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Thread: Should I Stay?

  1. #1

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    Should I Stay?

    I have been in a relationship for the past 9 months and I no longer feel the spark. This is mainly because my boyfriend has a very rigid personality and because we have huge cultural differences ( he is not American and I am). I also have always searched for the kind of guy who couldn't get enough of me, wanted to know everything about me, and whose whole face would light up when he saw me or knew he was going to see me. A lot of times I feel like my boyfriend is not present, so I have never gotten that sense from him.

    We genuinely like and love each other as people. But I can't decide if it's in a platonic or a truly romantic way ( I am still very attracted to him). I want to be in a relationship where we grow together emotionally but also sexually. We have an issue in the bedroom department because our sexual styles are a little different. I am willing to compromise on this but I wonder if doing so means I am losing a bit of myself in the process, or if I am doomed to always dislike sex a little. I have compromised on so many things in the relationship but his rigidity and loyalty to his culture seem to make it almost impossible for him to do so.

    My boyfriend says the idea of sleeping with one person for the rest of his life scares him. And that if I would let him and it would cause no issues in the relationship, he would sleep with other people ( what man wouldn't?) but that is precisely my problem. Is it bad to want a guy who only wants to be with you? Do those men even exist? I had that once when I was a teenager but I feel like nowadays everyone is thinking the grass is greener.

    I want true, warm every fiber of your being, crazy love and a guy who is in it just as much as I am. Do I leave knowing I don't have that yet with my boyfriend and hope it some day gets there? Or are my desires ridiculously unrealistic? How do you know when it's time to leave a relationship, especially when you generally adore the person you're with?

  2. #2

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    "Is it bad to want a guy who only wants to be with you? Do those men even exist?"
    - Yes they exist. I'm a male and want this in a female.

    Regarding everything else in your post, what I always do is say to imagine yourself in 10/20/30 years. Can you still imagine yourself with this person then? What if they don't change, have you just wasted 30 years of your life with someone that's not going to give you what you want?

    Obviously I don't know you but it sounds like you're making a lot of compromises and he's not making any/many.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Yes, one-woman men exist. I've been with mine for almost 10 years. No, you shouldn't settle. The point of dating is to find out who is right for you and who isn't. He's not.

    It takes a lot of effort to find a guy who matches you in all the major ways. The secret is to cut loose the guys who don't make the grade as soon as you see he doesn't. This ensures you'll be free when the right one comes along. Good luck.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member LC8328's Avatar
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    Hi,

    You haven't even been with your BF for a year and he's already expressing his desires to sleep with other people. Mind you, this is supposed to be the honeymoon period of your relationship. In other words, this is not a good sign. I'm glad he was honest with you about his desires, but appalled that he told you that "if it was okay" with you, he would like to sleep with other people.

    My advice...you tell him sure it's okay, but I'm not going to be here when you get back.

    You may genuinely love and like each other, but there isn't enough here to maintain a long, healthy, respectful relationship. You two conflict in some very basic things. I know breaking up isn't easy but you absolutely deserve that man (who is indeed out there) who will love you and only you.

    Time to move on from this.

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  6. #5
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Please. For all that's holy, let this one go. A man (or woman) who loves you does not tell you or emit from any fiber of their being that they fear you being the last person they sleep with. That's the loudest crock if I've ever heard it. There will be someone for you who will light up when he sees you. I didn't believe it was in the cards for me and yet it has been. If you don't feel anything, anything at all, is right in your relationship, please do the wisest thing you can do and listen to your gut instincts. If it's even a hint of a doubt, there's often a reason even though you may not be able to rationalize things yet. Listen to your instincts.

  7. #6
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by fire22
    I have been in a relationship for the past 9 months and I no longer feel the spark. This is mainly because my boyfriend has a very rigid personality and because we have huge cultural differences

    We have an issue in the bedroom department because our sexual styles are a little different. I am willing to compromise on this but I wonder if doing so means I am losing a bit of myself in the process, or if I am doomed to always dislike sex a little. I have compromised on so many things in the relationship but his rigidity and loyalty to his culture seem to make it almost impossible for him to do so.

    My boyfriend says the idea of sleeping with one person for the rest of his life scares him. And that if I would let him and it would cause no issues in the relationship, he would sleep with other people
    You guys are incompatible on many levels and you're the one who's losing out on a lot here. I would tell him he is most welcome to go and sleep with as many women as he wants to, but I won't be around when he does so. I would then pack my bags and head for the door and never look back. You can do a LOT better than this guy. Show him you have enough self-respect to leave.

    Incompatibility gets you nowhere and all you're heading for with this guy is a miserable and unhappy life. Is this really what you envision for yourself? I know what I would do.

  8. #7
    Forum Supporter Jibralta's Avatar
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    You should go. The relationship that you describe sounds depressing. And you're the only one compromising. Surely he isn't the only attractive man on the planet?

  9. #8
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    You two are really incompatible, on a number of significant levels.

    I would end it. There are men out there who will be a better match for you, and you won't find yourself having to compromise this much.

  10. #9
    The moment he declared he wanted to sleep with other people was the moment your relationship was over. You are both too different, utterly incompatible in so many areas and you are no longer enough for him. His loyalty to his culture is more important to him than you are. Do you honestly think there is a future there? Because I think there isn't and i think you deserve sooo much better than that.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    OMG he needs to hit the road and you need to find a guy who does light up your life and doesnt tell you he cant imagine you'll be the last woman he sleeps with. What a low blow that is. You can do better.

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