My boyfriend had feelings for someone else

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and recently we have been emotionally distant. He was working really long hours and when he would come home I would really want his attention and affection but his mind was so occupied with work he was not able to give me what I wanted. This would lead to fights about our relationship. He ended up breaking up with me because he was confused about whether he still wanted to be with me. 5 days later we talked and he told me he missed me and wanted to get back together. However, he told me that while we were broken up he had sex with someone else. This was a girl he worked with who I had some suspicions of beforehand. It turns out he had feelings for her before they hooked up but then after they hooked up he realized he made a mistake and he felt nothing for her and wanted me back. It really hurts me that he hooked up with this girl because he did it the day after we broke up. Also, during our relationship I would notice him texting her everyday and she would send him snap chats. During this I told him I didn’t like that he was talking to her so much because it made me feel insecure. Especially because of all the problems we were having and he worked so much so he was around her all the time. After I expressed I was uncomfortable with him talking to her so much he told me I was crazy and that there was nothing to worry about with her. Now I feel like he lied to me. He said he didn’t break up with me to be with her. He didn’t know that she liked him back and he just thought they were friends but he did like her. He never hooked up with her while we were together, just the day after we broke up. He said he didn’t expect to hook up with her and that it just sort of happened. He expressed to me that he was sincerely sorry for the way he treated me and that he knows that he wants me in his life. Since he confessed everything I decided I would take him back. I just don’t know what to think of all this. I keep thinking about them having sex. I keep thinking about how he had feelings for her while I was telling him I was insecure about their friendship. He has quit his job so he wouldn’t be around her, he’s cut off communication with her, and he says he is fully committed to me. I want to make things work out but I need advice as to how to move on and forgive him and not build resentment.

He was having an emotional affair with her, long before they hooked up. And yes, he did break up so that he would not feel guilty about sleeping with her. Your bf is a creep. Your bf is full of sh*t!

Your questions are fairly specific and so they'll get a specific answer from me. I'm not going to bother judging you and what you think is right for yourself. I'm answering you directly (in terms of what to do next/a good method of reconciliation) if this is what you want.

 

You've said you're interested in making things work. The only way through this is with communication. A lot of it. It will be excruciating at first but there is absolutely no way that the trust between the both of you will be rebuilt if you cannot communicate extensively. This has to mean both of you communicating, sharing your feelings, your fears and you expressing how deeply hurt you still are. He should be able to express his feelings to you as well without being invalidated or constantly made to feel bad for his actions. Remember, that YOU are interested in making this work. Act like it and treat the communication seriously and begin to both treat each other with respect. If you need a moment, take a moment. Do not lash out at him. You both should be able to create a safe space to speak to each other without one or both of you losing it.

 

Second, his job situation: if he hasn't found another job or equivalent position, his resentment will begin to build. Remember also that in all of this, he went through some significant changes. You didn't change. He did. He went back and forth in your relationship and made some big discoveries. If he isn't able to recover in his career, your relationship will suffer. Life is always about a balance. As a couple you both should be encouraging each other to forward your aspirations. This will be a test for you if you really think that you both should be together. Good luck.

This sounds exactly to me like he broke up with you so he could sleep with her. Then in the sex afterglow, he realized it wasn't as good as what he has with you. Or something. Yuck.

 

And don't give me this whole, "I didn't even know she liked me!" crap and it "just happened" less than 24 hours after your break up?? That's one hell of a coincidence. You already have all the info you need when he was giving her furtive texts for months on end.

 

Get rid of this guy. He'll probably do it again the next time something shiny comes along.

Unfortunately, you have discovered the very painful way that your boyfriend is no longer invested in your relationship.

 

He was distancing himself from you prior to the break-up because he was getting closer to her; don't buy the story that he didn't know she liked him. He knew, and he liked her too. The break-up very much was to try things out with her. Perhaps the sex wasn't that good, or she made it clear she wasn't interested in going further with him. Maybe he had a cold dose of reality when it hit him what he'd done.

 

The problem now is even though he has cut her off, you two are still faced with the very significant question of his dishonesty and his fading attachment to you. Him turning to another girl while still with you is the sign of a much deeper crack in your relationship. His feelings for someone else might have been manageable, had he not acted on them. However, he did. He was willing to jeopardize everything to get close to this person. Speaking from personal experience, this doesn't usually result in happily ever after with the reconciled relationship.

He is and has been cheating all along but you need to decide if your attachment to him is worth putting up with that. His "long hours" were with other women, not work...and you know it.

I do have to wonder, if things had worked out with the other woman would he be begging you back?

He has quit his job so he wouldn’t be around her, he’s cut off communication with her, and he says he is fully committed to me.

- Good.

 

I want to make things work out but I need advice as to how to move on and forgive him and not build resentment.

 

- In relationships where one has cheated, sometimes the other person can get over it, sometimes they can't. It's a 50/50 chance, you might as well flip a coin.

 

If you want to stay together with him and see if you can get over it, it's going to take some time for you to get over it. And you will be in a foul mood and he's going to have to take it. Time is the great healer.

OP, I think what you're failing to consider is that your bf lacks integrity.

 

A person (him) can't learn to have integrity, it's part of their overall character. Which means next time he becomes infatuated with a woman, this will happen again.

 

What bothers me most is how he gaslighted you into believing this was essentially all in your head, that his "friendship" with her was innocent when in reality it was anything but.

 

My guess is after they had sex, she dumped him, after which he comes running back to you.

 

Sorry NOT buying what he told you, and neither should you. He's covering his ass plain and simple. He's a coward. Bottom of the barrel.

 

Yeah everyone makes mistakes but the way this all went down sounds very calculated and manipulative.

 

This will happen again OP, with another woman or perhaps even with her again; if you can live with that, then I wish you luck.

 

For me trust would be lost and when there is no trust you have nothing.

It may happen again if you two don't sit down and iron out a good set of romantic relationship boundaries that you both vow to adhere to. Boundaries that will keep you BOTH from fueling attraction to others rather than keeping an invisible boundary that won't foster it.

 

You say you want it to work so the first step to getting back the trust and then subsequently the emotional attachment you both had for one another is to start with forming those boundaries.

 

Not all cheaters will cheat again. If there is appropriate remorse, a lesson learned, boundaries formed and open and honest communication about issues and the ability to resolve them, then chances are good it won't happen again.

 

He had an emotional affair wherein he broke up with you before he took it to the physical which is a small show that he does have some integrity.

 

If you want to continue on with him then have that boundary talk because that security will give you the greatest chance of a good outcome.

Fair points TwT, I might even be inclined to agree had he not attempted to gaslight her, called her "crazy" when she questioned him, when in fact he was doing exactly what she suspected he was doing the entire time.

 

That is what I think is unforgivable and where he lacks integrity, imo.

 

Had he owned what was happening, and what he was feeling when she asked, instead of denying and calling her crazy, I agree strong communication and boundaries might save it.

 

JMO.

Fair points TwT, I might even be inclined to agree had he not attempted to gaslight her, called her "crazy" when she questioned him, when in fact he was doing exactly what she suspected he was doing the entire time.

Well most (all?) people will deny an attraction to someone else if their partner asks what's going on. A lot of times the person in the throes of an emotional affair don't admit this to even themselves until they are in up to their ...

 

That is what I think is unforgivable and where he lacks integrity, imo.

I've said it a million times that attraction to someone else can happen any time when there are no boundaries in place to keep us real. You yourself are currently flirting with the "wild side" with your ex doctor. I believe you are still with your boyfriend, no? You are attracted to the doc and you are letting down romantic relationship boundaries in the guise of "friendship." I suspect that your boyfriend wouldn't see it that way.

 

Since the OP wants to make this work then I'm just going to give her tools that will help her to do that. It may not work but I don't think her boyfriend has no integrity... I do think he has no romantic relationship boundaries? Or: He let them down when his work "buddy" showed him the attention on a regular basis. They fueled the attraction instead of using their boundaries to keep it a bay.

Yeah but my situation was a bit different because I only called my ex because he is a doctor when my own doctors were not helping me.

 

Had he not been a doctor I would not have called him, truth.

 

I did not have feelings for him prior to calling, and the truth is the feelings are gone now, as I suspected I was idealizing him due to his nurturing and helping me get better.

 

So a bit of a different situation than the OP's. No gaslighting or deception went down, no emotional cheating, he helped me get better and for that I am thankful.

 

We have not even spoken in a week.

 

Not to hijack but since you asked, yes my bf and I have talked and are sorting things out. :)

 

And he is actually happy I contacted my ex, very happy he was able to help me get better when my own doctors couldn't. Despite what I had thought, he was actually very worried!

 

Anyway that said I DO agree with your post that it's very rare when a partner will admit to an attraction, perhaps I was being hasty when saying he lacked integrity and it's an unforgivable offense.

 

Strong honest open communication is key as well as healthy boundaries, so if they can achieve that, then there is every chance they may be able to sort it out and regain trust. :)

Yeah but my situation was a bit different because I only called my ex because he is a doctor when my own doctors were not helping me.

You see how people deny their attraction and more time then not keep fueling that attraction and the lust and infatuation. Had you just called him, gotten his advice and then let it go, that would be one thing but you were contemplating being with him again and you saw him after you were on the mend.

 

Had he not been a doctor I would not have called him, truth.

Fair enough.

 

I did not have feelings for him prior to calling, and the truth is the feelings are gone now, as I suspected I was idealizing him due to his nurturing and helping me get better.

Imagine if you saw him everyday at work and that interaction was a constant. Then the chances are very high that you would be smitten and "the feelings wouldn't be gone."

 

So a bit of a different situation than the OP's. No gaslighting or deception went down, no emotional cheating, he helped me get better and for that I am thankful.

I suspect that there would have been some had your interaction with the doctor been fueled by him "being your friend" and the two of you having lots of one-on-one time together. However: you had the boundaries in place to stop hanging out with him or the hanging out stopped in any case No?

 

We have not even spoken in a week.

 

Not to hijack but since you asked, yes my bf and I have talked and are sorting things out. :)

 

And he is actually happy I contacted my ex, very happy he was able to help me get better when my own doctors couldn't.

Thing is, I doubt he'd be as happy if he knew of your attraction.

Despite what I had thought, he was actually very worried!

Glad you're doing okay too.

 

Anyway that said I DO agree with your post that it's very rare when a partner will admit to an attraction, perhaps I was being hasty when saying he lacked integrity and it's an unforgivable offense.

 

Strong honest open communication is key as well as healthy boundaries, so if they can achieve that, then there is every chance they may be able to sort it out and regain trust. :)

 

Sorry for making this about you, Katrina. I just thought that your situ was a great example for the Op and how to avoid her b/f (and her for that matter) falling into an emotional or physical affair again.

Thanks for being a good sport about it.

TWT, again I am not contemplating being with my ex, I actually never was, as I said my feelings were due to my idealizing him, they were fleeting, I kept to myself and they're gone now. I didn't deny them, they were there I own it, but again they were fleeting.

 

Calling my ex for "advice" would not have helped me get better, I needed actual help, diffferent meds, my own doctor had not returned my calls.

 

Anyway, not here to defend my actions, I did what was best for me and my health and I am grateful he was able to help and so is my bf.

 

I even owned to my bf I had started to develop an attraction, and believe it or not he understood it! I did not act on it, those feelings are gone now.

 

I love my bf very much and what's interesting is that this entire situation has brought us closer! And increased the intimacy between us!

 

Hope that clarifies! :)

No worries TWT, and thank you for your well wishes!

 

I am not all the way better yet :( but on my way, much improved for sure!!

 

What an ordeal!! Lol

No worries TWT, and thank you for your well wishes!

 

I am not all the way better yet :( but on my way, much improved for sure!!

 

What an ordeal!! Lol

I'm just getting over a lung infection myself. It's no picnic.

I'm just getting over a lung infection myself. It's no picnic.

 

Wow so sorry, so many folks I know got sick this year, not sure what's going on!

 

But glad you're on the mend too! Or mended.