Relationship advice

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 months. I always ask him to come help me in the kitchen I don’t care if he’s on the couch I want him to come spend time with me or sometimes I call him so he can help me cook or get many of the tasks done quicker. I believe it works better that way and I always help him in the kitchen and with chores in his house. Recently he told me he wanted me to treat him like a “king” more and to spoil him. He wants me to cook for him, do his chores more often and do things a mom would do... I’m confused because this is not the way I was raised. I was raised seeing my mom be taken advantage of when it comes to women doing chores for men. I want someone who will help me and COMPROMISE every step of the way. I told him how I felt, he says he feels special when I do things for him with love instead of asking him for help in every chore. I’m 19 and he’s 25.

What do you guys think? Are most men like this should I ease up and do some things for him? How do I do this without being taken for granted???

No most men are not like this! Good grief, he wants to be the king. How about he treat you like a queen? No? Didnt think so. He's taking advantage of you and you saw what happened to your mother, why would you want to repeat the cycle? He needs to get off his lazy ass and do half the work if he's going to eat at your house, like you'd do half if you were eating at his house. He sounds like a real jerk who will take a mile if given an inch.

You will feel taken for granted if you give in to his foolish demands.

Thank you for your reply! I needed to hear this he was started to get in my head. I know it’s common for Hispanic girlfriend/ wife’s to spoil their husbands but I feel like if he’s eating at my house, stays over to sleep and doesn’t help with groceries that’s the LEAST he could do is help with the chores.

No, most men are not like this. Look, in marriage, there is a division of chores. There might be gender specific chores...women do the housework, men do the yard work and repairs, and this is fine. These roles could be reversed. No yard? He can take certain household tasks, maybe deal with the bills, the cars...whatever. As long as there is a division of labor, all is good. You do the dishes because you know that he's busy dealing with other things. This doesn't mean he gets to be lazy and disrespectful and not put his dishes in the dishwasher, clean up his meal preparation mess, put his clothes in the hamper, empty the dryer, sweep or mop a spill, or swish the toilet, among a million other things. If his goal is to have a mommy to do all the work while he watches TV or plays video games, the answer to that is no. He can move back home to his mommy.

Agree with above poster. If he wants to be treated like a king, he can very well treat his woman like a queen...not a maid...not a pauper. He can participate. You cook, he does the dishes. He helps you cook, chop, and prepare, you can decide to do the dishes yourself, but he can do a wipedown...or he does the dishes while you tidy the counters and floor.

It comes down to a balance. Sure, you'll do all the work once in awhile and pamper him...you should expect he does the same for you once in awhile.

You are not being unreasonable.

You can do better than this guy. It's cringeworthy that he expects you to do everything.

Not that wanting to be treated like a "king" isn't obnoxious, but what does he provide (if anything) that could even vaguely justify this being the division of labor between you two? Are you living together? Paying equal rent? If not living together and all things are otherwise equal, why invite him over or go to his place just to put up with this?

We don’t live together. He lives alone and I live with my parents however he lives an hour away. I just feel like if he comes to stay at my parents house the least he could do is help me with chores.

These are definitely red flags in a relationship

No, not all men are like this.

You are working against your own interests here though IMO dating a 25 year old guy and having him stay over at your parents house to see you. I'm not surprised that since he's cool with that, he'd be cool with other inbalance.

Imagine having this kids with this lazy-arse? Ugh. How he treats his mom is how he'll treat you, but worse. You shouldn't have to do any of his chores. He's a grown-arse man.

If my husband requested I'd treat him like a "King", I'd laugh hard, then tell him to go wash the dishes.

You are not a maid. You are not his mom. You are a queen, and should be treated as such.

You're 19, you may not yet realize all of the future life options you have and you do not have to cling to a relationship that has this type of a significant bad sign. This is how it starts - sort of "joking" about being "king" and continuing from there the more you make excuses for it and do as he says. It is not uncommon to expand to verbal abuse to keep you in line and even eventually physical abuse. I assume you are in America where women have fought for decades for equality and are not in a country that women are viewed as servants.

I have heard a lot of examples of these types of "kings" in my area - they actually are momma's boys who have an expectation to be catered to which eventually includes getting married and laying on the couch in debt with fancy rims on their vehicle while the wife works to keep the household going. Hopefully I have provided you enough of the big picture to put a stop to his behavior immediately or get out now.

All relationships being voluntary, two self sufficient adults have no need to assign household tasks to their dates. They take turns treating one another as a guest and reciprocating. If that breaks down where one person takes on all the work and expense while the other takes free rides, then that's still voluntary unless the working one gets smart and walks away.

Try negotiating. Offer something of value to him in exchange for whatever is value to you. If that doesn't work, skip adopting a parent role and find someone who's willing to participate as your equal.

I don't like his comment or attitude and I will add this as food for thought (i.e. kitchen theme).

Ignore the comment for a moment. Ask him how he wants to help when there's a task like this -does he just want to take turns where he does these tasks at his place and/or takes you out for dinner/orders in and sets the table and when it's your place you do the kitchen stuff? Does he want to take out the garbage or some other task that will help? In my marriage my husband would never think of it as "king" or express it that way other than as a huge joke and at the same time we are each good/like to do different things. He hates taking out the garbage. I hate dealing with handy stuff/mechanical stuff so he will fix the refrigerator shelf or put out ant traps or change a light bulb/tinker with something and I do the food prep for our son, clean up the kitchen (my husband typically gets his own dinner but I clean up) .

I do most of the household chores because he works full time and I work part time (he does a significant part of child care and I probably do more but not much much more). This is what I mean -make sure the attitude is one of teamwork but then be flexible - as far as who has time and who has desire/likes to do the particular task -try to avoid keeping score and to avoid making it "equal" -check in with yourself to see if it feels "fair" even if it might not to anyone else.

Also my husband told me early on when we were first married and new parents that he'd be totally fine with a weekly cleaning service (I opted for biweekly) -when I was a full time mom he saw my role as mostly child care not housekeeper -obviously there are cleaning/prepping tasks that have to be done as part of child care but the extra stuff was negotiable.

Also when I am in the kitchen I put on headphones and listen to the news or music or podcasts, etc. If he doesn't want to keep you company that's what I would do. And if he won't help then don't serve him his dinner -make enough for him too -he's a guest in your home -but let him get his own dinner/beverage and don't wait on him.

Sunny, he probably learned that's how women should treat men from his own mom and witnessing while growing up how she treats his dad.

He wants you to treat him like a king? Or like a mom?

Tell him that may be how his mom treats his dad, but it's not how YOU operate.

You prefer compromise, give and take. To you, that is what love is.

If he wants to be king, tell him to go back and live with his mom and find another girlfriend willing to cater to him like that.

It's not your style.

Do you think you can do that?

Sunny, he probably learned that's how women should treat men from his own mom and witnessing while growing up how she treats his dad.

 

He wants you to treat him like a king? Or like a mom?

 

Tell him that may be how his mom treats his dad, but it's not how YOU operate.

 

You prefer compromise, give and take. To you, that is what love is.

 

If he wants to be king, tell him to go back and live with his mom and find another girlfriend willing to cater to him like that.

 

It's not your style.

 

Do you think you can do that?

I agree with this. Or, alternatively, if he likes to be pampered- who doesn't, at times - do something fun like taking turns being king and queen - not all the time, just some of the time. And sure tell him that if he is ever sick/unwell of course you will pamper him/take care of him just as he would for you.

Recently he told me he wanted me to treat him like a “king” more and to spoil him. He wants me to cook for him, do his chores more often and do things a mom would do... I’m confused because this is not the way I was raised. I was raised seeing my mom be taken advantage of when it comes to women doing chores for men. I want someone who will help me and COMPROMISE every step of the way. I told him how I felt, he says he feels special when I do things for him with love instead of asking him for help in every chore. I’m 19 and he’s 25.

What do you guys think? Are most men like this should I ease up and do some things for him? How do I do this without being taken for granted???

My first thoughts were a bunch of profanity and other salty language around what he could do with his quest to be treated like royalty and/or a child.

My second and much more objective thoughts were... he needs to learn how to have a mature and adult romantic relationship that is reciprocal and based on acts of service for both partners. Whatever his motives for this are, the key is finding out what he is willing and able to do for you to reciprocate the love, intimacy and connection. Don’t demand it be your way or no way... look for ways to meet somewhere in the middle.

No she needs to find a new BF....he is not trainable, he wants what he wants, because that is how he was raised. He's pretty much telling the OP what kind of GF he truly wants. I'm sure there's a perfect motherly girl out there for him.

No she needs to find a new BF....he is not trainable, he wants what he wants, because that is how he was raised. He's pretty much telling the OP what kind of GF he truly wants. I'm sure there's a perfect motherly girl out there for him.

I don't agree - it might have been an obnoxious one off comment and it's worth having an adult, mature discussion. If all else is good of course.

I don't agree - it might have been an obnoxious one off comment and it's worth having an adult, mature discussion. If all else is good of course.

Agree Bat. My goodness, people need to learn conflict resolution, not just bail!

I always bailed, which was the lazy way out.

I'm learning how to resolve conflict through good communication and what I'm finding is how much closer you become as a couple and how it actually increases intimacy.

Devils advocate - it’s possible his love language is acts of service.

Is there a way you two could compromise where occasionally you treat him like this? Not every meal, not every day, not all chores - but maybe he feels special when you make him a fancy meal.

I tend to think that’s NOT the case, but it’s a conversation point at least.

Stop playing house. At 7 mos you should be dating not acting like mom & pop. Stop doing chores in his house. You're not the maid, you're dating.

He seems like a pompous ass so stop acting like a servant and dump him. Next time do not start acting like a slave or waitress or housekeeper, get your self respect together.

I believe it works better that way and I always help him in the kitchen and with chores in his house.

Recently he told me he wanted me to treat him like a “king” more and to spoil him. He wants me to cook for him, do his chores more often and do things a mom would do.

Dump this clown's azz. Why would you even consider being someone's maid?

Thank you for your reply! I needed to hear this he was started to get in my head. I know it’s common for Hispanic girlfriend/ wife’s to spoil their husbands but I feel like if he’s eating at my house, stays over to sleep and doesn’t help with groceries that’s the LEAST he could do is help with the chores.

Why are you dating this fool?

Stop playing house. At 7 mos you should be dating not acting like mom & pop. Stop doing chores in his house. You're not the maid, you're dating.

 

He seems like a pompous ass so stop acting like a servant and dump him. Next time do not start acting like a slave or waitress or housekeeper, get your self respect together.

Good advice but can't she do all that without just dumping him?

Why is dumping always the go to advice when there's a conflict?

What about learning conflict resolution? It's not like he's abusing her or anything like that.

Serious question.

Good advice but can't she do all that without just dumping him?

 

Why is dumping always the go to advice when there's a conflict?

 

What about learning conflict resolution? It's not like he's abusing her or anything like that.

 

Serious question.

I think that he is looking for a maid, as a partner. I am thinking that this is ingrained behavior. I accept what is presented to me, and never expect others to change.