Should your sister really be your best friend?

Hi! Gonna try getting this as short as possible. I will really appreciate all input. I've been best friends with my sister a big part of my life. But a few years back she just quit answering my calls, text, and would never call back. She got a new friend (which I was happy about, no bad feelings because we had an unbreakable bond) and it was when she started seeing this new friend she dissapeared on me. A few months later my life got really difficult because of my anxiety getting worse. I fell into servere depression.I would tell her how I felt and I how I just wanted some support and someone to talk to now and then. But she couldn't understand, she just said she cant help me, that she has her own life to live. That she just didn't feel like talking and that was that. She realized her ways when her friend then used her and was straight up mean to her. And told me she was so sorry she weren't there for me in my worst times. I'm still depressed but not as severe and she got a boyfriend a few months back and the same thing is repeating. Stopped answering calls and text, would never hear from her. Even if I said I felt like and just needed someone to talk to. When I tell her she now turns it around on me for being needy. That calling once a week is too much, that she dosnt like small talk on the phone but when her boyfriend calls she answers immediately and shes always on her phone. I'm really independent and I learned to be that even more from when she dissapeared on me last time. To depend on me and me only. But I'm human and i just wanna talk with my bestfriend when I'm sad. I would drop everything, if it meant making her happy. When she is sad and calls I do all I can to make her feel better, even if it means putting her needs in front of mine. I'd litterly take a bullet for her. So I'm wondering what should I do? am I just needy? Mind we rarely see eachother anymore. I'm a bit of a loner and she has practically been all I have all my life. All I care for. What should I do? Forget about her and move on with life? Am I too needy? What am i missing? It all feels so toxic as she would never do for me as I for her. I don't know what to do.

You can't control people but you can control how you react to them.

Leave her to live her life and work on making your life better for you. If you are sad and depressed evaluate your surroundings and situation and make a change a little at a time. I've been through similar things with family that brought me down to the point that I felt like I just had a depressed soul and no one really cared about me but now that I have let all that baggage go I am happier than I've ever been.

Clearly, your sister’s priority is her boyfriend. Which is ok. The issue starts when you cling to your sister and you don’t let her go. You cling to her so much that you suffocate her. She even told you that she has her own life to live, which is fairly true. She has to form a new family now with some guy etc.

Life is a process. In the course of their lives, people change and so change the relationships they have with others. Your sister has changed. Your relationship with her has changed, but you remain stuck into how your relationship was in the past.

Give your sister space to breath. Surround yourself with people who meet your needs. Those people may change in the course of your life, because life is a process.

No shoulds just because you're related. My sister is one of my best friends and we adore each other to pieces. She barely spoke to me -or civilly if she did- till I was about 13 years old (she is about 5 years older). And we had some rough spots along the way. But I never felt "should". Neither did she. We're very very different. Sometimes I feel so frustrated with her I want to tear my hair out and I love her to the moon and back. Both are true. But not because we're related. Yes I personally feel more responsibility/obligation because we are related and we make sure to keep in touch with our mother and let each other know that she is ok if needed - but as far as obligation to be close? No.

Thx all. I really appreciate you taking the time! A bit eye opening even tho it's almost obvious and still not. I just want to make clear that I wouldn't agree with me being clingy. Or I guess that depends on how you see it. We have always had our separate lifes, but always helped eachother when needed, I didn't ask for more than a talk, just as she did when she needed someone, but she just couldn't do that back for me when she found someone else that could be there for her. Life is truly a process and it's easy to forget I guess.. I just always thought family was the ones that would never leave. thx again!

Thx all. I really appreciate you taking the time! A bit eye opening even tho it's almost obvious and still not. I just want to make clear that I wouldn't agree with me being clingy. Or I guess that depends on how you see it. We have always had our separate lifes, but always helped eachother when needed, I didn't ask for more than a talk, just as she did when she needed someone, but she just couldn't do that back for me when she found someone else that could be there for her. Life is truly a process and it's easy to forget I guess.. I just always thought family was the ones that would never leave. thx again!

I don't think you're doing anything wrong. It's not wrong to miss a sibling. They are the closest people to us anyway and often the only people who've known us from our childhood in its entirety. I have no sisters at all but close female friends that have been like surrogate sisters. I have two brothers and I have also felt similar feelings as what you've felt early on when we went our separate ways and began to have different commitments.

I'd say maintain your distance and leave the gap inbetween fluid and easy-going. No one likes to feel like they have to keep in touch with you because they have to. You mentioned you are independent. So am I but yes, I have missed my brothers at times too. Try to make peace with the fact that just because you have your own lives it doesn't mean that you all love each other any less or forget that you have blood ties or are loyal to each other as a family. Feel blessed and confident in that. Things will also even out as you get older.

Thx all. I really appreciate you taking the time! A bit eye opening even tho it's almost obvious and still not. I just want to make clear that I wouldn't agree with me being clingy. Or I guess that depends on how you see it. We have always had our separate lifes, but always helped eachother when needed, I didn't ask for more than a talk, just as she did when she needed someone, but she just couldn't do that back for me when she found someone else that could be there for her. Life is truly a process and it's easy to forget I guess.. I just always thought family was the ones that would never leave. thx again!

I don't think you're being clingy. I think in movies/ certain books there are notions of family being this idyllic relationship where people never leave. In reality it just depends- all it means is you are related in some way by blood, marriage, adoption, whatever. It's nice if you're also close and have things in common but I find it's much more realistic -and not cynical -simply to see family as individual people who are related to you in some way. As with everyone you may have things in common with some and not others.

Wow, this has helped me understand so much more than I thought It would. I now see it in a completely different light. Very grateful for all of you taking the time to answer, really helped me. I will try to find some more meaningful relationship where what's given will be replicated back. And accept the notion that life changes and so does people no matter if you want it or not. Baah as I said, it's so obvious but still I didn't realize. She will always be my bestfriend and sister, just not in the ways it always has been. Much love to you all ❤

OP, do you have any other friends apart from your sister? It seems you're relying on her too much? I understand the bond between sisters, but that doesn't have to automatically mean that they have to be there for us at every turn. She's also got her own life to live and not just a life which revolves around her sister.

Recam, Siblings just like friends are at different stages in their lives. Also, just like people we have our own set of friends and unique dynamics with parents.

Like you, I too prefer to have a close sister relationship with my sister but some people including sisters simply do not want to be bothered. Yes, we're deemed needy, clingy and insecure. It's a sad fact of life that often times siblings drift apart to the point of becoming only mere acquaintances at best, only get together for traditional, major holidays if that and develop their own separate lives.

I think you should back off and give her a wide berth. Your sister wants to focus on her boyfriend so give her time and space. Either she'll come around someday or you'll have an acquaintance in your life for holidays only just like me.

What you should do is to get a life of your own with your own friends, perhaps be close to your mother, immerse yourself into focusing on your physical health (exercise daily), diet and concentrate on your life. This is what I do. If you have time for hobbies, do that. Become your own person. Become secure within yourself and you won't feel the need to be close to your sister just like how I feel nowadays. You ought to try it. Eventually, you'll feel numb and 'blah' regarding your previous longing and yearning for a sister relationship. I'm at the point where I couldn't care less which means I've since built self confidence, high self esteem and security. At first, it feels lonely but over the course of the next several weeks, you'll feel good enough about yourself where you won't need your sister in order to feel complete or whole. Since you are really independent, take it to a whole new other level and be comfortable within your own skin.

Enforce healthy boundaries with your sister. You be in the driver's seat and you steer the ship in the relationship. You be in control of the relationship because it feels quite liberating and gratifying. Reduce electronic communication to the bare minimum, remain polite, cordial, well-mannered and respectful but don't get chummy. Why do you think acquaintances get along so great? It's because there is no communication intimacy which can backfire. Keep your correspondence light and polite. Back off a lot and don't bother her. Don't make yourself too available otherwise you'll either sound like a nag or you'll bore her. She will take notice that you are secure when you learn to enjoy your own life without her in it. Sure, be nice once in a while but maintain a safe distance. Your security will show. It's beautiful thing.

No matter if it's a boyfriend, best friend, sister, etc., if you make that person the sole center of your social life, they will feel smothered and escape your grasp. If you have anxiety and depression, talk to a therapist. It's okay to share pain and sadness with a friend or family member now and then, but if it's overdone, the person will get tired of that subject matter and avoid you.

I never label anyone my best friend, as I know of the evolution of friendships and they sometimes fade or end. Try joining a club to meet people who share a hobby/passion with you, because as the cliche goes, never put all your eggs in one basket. When you have a handful of friends, if one friend walks away, it won't be devastating because yo will still have a support system with other people in your life. If your sister sees you enjoying life and the company of others, she might be drawn back into your life since she can share in your joy and not be the sole reason for your joy. Take care.

If your sister sees you enjoying life and the company of others, she might be drawn back into your life since she can share in your joy and not be the sole reason for your joy.

Love this part. The key concept being ..sharing. Sharing joy. Perhaps even adding to and sharing that joy together. What's better than that?

Do you have any other friends? How old are you? :) Your sister is just living her life as she should that's all. No matter what she'll always be your sister, but you've got to live your own lives separately...

Standing ovAtion for Andrina! I'd like to highlight these parts:

No matter if it's a boyfriend, best friend, sister, etc., if you make that person the sole center of your social life, they will feel smothered and escape your grasp.

So true. You cannot guilt anyone into WANTING to be with you. People run toward pleasure, and away from pain. Suffocation is painful, and trying to embed another person as your lifeline is a suffocating thing to do.

My sister and I cycle in and out of one another's lives. We've built our own social circles, and while there may be occasional overlap, most of my friends only know my sister in passing or have never met her.

I never label anyone my best friend, as I know of the evolution of friendships and they sometimes fade or end.

Yes. With maturity comes diffusion of our focus on any one person. Our days of hoarding a bestie are over in grade school unless you're an evolved child who never did that to anyone. As adults it's up to us to form different kinds and degrees of friendships that meet different needs. So your tennis friend might be lousy at conversation, your movie friend might only be able to talk about films, your workout friend might not share your politics, and the person in whom you confide most might hate crowds and never go to parties or events with you.

It's all about respecting the limits of others and finding one shared piece of ground on which you can form a lightweight bond. Most friends will remain acquaintances, while a few might evolve over time into a larger scope of simpatico. This is why there's a saying about being able to count true friendships over a lifetime on one hand--and even those closest to us will go through cycles of evolution where our paths diverge for months or years until we reunite again on more solid ground.

If your sister sees you enjoying life and the company of others, she might be drawn back into your life since she can share in your joy and not be the sole reason for your joy. Take care.

Bravo! Build your own life so that sis won't regard you as a dependent to escape. Over time, she'll grow proud FOR you as you grow proud of yourself for building your own life beyond her. This will make it easier for her to start including you in her life, because she won't fear that you'll stick to her like glue with no other sources of enjoyment or other outlets for your sorrows.

Allow for cycles. Sis is busy building her own life, so let her serve as a model for you as you build yours. Over time this will make you happier and less of a threat to sister's happiness.

Head high, you can do this.

I dont, im a introvert who keep my circle small. I have a hard time connecting with people. And among my small circle not many of them lives here anymore or have gotten boy/girlfriends. Ive never felt lonely, until now. I love playing my games all the time, but now i have noone when i want to socialise. Your right, it seems I have been relying on her to much.

I'm 24. I dont, im a introvert who keep my circle small. I have a hard time connecting with people. And among my small circle not many of them lives here anymore or have gotten boy/girlfriends. Ive never felt lonely, until now. I love playing my games all the time, but now i have noone when i want to socialise.

I'm 24. I dont, im a introvert who keep my circle small. I have a hard time connecting with people. And among my small circle not many of them lives here anymore or have gotten boy/girlfriends. Ive never felt lonely, until now. I love playing my games all the time, but now i have noone when i want to socialise.

If you have a small circle and some people leave, then add another person. You say you socialize, so you are capable of friendships.

I dont, im a introvert who keep my circle small. I have a hard time connecting with people. And among my small circle not many of them lives here anymore or have gotten boy/girlfriends. Ive never felt lonely, until now. I love playing my games all the time, but now i have noone when i want to socialise. Your right, it seems I have been relying on her to much.

I have been done wrong by so many people that I keep my circle small purposely. You need to find a true friend to take your sister's place, but only put faith in yourself and God(if you believe in God).

People are human and some can be outright evil and take all they can from you. Avoid those type of people at all cost.

You may be better off without your sister in the end. You are a great person with emotions and feelings your sister don't understand.

So my short story is, I lost my girlfriend to cancer. Since then, I've been meeting women, looking for a new love of my life. I haven't found that yet, but two women I have met in the course of dating, have become my BFF's! And I still get to date other women in a effort to find love.

Get more friends, more best friends (you can have more than one) - heck, you could even throw a boyfriend in there if you want to!

Don't rely on just one person to be your world.