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Fell in love with my manager... help


alyssamar

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This is a bit of a long story...

I started working at bank in my area in New York and slowly started getting feelings for my manager. I’m 23 and he is 30. From the beginning he was my biggest supporter. He always had my back and I’ve never met a person who has treated me with such care, love and respect. He’s married, and was never outwardly flirtatious but over time we developed a very strong emotional bond. I started having very strong feelings for him. I also started to notice that he really went out of the way for me differently than other coworkers. He was a very private guy and people would tell me how he never opened up. But in our time together he shared very personal problems with me, and I shared mine with him. One of the problems being really bad issues with his wife. I would often notice him look at me, and we would look at eachother like magnets, and just have this shy little laugh Every time we locked eyes. I never shared these feelings with anyone and made sure not to show him. I kept denying that he could like me until my Coworker I was close with commented how he treats me differently and feels like there’s a connection and she felt

He had romantic feelings for me. My friend even came in to visit me and said that without me noticing she saw him continuously glance at me the whole time . After a while the company laid off a bunch of people and because I was the least senior I got cut. I cried to him before and he sat with me in an office for hours and gave me instructions on how to apply for different jobs. He told me he wants to keep in touch and I told him I doubted he would . He said he promised me he wouldn’t lose touch. “ I don’t leave people behind” he always said this. He said there was no possible way we wouldn’t keep in touch unless I stop taking to him. And this is a man that kept his word from the moment I met him with everything he said. He got promoted shortly after I left to a location 20 mins outside the city. He kept in touch for a couple of weeks and then randomly stopped answering me. I called and left him a voicemail thanking him for all he had done for me wishing him the best also mentioning if his schedule allows if we could grab a coffee. He sent me a text simply saying hey missed your called what’s going on. I explained in a very professional way that I congratulate him and would like to meet for a coffee and chat. Again he never answered...I just don’t know what to do about everything. My heart is broken and I don’t understand what happened. Every night I can’t sleep. I already feel weird that I called and left a voicemail after he ignored me the first time,

So I’m hesitant to reach out again. But also I feel I need answers. I don’t know what could have happened and I don’t know how to move on .

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It was inappropriate for him to speak about his marriage issues in a professional setting. Don't be so easily duped next time when someone does that with you and remove the blinders at work. If anything he seems more brotherly towards you. His flowery language about 'not leaving people behind' sounds like he's a GI Joe/military wannabe(this is just kindergarten level hero dialogue).

 

I don't blame you for falling for his dramatic overtures. You're young. Live and learn. You should also be starting to find another job. Your priorities out of sync.

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It was inappropriate for him to speak about his marriage issues in a professional setting. Don't be so easily duped next time when someone does that with you and remove the blinders at work. If anything he seems more brotherly towards you. His flowery language about 'not leaving people behind' sounds like he's a GI Joe/military wannabe(this is just kindergarten level hero dialogue).

 

I agree with this so much!

 

Alyssa, here'a a good rule of thumb: men who divulge personal information about their romantic relationships are generally trolling for ass. Coupled with flattery and attention, it's a very common and effective tactic. Don't fall for it.

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I appreciate the answer. I felt he was genuine, I am currently in a new position now at a different bank. Thanks for taking the time to answer

 

Unfortunately, you were wrong.

 

You were the woman he flirted with at work and used to stroke his ego, but he is not seriously interested in you. It seems you hadn't yet met a sleazy married guy like this, but trust me, they are a dime a dozen. These types will play with the attraction while at work but have no intention of actually taking it any further. He's such a cliche.

 

Don't reach out to him anymore. He is married and should be off-limits to you anyway, but his silence is telling you that he's not interested.

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The one important thing to note: HE IS MARRIED! He liked the attention he got from you, nothing more. He was never interested in you. Also you were new and he was the manager so it's his job to take care of his employees. The sooner you realize all this the sooner you can move on. Trust me, he's not losing any sleep over you.

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You developed romantic feelings with someone that you work with. That alone, complicate things. He was your manager also, so any misunderstanding in your, supposed, relationship could have backfire in work. That’s why I don’t like relationships between people who work together.

 

In addiction, he was married. If you had a relationship with him you would always come second. Do you like that? I know that I don’t.

 

So take the opportunity that he is giving you and leave him behind.

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He's not your boyfriend, he is someone else's husband. He owes you nothing and one lesson you should learn is, if he allows himself to get close to co-workers like this, you weren't the first and you won't be the last.

 

It obviously didn't mean a whole lot to him because now, out of sight, out of mind.

 

No doubt he's getting close to the new cute co worker at his new job.

 

It's a harsh lesson to learn but a.) don't get personally involved with co workers b.) if a married man is behaving like this behind his wife's back, he is not a good man and he will do it again and again.

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I echo what Sherry said (and others).

 

This is very simple OP.

 

He was engaging in an emotional affair with you, when it was convenient.

 

Now that he's moved away, you are no longer convenient, too much effort is needed for him to continue so he cut you off, I'm sorry. :(

 

He most likely found another young woman at his new location, and is feeding her the same garbage he fed you..

 

Lesson learned,

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I appreciate the answer. I felt he was genuine, I am currently in a new position now at a different bank. Thanks for taking the time to answer

 

Genuine about what?

His marriage or a brief work colleague?

Do you think his wife who he goes home to every night doesn’t think he is genuine? About the vows he made to her?

 

He was inappropriate to discuss his marriage with you.

But you were equally inappropriate to listen or engage in that chat.

 

He is likely a bit of a flirt and disrespectful however you knew he was married and enabled that.

 

Why would you allow someone to treat you that way? And why would you be ok with allowing a married man treat you that way? And why would you be interested in a guy that does that despite being married?

 

I realise you are young and naive with that , but you must realise he is now flirting with someone else in the office.

He is likely the kind of person that wants attention but only from those he is getting in a daily basis. He is not about to physically cheat on his wife. But he is a disrespectful ass.

 

Forget about it.

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I appreciate the answer. I felt he was genuine, I am currently in a new position now at a different bank. Thanks for taking the time to answer

 

Good. That's great about your new job. Congratulations.

In life I've noticed it's 50/50 importance (and an art) learning when to hang on and when to simply let go. Start working on your performance and reviews now and don't blow this new work opportunity. If you know where you want to be refocus your energies. Don't think about him anymore.

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The thing you are not concentrating on, *alyssamar* is that you allowed him to cross what should have been YOUR own boundaries. That boundary should be that you do NOT allow married or otherwise taken men to be so intimate with you. You shut down guys who are crossing their own romantic relationship boundaries so that you don't allow yourself to become vulnerable to married men. When you listen to their so called marital problems it makes you seem that you are important to them which leads you to thinking you have feelings for them and they you.

 

You are young, yes but you lamenting that a married man won't return your calls or reciprocate your crush on him is concerning. Common sense should dictate that you just let it go. He is married afterall.

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The thing you are not concentrating on, *alyssamar* is that you allowed him to cross what should have been YOUR own boundaries. That boundary should be that you do NOT allow married or otherwise taken men to be so intimate with you. You shut down guys who are crossing their own romantic relationship boundaries so that you don't allow yourself to become vulnerable to married men. When you listen to their so called marital problems it makes you seem that you are important to them which leads you to thinking you have feelings for them and they you.

 

You are young, yes but you lamenting that a married man won't return your calls or reciprocate your crush on him is concerning. Common sense should dictate that you just let it go. He is married afterall.

 

I agree. It's a typical cheater strategy to talk about how awful their marriage is (sometimes it's not even) with their prospect for mistress so that the future mistress feels special and doesn't have so many conscience issues, since "the wife/marriage is awful after all". Married people or people in committed relationships should always be off limits. And you might feel "not my problem, I'm not the one in a relationship betraying vows" but always remember that how you get them is how you lose them, so choose carefully with whom you get involved weather emotionally, physically or both.

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I have been there before -and as such I'm going to give you some cold hard truths, because you deserve that.

 

I never shared these feelings with anyone and made sure not to show him.

 

You are kidding yourself with this. He knew. He absolutely knew about your crush, make no mistake. Look, we get this a lot here on ENA and unless you're a teen, once you start counting how many times your crush looks at you, you're done for. Why? Because if he really wanted you, you'd know.

 

It also might be worth mentioning that you only know someone is looking at you because you keep looking at him. If you keep watching your crush, anytime he happens to look up (because who doesn't get that creepy feeling when you know someone's watching you?), he would automatically lock eyes with you. This is not indicative of true love. Same with your friend. There are a number of reasons why he could have been looking at you that day, the least of which is that your friend kept looking at him. I don't think you give this guy enough credit that he doesn't pick up on your feelings for him and doesn't notice a couple of women in their 20's "slyly" trying to check him out at work.

 

Trust me...he knew.

 

 

Trust me, he's not losing any sleep over you.

 

This is probably the most important thing you should take away from all this, OP. Absolutely.

 

 

Look...so many people flirt at work. It gets you through the day. It doesn't mean that out of all the women in the world, that he would ultimately choose you. I understand that you're young because as I said I've been there and having a crush at work is pretty standard at that age and frame of mind. But as an oldie with more office experience, I have to tell you that all manner of people are nice AND flirt in ways you might find shocking (speaking from personal experience here), but once they leave the company, they're a ghost. The earlier you understand this, the less broken you'll find yourself.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting. But it would be more cruel to not tell you these things, because unfortunately this is reality.

 

One last thing...the fact that he's married is an afterthought to you, which is apparent in your post. This is a huge mistake. Not only for obvious reasons, but the fact that you disregard this in your mind has done a major disservice to you. What I mean is that I'm making an "educated guess" that when you left him that voicemail message, his wife either listened to it or overheard it, at that point she probably said "Uhhh...who is this girl who's wishing you the best and wants to meet you for coffee?" And he had to explain to her the truth... that it's just some girl who was fired at work and he was being nice to her because she was upset that she was fired. Wife then probably made it known that she doesn't like her contacting him like this AND WANTING TO SEE HIM. Hubby then says "I'll just make sure she's ok and don't worry, I won't talk to her again. I've never given her the idea that I would be interested in her that way." Which is why when he called you back he just said "what's going on" instead of "hey i miss you i want to see you" etc etc etc.

 

He has his wife to answer to. And all you're thinking about is "why isn't he answering my calls."

 

There is no possible way this could work out. Never mind the fact that he's married. Never mind the fact that he is not showing interest in you. And no, locking eyes with you at work or your friend reporting that he was looking at you, is neither proof of attraction nor is it a contract to keep in touch after the job's gone. Trust me, trust me when I say that there is someone else out there you can be attracted to, who is available, who you will connect with, that you can have a real relationship with.

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He is married and you knew that. You need to rethink your principles. How would you like it if your husband was enabled by some younger model to cheat when you get to 30? You are collecting some very bad karma through your actions... Facilitating cheating is as bad as cheating imo. This guy was being super inappropriate talking his marriage with a young work subordinate and flirting with you. You should have known better than to participate in such an inappropriate exchange. Luckily, it sounds like he came to his senses and pulled back. Either that, or his wife caught on what was going on behind her back and laid down some boundaries. You need to take a long hard look in the mirror. Do you really want to be "that woman"? A decent woman doesn't get chummy like that with married men. It's that simple.

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I agree with this so much!

 

Alyssa, here'a a good rule of thumb: men who divulge personal information about their romantic relationships are generally trolling for ass. Coupled with flattery and attention, it's a very common and effective tactic. Don't fall for it.

 

COULDN'T AGREE WITH THIS STATEMENT MORE. The above scenario almost happened to me. Boss told me all about the rocky marriage, then the divorce etc, we met for a drink, he tried to kiss me and take it further (did NOT happen)

Since your manager was not divorced, I can guarantee you that he would not leave his wife for you IF things between you and him got serious. The chances of that are slim..

 

You dodged a bullet.

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I really appreciate everyone’s replies and have read them all carefully. Truthfully, many of them hurt to read but that’s okay because sometimes we need to hear these things being said! I was previously in an abusive relationship and did not have a good upbringing with my father. I think the care my manager showed me was so shocking and different to me I allowed myself to interpret it as love. This caused me to overstep boundaries having feelings for a married man which is wrong. I just came out of an NYU Stern degree, which I tirelessly worked towards and need to refocus on my career which I’ve been developing since I was 16. I’ve recently started therapy as I hope to move on from this experience and fix my deep issues with men.

 

Again thank you all for your replies, I read them all over and over and they helped me come to a lot of very important life lessons. Blessings to you all

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I really appreciate everyone’s replies and have read them all carefully. Truthfully, many of them hurt to read but that’s okay because sometimes we need to hear these things being said! I was previously in an abusive relationship and did not have a good upbringing with my father. I think the care my manager showed me was so shocking and different to me I allowed myself to interpret it as love. This caused me to overstep boundaries having feelings for a married man which is wrong. I just came out of an NYU Stern degree, which I tirelessly worked towards and need to refocus on my career which I’ve been developing since I was 16. I’ve recently started therapy as I hope to move on from this experience and fix my deep issues with men.

 

Again thank you all for your replies, I read them all over and over and they helped me come to a lot of very important life lessons. Blessings to you all

Good for you for obtaining your degree and working on being the best you that you can be with the help of your therapist. You're going to be okay because you can see the forest for the trees and you realise where you went astray.

 

Kudos!

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That boundary should be that you do NOT allow married or otherwise taken men to be so intimate with you. You shut down guys who are crossing their own romantic relationship boundaries so that you don't allow yourself to become vulnerable to married men. When you listen to their so called marital problems it makes you seem that you are important to them which leads you to thinking you have feelings for them and they you.

 

This ^^^. If you find yourself in this situation again - and you probably will! - just tell them that they ought to be talking to their wives/girlfriends about this, not you. And tell them that it makes you feel very uncomfortable as it's none of your business.

 

Unfortunately, when you're young and trusting, this kind of fake intimacy can be very seductive, and if you fall for it then you're likely to experience this heartache again and again.

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