious, underlying problem. The man has hostility towards you, and has deceived you. Get your head out of the sand! You are still playing doormat to him.

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