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Thread: Husband "cheating"?

  1. #1

    Husband "cheating"?

    My husband and I have been married for nine years. We have two kids; ages 4 and 2. This past weekend, I found emails (quite honestly, by accident) between my husband and a "dominatrix"... I'm not certain as to what to really call her. You can go on her website and watch videos of her teasing and dominating men, you can also make appointments to have her do it to you. My husband initiated an email, telling her he was interested in an appointment. She replied, he had further inquires and they chatted. She mentioned the price would be $600. His last email said that he was really interested, but nervous, was thinking of mid-April for a date but would get back after he thought it over some more. I confronted him, he said he never planned on actually going through with it. Do I believe that??? I'm totally lost, feel sick over it and feel like I can't talk to anyone without them judging him. Is this cheating??

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Absolutely , trying to contract someone for sex is cheating. It doesn’t matter at all that he planned on not going through with it . He still thought about cheating and planned it and talked to her about it. Personally ,you should have an STD check and I would tell him to pack his bags .

  3. #3
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    Has he been saving up money?

  4. #4
    Not that I know of, but I can't be certain. He works and I am home with the kids. We have a joint bank account, but I never even look at it. I could, I just don't... it's not like it's hidden from me. If I saw a withdrawal for $600, I previously wouldn't have thought much of it.

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  6. #5
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    I’m always hesitant to jump to “leave him” when there is a family and small children involved... I mean... I guess it’s possible that he was watching porn and was curious about what she charged or something...

    What is your relationship like? Have you ever had a reason not to trust him before? How’s your sex life?

    My advice would be to - yes - definitely get an STD test but also to go to marriage counseling (non-negotiable). You definitely have some stuff to work through (feelings, broken trust, betrayal, etc) - and a therapist can help you determine the next steps (which may or may not be leaving the relationship)

  7. #6
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    I'm with RedDress on this one. I wouldn't jump to leaving just yet. I do think that what he was planning to do was cheating and likely a symptom of deeper issues in your marriage, but you get to decide how upset you are about his actions (and to me you seem upset but not "pack your bags" angry). Figure out if he is willing to work on the issues with you. If he's not, splitting will be inevitable, but sometimes couples are able to get past infedelity. It will require complete transparency on his part and a willingness to truly forgive on your side, though.

    Oh, and 100% get a full STD workup and have regular testing from now on. It's always a good idea to do this periodically whether you're in a committed relationship or not.

  8. #7
    Thank you everyone. I feel so confused, it is terrible. Our marriage has not been great since the kids were born. We are more friends than anything right now. We have a lot of fun, but there is really no intimacy, which I seem to keep blaming myself for... making me think this is all actually my fault.

  9. #8
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    I wouldn't leave yet either. What is the reason there is no intimacy? Did it die down because of the kids?
    If so do you have any close family members or friends that could babysit ones in a while, so you guys could go on date nights?
    It's important to invest time in your romantic relationship even after having kids. And try discussing what it is he misses in the bedroom.
    For him to look up a dominatrix, it probably was because he thought you would not be comfortable doing certain stuff with him in the bedroom. Try and figure out together what you would be comfortable with.

  10. 03-27-2019, 03:55 AM
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  11. #9
    Don't blame yourself for this. If it was as simple as catching him watching porn, it could easily be forgotten about. But this isn't just porn. He contacted a woman with an intent to make an appointment with her for sexual activities. This is cheating I'm afraid. He likely feels a lack of sexual gratification in the marriage but that is not your fault. It's neither of your fault. You are raising 2 very young children and that is hard work for any parent. How you decide to move forward is up to you. If you feel that you want to save the marriage then i suggest some marriage counselling to work through each others issues.

  12. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You need to make an appointment asap with a therapist privately and confidentially to sort through this. Remember this is the tip of the iceberg and only what you came across and uncovered. He did not volunteer this info. His proclivities and extracurricular activities are not your fault. Anyone paying any type of sex worker is a drain financially and a risk to your health.

    You also need to check all your (and his) financials, credit cards, bank accounts, etc and look for unexplained cash withdrawals, purchases, etc. He has been lying by omission for who knows how long, so of course he'll lie when confronted.
    Originally Posted by AbbieMurph
    I found emails (quite honestly, by accident) between my husband and a "dominatrix".
    She mentioned the price would be $600.
    he said he never planned on actually going through with it.

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