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Thread: Fell in love with my manager... help

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by alyssamar
    I appreciate the answer. I felt he was genuine, I am currently in a new position now at a different bank. Thanks for taking the time to answer
    Genuine about what?
    His marriage or a brief work colleague?
    Do you think his wife who he goes home to every night doesnít think he is genuine? About the vows he made to her?

    He was inappropriate to discuss his marriage with you.
    But you were equally inappropriate to listen or engage in that chat.

    He is likely a bit of a flirt and disrespectful however you knew he was married and enabled that.

    Why would you allow someone to treat you that way? And why would you be ok with allowing a married man treat you that way? And why would you be interested in a guy that does that despite being married?

    I realise you are young and naive with that , but you must realise he is now flirting with someone else in the office.
    He is likely the kind of person that wants attention but only from those he is getting in a daily basis. He is not about to physically cheat on his wife. But he is a disrespectful ass.

    Forget about it.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by alyssamar
    I appreciate the answer. I felt he was genuine, I am currently in a new position now at a different bank. Thanks for taking the time to answer
    Good. That's great about your new job. Congratulations.
    In life I've noticed it's 50/50 importance (and an art) learning when to hang on and when to simply let go. Start working on your performance and reviews now and don't blow this new work opportunity. If you know where you want to be refocus your energies. Don't think about him anymore.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    I stopped reading at "he's married".

    I hope you move on from this. Plus, it's always a bad idea getting involved with co-workers, specially bosses.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    The thing you are not concentrating on, *alyssamar* is that you allowed him to cross what should have been YOUR own boundaries. That boundary should be that you do NOT allow married or otherwise taken men to be so intimate with you. You shut down guys who are crossing their own romantic relationship boundaries so that you don't allow yourself to become vulnerable to married men. When you listen to their so called marital problems it makes you seem that you are important to them which leads you to thinking you have feelings for them and they you.

    You are young, yes but you lamenting that a married man won't return your calls or reciprocate your crush on him is concerning. Common sense should dictate that you just let it go. He is married afterall.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    The thing you are not concentrating on, *alyssamar* is that you allowed him to cross what should have been YOUR own boundaries. That boundary should be that you do NOT allow married or otherwise taken men to be so intimate with you. You shut down guys who are crossing their own romantic relationship boundaries so that you don't allow yourself to become vulnerable to married men. When you listen to their so called marital problems it makes you seem that you are important to them which leads you to thinking you have feelings for them and they you.

    You are young, yes but you lamenting that a married man won't return your calls or reciprocate your crush on him is concerning. Common sense should dictate that you just let it go. He is married afterall.
    I agree. It's a typical cheater strategy to talk about how awful their marriage is (sometimes it's not even) with their prospect for mistress so that the future mistress feels special and doesn't have so many conscience issues, since "the wife/marriage is awful after all". Married people or people in committed relationships should always be off limits. And you might feel "not my problem, I'm not the one in a relationship betraying vows" but always remember that how you get them is how you lose them, so choose carefully with whom you get involved weather emotionally, physically or both.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member LC8328's Avatar
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    I have been there before -and as such I'm going to give you some cold hard truths, because you deserve that.

    I never shared these feelings with anyone and made sure not to show him.
    You are kidding yourself with this. He knew. He absolutely knew about your crush, make no mistake. Look, we get this a lot here on ENA and unless you're a teen, once you start counting how many times your crush looks at you, you're done for. Why? Because if he really wanted you, you'd know.

    It also might be worth mentioning that you only know someone is looking at you because you keep looking at him. If you keep watching your crush, anytime he happens to look up (because who doesn't get that creepy feeling when you know someone's watching you?), he would automatically lock eyes with you. This is not indicative of true love. Same with your friend. There are a number of reasons why he could have been looking at you that day, the least of which is that your friend kept looking at him. I don't think you give this guy enough credit that he doesn't pick up on your feelings for him and doesn't notice a couple of women in their 20's "slyly" trying to check him out at work.

    Trust me...he knew.


    Originally Posted by RayofLighten
    Trust me, he's not losing any sleep over you.
    This is probably the most important thing you should take away from all this, OP. Absolutely.


    Look...so many people flirt at work. It gets you through the day. It doesn't mean that out of all the women in the world, that he would ultimately choose you. I understand that you're young because as I said I've been there and having a crush at work is pretty standard at that age and frame of mind. But as an oldie with more office experience, I have to tell you that all manner of people are nice AND flirt in ways you might find shocking (speaking from personal experience here), but once they leave the company, they're a ghost. The earlier you understand this, the less broken you'll find yourself.

    I'm sorry you're hurting. But it would be more cruel to not tell you these things, because unfortunately this is reality.

    One last thing...the fact that he's married is an afterthought to you, which is apparent in your post. This is a huge mistake. Not only for obvious reasons, but the fact that you disregard this in your mind has done a major disservice to you. What I mean is that I'm making an "educated guess" that when you left him that voicemail message, his wife either listened to it or overheard it, at that point she probably said "Uhhh...who is this girl who's wishing you the best and wants to meet you for coffee?" And he had to explain to her the truth... that it's just some girl who was fired at work and he was being nice to her because she was upset that she was fired. Wife then probably made it known that she doesn't like her contacting him like this AND WANTING TO SEE HIM. Hubby then says "I'll just make sure she's ok and don't worry, I won't talk to her again. I've never given her the idea that I would be interested in her that way." Which is why when he called you back he just said "what's going on" instead of "hey i miss you i want to see you" etc etc etc.

    He has his wife to answer to. And all you're thinking about is "why isn't he answering my calls."

    There is no possible way this could work out. Never mind the fact that he's married. Never mind the fact that he is not showing interest in you. And no, locking eyes with you at work or your friend reporting that he was looking at you, is neither proof of attraction nor is it a contract to keep in touch after the job's gone. Trust me, trust me when I say that there is someone else out there you can be attracted to, who is available, who you will connect with, that you can have a real relationship with.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member LC8328's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Annia
    always remember that how you get them is how you lose them, so choose carefully with whom you get involved weather emotionally, physically or both.

    Well said.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    He is married and you knew that. You need to rethink your principles. How would you like it if your husband was enabled by some younger model to cheat when you get to 30? You are collecting some very bad karma through your actions... Facilitating cheating is as bad as cheating imo. This guy was being super inappropriate talking his marriage with a young work subordinate and flirting with you. You should have known better than to participate in such an inappropriate exchange. Luckily, it sounds like he came to his senses and pulled back. Either that, or his wife caught on what was going on behind her back and laid down some boundaries. You need to take a long hard look in the mirror. Do you really want to be "that woman"? A decent woman doesn't get chummy like that with married men. It's that simple.

  10. #19
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    I believe in karma so act accordingly next time and stay away from taken men or you'll find that you'll be on the receiving end of a disloyal arse in the future.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    I agree with this so much!

    Alyssa, here'a a good rule of thumb: men who divulge personal information about their romantic relationships are generally trolling for ass. Coupled with flattery and attention, it's a very common and effective tactic. Don't fall for it.
    COULDN'T AGREE WITH THIS STATEMENT MORE. The above scenario almost happened to me. Boss told me all about the rocky marriage, then the divorce etc, we met for a drink, he tried to kiss me and take it further (did NOT happen)
    Since your manager was not divorced, I can guarantee you that he would not leave his wife for you IF things between you and him got serious. The chances of that are slim..

    You dodged a bullet.

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