Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 7 1234 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 68

Thread: Did I handle this wrong? Drugs use by stepson

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    colorado
    Age
    47
    Posts
    8
    Gender
    Male

    Did I handle this wrong? Drugs use by stepson

    My rule in the house and my wife knows this is no drug use at our house (in or out). We each have kids from other marriages. My step-son (he's 17) has been drugged up many times and my wife does little to deal with it. One night the whole house stunk of it and when I went to the kitchen he was drugged up. Now I had my kids at the house as well (teenagers) and I don't want them to think this behavior is acceptable. My wife said she will deal with it in the morning which to be honest would be nothing or not much. I started telling him to not smoke that stuff etc. My wife came out and was angry and wanted us to drop it and wait until the morning but too late cause I'm upset and have to deal with this. My wife was upset that I was yelling at his son (and I'm sure it wasn't the best time to talk to him on this but again I'm upset) and she starts hitting me. Her other son comes in to see what's going on. The drugged step son threatens me like "you want to go" and comes at me but his brother pushes him away twice so he doesn't get to me. I call the kid a loser which angers my wife and she starts hitting me again. Note I don't touch anyone. I take her to the bedroom and tell her he needs to leave. My thought is I don't need this drugged up disrespectful kid in my house - who knows what he will do. My wife says if he goes then I go. I have no choice cause I don't trust this kid and just want him out. So she leaves with the two sons. The next day she is upset because I don't check on her. I couldn't because I was so in shock that my wife didn't back me up on this, hit me, and acted the way she did. I knew she ok with her sons. She was also upset because a few days I didn't want him at the house but after about a week he came back. Of course he never apologized to me at all. That was 10 months ago and my wife is still upset and says she may never forgive me for this. She knows she has to goto a counselor and wants to she says but she was given counselor names 3 months ago and has done nothing. She made it clear she loves her children more than me etc. But I'm thinking she can't forgive me and why do I even to be forgiven - didn't I do what a father should to protect and address the situation...shouldn't I be able to hold up the rules of the house. Thoughts? What do you all think? Seems like she's going to throw away our marriage on this? Anyway I'm going to see a counselor to help me on this but would like to know your thoughts. Thanks J

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    1,124
    Gender
    Female
    What did you hope the outcome would be? I suspect your wife isn't annoyed with you about your opinions. She's annoyed with your temper or ill timing.

    Your concerns about the kids are valid but I think both of you are not on the same page(your wife and you) and your approaches are vastly different which causes confusion for the whole family. Why did you marry this woman if you knew about her son and the drugs? Did you know about him on drugs when you were dating your wife? If not, why didn't she tell you? If he started recently, it also begs the question why he doesn't have a reasonably good relationship with you and why he doesn't respect you. You can see how this still relates to your relationship with the kids and your relationship with your wife. It's all connected and you should take responsibility for your relationships with them.

    Try to think about it with a cooler head and come to some options as a family on how to deal with this together. Speak with your wife about it. It's not acceptable that she or any number of the kids had to leave the house at night.

  3. #3
    Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2019
    Posts
    21
    I disagree with the person above, I'm sorry but first off she HIT him! that is abuse regardless of the gender, and if she was hitting him, the husband had every right if he wanted her to leave. Also his step-son threatened to hit him as well. Violence of any kind is not okay so yes if someone threatened to hurt me/already did then....
    Also you're right, you have other kids in the house and if this person is being disrespectful then it needs to be addressed.
    I do agree that a relationship and parenting ground needs to be established between the family to make it work but it isn't uncommon for step children to not respect their step parent. Usually they feel bitterness towards them.
    My advice is getting counseling for the whole family and establish communication.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Posts
    1,922
    If the situation is as you say it is, I say, be done with the whole lot of them.

    Your wife was hitting you? Your stepson indulging in drugs in the house?

    Do no take them back. protect the nondruggie kids in the house.

    You do not need a wife who hits you to protect a druggie's drug use.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2019
    Posts
    21
    Originally Posted by jimthzz
    If the situation is as you say it is, I say, be done with the whole lot of them.

    Your wife was hitting you? Your stepson indulging in drugs in the house?

    Do no take them back. protect the nondruggie kids in the house.

    You do not need a wife who hits you to protect a druggie's drug use.
    100% agree

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    1,124
    Gender
    Female
    If the OP was so threatened by her hitting him, he would have been the one to call the cops and leave the house. He didn't and stayed. Obviously he didn't feel threatened enough to react to her "hitting" him. I don't condone violence of any kind but I think calling a 17 year old a loser when he is clearly under the influence is not going help the situation and the OP played an active role in escalating the issues. I don't agree with the behaviour of your wife either, make no mistake, but these issues go both ways.

  8. #7

    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    colorado
    Age
    47
    Posts
    8
    Gender
    Male
    I think you all bring good insights on this and Rose I think you have the perspective of my wife down very well - so thank you for providing feedback here. And thank you Hopeful and Jim as well! If my son was threatening my wife all drugged up I would remove him. I'm sorry but I did not feel safe when he threaten me and I had my other kids to think about. He may have done nothing but stay in his room but I couldn't chance that. He is not my son so he does not respect me and frankly has issues with a lot of people. Also, even with bad timing I should be able to have say in my house when there's an issue. I have the entire family to take care of and it's stressful enough - safety first. Let me ask you this, is someone was threatening you and drugged would you stay or go? This kid ended up arrested a few months after for drugs and attempted robbery. I know where I went wrong in this situation but I'm going to get professional advice and guidance as well. I tried to really co-parent but with my wife's guilt from base decisions she decided to ignore what we agreed upon (no drug use at our home) and work out a deal where as long as he smoked it in the yard. I didn't know this or would have agreed to this. This situation is very complicated with my wife because she has a lot of guilt etc. I just don't see how this is so big that our marriage won't last over this. It was 10 months ago and she has yet to see a counselor. He love for her kids outweighs working on our marriage I guess.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Posts
    10,280
    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    If the OP was so threatened by her hitting him, he would have been the one to call the cops and leave the house
    This isn't even true for a whole lot of women, let alone men.

    Look, OP. You handled the situation about as maturely as the 17-year old you found yourself at odds with. I don't think you were wrong to reprimand him, but continuing to goad him by calling him names as he's demonstrably hostile is beyond eye-roll worthy. While your wife hitting you is 100% on her, I do believe it's incredibly likely, between your words and whatever expressions and demeanor you haven't outright stated, that you very well contributed to the hostile situation.

    That said, your wife hits you, you stepson attempted to initiate a physical altercation with you. Sorry, it's pretty damn rare just one of those two ends up successfully resolved, never mind both. Both are stains that I can near guarantee will never go away. I could never encourage someone remain in a demonstrably and physically hostile environment, particularly with their own kids involved. You may think a 17-year old or fragile flower petal of a woman are harmless, but all it takes is a good raking, gouging, or heaven forbid weapon to turn that physical tide. Without a shared kid, I'm not really even seeing a bad excuse to keep this going.
    Last edited by j.man; 03-28-2019 at 03:15 PM.

  10. #9

    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    colorado
    Age
    47
    Posts
    8
    Gender
    Male
    btw - just to let you all know - even with the bad timing - if my wife only said something like this to her son (just an example) "The house stinks of pot and your really stoned. This is unacceptable and you need to goto bed and we'll talk about it in the morning" - just something as simple as that and nothing else had to happen - when my wife came out and tried to stop the conversation and couldn't that's when she started to hit me the first time - which to me tells the kid he was justified in what he was doing. Then he proceeded to threaten me and that's the only time I named called him by calling him a loser (which I know is wrong - but give me a break I thought I kept cool in all this) - anyway....that's when my wife starting hitting me again. All of this again would not have happened if my wife backed me up and should of been. I was shocked! I had no clue we were not on the same page - I thought we were.

  11. #10
    Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2019
    Posts
    21
    Originally Posted by j.man
    This isn't even true for a whole lot of women, let alone men.

    Look, OP. You handled the situation about as maturely as the 17-year old you found yourself at odds with. I don't think you were wrong to reprimand him, but continuing to goad him by calling him names as he's demonstrably hostile is beyond eye-roll worthy. While your wife hitting you is 100% on her, I do believe it's incredibly likely, between your words and whatever expressions and demeanor you haven't outright stated, that you very well contributed to the hostile situation.

    That said, your wife hits you, you stepson attempted to initiate a physical altercation with you. Sorry, it's pretty damn rare just one of those two ends up successfully resolved, never mind both. Both are stains that I can near guarantee will never go away. I could never encourage someone remain in a demonstrably and physically hostile environment, particularly with their own kids involved. You may think a 17-year old or fragile flower pedal of a woman are harmless, but all it takes is a good raking, gouging, or heaven forbid weapon to turn that physical tide. Without a shared kid, I'm not really even seeing a bad excuse to keep this going.
    Yes yes and yes! Also if he is being assaulted why does he need to leave?? Also we all know the double standards of men calling in abuse i mean come on now..
    This violence could escalate.

Page 1 of 7 1234 ... LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •