I made a stupid decision and it has cost me everything

I broke up with my girlfriend (who I loved at the time and still do) 10 months ago. We had been in a relationship for almost 4 years, and were good friends for almost 3 years before that. We got along really well, had common interests and shared each others problems. Her voice was therapeutic to me after a long day, and I like to think she liked to hear me too.

The thing was, our situation was a little complicated (or I thought it was?). She wanted me to speak to our parents about marriage. At the time, I was going through deep stress since my family was in a financial crisis (still is). On top of that, my girlfriend and I belong to different religions, and its an issue where we live (huge chance of our families disowning us). I tried to tell her that I was not in a situation to make any commitments and that I needed time, but she was ready to sacrifice everything. I just couldn't make a commitment to her without a clear head, just to keep her around. She took that as cold feet and we had a few arguments.

Now what my stupid brain thought was that I should break up with her so that she can have a better life without someone who's in such a situation and all the other family related issues. I kind of thought that just to help her move on, I should be mean to her. And oh boy, was I mean. My stupid head thought that if she'd hate me, it'd be easier to move on. I, on the other hand, thought that I'd live with the pain of not getting to be with the love of my life, forever. The break up was bad ( I didn't even meet her in person because I couldn't see her cry), but at the time I thought it was the best for her ( I know, it's stupid. I realize that now!). After the breakup, I tried keeping my self occupied, but I used to take frequent updates from my best friend to see how she was doing and to help her out to get through things.

10 months zoomed past. During these 10 months, not one day went by when I did not think of her. Every morning I woke up, she was the first thought in my head. Everything I did, reminded me of her. I was living a hollow life. I had given up on the most important person in my life. I messaged her the day I was not able to take it anymore. After a few days of her ignoring me, and me pestering her, she finally spoke to me. I found out that what I did affected her really bad. She was even hospitalized because of weakness. My friend (who I was taking updates from) did not tell me about it because she told him not to.

I've been a mess ever since I found out. I am unable to deal with the fact that I have done something so horrible to the person I love. On top of that, she hates me. The sight of me makes her want to throw up, but I'm in love with her. I want to make amends. I know it was wrong of me to make the decision of breaking up on behalf of both of us.

I begged and cried in front of her to give me a chance to correct this but she refused. She said she can't trust me anymore. And I don't blame her. She still hasn't completely recovered from the trauma but she doesn't have the mental energy to invest anymore. Again, I don't blame her. But I'm so madly in love with her. Those 10 months of no-contact did not work at all. I know I'm being a bit selfish here, but I want her back so bad. I have sorted out the parents issue but she doesn't want anything to do with me.

Please help! This has been driving me crazy!

P.S. Even though she hates me, she suggested me this place and asked me to pour my heart out, saying that it helped her as well. How can someone be so nice to the person they hate?

Aside from the context of religion and stupidity, finances are important. It empowers individuals with more options and frees up your other resources (time and love/energies) for other causes. Focus on your finances and boost your resources. Your priorities are a little off.

You're over-consumed by this other person. I'd suggest you take a step back and stop swirling around in this hot soup of nonsense. Be kinder to yourself. This means take care of yourself. You made the decision you felt was best at the time. Stop beating yourself up over it and restart your life. Don't ever contact her again. By doing so you are acknowledging what you have done and you're being responsible (fully responsible, not half baked responsible) for your actions. ALL of it.

This isn't driving you crazy. You are driving yourself crazy. You have every power to stop this from consuming you. Start today.

In some way you are going to have to have a meeting with your parents and hers to tell them you want to marry her. If you don't go forward with marriage then there is no reason for you to pursue her any further. I say this because this isn't about her hating you, it's about commitment. YOU need to prove to her the sacrifice you are going to make for her.

Like pretty much everything in life, we must live with the consequences of our decisions. Torturing yourself won't do any good to anyone.

The damage is done and you cannot get her back. As soon as you understand this, your moving on process will begin

Think back to the 10 months you have been obsessing about this, is this how you want to continue living???

Let her be, let her heal, you continuing to contact her is not benefiting anyone

I understand you are dealing with a lot of guilt due to her health incident, in this case, you should seek some counseling, read some self help books on that because, again, you are only damaging yourself

Keep moving forward... never backwards... you'll get there

 

P.S. Even though she hates me, she suggested me this place and asked me to pour my heart out, saying that it helped her as well. How can someone be so nice to the person they hate?

So, she's a participant here on ENA?

Are you looking for advise how to move on or win her back?

Others have done the same and their motives for posting on the same website are usually suspect.

What do you mean you settled the problem with the parents? Are they now willing to over-look the religious differences and give you their blessings to marry her? If they are then it makes me wonder why you didn't take this situation to them first before "being mean to her" and "causing a breakup?" Its almost as if you really didn't want to marry her.

If they aren't or haven't given their blessing then its best that she's not in your life anymore and you go zero contact (which includes telling your friend not to give you updates on her) and start the mental process that will get you over her and to the stage of indifference.

Winning her back is a ship that has since sailed. It's a no go. Trust is a major issue in ALL relationships and once trust had been irrevocably broken, it's very difficult if not impossible to regain. I don't want to be the bearer of bad news. However, I speak from experience so I know exactly how it feels to lose trust in people. No one wants to get burned again. People never forget it and we avoid repeated pain at all costs. It is human nature.

All you can do now is grow up and mature. Be realistic. When certain circumstances get in the way of life such as money / financial hardship, religion and those types of very important concerns, naturally it affects relationships in a negative, complicated way. Even marriage commitment will not cure these serious issues because these problems will never magically disappear.

People are obviously quite content when money and religion are not serious worries and they have a lot in common which boils down to financial security, stability and shared, same faith. Most people whom I know can relate because they have many basics in common. It stands to reason.

Learn from your mistakes, be with people or a person who is similar to you across the board. Treat them with ultimate respect always and don't experiment by playing mind games. Be honest and up front from the very beginning. If that approach doesn't work for you, then you'll know the relationship wasn't meant to be. Realize that your actions and words have harsh consequences. Or, it can go the other way and have either a positive outcome or at least an honest one.

Consider this bad experience as wisdom gained and know what to do and what not to do in the future. This is what life and relationships teach you. Live and learn.

Leave her alone. Don't snoop about her life through your friend, social media or the Internet. Let her go so she can heal her wounded heart and so you can have a fresh, clear headed, non distracted brain. That right there is the biggest, most selfless favor or "gift" you can give her and yourself. You need to make amends in your heart by doing the right, honorable thing. Let her go so she can move on as can you.

Even though you have deep regrets and feelings of remorse, don't think this was all in vain. Learn from your mistakes, get up and brush yourself off. Think long and hard for days, weeks and months regarding how you can become a very decent human being starting today and in your future. You will find happiness because you'll take a negative experience and transform it into navigating yourself intelligently and very wisely in the future. All the best to you.

So, she's a participant here on ENA?

 

Are you looking for advise how to move on or win her back?

Others have done the same and their motives for posting on the same website are usually suspect.

She is the one who suggested me to post here in the first place, so no, this is not an underhanded move to try and get her back. She already knows now, whatever I've posted here.

I've posted here because I was told it would help me deal with this. I've been a mess as I've already mentioned and it is affecting her as well, which is the last thing I want.

What do you mean you settled the problem with the parents? Are they now willing to over-look the religious differences and give you their blessings to marry her? If they are then it makes me wonder why you didn't take this situation to them first before "being mean to her" and "causing a breakup?" Its almost as if you really didn't want to marry her.

 

If they aren't or haven't given their blessing then its best that she's not in your life anymore and you go zero contact (which includes telling your friend not to give you updates on her) and start the mental process that will get you over her and to the stage of indifference.

Yes, after they saw me living the way I did, they have given me their blessing. I broke down in front of them a couple of time, and I guess no parent wants to see their child like that. But its too late now. She has been traumatized by the incident and me contacting her just hurts her now. I don't want to hurt her more than I already have but I'm not able forget her. I love her too much.

Winning her back is a ship that has since sailed. It's a no go. Trust is a major issue in ALL relationships and once trust had been irrevocably broken, it's very difficult if not impossible to regain. I don't want to be the bearer of bad news. However, I speak from experience so I know exactly how it feels to lose trust in people. No one wants to get burned again. People never forget it and we avoid repeated pain at all costs. It is human nature.

 

All you can do now is grow up and mature. Be realistic. When certain circumstances get in the way of life such as money / financial hardship, religion and those types of very important concerns, naturally it affects relationships in a negative, complicated way. Even marriage commitment will not cure these serious issues because these problems will never magically disappear.

 

People are obviously quite content when money and religion are not serious worries and they have a lot in common which boils down to financial security, stability and shared, same faith. Most people whom I know can relate because they have many basics in common. It stands to reason.

 

Learn from your mistakes, be with people or a person who is similar to you across the board. Treat them with ultimate respect always and don't experiment by playing mind games. Be honest and up front from the very beginning. If that approach doesn't work for you, then you'll know the relationship wasn't meant to be. Realize that your actions and words have harsh consequences. Or, it can go the other way and have either a positive outcome or at least an honest one.

 

Consider this bad experience as wisdom gained and know what to do and what not to do in the future. This is what life and relationships teach you. Live and learn.

 

Leave her alone. Don't snoop about her life through your friend, social media or the Internet. Let her go so she can heal her wounded heart and so you can have a fresh, clear headed, non distracted brain. That right there is the biggest, most selfless favor or "gift" you can give her and yourself. You need to make amends in your heart by doing the right, honorable thing. Let her go so she can move on as can you.

 

Even though you have deep regrets and feelings of remorse, don't think this was all in vain. Learn from your mistakes, get up and brush yourself off. Think long and hard for days, weeks and months regarding how you can become a very decent human being starting today and in your future. You will find happiness because you'll take a negative experience and transform it into navigating yourself intelligently and very wisely in the future. All the best to you.

I was told something similar by my friend. I did what I thought was right back then, and again I'm doing what I feel like, not taking her feelings into account. I realize I've been quite selfish here, and I need to give her what she needs now, and that is time, to heal her self. She was one my girlfriend and my best friend. Maybe someday, I'll at least get my best friend back.

In some way you are going to have to have a meeting with your parents and hers to tell them you want to marry her. If you don't go forward with marriage then there is no reason for you to pursue her any further. I say this because this isn't about her hating you, it's about commitment. YOU need to prove to her the sacrifice you are going to make for her.

I was sure back then, I am sure right now, that she's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. Back then, I only needed time to see if I was not making such a big decision in haste. We were only 24 back when it happened, and I was not entirely sure of my decision making capabilities.

Yes, she is a human with feelings, not a ping pong ball you can bounce back and forth when the whim strikes you.

I'm glad you've realized you have been and are currently being selfish and not considering how your actions affect her.

If she wants you to leave her alone...you leave her alone. This whole "But, but, but, I WANT her!!!" serves you, not her. If someday she chooses to reach out to you, then terrific! But is has to be HER decision, not something you badger or manipulate or guilt her into doing.

Since you have been broken up for 10 months, be aware that if she had any love left (probably not), it's probably gone now. Despite what you see in TV and Movies, people rarely get back together again. We call them breakups because they are broken.

Yes, she is a human with feelings, not a ping pong ball you can bounce back and forth when the whim strikes you.

 

I'm glad you've realized you have been and are currently being selfish and not considering how your actions affect her.

 

If she wants you to leave her alone...you leave her alone. This whole "But, but, but, I WANT her!!!" serves you, not her. If someday she chooses to reach out to you, then terrific! But is has to be HER decision, not something you badger or manipulate or guilt her into doing.

Yeah, I agree. I have messaged her that I'm genuinely sorry for what I've done, and that I was being selfish. I know apologies aren't enough and that I'll let my actions prove it. I won't contact her again because it bothers her and that she can contact me in the future, IF she ever feels like it. She doesn't have to, she doesn't owe me anything.

My family and friends were very worried about me, the way I have been depressed. I need to think about them as well. I also need to work on myself to be a better person. I know what I did was wrong. I have apologized countless of times and I have beating myself over it for far too long. Now I need to respect her wishes and leave her alone. We'll end up together if we were meant to.

Since you have been broken up for 10 months, be aware that if she had any love left (probably not), it's probably gone now. Despite what you see in TV and Movies, people rarely get back together again. We call them breakups because they are broken.

I know what you are saying is true in most cases. But I have seen people get back together after a bad breakup and are still together, although these cases are rare.

I have genuinely apologized for my mistake and now I'm respecting her wishes by not contacting hee. If we were meant to be together, we will end up together. Otherwise, it'll be a lesson learnt. No matter how bad I feel about it, or how much I love her, it's not in my hands anymore.