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Thread: Am I being unfair to want to leave once and for all?

  1. #1

    Am I being unfair to want to leave once and for all?

    My boyfriend has a history of sometimes telling me white lies or just outright lies about his finances. The reason why the truth is so relevant is because he wants to live in my home and pay me rent (he has his own apartment now) and I need to know he can be trusted. I know he sometimes lives paycheck to paycheck with little left over but here's what he told me yesterday:

    I specifically asked him how much money he has left in his account each month after paying bills and he said about $1,000 but last month he had only a few hundred (which he later said was closer to $150; in reality I know its $130). I asked him to repeat the answer which he did. For example, I know the prior month he had $300 and the other months about $400. when I asked again today b/c I said it didn't sound right, he said maybe it was closer to $400.00.

    I also asked why is he is using 3 credit cards when he used only use 2 and he had no real answer. I asked him twice how much he owes on the cards and he said $1,000.00 - he repeated the same answer when I asked him about it today. But I know the full balance is $1,500.00 but only $900 is due now (statement balance), so he texts me "I just paid my bills today and only had $900 in charges"..."between the lower bills and me expecting my next paycheck to be more, I should have several hundreds of dollars next month".

    Do you consider either or both lies? I asked him to show me his bank statements to show me how he thinks he has $1,000/month extra and he didn't but said moving forward, he would. Really, I've heard that before.

    What's so ironic is that I've broken up with him for brief periods when I knew he was lying and he promised me he changed. He did get better in certain regards but not 100% obviously.

    He tells me I'm a fool for not allowing him to move in and pay me rent instead of him paying his landlord and he will never hurt me financially and it's foolproof for me b/c if it doesn't work out, I tell him to leave. Is it that easy??

    He then brings up stuff about my adult child that doesn't like him and I've made no progress telling them we are an item and plan on living together and why can't I be honest about it with him??

    Help!!! Do I just walk away after 6 years of dating him. He says he would just date me instead of living together but is that an answer???

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I see why you are focused on how much money he has, you want to know he can pay his share of the rent and bills. Having only a few hundred bucks at the end of any month is not a good cushion if anything goes wrong, which can happen. His lies to you are another big concern.

    What do you plan to do the first time he doesnt have enough money for his share of rent/bills? It could be hard to get him out if that's the route you'd take.

    Personally I would not let him move in, the lying is a bigger deal to me than how much money he has. The fact your adult child doesnt know about this is very telling.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    OK, so the guy is broke and living paycheck to paycheck. Is this acceptable to you? If not, why do you continue to be with him? Do you really think that monitoring his income and spending is going to change him or the size of his paycheck? You are actually overstepping some serious boundaries with your own behavior - unhealthy is putting it very politely.

    As a practical matter, unless he is living in his car, he has been managing to pay rent since even before he ever met you. As a more practical matter - no, you shouldn't let him move in with you because, (1) you are terrified he won't pay you and obsess about it and (2) if things go downhill, it will be difficult and potentially expensive to get rid of him. Some states are worse than others about it, so check your local laws. Even with the best of laws, having someone in your house that you have to remove by a legal process won't be fun.

    You are both engaged in a highly toxic relationship. Maybe think on that a bit and why you are doing this to yourself. Surely he isn't the last man on earth. Haven't you posted about this under previous names? This story sounds very familiar and it seems like it just keep on dragging along and dragging along. Stop wasting your life on this.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It's simple. Do not let him move in. It has disaster written all over it. Keep in mind if things don't work out you'll have to go through lengthy expensive eviction processes to get him out because you're asking for rent. You are hoping to parent, fix and change him. Not going to happen.

    There is no need to interrogate him about his finances or police and parent him about it. It's his business, not yours. All you need to know is that you don't need a roommate-with-benefits who you don't trust, try to police/parent and micromanage.

    Just get another roommate if you need the money. In that case you request documentation of income, finances, references, etc. Do not try to prep and make this bf into a future husband who will be as financially capable and responsible as you need. You need another bf not another lie or push for him to be what you want.
    Originally Posted by financialwoe
    he wants to live in my home and pay me rent (he has his own apartment now) and I need to know he can be trusted. I know he sometimes lives paycheck to paycheck with little left over. I've broken up with him for brief periods when I knew he was lying and he promised me he changed.

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  6. #5
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    Why would you consider living with someone like this, much less date them? I say no to partners who lie and who are financially irresponsible.

    So, your kid does not like him-wonder why-and you have kept the relationship a secret. I don't understand any of this. Are you staying with this guy because you are more scared of being alone? I would rather be on my own, than with this deadweight.


    Good luck getting him out, when he fails to pay the rent. Get rid of this clown, and raise your standards.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    If you needed a business partner, is this someone you would go into business with? I wouldn't.

    Living together is very much like running a business. Now you have a partner is neither transparent or honest about his end of it. How successful do you think your business will be?

    He tells me I'm a fool for not allowing him to move in
    < this comment. Isn't the idea of moving in together supposed to be kinda romantic? I wouldn't even consider it after this comment. He's being coercive and manipulative too.

    You are no fool, because he hasn't moved in yet, has he? Hmmm

    You are withholding info about the status of your relationship with your adult son.(who doesn't like him) From the sounds of it, for a really good reason. But he flips you on the mat trying to make it about you being dishonest too? As if that negates his lying about his finances?. . .<shaking my head> No and no.
    Last edited by reinventmyself; 08-21-2019 at 01:48 PM.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Breakups don't need to be 'fair'. There are no judges or juries in our love lives, so nobody else gets a vote. If a relationship no longer works for you, adopt the 'bad guy' role long enough to get out of it, and you will thank yourself later. We don't 'owe' anyone the obligation of staying with them unless and until we make vows to do so.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I think your communications can be improved. There is some overlap in your meanings on what is owing. He sees it as a question of what's owing (immediately) in this billing period while you're asking what the total balance is. He may be telling the truth about his accounts but you seem to be in an odd position nannying his account balance monthly. This is not healthy for you or him or the relationship.

    The more there's that overlap and communication issues between the both of you the more the frustration levels seem to rise. This causes distrust in the relationship because there's general discord. Keep the overlapping and ideas about accounts and financial confusion to a minimum. Resist the urge to delve deeper than the bottomline. You are not his analyst. His debts also seem relatively low and are not a large risk. Your immediate concerns are whether he can make his portion of rent and whether his income is stable.

    Collect his portion of the rental and let things be. If you don't sense he can be trusted to make his portion of the rent payment, it's not a good idea to live together at this time.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I think your communications can be improved. There is some overlap in your meanings on what is owing. He sees it as a question of what's owing (immediately) in this billing period while you're asking what the total balance is. He may be telling the truth about his accounts but you seem to be in an odd position nannying his account balance monthly. This is not healthy for you or him or the relationship.

    The more there's that overlap and communication issues between the both of you the more the frustration levels seem to rise. This causes distrust in the relationship because there's general discord. Keep the overlapping and ideas about accounts and financial confusion to a minimum. Resist the urge to delve deeper than the bottomline. You are not his analyst. His debts also seem relatively low and are not a large risk. Your immediate concerns are whether he can make his portion of rent and whether his income is stable.

    Collect his portion of the rental and let things be. If you don't sense he can be trusted to make his portion of the rent payment, it's not a good idea to live together at this time.
    Sorry, but this guy has lied about his finances and has no moola. It would be foolish to take him him- I would bet money that he would not come up with the rent. This has to be addressed as a business deal. The son does not like him, either. The relationship is secret. This is doomed.

  11. #10
    I appreciate what everyone has said but now I have another problem (nightmare):

    so I was ready to break up last night but without yelling and explaining that I've put up with the lying and promises not to lie only to be lied to again and again. When I started to say what I wanted to he IMMEDIATELY STOPEED ME and this is what happened:

    at first he said he was remaining calm and told me he knew he wasn't going to the beach with my family next week (he went last year and it was sort of ugly b/c of the bad feelings between my son and him) and I felt trapped about how I was going to tell my son my bf was coming so I planned to break up with him right before. He then brings me a note he wrote supposedly a few weeks ago which said that "[My bf name} will not be going to the beach because {my name} can't deal with her son's opposition."

    He said he wrote the note last month b/c he predicted I'd do this. We have gone through similar times where right before a family event I do break up with him but that's because I just didn't want him to be with me at a big event as a result of lying he had be doing right before (again).

    I did invite my family (not son though) to my home last month and he was invited the whole time and we all spent time together.

    After giving me the note, he started yelling at me about old stories of how I didn't take him to this or that because I was ashamed to be with him (not sure why he thought that) and he went on and on and every time I tried telling him my son is not the root cause but rather its his lack of trustworthiness and honesty, he denied it. He also said his money will never be my business because he's decided to continue to live on his own (that's news to me).

    He brought up other times when I was seeing others and he accused me of taking them on a trip (which I did b/c we were not going along at the time) - he said he really resents me for that!!! He asked me if I had sex with the other person I took and what kind of sex and asked all sorts of details...I tried to change the subject but he wouldn't let me yelling at me the whole time.

    He further kept on yelling "I'm doing you a favor and you can breath easy now and have a great time at the beach!!!" said that many times. But then said:

    How about if I come down and surprise you with your son and family there - what would you do he asks? Just say "hi" or invite me to stay on the beach and/or go to dinner???? Really???

    Next he gave me a hug and said "I love your new curves but most men won't". I gained some weight over the last 2 years but I'm still a "normal" size. He also said he could tell I was really nervous about how to tell him that I didn't tell my son about his coming to the beach and I didn't know how so I broke out on my face due to nerves and I was "picking" at my face over the last few weeks making it worse.

    During some of this conversation, he started pushing on my shoulders around the table and I told him to stop, which he eventually did.

    Finally, as for the recent lies he told, he said it could have waited until we got back from the beach and I only was doing it to avoid him coming with my family.

    As a PS he called and said we aren't really breaking up...if anyone asks, tell them he couldn't come b/c of his work; also, he wants to take me to a nice dinner this weekend and we aren't breaking up.

    What do I do now???? Is he right; should I have acted differently? btw, he knows I'm currently coping with one of my best friends dying from cancer and my sister told me last night she may have it too and he knows all of this.

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