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Thread: Did I handle this wrong? Drugs use by stepson

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by JBenton
    btw - just to let you all know - even with the bad timing - if my wife only said something like this to her son (just an example) "The house stinks of pot and your really stoned. This is unacceptable and you need to goto bed and we'll talk about it in the morning" - just something as simple as that and nothing else had to happen - when my wife came out and tried to stop the conversation and couldn't that's when she started to hit me the first time - which to me tells the kid he was justified in what he was doing. Then he proceeded to threaten me and that's the only time I named called him by calling him a loser (which I know is wrong - but give me a break I thought I kept cool in all this) - anyway....that's when my wife starting hitting me again. All of this again would not have happened if my wife backed me up and should of been. I was shocked! I had no clue we were not on the same page - I thought we were.
    I'm sorry, you seem very level headed to me. You made a mistake of calling him a loser but god if that's the worst thing you've done thus far then props to you. She should have had your back in this case. As my parents always established the rules "my house my rules, if you don't like it go somewhere else"

  2. #12
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    I stand by what I said, but I am curious. What exactly was he smoking? Pot? crack? meth? or?

  3. #13
    Silver Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Does the son have a job? IF not, where does he get the money for his drugs?

  4. #14
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    Both of you ed up.

    That wasn't the correct approach to take. You needed to sit down and have a rational talk with your wife about the seriousness of the issue. Decide what to do about it, and then confront the son. Then she would have had your back.
    Calling someone a loser is not a convincing way for them to understand your side of things. Explain to him the issue. Set the ground rules, and set the punishment...with your wife.

    With what already happened, the hitting, etc.. It's probably just best to move on. This obviously is not your and her first rodeo in the domestic violence department.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    This isn't even true for a whole lot of women, let alone men.

    Look, OP. You handled the situation about as maturely as the 17-year old you found yourself at odds with. I don't think you were wrong to reprimand him, but continuing to goad him by calling him names as he's demonstrably hostile is beyond eye-roll worthy. While your wife hitting you is 100% on her, I do believe it's incredibly likely, between your words and whatever expressions and demeanor you haven't outright stated, that you very well contributed to the hostile situation.

    That said, your wife hits you, you stepson attempted to initiate a physical altercation with you. Sorry, it's pretty damn rare just one of those two ends up successfully resolved, never mind both. Both are stains that I can near guarantee will never go away. I could never encourage someone remain in a demonstrably and physically hostile environment, particularly with their own kids involved. You may think a 17-year old or fragile flower petal of a woman are harmless, but all it takes is a good raking, gouging, or heaven forbid weapon to turn that physical tide. Without a shared kid, I'm not really even seeing a bad excuse to keep this going.
    I agree!

    Has she hit you before?

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by JBenton
    btw - just to let you all know - even with the bad timing - if my wife only said something like this to her son (just an example) "The house stinks of pot and your really stoned. This is unacceptable and you need to goto bed and we'll talk about it in the morning" - just something as simple as that and nothing else had to happen - when my wife came out and tried to stop the conversation and couldn't that's when she started to hit me the first time - which to me tells the kid he was justified in what he was doing. Then he proceeded to threaten me and that's the only time I named called him by calling him a loser (which I know is wrong - but give me a break I thought I kept cool in all this) - anyway....that's when my wife starting hitting me again. All of this again would not have happened if my wife backed me up and should of been. I was shocked! I had no clue we were not on the same page - I thought we were.
    Neither one respect you. Who's house is it?

    Does he have a job?

  8. #17
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    If they are back in your house does that mean that the son has quit the drug use in your home? If he is still using and your wife is still holding a grudge over this then I don't think you have much of a chance of breaking her out of her (codependent) relationship with her son. She enables his use and she is harming him by doing that. Not only that but she has ruined the emotional connection you two had together but she is, of course, willing to put up with that divide because you house and help support all of them.

    Go to marriage therapy with her and family therapy with all of you (your children too because they have to be affected by her abhorrent behaviour and your reaction to it.) No matter what, no one should be hitting anyone. She is a woman who appears to like to control and goes off the rails when she fails at it.

    If she won't partake in it then you should consider ending it with her and letting her and her sons fend for themselves in their dysfunctional relating.

    Good luck.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member LC8328's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Nickel Speed
    With what already happened, the hitting, etc.. It's probably just best to move on. This obviously is not your and her first rodeo in the domestic violence department.
    Agree. This household is dysfunctional; you will forever be in a power struggle with her son.

    No apology from your stepson? I'd be done.

  10. #19
    Bronze Member LootieTootie's Avatar
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    Has she hit you before?

    My biggest concern here is one of the adults physically assaulting another adult with kids around... I mean who thinks this is ok and gets upset the next day that you didn't call and ask about their wellbeing when they were the one kicking your butt? A perpetrator.

    I would seriously question if this perpetrator is worth the effort in salvaging our marriage.

  11. #20
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    sorry, i don't care whose son he is, but since he is under your roof, you have every right to forbid drug use. maybe you and your wife should have decided what the consequences were way before hand - ie if any of the kids bring drugs in the house you both agree that x should happen. But honestly,i would have hit the roof if anyone had drugs in my home. Apparently his father did nothing to guide and discipline him, so you suffer the cosequences. You know, he *is* a loser. If you called a kid a loser for getting a C in their hardest class once, that would be uncalled for, but even though you should have bit your tongue, you are on the money here. I would go to counseling with your wife if she is willing - otherwise, if this is your house, then i would throw them out

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