I would like some help getting back together with my first love

Hey you guys, I am just looking for a little advice. I really care about this girl and I truly believe she is the one for me. I have tried moving on and a bunch of different things, but everything in my life is just pointing to her.

A little background:

We dated for a total of a year and a half. We were both freshman in college, very young, she had a few previous boyfriends but this was my first serious relationship. We had a TON of love, passion, we always said we loved each other with all of our hearts and souls etc. it was love at first sight for me, and she told me she never loved anyone this much. We were also both virgins and gave each other our virginities. We had one minor break-up because she had trust issues and went through my phone when I was sleeping and thought I had feelings for this girl (which I most definetely didn't, it was just a friend from back home). I was a pretty good boyfriend ( I neglected her sometimes to spend time with my friends (not so bad she just wanted me all to herself, kind of endearing really)) so she said she loved me a ton and it was clear she left the door open for me to pursue, and pursue I did. I wrote her letters, told her exactly how much she meant to me. We talked all summer (I live in Washington State, she lives in Charlotte NC), snapchatting and facetiming nearly every day. At first through this she said she wanted us to be friends for a year and that she wouldn't date anyone, and she compared our relationship to that of her sister's all the time (her sister broke up with her college boyfriend and they got back together several years later and are about to get married), but instead we never took the time to heal from the original breakup (I never really learned how to be a better boyfriend from it, I was so inexperienced). Anyway we had another pretty great six months, but one day I added that girl back on instagram (at the time I thought she was over it, I didn't give it a second thought) and my girl found out and nearly lost it. We then slowly started to fight more and more over silly stuff, and I made a few mistakes ( I told her I was gonna spend the next summer with her, but my dad talked me out of it and she got really upset, stuff like that,that I am absolutely KICKING myself for) but I was trying to be the best and most sensible boyfriend I could be, as much as I knew how. Anyway over winter break I thought long and hard about our problems, and I was determined to work through them with her when I got back. Turns out while I was doing that, she was talking to her parents/friends about breaking up with me. Then the semester started, and we were together for one more week, (still a lot of love there despite this) then she absolutely broke my heart when she got back from a weekend trip. She said that while she was away, she met these girls that said they knew their boyfriends were the one, and she said she didn't feel that with me. Then she explained how she still didn't trust me (even though she wrote me a letter over winter break that said she did), and told me about the promises that I didn't keep. I originally begged and pleaded, called her and texted her over and over, stayed up in her building all night waiting to talk to her (my bad I know, I was just really hurt). I then went no contact after that first week (I kept texting paragraphs and she could see I was active on snapchat, she eventually blocked me, then un-blocked me) and when she gave me back my stuff I went over to talk to her and ask her if I had any hope left. She said she didn't see it happening, but when I pressured her she said a few years from now maybe but she doesn't know how she would feel then. She said she loved me when she first broke up with me, said she wanted to be friends after we healed and she was clearly very sad, and hurt that first week. I heard she started going on dates after the first week and she even had sex with someone within the first few weeks (just found this out yesterday). I didn't talk to her for about two months, blocked then I gave her this letter that apologized for my craziness at the beginning of the break-up, thanked her for the memories she gave me, told her about how I planned to change, and how I hoped she would find that spark for me again. I also said I would like to meet with her and talk about being friends. She said the letter meant a lot to her, and she would like to get coffee with me. We met, and I thought I was ready, but it was still really seeing her, and I started to tell her how being friends with her was going to be hard for me because I wanted a relationship, but we caught up and I told her I would just need more time. I was polite and cordial, didn't break down. She seemed just normal, no emotion. I made her laugh, I still loved seeing her. She made a lot of friends after we broke up, she was doing well. When we talked she told me that she started smoking a lot of weed and making herself really busy. After we talked she texted me saying that she would wait however long it takes to be friends with me, and that she was glad we got to catch up. I came here because it has been a week since then and after seeing a post of her on insta looking EXTREMELY sexy and hearing she had sex with someone destroyed me. I love this girl, I know, in my heart, she is the one for me. She checks off boxes I didn't even know I had. I just wanted to know what to do next. ANY advice would be appreciated.

I also might add that when I blocked her because I was stalking and knew I needed to stop, she got mad at me because she thought I didn't want to be friends with her and she took down all of our photos off instagram. I told her I could never hate her.

I know you want her back, but it sounds like she doesn't feel the same. If she did, when you mentioned wanting to return to the relationship, she would have chimed in and said she agreed the two of you should try again. She wants to be friends. You're not able to be friends with her, maybe not ever, and it would be a mistake to keep talking to her and pretending to be her friend to try to convince her to date you again.

What you need to do is cut contact for a lot longer than two months and work on letting go and moving on. Chasing after her will just keep you stuck in the same painful place. I know it seems like the only way you'll feel better is if you get her back, but it isn't the truth. Get to a less emotional place and you will realize that there are plenty of other girls out there that would want to date you who haven't actively chosen to remove you from their life so they can sleep with other guys. Remember, the first love is often the hardest to get over. Give it time, and don't be her ego boost while she explores other men.

I appreciate your advice, a lot of my friends/ family told me the same. I have grown in a lot of ways, I know I still need to move on, but I don't think anyone really understands. We talked about marriage/kids. We talked about a house together, we talked about after college. She told me she wants me in her life, and I know this sleeping/ around/ dating is her trying to fill a void. I don't care about other girls. I have tried to put myself out there, and it always ends with me stopping whatever is happening and feeling worse about myself. I am not just going to give up, I never have in any part of my life.

Your initial problems seem relatively minor. I think both of you are just very young and inexperienced (small things get to you). This is fine. Don't feel insecure about it too much and put things in perspective next time. Sure, you made a mistake and you regretted it (it was careless not malicious or with ill-intent). She doesn't have the maturity to look past that and there's nothing you can do about it. Respect her decision and don't force anything.

It's normal to talk about marriage/house/kids in your first serious relationship. After that it doesn't happen so often because you'll be more realistic and your bar moves up a little higher/your threshold before you realize it's realistic to even talk about such things with someone. Your situation isn't unique and this is your first break up. First break ups are usually always devastating. You'll look back on this one day and shake your head, I guarantee you. Take it easy and move forward. I agree with the other poster that she's not interested in you any longer (her feelings towards you changed) and there is nothing you can do about it. She needs to grow more and so do you. Things will look up. Keep moving.

I think you still have allot to learn. You clearly know now that you shouldn't have added a girl that your GF was very insecure about, even though you had no interest in that other girl. But that didn't matter to her. You blew the trust there. She also felt you were a little unreliable, bailing on hers and your summer plans because you were 'talked out of it'. This didn't make you look good at all. It hurt her. As much as you have tried, it honestly doesn't sound like she in interested in being in a relationship with you again. She has moved on. She's happy and doing well. I think you should do the same.

I know that and I appreciate your help, but I am not gonna give up. I think I can re-attract her, I just need some help. Please I need some advice. I am not gonna let this one go.

I know that and I appreciate your help, but I am not gonna give up. I think I can re-attract her, I just need some help. Please I need some advice. I am not gonna let this one go.

She knows your feelings and i honestly don't know what else you can do at the moment. You just have to respect her wishes. Don't be clingy and pushy with her. I can feel your strong emotions through your post and I genuinely believe you really do love her. I really do hope it works out. Who knows what may happen in the future.

Thank you. She really cares about me too. She really wants to be friends, she hid the fact that she slept with someone from me, told my friends not to tell me. They told me because they wanted me to move on. Never been more crushed. She was so sweet and innocent before she met me, and I wish I knew how to handle a relationship before I met her.

Also I might add we go to the same college, so we run into each other on campus sometimes and we share a ton of friends

Should I tell her that I can't be her friend, even if I think this is the only way I can be with her again?

Should I tell her that I can't be her friend, even if I think this is the only way I can be with her again?

In my point of view, if it's meant to be then it will be. You cant push and force things. Being friends then not being friends will confuse her to the point where she wont know what she wants and will inevitably run from it. My point being, is don't push the matter with her. She knows how you feel. She knows you want to be with her. All you can do is be friendly and loving around her without putting the pressure on her.

That is good advice, you are right. How do I stop thinking about her being with other guys though? I am trying so hard to move on and change, hoping she will see that in me.

Also I don't think I ever want to be with anyone else. I was comfortable with her, everything felt right, I had my innocent love of her. I am trying so hard but I am getting nowhere. Is it normal for girls to move on really quickly after a breakup?

Also I am CONVINCED I can't find anyone as great as her. It is just the worst.

That is good advice, you are right. How do I stop thinking about her being with other guys though? I am trying so hard to move on and change, hoping she will see that in me.

Keep your mind occupied if you can. It's just going to drive you crazy thinking about things like that. Give it time with her. Keep showing her what a great loving guy you are. It's not going to happen overnight.

You are right man. I really appreciate the advice. I am glad I at least didn't get mad at her/beg too much initially, so she still wants me in her life.

The thing is, I ABSOLUTELY know the relationship could work if she gave it another chance, but at the same time I know that she has always jumped from relationship-relationship (ours was her longest) and she never had any time to be single and find herself. I think she deserves that in a way, even if I don't like the thought of her jumping from guy to guy. I think I have to just be patient and live my life the best I can, I just don't think I will be able to commit to anyone else, and I hope neither can she and she will find it in her heart to come back.

Also I have to say I think the breakup needed to happen in the first place, in order to get some clarity and to grow/heal, at least for myself. NO relationship is perfect.

Also one more indication of the bond we had, we were each other's best friends. Not anymore I guess.

Oh man, stop reading articles and listening to videos from "ex-gurus" online. They are brainwashing you. I honestly think your ex would be frightened by you if she read these posts. Your laser-focus commitment to get her back is misplaced, because there are no signs she is interested in you at all anymore.

I am not making this comment to put you down. I just think you should be aware that you are deep in the breakup emotions right now and are saying very irrational things. I know eventually you are going to move past this, feel better, and date others, but you will definitely prolong your pain if you stay in the denial/bargaining mindset. It will definitely assure the two of you won't get back together to boot. No woman who leaves you will find your dedication charming. She would find all of this disturbing and even if you got her back, she would likely dump you as soon as she sniffed out the truth (that you never moved on even a little bit). Get some professional help.

Yea man I know. I am just super inexperienced, I just didn't really know what to do. I have been trying to stay away from those, I guess late at night I watch those when I feel kinda lonely to fill the void. I just gotta get myself back.

You've watched too many Disney movies my friend. Life is not some romcom where the star-crossed lovers eventually see that they are right for each other and only each other. You need to get the idea of "THE ONE" out of your head....it's a myth. There are thousands of people on the planet that you could have a meaningful relationship with.

How old are you?

I am 20. Also one of the reasons she broke up with me is because she doesn't think I am "the one"

Yea man I know. I am just super inexperienced, I just didn't really know what to do. I have been trying to stay away from those, I guess late at night I watch those when I feel kinda lonely to fill the void. I just gotta get myself back.

I thought so. Those "experts" are people preying on the broken-hearted, selling "magic solutions" for a price. They offer you enough free material that supports what you want to hear (that if you make all the right moves you can get your ex back) and keep you hooked into replaying their videos to cope until you finally spend the money.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I have been there and it is ugly. You've never gotten over a love yet because she is your first, but I promise you if you go no contact (for the sole purpose of healing and not as a manipulation ploy to get her back) and stop feeding yourself lies off the internet, it will get better. Not right away, of course, but anything is better than what you've been doing. Try to regain your life and peace of mind. This girl is not the end all be all of your happiness.