Female friends and trust

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3,5 years in that time he's made mention of certain female friends he had. But I've never met anyone of them. At first, I did not have a problem with it, they did not really seem to play an active role in his life. Until we had a breakup after 1,5 years and he kissed one of his female friends shortly after our break up. He did not tell me about, but I had a strange feeling about them and that's how I found out. And he then also admitted that they had kissed several times before we even got into a relationship.

After that whole situation, we got back together and we agreed that he would not contact her again.

Only to find out he was still talking to her and even had plans to meet up.

I let it go again. He got a new job, that causes him to always travel all over the world. There was another female friend from his past he wanted to meet up with. He told me about this time, so I did not want to be difficult about it. But once again, I just had that strange feeling. He was gone for a long time for this trip and after meeting up with her, he just started communicating less and not picking up my phone calls.

When he came back, he admitted that she came to see him at his hotel and came to his room and had confessed her love for him and that if he would break up with me, she would be waiting for him etc.

Ones again we were in the position of him having a female friend, that clearly wanted to be more than friends. So I was not comfortable with them, keeping in touch. It was a struggle for months, with him still keeping in contact and me not being cool with it until he finally stopped.

Things have gone really well ever since but about two weeks ago another female friend from the past popped up. And wants to meet up with him. He told me about it and suggested I come along to meet her, which made me feel better about the whole situation. But now this girl told him she wants to meet with him alone, because it has been a while since she's seen him and that it would make her uncomfortable if I am there.

What should I do? He really wants to meet up with her and I just don't understand why she would have a problem with me being there if they are just platonic friends. Am I overreacting?

You need to break up with him. He clearly isn't ready or willing to keep any kind of commitment to you. When you're not around he gives into temptation with no remorse.

Why would you want to be with someone like that?

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3,5 years in that time he's made mention of certain female friends he had. But I've never met anyone of them. At first, I did not have a problem with it, they did not really seem to play an active role in his life. Until we had a breakup after 1,5 years and he kissed one of his female friends shortly after our break up. He did not tell me about, but I had a strange feeling about them and that's how I found out. And he then also admitted that they had kissed several times before we even got into a relationship.

 

After that whole situation, we got back together and we agreed that he would not contact her again.

Only to find out he was still talking to her and even had plans to meet up.

I let it go again. He got a new job, that causes him to always travel all over the world. There was another female friend from his past he wanted to meet up with. He told me about this time, so I did not want to be difficult about it. But once again, I just had that strange feeling. He was gone for a long time for this trip and after meeting up with her, he just started communicating less and not picking up my phone calls.

When he came back, he admitted that she came to see him at his hotel and came to his room and had confessed her love for him and that if he would break up with me, she would be waiting for him etc.

Ones again we were in the position of him having a female friend, that clearly wanted to be more than friends. So I was not comfortable with them, keeping in touch. It was a struggle for months, with him still keeping in contact and me not being cool with it until he finally stopped.

 

Things have gone really well ever since but about two weeks ago another female friend from the past popped up. And wants to meet up with him. He told me about it and suggested I come along to meet her, which made me feel better about the whole situation. But now this girl told him she wants to meet with him alone, because it has been a while since she's seen him and that it would make her uncomfortable if I am there.

 

What should I do? He really wants to meet up with her and I just don't understand why she would have a problem with me being there if they are just platonic friends. Am I overreacting?

Do you trust him? Let's forget about what you think may happen- and discuss what actually has happened. There was a girl he kissed before you dated and during your breakup, yet not during. He said he wouldn't contact her, but did, but presumably nothing has actually happened between them.

Another woman came on to him, and he rejected her advances. You told him you weren't okay with the contact and so he stopped.

Another girl who is his friend wants to get together. He told you about it and invited you along. Don't overreact to this- She'd probably be uncomfortable because she wants to catch up with him. This is sometimes common with old friends- sometimes it can be awkward if they are discussing people, places and events you don't know of. I have done both with my husband- gone and not gone when he's wanted to meet up with old friends. In all honestly, sometimes I do prefer not going, because you often just sit there while they reference things you don't know. It can get very boring.

As far as your boyfriend is concerned, it seems like apart from that one little white lie, he's pretty faithful to you.

You cannot be upset about his having kissed someone else while you weren't together- you weren't together, so that's unreasonable.

You cannot be mad at him for someone else confessing their feelings for him- he can't control that and it sounds like he rejected her anyway. If he was still friends with her, maybe he didn't want to make her feel bad. Imagine that a old guy friend of yours that you were close to but had no romantic interest in confessed love for you? You would tell him you weren't interested and that you have a boyfriend, but you likely would not shun him or tell him you could never speak to him again. Because honestly, that's kind of cruel- especially if nothing actually happened and no harm was done.

This other friend sounds like just a friend and he told you and invited you, so I'm not sure why you're upset?

He's pretty much proven he's faithful to you yet you seem convinced he's going to eventually cheat on you. Why?

If she were a true friend,, I would think that she would have no trouble at all meeting you and including you in the conversation regardless of how long its been since she's seen him.

I'm surprised your partner didn't just tell her that you're a package deal and that's, that.

You'll get many different perspectives on this depending on who meets up one on one with opposite sex friends and who doesn't. Its about having the same romantic relationship boundaries as your partner... or not, I don't think mistrust or even insecurity have a say in compatible romantic relationship boundaries.

Do you meet up with opposite sex friends one-on-one?

He seems either childlike or harbouring an unusually low(very low) IQ/EQ. Most adults are capable of sensing when their partners are uncomfortable and would not further seek approval to go ahead with uncomfortable situations. The issue, I don't think, is with the to go or not to go see the opposite sex(as friends). It's the fact that he can't read when you're uncomfortable and puts you in the awkward situation of approving his intentions.

I agree with Sarah. I’d break up with him as well.

I’m cool with my husband having friends that are girls, and I’ve met them all. There were two in particular that didn’t sit well with me, so I sort of asked a few of my other friends who knew them better to see if others felt the way I had. None of my other friends had anything good to say about the two girls either. I kept quiet about it for a few more parties/gatherings and they continued to cross the line, so I finally told my husband that I am not willing to be in a relationship that allows room for other people. Neither of us have seen or spoken to those two since. The rest of his female friends have become my friends as well, and that’s how it should be.

Your boyfriend has allowed PLENTY of room for doubt and insecurity. It’s up to you whether you want to be in a relationship like that or not.

Do you trust him? Let's forget about what you think may happen- and discuss what actually has happened. There was a girl he kissed before you dated and during your breakup, yet not during. He said he wouldn't contact her, but did, but presumably nothing has actually happened between them.

 

Another woman came on to him, and he rejected her advances. You told him you weren't okay with the contact and so he stopped.

 

Another girl who is his friend wants to get together. He told you about it and invited you along. Don't overreact to this- She'd probably be uncomfortable because she wants to catch up with him. This is sometimes common with old friends- sometimes it can be awkward if they are discussing people, places and events you don't know of. I have done both with my husband- gone and not gone when he's wanted to meet up with old friends. In all honestly, sometimes I do prefer not going, because you often just sit there while they reference things you don't know. It can get very boring.

 

As far as your boyfriend is concerned, it seems like apart from that one little white lie, he's pretty faithful to you.

 

You cannot be upset about his having kissed someone else while you weren't together- you weren't together, so that's unreasonable.

 

You cannot be mad at him for someone else confessing their feelings for him- he can't control that and it sounds like he rejected her anyway. If he was still friends with her, maybe he didn't want to make her feel bad. Imagine that a old guy friend of yours that you were close to but had no romantic interest in confessed love for you? You would tell him you weren't interested and that you have a boyfriend, but you likely would not shun him or tell him you could never speak to him again. Because honestly, that's kind of cruel- especially if nothing actually happened and no harm was done.

 

This other friend sounds like just a friend and he told you and invited you, so I'm not sure why you're upset?

 

He's pretty much proven he's faithful to you yet you seem convinced he's going to eventually cheat on you. Why?

Because he hasn't always been forthcoming about it and I had to find out myself. Plus he has these two female friends in another country that he sees when he's there for work. And they constantly seem to be trying to hook him up with other people or make jokes about him cheating. Which makes me question what he must have told them about our relationship for them to act this way and basically not acknowledge our relationship

If she were a true friend,, I would think that she would have no trouble at all meeting you and including you in the conversation regardless of how long its been since she's seen him.

 

I'm surprised your partner didn't just tell her that you're a package deal and that's, that.

 

You'll get many different perspectives on this depending on who meets up one on one with opposite sex friends and who doesn't. Its about having the same romantic relationship boundaries as your partner... or not, I don't think mistrust or even insecurity have a say in compatible romantic relationship boundaries.

 

Do you meet up with opposite sex friends one-on-one?

No, I don't, it's always in a group setting. I used to study with an ex every once in a while after me and my bf broke up and shortly after we got back together, but decided I didn't think it was appropriate since we were both attracted to each other and we were both in a serious relationship.

Because he hasn't always been forthcoming about it and I had to find out myself. Plus he has these two female friends in another country that he sees when he's there for work. And they constantly seem to be trying to hook him up with other people or make jokes about him cheating. Which makes me question what he must have told them about our relationship for them to act this way and basically not acknowledge our relationship

But he DID tell you that the one woman came onto him- which he didn't have to. And he did tell you about the friend he wanted to meet up with. It makes sense if he has friends in other countries that he would see them when visiting there. He can't control other people's thoughts or behaviors. You cannot blame him for other people's actions. If you want to stay with him, then you need to be fair to him.

BUT- If you really don't trust him or think he's definitely going to cheat on you and furthermore you believe he's trash talking you or your relationship- WHY are you with him?? If you truly don't feel like you can trust him, you should just break up.

But he DID tell you that the one woman came onto him- which he didn't have to. And he did tell you about the friend he wanted to meet up with. It makes sense if he has friends in other countries that he would see them when visiting there. He can't control other people's thoughts or behaviors. You cannot blame him for other people's actions. If you want to stay with him, then you need to be fair to him.

I disagree with all of this.

He shouldn’t have told you about the woman coming onto him. That was oversharing and has done nothing but make you more insecure. A good man would’ve immediately shut her down and removed himself from the situation. No need to make you stress about it.

And while he can’t control other people’s behaviors, he can absolutely control the situations he puts himself in and the way he’s perceived. Clearly he made this girl feel like she had a shot, otherwise she would not have confessed her feelings. A woman doesn’t just admit an undying love to a man that she knows is fully in love with someone else. Your boyfriend made himself seem available to her. That’s on him.

If he’s too socially inept to pick up ques that a woman is interested in more than friendship (I don’t believe he is, I think he’s just playing innocent so he can do what he wants), then he should stop putting himself in one on one situations with women. Period.

For me it's a matter of the character of the man I am with vs. the fact that he has friends of the opposite sex. If he a trustworthy person, behaves with integrity, and has good character, then what these women do won't have an impact one way or the other on the relationship. You say he is hiding these women (or trying to) from you... is it because you question his integrity and he doesn't want to deal with your insecurity, or is it because he is indeed being shady?

But he DID tell you that the one woman came onto him- which he didn't have to. And he did tell you about the friend he wanted to meet up with. It makes sense if he has friends in other countries that he would see them when visiting there. He can't control other people's thoughts or behaviors. You cannot blame him for other people's actions. If you want to stay with him, then you need to be fair to him.

 

BUT- If you really don't trust him or think he's definitely going to cheat on you and furthermore you believe he's trash talking you or your relationship- WHY are you with him?? If you truly don't feel like you can trust him, you should just break up.

You're right he can't control other people's actions. It's just that I would personally not be ok with my friends trying to hook me up with other people. And let them know they were being disrespectful. Plus he just made these two friends during his recent travels, so it's not like they've known each other for years.

And he only told me the full truth about those other situations after I found out. But yeah, I have some thinking to do..

I disagree with all of this.

 

He shouldn’t have told you about the woman coming onto him. That was oversharing and has done nothing but make you more insecure. A good man would’ve immediately shut her down and removed himself from the situation. No need to make you stress about it.

 

And while he can’t control other people’s behaviors, he can absolutely control the situations he puts himself in and the way he’s perceived. Clearly he made this girl feel like she had a shot, otherwise she would not have confessed her feelings. A woman doesn’t just admit an undying love to a man that she knows is fully in love with someone else. Your boyfriend made himself seem available to her. That’s on him.

 

If he’s too socially inept to pick up ques that a woman is interested in more than friendship (I don’t believe he is, I think he’s just playing innocent so he can do what he wants), then he should stop putting himself in one on one situations with women. Period.

That's what I thought, she wouldn't just profess her love for him out of the blue. Thanks for your advice.

That's what I thought, she wouldn't just profess her love for him out of the blue. Thanks for your advice.

If that is really your opinion of him, then you should 100% break up.

You need to let this guy go so he can have all the freedom he desires. It's time for a breakup. Obviously, his loyalty and devotion are not focused on you.

You deserve a man who knows how to treat you with respect.

No, I don't, it's always in a group setting. I used to study with an ex every once in a while after me and my bf broke up and shortly after we got back together, but decided I didn't think it was appropriate since we were both attracted to each other and we were both in a serious relationship.

So you do defo have different romantic relationship boundaries and if you are not on the same page when it comes to this, you're going to always feel disrespected (especially if he listens to his so called "friend" and doesn't bring you after he said you could come) and that indifference to you will (more likely then not) ruin the emotional connection you two have/had!

fter that whole situation, we got back together and we agreed that he would not contact her again.

Only to find out he was still talking to her and even had plans to meet up.

Sounds to me that two things are at play here: (1) You two never quite got back on a truly smooth and trusting road after the breakup, in large part because (2) your bf sounds, if you'll forgive me, like a bit of a dunce.

At some point—only you can say when—the issue of his "female friends" because an issue in your relationship. Fine. Issues happen. This is a common one. A non-dunce sees that, listens, takes steps to soften the threat, to change his behavior, to make sure you guys are good; he's repeatedly done the opposite, using, probably only semi-consciously, the "female friend" card as a sword, dangling it here, dangling there, getting you on edge, stirring those "strange feelings."

Not uncommon, all that. Never cool, never cute.

Sadly, it kind of sounds like it's become a bit of currency between you two—one of these toxic currencies that slither into a relationship and replace the exchange of genuine affection. Like, I don't know, maybe you pushed a bit after the breakup because of that "strange feeling," and whether you had that "strange feeling" because of your own insecurities, lack of trust in him, or your deep core sense that he's a sucker female attention—well, that doesn't much matter now. What matters is he capitulated with "yeah, so we made out once," and, with some more "talking" about it all, he let you know they'd made out before.

That's swordplay. That's fanning the flames under the guise of putting out a fire—a dynamic that seems deeply entrenched. Not pointing a finger at you, just spotting how sometimes these corrosive dynamics take hold and stick without us realizing it. And, sadly, some of us have to get knotted up in one or two of these things to be able to spot them more quickly in the future.

Because, big picture again: dude is a dunce. The big dunce move was saying he wouldn't talk to the first girl and then, well, talking to her. If he felt there was a genuine friendship, kissing aside—well, he could have been a man and tried to explain that. Instead he was a dunce. And as indea aptly noted, it was absurd of him to tell you about the hotel incident. No reason for that except to keep that edge front and center. Flashing his blade. Dunce stuff.

As for the latest little "female friend" record scratch—well, again his behavior is Dunce 101. She wants to catch up solo—well, sorry. Meet the gf first, because of your history, because your comfort and equilibrium is his priority, and maybe the two of them can catch up another day, once and if you're feeling steady and solid. Simple etiquette where everyone wins, where you guys actually get to get closer. Unless, for him, he doesn't want to "lose" the sword and/or he just has no idea how to be decent. Lose-lose, for you, either way.

Anyhow, I know 3.5 years is a long time, and I'm sure there's all sorts of great times between you two that are hard to imagine letting go of. But don't mistake feeling on edge with big feelings for someone—and certainly know that it's not how one should regularly feel inside a relationship. You should feel like what you are—unique, singular, someone anyone would be lucky to be with, and who will cherish you. He's not doing that. He's pushing you, testing you, seeing what he can get away with. Not saying he's on the road to being a cheat, just that he sounds like someone who doesn't understand that being "liked" by many can come at the expense of being loved by—and genuinely loving—one.

He's wearing a dunce cap, and I'd suggest doing some real thinking about whether he's worth your time.

You need to wake up! These girls are more than friends, and he is emotionally cheating on you, maybe more!

You should never have let the first incident go. Lose the boyfriend and learn to establish better boundaries.

Thanks for the input everyone, I appreciate it. I just wanted to clarify that he is def not the player type. But just someone with a really high IQ but low EQ. Which is why he does not see the dangers I see. Now it's up to me if I want to deal with having to always explain when things are not appropriate..

Now it's up to me if I want to deal with having to always explain when things are not appropriate..

Girl please... first, unless we are talking about your actual child here, do you really want to be someone's "mom" in order for them to behave in a socially acceptable way? And second, he is not as dumb as you make him out to be; he is probably just acting that way so he can behave however he wants. It's the oldest trick in the book.

Thanks for the input everyone, I appreciate it. I just wanted to clarify that he is def not the player type. But just someone with a really high IQ but low EQ. Which is why he does not see the dangers I see. Now it's up to me if I want to deal with having to always explain when things are not appropriate..

Well, its up to you if you want to do that. Me? I think its in someone's best interest to find someone who knows what is appropriate and what isn't rather then train them to be who I want them to be and wondering if they "got" it whenever they're not in my site. He said he wouldn't contact the other bimbo but he did.

It should be common sense to tell some chick he barely knows that his g/f is coming to meet her so that nothing looks inappropriate or disrespectful to (what is suppose to be) his Significant Other. Any opposite sex (so called) "friend" would NEVER ask someone to come without their partner if he's suggested she come too. He's dumb as a brick if he thinks that she isn't someone who isn't a self-absorbed and manipulative twit looking for more than friendship and he isn't so dumb that he can't see that. He likes the ego stroke and the excitement of her focus on him. Would she ask a same sex friend to not bring her partner to meet her? Doubtful I think.

Agree you should end things. They are not "friends".

he admitted that she came to see him at his hotel and came to his room and had confessed her love for him and that if he would break up with me, she would be waiting for him etc.

My first reaction upon reading the above in the post was: Why did he tell you that she confessed her love for him and that she would be waiting for him? Why ad more fuel to an already existing fire? Wouldn't you rather nip a situation like that in the bud?

I'm sorry for the place you're in. Healthy relationships are built on honesty, open communication and mutual respect. No relationship can survive for very long without these components and will eventually lead to conflict and a lack of harmony leaving one or both partners suffering physically, emotionally and/or mentally.

 

You've asked whether or you're overreacting and personally I don't think you are. I believe you raise some areas of genuine concern and you might want to go deeper in conversation with him the next time the two of you speak particularly regarding his views and level of commitment as well as any long-term relationship goals.

 

Do you think you'd feel comfortable speaking about this with your boyfriend? Expressing your feelings to him and asking him some open-ended questions might feel awkward at first but it's a good way to clarify the direction your relationship is heading and whether or not you should part ways amicably.

 

I hope the two of you can work something out that will put your mind at ease and be the best overall decision for the relationship and for your health. Praying you through this...Blessings friend!

Thans for your advice, I had a very good conversation with him. And he understands my feelings better now. He even decided on his own to cancel the apointment.