How do you deal with a flaky friend?

Makes me feel insignificant and unimportant that my friend asks me to do stuff or we arrange things then shes either super late or doesnt show up... i know its not a reflection on me but of her. It still really hurts though. I know i need to cut her out. I like her and we have a lot in common but i cant go around feeling like rubbish anymore.

I don't deal with flaky people for the reasons you mentioned. Do you have other friends?

You know it's not a reflection on you yet you feel like rubbish? Why is that? To paraphrase Eleanor Roosevelt, noone can make you feel insignificant without your consent. What is this really about? Could it be that you are subconsciously recreating some abandonment experience from your childhood? This woman sounds disrespectful and flighty. Why are you drawn to that?

Have you tried talking to her about it? Tell her exactly how her behavior makes you feel.

Have you tried talking to her about it? Tell her exactly how her behavior makes you feel.

 

To rephrase - tell her how you think of it when she flakes --- you have the power to choose how it makes you feel but you do not have the power to change your friend.

 

When talking to her, be open to learning more about her. She may be deeply challenged by time planning, calendar appointments, etc. And if she is, that is not an excuse. But it also is not about you. Adjust your behavior accordingly -- leave when she calls to say she is leaving too. Plan a phone call for when you are supposed to meet, etc. Or don't bother.

Is this the friend who you were giving rides to? We all have our personal dealbreakers. Constant lateness with no emergency excuse doesn't work for me and I don't really care what the person's challenges are as far as seeing the person in person -so what I do is I don't make one on one plans unless it will mean nothing to me if she is late/doesn't show or I only do groups so who cares (although with one friend it sometimes meant the others in the group waiting to order at a restaurant and if we had theater tickets that was stressful).

 

I had a friend who was like this and one night she begged me to come out and meet her at a club where her friend's band was performing. I didn't have a cell phone yet and she did. I paid the cover charge to get in ($10 or $20) and she didn't show and didn't answer her cell. I didn't stay -I was there specifically for her -and it was late at night too. She didn't really apologize -basically lied and said she didn't mean she would definitely be there. Total lie. That was the last straw after a number of incidents. Then another last straw when she betrayed me (not by being late). She got breast cancer a year or so later and passed away. I did send her a card -no response. Which is understandable. Yes, a small part of me felt guilty and yes most of me knew I couldn't keep subjecting myself to the lateness and manipulating me to pay for stuff and the betrayal, etc. It's not black and white of course.

 

Today with cell phones there is no excuse other than in an emergency and if the person has issues with timeliness that person should not make social plans that could inconvenience someone else or should find a way to make it work so she is on time (which to me means within 5-10 minutes or so of the agreed upon time). Before cell phones people were on time, too. I was -I'm usually early. Sometimes I do take it personally and sometimes not-depends on the circumstances/situation. Sometimes I can do the show up early thing sometimes not. In one case the woman stood me up once and flaked on me twice. Two years later I gave her another chance (I certainly was in touch with her and we had a lovely time chatting over messenger but I didn't make a plan) and she did show up and we had a lovely time. So things can change of course and I'm glad I didn't write her off. Yes most of the time it is hurtful and rude. And some people are fine with it -even if it's rude they brush it off.

 

Someone posted a silly meme on facebook the other day that said among other things that it's too "negative" to apologize for being late and instead the person should say "thank you for waiting for me". To me that is rubbish. It's not negative to apologize -it's a positive affirmation of your humility plus a caring positive way to act towards the victim of your lateness. Thank you for waiting for me is a lovely thing to add to the apology. Not instead of.

 

I'm sorry you're being treated this way and I hope my input helped.

Some people are just flaky by nature, it's just who they are. You are not compatible because your expectations are not being fulfilled. So move on and go meet new people. Everyone out grows their friends throughout their lives and make new ones, or keep the few that do stick around for you. It is what it is. Don't take it personally.

but i cant go around feeling like rubbish anymore.

Then you've answered your own question. Don't make anymore plans with her. If she wants to make plans with you, just decline politely and be done with her.

Flaky friends are awfully inconsiderate, rude, selfish and disrespectful. Time to drop her.

Stop making plans with that friend.

 

I have a friend who stopped doing that and everything is fine now, but I stopped talking to him for months (not drama, simply distancing myself) because after always being late or flaking last minute I had the last straw. We had agreed to go to the beach one morning with friends and he said he'd picked me up. So I wake up, put on my beach wear and wait. Time comes and he's not there. I call him and nothing. Bottom line: he simply went to the beach with those friends and forgot to pick me up as we had planned and acted as if it wasn't such a deal, just a "ups, I forgot and went directly to the beach with those friends". This was many years ago and we reaproached and he showed to be a good friend. But yes, cut these people lose or never plan individual meetings with them where it will affect you if they don't come. In my group of friends there was this guy that you were never sure if he'd show up at all but most times when he did he was very late like 1h late and such. No problemo, we knew this and never waited for him to begin eating at the restaurant or wait for him. He'd come and ask for his food when we were already having desert.