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Thread: Resolution after a big fight

  1. #1
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    Resolution after a big fight

    So here is a further update to the trials and tribulations of my life recently, and I think I have put the final nail in the coffin this time.

    I have mentioned my girlfriend's obligations in other posts over the last week. The court hearing, her study, very close bonds with her mum etc...
    The last week has not been great. We have spent some time together, even had a good night once. And a nice morning together. She will say otherwise, but for me, it has still felt a little tense and it all comes down to how we now communicate via text. There is distance where there use to be affection. With her being so time poor, and us only being able to see each other once a week, I rely on this medium to feel valued in the relationship. That is probably wrong, but its the best I can do. This is going to sound really immature, and I don't like articulating it, but when we text each other, the use of emojis really helps get our point across, or picture messages or anything similar. These have been missing for the last week. Definitely far less than accustomed to, and even if I go back over our communication, the ones she will use are those associated with negative emotions. sad face, red angry face etc. I'm happy to wear the ridicule for this, I didn't know how pathetic it was until I typed it just now.

    With everything going on in her life, I know I have to invest more into this relationship than she can. I can only wait for her schedule to open up for us to spend time together. I feel I have been putting in 85% in this and completely understand why she cant, but I am now in a position where even if I state what I need to feel valued is asking too much. We ended up getting in to a fight on the phone last night. I think I remember trying to diffuse it, but I cant recall completely. I had a few drinks to take the edge off. I have told her I will keep my distance for a while but will be here when she may want to talk. That will not be today. It is the anniversary of a tragic time for her and out of respect to her, I wont detail more than that here.

    Am I wrong in verbalizing the above to her as what I need to feel valued in this. I really don't think its much at all and I cant stress enough im not trying to force us to text all day everyday, we both don't have time for that. Its just the language we use I would like to keep warmer. The intensity of the fight we had last night, and the importance of today, I really think this relationship has done its dash now

  2. #2
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    Did you end up going out for mini golf and beer? Is she still mad about your dog?

    And why did you think it was a good idea to get drunk before an important relationship conversation?

  3. #3
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Did you end up going out for mini golf and beer? Is she still mad about your dog?

    And why did you think it was a good idea to get drunk before an important relationship conversation?
    We didnít do the golf and beer idea. I only ever made it an option and never a directive. That was the night we had together when everything was good. We discussed the decision with my dog and moved on from it.

    I didnít intend on having the conversation last night. It just blew up. I was drinking because I was stressed about this relationship and needed to cope better with it.

    I went to see a counsellor yesterday. Just to discuss how I can be better at giving so much and being content not to receive back for a while. I really am quite good at it most of the time. Thereís just a few times when it gets too much and I start to pull back a little out of a feeling of not being valued. Iíve tried to talk to her about this, but itís not a conversation she wants to have

  4. #4
    Read your last post, didn't read much of this one. You are the one that has all the issues and i also don't agree with you leaving your dog alone for 12 hours. A vet would never OK that. It's neglect. Everything is just all about YOU and your need to feel 'valued'. You constantly complain and its probably driving her crazy.

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  6. #5
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    Well, I would say getting drunk isn't "coping better with it". In fact, as you saw it made things worse.

    If what you've been doing so far isn't working, it's time to try something else. Such as, back off, no texts, nothing until she reaches out to you. Give her space. She can't see what her life would be like without you in it if you refuse to leave her alone.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    you need to address this. It's causing a lot of your problems.
    Originally Posted by Sourmilk
    I was drinking because I was stressed about this relationship and needed to cope better with it.

  8. #7
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    When was the last time you verbalized anything to her?
    If you haven't done so in awhile, do it humanely because she may be surprised how whiny you might come across. Be sure to include specific examples and watch your tone if you seek to make improvements(together) in your relationship. You do not have to wiffle waffle and procrastinate but you do have a responsibility to yourself and her (mostly yourself) to be of sound mind and operate adequately in your life. You are not doing so!

    I'd suggest you really start dealing with your issues with this relationship instead of bubblepacking and tiptoeing around her. She's not made out of glass. If she really has suffered or been through as much as she's been through I highly doubt she will blink an eye at these minor imperfections in your relationship. Stop making a mountain of a molehill and tackle the problems now.

  9. #8
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    ^Just wanting to add to my post above and revise(looks like you already verbalized your issues) in this thread, first post. I say let her cool it and if she doesn't want to work with you in general, you need to be prepared to move on without her. You're both not on the same page and definitely do not deserve to be with someone who doesn't put in the effort required in a committed relationship. If she can't recognize that, you should.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    ^Just wanting to add to my post above and revise(looks like you already verbalized your issues) in this thread, first post. I say let her cool it and if she doesn't want to work with you in general, you need to be prepared to move on without her. You're both not on the same page and definitely do not deserve to be with someone who doesn't put in the effort required in a committed relationship. If she can't recognize that, you should.
    Thank you for this advice. You are right. I have a lot of value in this relationship. Generally it is really good and only the last week and a half has been a challenge. Weíve arranged to speak on the phone later today. Iíve kept communicating down to an absolute minimum and only told her I hope we can reconcile

    There may come to a point, regardless how much I love her, the relationship canít work if we canít fulfil the needs of each other. We may have to walk away. That saddens me


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