Lost someone to suicide and now it hurts a year later

Hi everyone, my freshman year of college I met a guy who I became very close with (let's call him CJ for the sake of everything). We were so close that people would always joked we would get married but our relationship was more of that of a brother and sister. He was an amazing special person. I don't think he had a bad bone in his body. Sadly over some time we drifted apart. Mainly since we both got into relationships and started doing our own things but regardless we were still friends.

That being said I got the phone call from a mutual friend of ours telling me that CJ had committed suicide.

My heart was shattered as I had no idea he was even depressed as he always seemed happy. In fact I had dinner with him just a few days earlier. When I first heard the news I didn't know what to do.

I cried a lot and confided in people but I was also very angry with him. I was angry that he left so soon as he was so special. So I just decided to move on with my life. I stopped thinking about it and just did everything normally. Now that was a year ago. And today I saw a video, you can't see him in the video but you can hear his voice. I lost it, I can't stop crying because I miss my friend so much, I feel as if he had helped me and I did nothing to return the favor. I couldn't help him and now he's gone. I am not angry at him anymore, I love him as a sister would love her own brother and I am sad that we didn't spend much time together.

I didn't think that after a year I would still feel so much pain, even more that originally.

I'm sorry for the long post, just needed to get this off my chest

I’m really sorry for your loss. Suicide is a terrible tragedy for everyone involved. To be honest there’s nothing you could change or could have done to prevent this so please don’t blame yourself any longer. He made the choice and it’s heartbreaking but it was his doing.

Grief can never fully go away I realize. It can hit you at any moment and make your heart hurt. I do know it can get better with time. It took me five years to be able to look at a photo or think of my late grandfather with no tears and only a smile.

Many hugs!