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Conflicted over new relationship


fmleverytime

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We met a couple of months ago through an online app ( even though we kind of knew who each other were already). She was recently separated. She confessed she had always wanted to get to know me. We dated and saw a lot of each other from the start. I was trying to take things slow and was unsure at first because our families kind of know each other and I felt it might be a little awkward. She didn't seem to care and later neither did I.

 

We probably crammed about 4 months worth of time into a few weeks because we saw each other so much. She told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to her at one point. She also stated that she was afraid of liking me too much and getting hurt. I reassured her that I liked her very much too and also had the same fears. There was a lot of sex from the beginning (she is a very sexual person) but also a lot of dinners and talking and time spent just hanging out.

 

She wanted us to plan a trip together and so we planned a weekend getaway coming up in a few weeks. Everything seemed to be going great.. until.. after sex a couple of nights ago she informed me we were moving to fast for her and she wanted to date other people and slow down. I asked for clarification... are you saying you don't want to see me? She said no, of course not, like I had asked something silly. She asked how I felt about this and I have always been honest with her, so I told her it didn't feel so great but I understood (kind of).

 

We spent that night together and I felt pretty crappy the whole time. I left her place this morning, kissed goodbye, and she said, "talk to you soon". I like her a lot but really confused right now. I know we were going fast, but I also know at one point she was really into me. Now I feel like I'm overthinking every move. The next day she was the first to text me , just a good morning and a kiss emoji. But she met up with me for dinner that night and more sex. She told me it was her first official day as a single woman so I should feel honored she decided to spend it with me. It was overall a pretty good evening other than the crappy feelings lingering from the night before.

 

I feel like I'm getting so many mixed signals. I've decided I'm okay with being in an open relationship with her for now if that's what she wants. I'm just afraid of getting hurt if she nixes everything in a couple more weeks. So if I want to try to make this work, I'm wondering if I should back off some with the contact to see if she initiates things or not.

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She told me it was her first official day as a single woman so I should feel honored she decided to spend it with me.
Good grief. Do yourself a favor (which will give you the best chance of more quickly getting over her and she will respect you more.) Tell her that you're not interested in being a part of her harem and if she's ever into trying something serious AND EXCLUSIVE with you to give you a call.

 

What an insensitive and blowhard thing to say to you. pffft to her.

 

I'm wondering if I should back off some with the contact to see if she initiates things or not.
If nothing else, you should defo do that so that she isn't using you for filler while she's in between dates with other men.

 

This isn't an "Open Relationship." Its a casual one and you're far too invested in her to be able to sustain it and remain happy and angst free.

She should have disclosed that she wasn't wanting anything serious or exclusive before you two got so involved.

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Ugh.

 

If I believed you were genuinely okay with things being open, here's the advice I'd give you: step back emotionally, get back on the apps, accepting that she is, at best, a maybe. Enjoy what you know works—good sex, nice dinners—without any expectation of where it's going. Meanwhile, keep dating, since what it sounds like you really want—a relationship—isn't happening here, not now, maybe not ever.

 

But I don't believe you're genuinely okay with that. I think you like her, liked where it was going, fast and all, and now you feel (justly) thrown. To which I say: politely let her know that this arrangement doesn't work for you, that you've had a great time but are going to pursue your own needs and wants. All the best, and so on.

 

That's you respecting yourself, and your truth. You may not get laid again, but she'll respect you. Right now she's on the road to the opposite view of you.

 

Frankly, she doesn't sound like such a catch. The "first night as a single woman" comment is just lame, childish, gamey. It's what someone says when they're really lost, trying to define themselves, and using others as projection screens for possible personalities. That she's recently separated and went in guns blazing—well that kind of hot burn is generally the engine of an unstable rocket.

 

Sorry for the confusion. We've all been there. Retreat now, before more whiplash kicks in.

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Sorry to be blunt but I think this is really not good news for you. When someone is seeing someone for two months already and have seen a lot of the person, they should know by this stage if they are invested and could see a future. Unfortunately if she's saying she wants to date other people, that means she's made the assessment that she's not that sure about you. Trust me, if she really liked you she would want to see what can come of YOUR relationship, and not be looking for other people. She wants to have you as a backup in case she doesn't find anyone "better". You really like her, you don't want to be sloppy seconds and only end up with her if she doesn't find anybody else. Wouldn't you rather be with a woman who puts you first?

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Well this all sounds like good advice... not what I wanted to hear but what I knew to probably be true. Which apparently I'm going to ignore in the short term because I'm seeing her tomorrow (yea I'm an idiot). Why am I doing this? Probably because it was nice when she was lavishing me with praise and it's not something I get a lot. I really don't date much and she was so interested (for awhile). I think she at least has been honest with me.. she told me a lot of stuff that I believe her when she says she never told anyone. Some of it's some pretty dark stuff and really doesn't put her in a good light. The more I say this outloud the worse it sounds. She's a good looking girl, she's smart (working on her doctorate), and ready and willing to have sex... I can't imagine she has any trouble lining up guys. Why is she even still going out with me still, I really don't know. She did say I was the only guy she had ever dated that wasn't an , so I at least have that going for me.

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Well this all sounds like good advice... not what I wanted to hear but what I knew to probably be true. Which apparently I'm going to ignore in the short term because I'm seeing her tomorrow (yea I'm an idiot). Why am I doing this? Probably because it was nice when she was lavishing me with praise and it's not something I get a lot. I really don't date much and she was so interested (for awhile). I think she at least has been honest with me.. she told me a lot of stuff that I believe her when she says she never told anyone. Some of it's some pretty dark stuff and really doesn't put her in a good light. The more I say this outloud the worse it sounds. She's a good looking girl, she's smart (working on her doctorate), and ready and willing to have sex... I can't imagine she has any trouble lining up guys. Why is she even still going out with me still, I really don't know. She did say I was the only guy she had ever dated that wasn't an , so I at least have that going for me.

 

So what are you saying, you'll just take whatever you can get? It sounds like you have low self-esteem because you're saying "I can't imagine why she's going out with ME". She can probably sense that and knows she can keep you hanging on while she's meeting other guys too. Look it's up to you what you want to do of course but I think you might get dumped eventually.

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Well this all sounds like good advice... not what I wanted to hear but what I knew to probably be true. Which apparently I'm going to ignore in the short term because I'm seeing her tomorrow (yea I'm an idiot). Why am I doing this? Probably because it was nice when she was lavishing me with praise and it's not something I get a lot. I really don't date much and she was so interested (for awhile). I think she at least has been honest with me.. she told me a lot of stuff that I believe her when she says she never told anyone. Some of it's some pretty dark stuff and really doesn't put her in a good light. The more I say this outloud the worse it sounds. She's a good looking girl, she's smart (working on her doctorate), and ready and willing to have sex... I can't imagine she has any trouble lining up guys. Why is she even still going out with me still, I really don't know. She did say I was the only guy she had ever dated that wasn't an , so I at least have that going for me.

 

You're really defending her here aren't you. Sorry but you cant see that are being a fool. Everyone is telling you the same thing here then you come back saying you are going to ignore it, so yeah, you're a idiot because you will be the one that gets hurt here. You're too blinded by your feelings for you that you cant see that she is using you.

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Probably some more pertinent information. When we first started really liking each other and she told me about her past and some of her problems, she told me at some point she would withdraw and I should know that and not get scared because she would come back around. She sees a psychiatrist and is on meds to help her with some issues. About the sex thing, this is new territory for me. She told me the first night she was into bdsm. She told me she can have sex with no emotional attachment, it's just something she enjoys. She also told me that I was not one of those people who she was just doing that with. She told me she had never loved her husband and the sex had always been awful. She said there was only one person in her life she had ever truly loved(he married someone else) and that she felt she was developing the same kinds of feelings for me. While she raved about certain parts of our initial sexual encounters, she told be there were things she wanted to try and wished I would be more open to doing them. I told her it took me awhile before I felt comfortable with some things. I recently told her that I would be open to trying out some of the things she has talked about.. this seemed to please her very much. Again, this is all new territory, because I've never met someone like this, part of me just thinks it's not possible, but I've also heard of people who seemingly make it work and are happy. Part of it even excites me.

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Don't believe everything u hear. You're going to be used.

 

Maybe I am. so maybe I should just use this for what it is, have some fun and start looking for someone new as well. I actually already started using my dating apps again, I just haven't put much effort into it. The thought of going on a date is really unappealing to me, I'm just not excited about it at all. should I just make myself go out with someone to get out there?

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She was recently separated.

 

This wasn't just your red flag, it's a blazing neon sign that reads 'still married' and 'rebound'. So why would it surprise you that she'd come unwound a reveal typical rebound stuff?

 

Advice from Grandma: "The problem is not that snakes will cross your path, they will. The problem comes when you're too bored or lonely or lacking in common sense to avoid picking up the snake to play with it."

 

If you want to keep playing, you can do that. It's not against the law, it just won't buy you anything but a mess.

 

Good luck with that.

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Probably some more pertinent information. When we first started really liking each other and she told me about her past and some of her problems, she told me at some point she would withdraw and I should know that and not get scared because she would come back around. She sees a psychiatrist and is on meds to help her with some issues. About the sex thing, this is new territory for me. She told me the first night she was into bdsm. She told me she can have sex with no emotional attachment, it's just something she enjoys. She also told me that I was not one of those people who she was just doing that with. She told me she had never loved her husband and the sex had always been awful. She said there was only one person in her life she had ever truly loved(he married someone else) and that she felt she was developing the same kinds of feelings for me. While she raved about certain parts of our initial sexual encounters, she told be there were things she wanted to try and wished I would be more open to doing them. I told her it took me awhile before I felt comfortable with some things. I recently told her that I would be open to trying out some of the things she has talked about.. this seemed to please her very much. Again, this is all new territory, because I've never met someone like this, part of me just thinks it's not possible, but I've also heard of people who seemingly make it work and are happy. Part of it even excites me.

 

None of this is relevant to what she wants NOW.

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This wasn't just your red flag, it's a blazing neon sign that reads 'still married' and 'rebound'. So why would it surprise you that she'd come unwound a reveal typical rebound stuff?

 

Advice from Grandma: "The problem is not that snakes will cross your path, they will. The problem comes when you're too bored or lonely or lacking in common sense to avoid picking up the snake to play with it."

 

If you want to keep playing, you can do that. It's not against the law, it just won't buy you anything but a mess.

 

Good luck with that.

 

Thanks, I think I just need this pounded into my head. When all of this was new and my head and I was still feeling immediate reactions, I was kind of in a freak out mode.. .the more hours that pass, the less I feel I care. Why care for someone who doesn't care back, right? I will say that I think I got something out of this besides a lesson in handling snakes. It kind of woke up some things in me that I didn't know were there. I think I want things now that I didn't know I wanted or was scared to say out loud. I'm going to go into my next relationship more assertive (I hope).

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A bit of a different take from others:

 

I don't think you need to drop her, just dial things back and keep your options open.

 

From what I read, things escalated way WAY too fast, four months worth in a few weeks??

 

Whoa no wonder she got spooked and wanted to scale things back, to me this is smart and healthy, otherwise you would have totally burned each other out.

 

I did the same thing with one of my ex's when things took off too fast. He didn't freak out or take it personally, he simply dialed things back and we dated six years.

 

Re her comment about you should feel "honored," I don't know the context in which that comment was said - I know I can be a bit sarcastic sometimes and love to play and banter. I can see myself saying something like that, in total jest.

 

So perhaps you took that commrnt a bit too seriously and she was simply bantering around with you..

 

You might have chimed back with something equally snarky and playful, making the experience more fun and playful, less serious and intense.

 

Frankly you sound in incompatible in your natures but if you want to continue dating her, chill out, keep options open like she's doing and see how it all plays out.

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A bit of a different take from others:

 

I don't think you need to drop her, just dial things back and keep your options open.

 

From what I read, things escalated way WAY too fast, four months worth in a few weeks??

 

Whoa no wonder she got spooked and wanted to scale things back, to me this is smart and healthy, otherwise you would have totally burned each other out.

 

I did the same thing with one of my ex's when things took off too fast. He didn't freak out or take it personally, he simply dialed things back and we dated six years.

 

Re her comment about you should feel "honored," I don't know the context in which that comment was said - I know I can be a bit sarcastic sometimes and love to play and banter. I can see myself saying something like that, in total jest.

 

So perhaps you took that comment a bit too seriously and she was simply bantering around with you..

 

You might have chimed back with something equally snarky and playful, making the experience more fun and playful, less serious and intense.

 

Oh I knew she was kidding the way she said it, sorry if I implied otherwise. I know she is confused about things right now too, so I'm trying not to blame her.. probably why someone came down on me for defending her. I'm not going to stop seeing her.. .but I'm also not going to let her be the center of my universe right now. I started texting a couple of girls and may go out just to give myself some fresh air. When you dialed things back did you see other people or just see less of each other?

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Oh I knew she was kidding the way she said it, sorry if I implied otherwise. I know she is confused about things right now too, so I'm trying not to blame her.. probably why someone came down on me for defending her. I'm not going to stop seeing her.. .but I'm also not going to let her be the center of my universe right now. I started texting a couple of girls and may go out just to give myself some fresh air.

 

When you dialed things back did you see other people or just see less of each other?

Less of each other. Not just that though, my ex was very intense, he fell hard very fast, like you, but after we talked he lightened up quite a bit which made our dating experience much more fun and sexy. Less intense.

 

Doing so allowed us to progess naturally, slowly and gradually. No pushing from either one of us.

 

If she wants to keep her options open, fine, you do the same.

 

Do not act bothered about it.

 

You can turn things around if you play your cards right. And differently from how you're playing them now. Too intense.

 

Look, dating should be fun! Especially these early stages.

 

People sometimes get so wrapped up in their "feelings" and ego, where it's going, what things mean - step away from that for now and just have fun!

 

Allow things to develop slowly and gradually.

 

To me, reading your initial post again, she still sounds very into you, things just moved too fast for her, she simply wants to dial it back.

 

There is nothing wrong with that, in fact again I think it's smart. You've only been dating two months.

 

Doesn't mean she has "issues" no more than anyone else has.

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Why is she even still going out with me still, I really don't know.
I don't want to believe that you are that naive so I'm going to make another guess rather than you being naive and suggest that maybe you're addicted to the sex and you have a touch of White Knight Syndrome (google that) and she made you feel important because she entrusted you by sharing her emotional and mental issues with you. You find it enlightening that she even shared that she may pull back and that you shouldn't be afraid. Well no, you shouldn't be afraid but you should see it for what it is, that being her securing you and keep you in your over-the-top admiration of her while she goes about finding other sex/romantic partners to mess about with. That Marilyn Monroe vulnerability and porn star like sex is intoxicating, no doubt.

 

Up to you what you do of course but when you come here for advice then we will tell you what the most likely scenario of an outcome is going to be.

 

She's got issues that you can't handle or be emotionally healthy in. If you could handle her and her indifference (other then sexual) to you, you'd just enjoy the ride, keep your emotions out of it and you'd not have started this thread.

 

People like her need to tell guys like you that they are not into exclusivity so you at least have a chance to keep yourself indifferent emotionally. Unfortunately she is, by all accounts the type that needs your full emotional attention even if she doesn't give you hers.

 

I'm sorry your paths crossed because you sound like a decent guy and you deserve more than the likes of her.

 

I'll add: Step away from people that tell you they want to see other people... you don't step up your game, you don't buy them dinner and you certainly don't keep seeing them unless you just want a eff buddy. Particularly if you saw one another that frequently then suddenly they pull back like she did. They are not emotionally equipped to be in anything the engulfs them emotionally.

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OP also wants to add, the ex I spoke of above, when we met he had recently broken up with someone too. Long term relationship. So one could say that I was essentially a rebound.

 

He did not expect to fall hard for me but he did. As did I. There was no way we were going to stop seeing each other, given our strong chemistry and how well we clicked.

 

We simply made it work by scaling things back.

 

And it did work, for SIX years!

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Katrina: Serious question. You talk often of that relationship that lasted six years. Why did you two break up... it appears to have been a very important relationship to you and I'm wondering why it ended.

 

Op: The difference between Katrina's situ and yours is that they were exclusively dating.

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Katrina: Serious question. You talk often of that relationship that lasted six years. Why did you two break up... it appears to have been a very important relationship to you and I'm wondering why it ended.

 

Op: The difference between Katrina's situ and yours is that they were exclusively dating.

 

Fair question.

 

I've spoken of why we broke up before, but unbeknownst to me, my ex started using meth and coke, while in New York caring for his terminally ill mom.

 

She died and when he returned his addiction escalated, needless to say things became quite toxic.

 

He promised rehab but reneged, started using again, so I left.

 

In a strange twist, he entered rehab after I left, got clean, wanted to get back together but trust was lost, so no.

 

He's doing very well now! In a new relationship, as am I! :)

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Sorry to hear this. She's not ready to date. Especially in a too much too soon situation. Unfortunately you'll get hurt if you stay on the rebound roller coaster. Pull way back and date casually if you want, but don't put your heart into a poor risk like this.

She was recently separated.

she informed me we were moving to fast for her and she wanted to date other people and slow down.

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Fair question.

 

I've spoken of why we broke up before, but unbeknownst to me, my ex started using meth and coke, while in New York caring for his terminally ill mom.

 

She died and when he returned his addiction escalated, needless to say things became quite toxic.

 

He promised rehab but reneged, started using agsin, so I left.

 

In a strange twist, he entered rehab after I left, got clean, wanted to get back together but trust was lost, so no.

He's doing very well now! In a new relationship, as am I! :)

 

That outcome is quite common. The kindest thing (as hard as it can be) was for you to not stay with him and enable him to keep using.

 

Thanks for sharing.

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