Illogical and irrational and I can’t explain it

I’ll try and make this short.

We dated 8 years ago with a big age difference. She wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. We stayed close friends and were drawn to each other over and over again for brief periods of time, but never dated again. When she was about to turn 30 she asked me to marry her and I laughed it off because we weren’t even dating. She found another man and married him about two months later. She was miserable in her marriage - even though I wished her happiness, she never expressed any love for him and complained to her mother and me about him. He cheated on her early, and she tried to make it work. She likes to drink - she caught him having sex with her while she was sleeping/passed out and told him never to do it again. When he did, she left him. During their marriage, she underwent a full hysterectomy due to ovarian cancer. The marriage lasted a little more than a year.

While I had always held her at arms length due to her fear of commitment (she did marry him after knowing him for three weeks to beat the 30th Birthday deadline) I was encouraged by her efforts to make the marriage work and we began dating when she assured me she was older and wiser.

I am her oldest and best friend at this time. She doesn’t have friends from her childhood that she’s close with. She has a promiscuous past and a bit of a reputation, but we enjoy each other’s company a lot.

In the beginning, I am cautious but happy. As things progress, I see that she appears to be very happy and in love with me. We get engaged on my birthday with her parents blessing.

Suddenly she wants to slow things down. What? Become unengaged, or what? No, just slow down. Says she has unresolved feelings about her marriage to the cheating rapist (she described him as a rapist, not me). Red flags are going up and I’m not understanding what’s happening but I go along.

She is on antidepressants and runs out of pills before her new insurance kicks in. I see her becoming increasingly depressed and then it happens. She writes me a beautiful letter telling me how amazing I am. The next day she says leave me alone and cries in bed all day. The next day she is over the top loud and happy and obnoxious at the bar. We both get drunk. When we come home (she moved in next door to me) she says she’s going to bed. Then I get a text asking if she’ll see me again tonight. I’ll be there in 5 minutes I say. She says no, her friend wants her to go get drunk. I’m pissed - she’s already drunk and it’s midnight and she gets super wasted sometimes and I don’t trust her to know where she is let alone who is pawing at her. She Uber’s to her friends house and I send ty texts all night asking if she’s ok and where is she and how crappy it was to invite me over only to leave me hanging. I’m not usually a mad drunk but I was that night.

Next day, no return calls or texts and I’m stewing. When she gets home, I try to talk to her and she says I can’t control her and she’ll never change. Then she screams at me and talks to me like I’m nothing. I lose it and scream it’s over demand my ring (don’t take it) and storm out. I had hoped for her to be apolgetic and wasn’t ready for this. I didn’t want to say the words I was saying but I did.

Went for a drive to clear my head and called my cousin. Within 20 minutes I’m pulling back into the driveway —- and there is ex husbands truck. This is five weeks ago and she has refused to speak to me or see me since. I send texts trying to undo the damage but she doesn’t want to hear it.

When her mom found out what happened, she said oh no - she’s loved you forever. Don’t give up so easy. If you want it to work, it will. She’s had nothing but praise for you for all these years.

The ex husband offered her a job paying her an outrageous amount for the work she’s doing. He’s staying the night NEXT DOOR 3x a week or more.

I never said a word and I watched it all happen. I gave her time and space and figured she’d figure it all out. Two days ago we finally talk for the first time. I tell her I love her, she says I love you too. I tell her I miss her, she says I miss you too. I kiss her on the mouth and she barely responds but doesn’t pull away. I ask why are things this way and she says “I don’t get dumped”.

Her mom says give it time and she’ll see what she’s doing. I think being off the medication led to this but isn’t solely responsible. She’s always made clear how much she loves and respects me. This couldn’t be more disrespectful and I can’t figure out why it’s happening.

It’s a nightmare to look outside and see that truck parked next door.

 

Her mom says give it time and she’ll see what she’s doing. I think being off the medication led to this but isn’t solely responsible. She’s always made clear how much she loves and respects me. This couldn’t be more disrespectful and I can’t figure out why it’s happening.

 

It’s a nightmare to look outside and see that truck parked next door.

Consider this a blessing even though it doesn't appear that way now.

And you wrote so just here ^ Her words don't match her actions and this is so far from loving. It's hateful, heartless and cruel.

Don't listen to Mom. She's an enabler and looking out for her daughter . .at your expense.

She's turned her back on you twice now and says just enough keep you on a shelf so she can take you down at her convenience.

I get it hurts now, but you will look back and be thankful.

She's his problem, not yours.

I agree with Reinvent. This relationship is a mess.

Unless you are unnaturally drawn to drama, I'd begin the healing process immediately and go NC and much as possible. It's pure insanity and shows no signs of changing.

And yes. Stop listening to her mom.

Her mom's hoping to shove her problem (her unstable daughter) off onto you so she won't have to deal with her anymore.

Not very nice, no?

(I'm sure you'll say this isn't true.)

Sorry for the confusion and the pain.

To not mince words, this sounds like a deeply unstable person and, in your shoes, I'd be doing some real soul-searching as to what's drawing you to this. Is it the feeling of being someone's savior? Is it the sense of strength that comes from being the safe space for a broken bird? Is it the shape of her body?

Explore those questions—instead of trying to decode her—and you might discover some unstable clusters of cells inside yourself that could use some attention.

Given how long you've known her, as well as your own history with her, none of this should really be a surprise. Yeah, she told you she's older and wiser, but words are hollow and her actions say otherwise, especially everything you describe about her marriage. That she got into that dumpster fire, let alone tried to make it work—well, none of that speaks to maturity so much as instability. That she's still tangled up with him—well, ditto. That her mother is out there doing her bidding—oof.

I'm not saying all this to negate her feelings for you, or the special place you have in her life. Still, it sounds like she has no idea who she is, no idea how to be alone, and along the way has absorbed some real trauma that she doesn't have under control. Trying to be the salve to another's trauma is never a sustainable foundation—no, you just enable instability, as you've discovered. Great early, then great in spurts, then devastating, ultimately draining and dizzying.

Rather than giving her time and space, I think you'd be wise to give yourself some real time and space. Let this go, which I think is something you needed to do long ago but never quite did, and tune into yourself. You're knotted up in something toxic and need to figure out why. A therapist will help you, at this juncture, far more than she can and probably ever will.

Cut her out of your life! She is emotionally unstable and a total mind fu$k!

You need to address your co dependent ways. What draws you to this toxic dynamic? How much more does she have to disrespect you?

Her mom's hoping to shove her problem (her unstable daughter) off onto you so she won't have to deal with her anymore.

 

Not very nice, no?

 

(I'm sure you'll say this isn't true.)

 

For sure not true, as she wants her to come home every weekend for a visit, but I would agree that she sees me as the best hope for her daughter to land a decent man. I was thrown off by all of this - had not thought her capable of it (especially to me), but mom did not seem terribly surprised. I don’t think mom has any ill intent, but certainly misguided and definitely looking out for daughter more so than me.

Oh, I’m in therapy now (4th session today). Signed up immediately. I think I’ll be fine once I wrap my head around it. It’s difficult to believe based on our history. I already know that saying you can forgive something like this would be exponentially easier than actually walking through it, especially when you know it’s likely to happen again. My plan is to be healed up in time to be able to walk away when she does come back around, which she inevitably will. It hurts now and it will for a while, but I will get through it and she won’t get another opportunity to do it again.

Thank you. Your response is exactly why I posted here. I intend to get through this without taking her back because I do think there will be a time when she comes back around. I treated her too well - I do know that if I couldn’t make her happy with the efforts I made, there is no way to do it. I don’t think she loves herself at all - and sometimes I wonder how well I love myself when I let myself get into and continue feeling for her in this mess.

You've involved yourself with a walking train wreck, and you somehow expected a good outcome from that?

Choose your friends carefully.

This woman is a train wreck and has serious issues that have nothing to do with you. I was drawn to a train wreck cluster B narcissist and even allowed her to use me for years after I was discarded. For me, a big part of it was that I wanted to heal her and fix her and it made me forgive unforgivable actions. Stop making her the focus and start focusing on what’s wrong with you that you’re drawn to a person like this.