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Thread: Conflicted over new relationship

  1. #31
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Maybe he likes fruit loops. Fruit loops can be quite tasty! Lol

    Just teasing, I highly doubt OP is going to walk away because a bunch of people on an anonymous message board are advising him too.

    Just being realistic.

    My advice comes from (1) my experience with my ex and (2) suggesting things that may turn things around for him.

    Or maybe not, but sometimes you just gotta let things play out.

    JMO
    Katrina: I agree... I doubt he'll stop seeing her as well. In fact, I suspect that he will be on a continuous loop of her bringing him in and distancing herself from him once he is enmeshed again.

    Your six year relationship is quite different from that of the Op's. You both were wanting to see each other with less intensity BUT you and he were doing it exclusively and hadn't told one another that you wanted to bed others.

    Like I said that porn-star-like sex can be addicting and intoxicating but the odds are that she'll not ever want to be exclusive with him. The least we can do (since he asked) is give him realistic outcomes based on the odds and the facts of their particular situation.

    We've all read enough of these stories to know the odds. ;)

  2. #32
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by fmleverytime
    I will say that I think I got something out of this besides a lesson in handling snakes. It kind of woke up some things in me that I didn't know were there. I think I want things now that I didn't know I wanted or was scared to say out loud. I'm going to go into my next relationship more assertive (I hope).
    Wherever this goes, this is a great attitude. I've certainly been in your shoes, getting emotionally invested in someone who isn't ready, and lord knows (gulp) I've put others in those shoes. It happens. Doesn't negate the connection—the fun, the lessons—but it might put a limit on how it can evolve.

    Key is to make sure you can hold onto that headspace, which sadly sometimes means letting go—a bit, fully, your call. If you find yourself spinning in your head too much, analyzing her, feeling on edge—well, all that leads to resentment, insecurity, the stuff that can cloud over the good stuff. Trying to force something into a place where it can't yet go is where a lot of people get into emotional quagmires.

    She is, to put it generously, in a very restless state. No doubt that is connected to what appeals and intrigues—she's exciting! But it also means you need to be sturdy, to not rely on her for any sense of stability, since that's just going to whip you around.

    Per Katrina's post—yeah, she might be pretty into you. But she is also pretty into being single, which she's let you know in no uncertain language, and given what you write about her that likely means she's pretty into exploring other options. Whether you have the genuine security to dance on that stage is something you can only answer.

  3. #33
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Wherever this goes, this is a great attitude. I've certainly been in your shoes, getting emotionally invested in someone who isn't ready, and lord knows (gulp) I've put others in those shoes. It happens. Doesn't negate the connection—the fun, the lessons—but it might put a limit on how it can evolve.

    Key is to make sure you can hold onto that headspace, which sadly sometimes means letting go—a bit, fully, your call. If you find yourself spinning in your head too much, analyzing her, feeling on edge—well, all that leads to resentment, insecurity, the stuff that can cloud over the good stuff. Trying to force something into a place where it can't yet go is where a lot of people get into emotional quagmires.

    She is, to put it generously, in a very restless state. No doubt that is connected to what appeals and intrigues—she's exciting! But it also means you need to be sturdy, to not rely on her for any sense of stability, since that's just going to whip you around.

    Per Katrina's post—yeah, she might be pretty into you. But she is also pretty into being single, which she's let you know in no uncertain language, and given what you write about her that likely means she's pretty into exploring other options. Whether you have the genuine security to dance on that stage is something you can only answer.
    That's really what I want to figure out now, if I can be secure enough to do this. I really didn't think I could at first but the less I care about her emotionally the more I feel I can live in the moment just like she does. I can't remember if I read it on this thread or somewhere else but someone said people are just in love with the feeling of a connection and not the person on the other end. Thinking of it that way makes sense to me. I'm not going to tell her I miss her, I'm not going to chase her or ask her to change the way she feels. I know those things are useless. If she decides to end it, so be it... it can only hurt as much as I let it. That initial punch in the gut kind of numbed me . I know I probably still care some or I wouldn't be here on a message board discussing it right now. It actually helps saying these things to someone , even random strangers. I appreciate everyones replies.

  4. #34
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    I'm inclined to agree with this^.

    Good advice and realistic versus telling him to just drop her, which is not realistic given his feelings, the chemistry and ok the hot sex.

    Not gonna happen!
    You know, the funny thing is .. when we first met she asked if I was just interested in sex or wanted more. She said she was ok with either answer. But I didn't really believe her, I've never met a girl that was ok with just sex(maybe I need to get out more). If I knew she just wanted sex I would have been glad to oblige and probably never have formed anything deeper. I just need to go back in time and fix that.

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  6. #35
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Keep in mind, OP, that she will be having this same sex with others while sleeping with you.
    Are you ok with that?

  7. #36
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by fmleverytime
    You know, the funny thing is .. when we first met she asked if I was just interested in sex or wanted more. She said she was ok with either answer. But I didn't really believe her, I've never met a girl that was ok with just sex(maybe I need to get out more). If I knew she just wanted sex I would have been glad to oblige and probably never have formed anything deeper. I just need to go back in time and fix that.
    The bolded was obviously a lie to keep you from disengaging from her. "Okay with either" scenario clearly means that she's not ready for serious if she'd accept less.
    ... and this is why I said she needs you to be invested emotionally even if she isn't. There are so many red flags that she's flying. I hope you can see them and not ignore them. Its quite easy to say that you are going to disengage emotionally but when it comes down to it and she distances herself from you because she is 'grooming' someone new and doesn't have time for you, well the reality of it all won't be easy to accept.

    You have admitted that you have no desire to date others so it's going to be a sad day for any girl you do date and are unable to emotionally invest in her (if she invests in you)... you're not ready to date anyone new.

  8. #37
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Some thoughts from someone who has been out there plenty.

    Very rarely is anyone—man or woman—"just" interested in sex. Tricky thing is determining what, aside from sex, they're interested in and whether or not that lines up with your own interests. It's generally romance, which it sounds like she seeks, and seeks hard, but "romance" does not always mean bf/gf, sexual exclusivity, and so on.

    If I was a betting man?

    This is a woman—recently separated, attractive, highly sexual, with a large part of her confidence derived by being wanted by men—who is on a path to burn through some shallow romances before being interested in the deeper waters of intimate connection. Sure, maybe someone can enter her fiery orbit who triggers a desire for sustained commitment—but that someone is not you, not right now. Was for a minute, might be again, but isn't now. Doesn't mean you can't be "honored" that she chose to spend her first single day with you, or that her clumsy flattery wasn't genuine. Just means to be equally aware that she is single and digging that just as much, if not more, than she's digging you.

    If you can handle all that without it being a knock on your self-esteem or a detour from your own wants and needs—soldier on.

    And mind you, I don't mean "burn through" or "shallow" with judgement. Just being realistic, basically along the lines of what ThatwasThen, who is nailing this to a T, pointed out: what she desires—what excites and gets her off—is not merely sex but a certain level of emotional investment, even if she's not investing at the same level. She's a seduction junkie.

    Sound fair? Probably not.

    But a certain type of person—genetically fortunate, blessed with some charm and lusty charisma—can engage like this with little effort. Doesn't make them a monster. I've dated her, I've been her—very familiar waters, these. I've also had deep, committed, trusting, longterm relationships with her, though not when she's in the place you're meeting her. And, yeah, I've been burned by her, when I've lied to myself about what it is I'm really seeking and needing and hoping for. Have done some burning being her, too, with people who lied to themselves in similar ways.

    To proceed without getting burned the equation is simple, though hardly simple to live. Here's what it looks like:

    - It means being surgically honest about what's primarily drawing you to stay in this—the intoxication of interstellar sex, the lessons interstellar sex can supply, and the fluttery fun of undefined "romance"—with next to zero thought or hope that it might evolve into something more. When those hopes flicker, when she says hopeful things, you detach, step back, stay in observation mode to see if what she says stays true for longer than, say, 48 hours. This is the opposite of what most people do when hopes flicker, of course, and the opposite of what people genuinely open to deep intimacy do—something worth filing away.

    - It means being just as excited about women who are not her, and pursuing that, which it doesn't sound like something that holds much interest to you right now. Maybe that shifts with time and a few swipes, but if you're closing those doors off in the hopes of luring someone who is swinging those doors open—well, future burn victim stuff.

    - It means not caring if she is sleeping with other people, because that is, at this point, not a matter of if but when.

    Sound like a game? Well, there's a reason: it is a game. Not an intentional game, not a malicious game, but where she's at? It's subbing the thrill of gamesmanship for the more authentic vulnerability required for genuine connection. And, like any game, it can be a lot of fun, so long as you know the rules, your own skill level. I like playing tennis, you know, but I wouldn't play with Roger Federer. I don't like getting burned.

    There's often a degree of gamesmanship and testing at the beginning of a relationship, but this is of a higher order. Hope you don't take all that as discouragement. You sound awesome, with clear eyes, and the ability to handle some heat without getting too scathed. Just know that forfeiting a genuinely open heart for fun can come at a cost, something that took me a good while to understand. Hearts always recover, always reopen, but that time in triage is real time.

  9. #38
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I actually disagree about not dropping her like a hot potato. He's known her a few weeks. I think it's irrational or delusional to think that a person has such deep feelings develop in this short time frame or allow his life to spiral this out of control by one single human being.. who doesn't seem trustworthy or worthy, period. Your posts #15 and #17, OP, are also contradictory: #15 you claim you don't care or shouldn't care and #17 you've turned around and said that you won't stop seeing her. What is the matter with you? (I say this with the utmost sincerity, not out of ill feeling). I do hope you feel better soon.

    Cut her loose and be done with it. If you need a journal in your overcoming process, by all means, but OP, stop fanning these flames. I think you need a reality check.

  10. #39
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    She told me she had never loved her husband
    Are they separated or divorced? If so, how long ago? I couldn't find anything on this - maybe I missed it.

    I apologise for being blunt, it seems to me that at present you are a 'placeholder'. I encourage you to not be one and to find someone else worthy of you.

  11. #40
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle

    - It means being just as excited about women who are not her, and pursuing that, which it doesn't sound like something that holds much interest to you right now. Maybe that shifts with time and a few swipes, but if you're closing those doors off in the hopes of luring someone who is swinging those doors open—well, future burn victim stuff.

    - It means not caring if she is sleeping with other people, because that is, at this point, not a matter of if but when.
    You're right, I know I need to get interested in someone else. I'm going to try to at least line up a date soon just for a change of scenery. Who know, maybe I'll click with someone. On the 2nd point, If I had to bet I would say she has already slept with someone.

    I'm still not sure if she just isn't all about the sex. She told has sought out meetings for that only , desiring that there be no emotional attachment. The was she describes very specific acts, it feels like such a physical need for her. It's hard to describe but it's almost a matter of fact tone when she talks about what she needs that way. I think in the past she has been involved in some type of sex club activity. She told me once there was a time when she often had sex with multiple people watching.

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