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Thread: Conflicted over new relationship

  1. #1
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    Conflicted over new relationship

    We met a couple of months ago through an online app ( even though we kind of knew who each other were already). She was recently separated. She confessed she had always wanted to get to know me. We dated and saw a lot of each other from the start. I was trying to take things slow and was unsure at first because our families kind of know each other and I felt it might be a little awkward. She didn't seem to care and later neither did I.

    We probably crammed about 4 months worth of time into a few weeks because we saw each other so much. She told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to her at one point. She also stated that she was afraid of liking me too much and getting hurt. I reassured her that I liked her very much too and also had the same fears. There was a lot of sex from the beginning (she is a very sexual person) but also a lot of dinners and talking and time spent just hanging out.

    She wanted us to plan a trip together and so we planned a weekend getaway coming up in a few weeks. Everything seemed to be going great.. until.. after sex a couple of nights ago she informed me we were moving to fast for her and she wanted to date other people and slow down. I asked for clarification... are you saying you don't want to see me? She said no, of course not, like I had asked something silly. She asked how I felt about this and I have always been honest with her, so I told her it didn't feel so great but I understood (kind of).

    We spent that night together and I felt pretty crappy the whole time. I left her place this morning, kissed goodbye, and she said, "talk to you soon". I like her a lot but really confused right now. I know we were going fast, but I also know at one point she was really into me. Now I feel like I'm overthinking every move. The next day she was the first to text me , just a good morning and a kiss emoji. But she met up with me for dinner that night and more sex. She told me it was her first official day as a single woman so I should feel honored she decided to spend it with me. It was overall a pretty good evening other than the crappy feelings lingering from the night before.

    I feel like I'm getting so many mixed signals. I've decided I'm okay with being in an open relationship with her for now if that's what she wants. I'm just afraid of getting hurt if she nixes everything in a couple more weeks. So if I want to try to make this work, I'm wondering if I should back off some with the contact to see if she initiates things or not.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    She told me it was her first official day as a single woman so I should feel honored she decided to spend it with me.
    Good grief. Do yourself a favor (which will give you the best chance of more quickly getting over her and she will respect you more.) Tell her that you're not interested in being a part of her harem and if she's ever into trying something serious AND EXCLUSIVE with you to give you a call.

    What an insensitive and blowhard thing to say to you. pffft to her.

    I'm wondering if I should back off some with the contact to see if she initiates things or not.
    If nothing else, you should defo do that so that she isn't using you for filler while she's in between dates with other men.

    This isn't an "Open Relationship." Its a casual one and you're far too invested in her to be able to sustain it and remain happy and angst free.
    She should have disclosed that she wasn't wanting anything serious or exclusive before you two got so involved.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Ugh.

    If I believed you were genuinely okay with things being open, here's the advice I'd give you: step back emotionally, get back on the apps, accepting that she is, at best, a maybe. Enjoy what you know worksógood sex, nice dinnersówithout any expectation of where it's going. Meanwhile, keep dating, since what it sounds like you really wantóa relationshipóisn't happening here, not now, maybe not ever.

    But I don't believe you're genuinely okay with that. I think you like her, liked where it was going, fast and all, and now you feel (justly) thrown. To which I say: politely let her know that this arrangement doesn't work for you, that you've had a great time but are going to pursue your own needs and wants. All the best, and so on.

    That's you respecting yourself, and your truth. You may not get laid again, but she'll respect you. Right now she's on the road to the opposite view of you.

    Frankly, she doesn't sound like such a catch. The "first night as a single woman" comment is just lame, childish, gamey. It's what someone says when they're really lost, trying to define themselves, and using others as projection screens for possible personalities. That she's recently separated and went in guns blazingówell that kind of hot burn is generally the engine of an unstable rocket.

    Sorry for the confusion. We've all been there. Retreat now, before more whiplash kicks in.

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    Sorry to be blunt but I think this is really not good news for you. When someone is seeing someone for two months already and have seen a lot of the person, they should know by this stage if they are invested and could see a future. Unfortunately if she's saying she wants to date other people, that means she's made the assessment that she's not that sure about you. Trust me, if she really liked you she would want to see what can come of YOUR relationship, and not be looking for other people. She wants to have you as a backup in case she doesn't find anyone "better". You really like her, you don't want to be sloppy seconds and only end up with her if she doesn't find anybody else. Wouldn't you rather be with a woman who puts you first?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    People throw around the word rebound a lot, but she's doing it classically and hard.
    She's not available, she's not even in her right mind about now. She's flying on impulse, feelings, and adrenaline.

    I'm sorry you got hurt in this. Take the lesson, move on from her.

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    Well this all sounds like good advice... not what I wanted to hear but what I knew to probably be true. Which apparently I'm going to ignore in the short term because I'm seeing her tomorrow (yea I'm an idiot). Why am I doing this? Probably because it was nice when she was lavishing me with praise and it's not something I get a lot. I really don't date much and she was so interested (for awhile). I think she at least has been honest with me.. she told me a lot of stuff that I believe her when she says she never told anyone. Some of it's some pretty dark stuff and really doesn't put her in a good light. The more I say this outloud the worse it sounds. She's a good looking girl, she's smart (working on her doctorate), and ready and willing to have sex... I can't imagine she has any trouble lining up guys. Why is she even still going out with me still, I really don't know. She did say I was the only guy she had ever dated that wasn't an , so I at least have that going for me.

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    Originally Posted by fmleverytime
    Well this all sounds like good advice... not what I wanted to hear but what I knew to probably be true. Which apparently I'm going to ignore in the short term because I'm seeing her tomorrow (yea I'm an idiot). Why am I doing this? Probably because it was nice when she was lavishing me with praise and it's not something I get a lot. I really don't date much and she was so interested (for awhile). I think she at least has been honest with me.. she told me a lot of stuff that I believe her when she says she never told anyone. Some of it's some pretty dark stuff and really doesn't put her in a good light. The more I say this outloud the worse it sounds. She's a good looking girl, she's smart (working on her doctorate), and ready and willing to have sex... I can't imagine she has any trouble lining up guys. Why is she even still going out with me still, I really don't know. She did say I was the only guy she had ever dated that wasn't an , so I at least have that going for me.
    So what are you saying, you'll just take whatever you can get? It sounds like you have low self-esteem because you're saying "I can't imagine why she's going out with ME". She can probably sense that and knows she can keep you hanging on while she's meeting other guys too. Look it's up to you what you want to do of course but I think you might get dumped eventually.

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    You're gonna be dropped.


    She's rebounding hard and isn't avail.

  10. #9
    Originally Posted by fmleverytime
    Well this all sounds like good advice... not what I wanted to hear but what I knew to probably be true. Which apparently I'm going to ignore in the short term because I'm seeing her tomorrow (yea I'm an idiot). Why am I doing this? Probably because it was nice when she was lavishing me with praise and it's not something I get a lot. I really don't date much and she was so interested (for awhile). I think she at least has been honest with me.. she told me a lot of stuff that I believe her when she says she never told anyone. Some of it's some pretty dark stuff and really doesn't put her in a good light. The more I say this outloud the worse it sounds. She's a good looking girl, she's smart (working on her doctorate), and ready and willing to have sex... I can't imagine she has any trouble lining up guys. Why is she even still going out with me still, I really don't know. She did say I was the only guy she had ever dated that wasn't an , so I at least have that going for me.
    You're really defending her here aren't you. Sorry but you cant see that are being a fool. Everyone is telling you the same thing here then you come back saying you are going to ignore it, so yeah, you're a idiot because you will be the one that gets hurt here. You're too blinded by your feelings for you that you cant see that she is using you.

  11. #10
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    Probably some more pertinent information. When we first started really liking each other and she told me about her past and some of her problems, she told me at some point she would withdraw and I should know that and not get scared because she would come back around. She sees a psychiatrist and is on meds to help her with some issues. About the sex thing, this is new territory for me. She told me the first night she was into bdsm. She told me she can have sex with no emotional attachment, it's just something she enjoys. She also told me that I was not one of those people who she was just doing that with. She told me she had never loved her husband and the sex had always been awful. She said there was only one person in her life she had ever truly loved(he married someone else) and that she felt she was developing the same kinds of feelings for me. While she raved about certain parts of our initial sexual encounters, she told be there were things she wanted to try and wished I would be more open to doing them. I told her it took me awhile before I felt comfortable with some things. I recently told her that I would be open to trying out some of the things she has talked about.. this seemed to please her very much. Again, this is all new territory, because I've never met someone like this, part of me just thinks it's not possible, but I've also heard of people who seemingly make it work and are happy. Part of it even excites me.

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