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Thread: Blip During 7 Year Relationship. Am I Over or Underreacting?

  1. #1

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    Blip During 7 Year Relationship. Am I Over or Underreacting?

    I don't normally post things like this or open up about relationships but really want to hear other peoples thoughts and opinions as it's doing my head in. As an example, it's 2am now and I can't sleep because it's playing on my mind, hence why I'm posting this.

    In summary:

    - I've been with my girlfriend for 7 years
    - We own a house, we're both 31, have 1 kid and work together from home
    - About 6 months ago we decided to have a small break as we were in a small cramped house, work was manic and she had been diagnosed with MS. She said she just wanted some space which was fine.
    - For a few months prior this she was also talking to her male 'friend', staying over his house so she could have a drink etc. I do/did trust her and didn't have a problem with that.
    - This male 'friend' is a bit 'weird' shall we say. I've never liked him. He's very clingy, would buy her anything she wanted, and everybody knows that he's always fancied her, even before we got together. Like I say, I did trust her though and had no reason not to.
    - During this break which lasted about a week I looked after our daughter and kept the business running whilst she stayed at this guys house.
    - I didn't actually think we'd split up during this break, and it was purely because she wanted a break away from all the stress.
    - About 3 months later my phone broke so I borrowed her old phone which came with all of her old Whatsapp messages. After flicking through a) the nature of the messages was disgusting with hearts and kisses emojis b) saying how they wish they could just cuddle together and c) then I found out that they had slept together multiple times during this break, she'd got pregnant and had an abortion (yikes).
    - When I read the messages I felt sick to the stomach and wanted nothing more than to get rid of her. I raised this with her, we talked it out, and to cut a long story short, she said she regretted it, she thought we'd split up, she had a lot going on and didn't know what she was doing etc etc and we stayed together. I said I never want to see this guy and I want him nowhere near either of us which she agreed to.
    - Since then this whole thing has been on my mind 24/7. I'm just hoping time will heal and to be fair, things have been good. We've moved to a bigger house, work is fine and all is dandy, and her and her male friend had stopped talking (or at least i thought).
    - Then yesterday her phone is on the side and I see it popup with a message from him. I open it up out of curiosity and turns out they've been talking for a while. He keeps asking if she wants to pop over to his for a coffee. To be fair she keeps saying she's busy but I don't know if it's because she genuinely is busy (which she is), or is making an excuse not to see him. A lot of the chat is quite general with no kiss emojis or talking of cuddling like there was before and she's quite dismissive of him.

    My question is:

    - After all this, should I be mad that they're even talking when one of the agreements when we split up was that they don't talk?
    - Or am I overreacting and it's ok for them to message and for her to go to his for coffee?

    I know she loves me, I'm just worried that this is the start of something bigger again and this weird male friend will worm his way back in again, acting as the 'caring' friend when really all he wants is to bed her again. On top of this, because of all of this I really don't trust her at the moment whereas before I would trust her 100%. I honestly feel like she would happily go round his and make an excuse to me about where she is going.

    Do I:

    1) Raise this with her and tell her my concerns, even though then she'll know I read her messages
    2) Message him direct and tell him to back off? But again, she'll know I read the messages
    3) Do nothing, let her go round his for coffee and stop overreacting
    4) Run away as fast as I can
    5) Add a GPS tracker to her car so I can see if she has gone to his house and then act, but until then stay calm.
    6) Suggest we see a relationship counsellor
    7) Other

    If I've missed out anything or if anything is unclear let me know. I'm just after some general opinions of people that can see this from an outside perspective :)

  2. #2
    Platinum Member shellyf62's Avatar
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    Wow, you are the most tolerant partner on the planet, and I am sorry this has happened to you.

    I would suggest Number 4. She disrespected you & your relationship by having an affair, got caught, promised to cut him off & now you find out she is still in contact.
    She likes the attention & lies to you about cutting him off.
    I honestly think there is nothing left once all trust is gone.

  3. #3

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    Thanks for the reply. People do often tell me I'm too nice, and I know I am, but I also know that people do make mistakes. Thanks again :)

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Since she knew he had a crush on her from the very beginning, she was crossing relationship boundaries by keeping a friendship with him when she was in a serious relationship with you. Her ego boost means more to her than losing you. Sometimes an affair can be a wake up call to a couple when there's been an emotional disconnection, and then upon the realization of losing the SO forever, decide to work on the marriage.

    She has not come through with her promise, which was a reasonable request and necessary for the health of the marriage. She is engaging in behavior she knows is wrong and values her connection with him more than what you mean to her, because she took such a risk again, even if you haven't found anything romantic.

    I know what it means to cut men off who crossed a boundary with me. When a guy who I was friends with as a teen (group friend) sent a friend request on Facebook, I thought it fun to catch up with an old friend from the past. When his message became inappropriate, I deleted him as a friend. That's what a decent woman does.

    I discussed relationship boundaries with my husband when we became exclusive because you always want someone who is on the same page in that area. I also told him I don't give second chances for cheating, because if those are a person's ethics, ethics are something that rarely change in a person. And I couldn't live with the thought of what a hurtful thing he did to me. My advice is to see a lawyer for custody issues and the dividing of property.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'm gong to second option 4.

    And I don't toss that out easily. I'm all for forgiveness, all for the idea of two people going through fires, disconnecting, reconnecting, carving out some wild path together.

    But reading what you wrote a pretty simple question came to my mind: What, exactly, are you getting out of this relationship? Not what it once was, or what it could be in your head, or what you can will it into with more patience, but what are you getting now? I mean, do you think your gf is awake at 2am, turning this stuff around in her mind the way you are? Do you even feel that you could remotely trust her to support you?

    Look, affairs happen, and I applaud you for not reacting with complete rage. But in trying to work through it where have you ended up? What has she done to turn the page to a new chapter? She has basically continued on, lied, broken the same promise, and so on. She has, right there, shown you who she is, shown you what forgiving her mistakes gets you. She is not a mystery any more. You've known her for 7 years. You know what you're in for: more of the same.

    The qualities that have allowed you to be patient in this are great qualities, but I think they're being deposited in the wrong bank. Whatever is going on with her—and you can have compassion for her, which is not the same as commitment—it's clear as day that she's lost complete respect for you and the relationship. Reward that and you'll just get more of the same.

    You are so young. Yes, you have a kid and a house and imagining how it all gets dismantled and rebuilt alone is tough. But you also have only one life, and this does not sound like the way you want to live it or, really, the sort of environment you want to raise a child in.

    Breaking up will be a painful chapter—but a chapter, not a life—and from what you've written it's clear at least to these eyes that you are being cheated out of the level of respect and happiness that everyone deserves.

    Imagine someone treating you with the respect and patience you're treating her. It's out there, it really is. Sadly, it's just not the person under your roof.

  7. #6
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I would suggest, to start, 6) due to your child/consider the physical and financial health of your girlfriend and resist making hasty decisions that antagonize her or the situation (protect your business/assets). And then 7) other meaning a lawyer.

    If this does go to court your character and finances will be looked at. Do you co-own this home or is it a rental? I'm suspecting you might worry about your girlfriend's welfare (health/diagnosed MS) as she still is the mother of your child and you may have a shared asset which you described as "the business"(is this exclusively yours? ie proprietorship?). What type of work does she do and can she support herself on her own work/income or is she an employee of this business? You will have to speak separately to divorce lawyers despite not having been legally married because most courts will deem the both of you common law partners and apportion rights/custody and any assets or support accordingly. You sound local to the UK (your time zone and one or two colloquialisms in your first post).

    As much as I'd myself want to run for the hills if I was in your position, I'm not sure it's the wisest choice at this time. If you are not certain about options available to you, I'd suggest you speak with a lawyer immediately especially where it concerns your child(custody), business and assets.
    Last edited by Rose Mosse; 03-27-2019 at 12:32 AM.

  8. #7
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    It is time to be done.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by querier
    Thanks for the reply. People do often tell me I'm too nice, and I know I am, but I also know that people do make mistakes. Thanks again :)
    There is nice, and then there is being a fool.

  10. #9

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    Thanks all so much for your responses. It's been really helpful to get an outsiders opinion :) Really glad I asked. What a fab forum!

  11. #10
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    You have been in deep denial for a long time about her and her affair, OP. The fact that you refer to this a "blip" is very telling. It suggests that you are still trying to minimize the gigantic problems between you and her.

    You're not being "nice" - you're being a doormat and don't have a backbone, man. You try to call it a mistake, but that's not what any of this is. It was an outright abuse of your far-too-appeasing approach to this relationship, a serious violation of your trust, and boundaries being broken all over the place. It was her getting involved with another man with your tacit consent, because it appears you were too afraid to stand up and say "oh, hell no!" when she started having sleepovers with him and then staying with him to "get away from stress." But OP, you can't be afraid anymore of losing someone who's already been gone for a while.

    Your relationship is as good as over. She has zero respect for you, and the trust has been obliterated. The chances that you two will be able to fully recover from this and go on to live happily ever after are extremely slim, especially considering that she is apparently not done with her affair partner.

    It's time to call a lawyer to help you navigate the separation, mortgage and child custody/visitation.

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