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Thread: Female friends and trust

  1. #1
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    Female friends and trust

    My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3,5 years in that time he's made mention of certain female friends he had. But I've never met anyone of them. At first, I did not have a problem with it, they did not really seem to play an active role in his life. Until we had a breakup after 1,5 years and he kissed one of his female friends shortly after our break up. He did not tell me about, but I had a strange feeling about them and that's how I found out. And he then also admitted that they had kissed several times before we even got into a relationship.

    After that whole situation, we got back together and we agreed that he would not contact her again.
    Only to find out he was still talking to her and even had plans to meet up.
    I let it go again. He got a new job, that causes him to always travel all over the world. There was another female friend from his past he wanted to meet up with. He told me about this time, so I did not want to be difficult about it. But once again, I just had that strange feeling. He was gone for a long time for this trip and after meeting up with her, he just started communicating less and not picking up my phone calls.
    When he came back, he admitted that she came to see him at his hotel and came to his room and had confessed her love for him and that if he would break up with me, she would be waiting for him etc.
    Ones again we were in the position of him having a female friend, that clearly wanted to be more than friends. So I was not comfortable with them, keeping in touch. It was a struggle for months, with him still keeping in contact and me not being cool with it until he finally stopped.

    Things have gone really well ever since but about two weeks ago another female friend from the past popped up. And wants to meet up with him. He told me about it and suggested I come along to meet her, which made me feel better about the whole situation. But now this girl told him she wants to meet with him alone, because it has been a while since she's seen him and that it would make her uncomfortable if I am there.

    What should I do? He really wants to meet up with her and I just don't understand why she would have a problem with me being there if they are just platonic friends. Am I overreacting?

  2. #2
    Silver Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    You need to break up with him. He clearly isn't ready or willing to keep any kind of commitment to you. When you're not around he gives into temptation with no remorse.

    Why would you want to be with someone like that?

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    Originally Posted by bloempje
    My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3,5 years in that time he's made mention of certain female friends he had. But I've never met anyone of them. At first, I did not have a problem with it, they did not really seem to play an active role in his life. Until we had a breakup after 1,5 years and he kissed one of his female friends shortly after our break up. He did not tell me about, but I had a strange feeling about them and that's how I found out. And he then also admitted that they had kissed several times before we even got into a relationship.

    After that whole situation, we got back together and we agreed that he would not contact her again.
    Only to find out he was still talking to her and even had plans to meet up.
    I let it go again. He got a new job, that causes him to always travel all over the world. There was another female friend from his past he wanted to meet up with. He told me about this time, so I did not want to be difficult about it. But once again, I just had that strange feeling. He was gone for a long time for this trip and after meeting up with her, he just started communicating less and not picking up my phone calls.
    When he came back, he admitted that she came to see him at his hotel and came to his room and had confessed her love for him and that if he would break up with me, she would be waiting for him etc.
    Ones again we were in the position of him having a female friend, that clearly wanted to be more than friends. So I was not comfortable with them, keeping in touch. It was a struggle for months, with him still keeping in contact and me not being cool with it until he finally stopped.

    Things have gone really well ever since but about two weeks ago another female friend from the past popped up. And wants to meet up with him. He told me about it and suggested I come along to meet her, which made me feel better about the whole situation. But now this girl told him she wants to meet with him alone, because it has been a while since she's seen him and that it would make her uncomfortable if I am there.

    What should I do? He really wants to meet up with her and I just don't understand why she would have a problem with me being there if they are just platonic friends. Am I overreacting?

    Do you trust him? Let's forget about what you think may happen- and discuss what actually has happened. There was a girl he kissed before you dated and during your breakup, yet not during. He said he wouldn't contact her, but did, but presumably nothing has actually happened between them.

    Another woman came on to him, and he rejected her advances. You told him you weren't okay with the contact and so he stopped.

    Another girl who is his friend wants to get together. He told you about it and invited you along. Don't overreact to this- She'd probably be uncomfortable because she wants to catch up with him. This is sometimes common with old friends- sometimes it can be awkward if they are discussing people, places and events you don't know of. I have done both with my husband- gone and not gone when he's wanted to meet up with old friends. In all honestly, sometimes I do prefer not going, because you often just sit there while they reference things you don't know. It can get very boring.

    As far as your boyfriend is concerned, it seems like apart from that one little white lie, he's pretty faithful to you.

    You cannot be upset about his having kissed someone else while you weren't together- you weren't together, so that's unreasonable.

    You cannot be mad at him for someone else confessing their feelings for him- he can't control that and it sounds like he rejected her anyway. If he was still friends with her, maybe he didn't want to make her feel bad. Imagine that a old guy friend of yours that you were close to but had no romantic interest in confessed love for you? You would tell him you weren't interested and that you have a boyfriend, but you likely would not shun him or tell him you could never speak to him again. Because honestly, that's kind of cruel- especially if nothing actually happened and no harm was done.

    This other friend sounds like just a friend and he told you and invited you, so I'm not sure why you're upset?

    He's pretty much proven he's faithful to you yet you seem convinced he's going to eventually cheat on you. Why?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    If she were a true friend,, I would think that she would have no trouble at all meeting you and including you in the conversation regardless of how long its been since she's seen him.

    I'm surprised your partner didn't just tell her that you're a package deal and that's, that.

    You'll get many different perspectives on this depending on who meets up one on one with opposite sex friends and who doesn't. Its about having the same romantic relationship boundaries as your partner... or not, I don't think mistrust or even insecurity have a say in compatible romantic relationship boundaries.

    Do you meet up with opposite sex friends one-on-one?

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  6. #5
    Gold Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    He seems either childlike or harbouring an unusually low(very low) IQ/EQ. Most adults are capable of sensing when their partners are uncomfortable and would not further seek approval to go ahead with uncomfortable situations. The issue, I don't think, is with the to go or not to go see the opposite sex(as friends). It's the fact that he can't read when you're uncomfortable and puts you in the awkward situation of approving his intentions.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member indea08's Avatar
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    I agree with Sarah. Iíd break up with him as well.

    Iím cool with my husband having friends that are girls, and Iíve met them all. There were two in particular that didnít sit well with me, so I sort of asked a few of my other friends who knew them better to see if others felt the way I had. None of my other friends had anything good to say about the two girls either. I kept quiet about it for a few more parties/gatherings and they continued to cross the line, so I finally told my husband that I am not willing to be in a relationship that allows room for other people. Neither of us have seen or spoken to those two since. The rest of his female friends have become my friends as well, and thatís how it should be.

    Your boyfriend has allowed PLENTY of room for doubt and insecurity. Itís up to you whether you want to be in a relationship like that or not.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by redswim30
    Do you trust him? Let's forget about what you think may happen- and discuss what actually has happened. There was a girl he kissed before you dated and during your breakup, yet not during. He said he wouldn't contact her, but did, but presumably nothing has actually happened between them.

    Another woman came on to him, and he rejected her advances. You told him you weren't okay with the contact and so he stopped.

    Another girl who is his friend wants to get together. He told you about it and invited you along. Don't overreact to this- She'd probably be uncomfortable because she wants to catch up with him. This is sometimes common with old friends- sometimes it can be awkward if they are discussing people, places and events you don't know of. I have done both with my husband- gone and not gone when he's wanted to meet up with old friends. In all honestly, sometimes I do prefer not going, because you often just sit there while they reference things you don't know. It can get very boring.

    As far as your boyfriend is concerned, it seems like apart from that one little white lie, he's pretty faithful to you.

    You cannot be upset about his having kissed someone else while you weren't together- you weren't together, so that's unreasonable.

    You cannot be mad at him for someone else confessing their feelings for him- he can't control that and it sounds like he rejected her anyway. If he was still friends with her, maybe he didn't want to make her feel bad. Imagine that a old guy friend of yours that you were close to but had no romantic interest in confessed love for you? You would tell him you weren't interested and that you have a boyfriend, but you likely would not shun him or tell him you could never speak to him again. Because honestly, that's kind of cruel- especially if nothing actually happened and no harm was done.

    This other friend sounds like just a friend and he told you and invited you, so I'm not sure why you're upset?

    He's pretty much proven he's faithful to you yet you seem convinced he's going to eventually cheat on you. Why?
    Because he hasn't always been forthcoming about it and I had to find out myself. Plus he has these two female friends in another country that he sees when he's there for work. And they constantly seem to be trying to hook him up with other people or make jokes about him cheating. Which makes me question what he must have told them about our relationship for them to act this way and basically not acknowledge our relationship

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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    If she were a true friend,, I would think that she would have no trouble at all meeting you and including you in the conversation regardless of how long its been since she's seen him.

    I'm surprised your partner didn't just tell her that you're a package deal and that's, that.

    You'll get many different perspectives on this depending on who meets up one on one with opposite sex friends and who doesn't. Its about having the same romantic relationship boundaries as your partner... or not, I don't think mistrust or even insecurity have a say in compatible romantic relationship boundaries.

    Do you meet up with opposite sex friends one-on-one?
    No, I don't, it's always in a group setting. I used to study with an ex every once in a while after me and my bf broke up and shortly after we got back together, but decided I didn't think it was appropriate since we were both attracted to each other and we were both in a serious relationship.

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    Originally Posted by bloempje
    Because he hasn't always been forthcoming about it and I had to find out myself. Plus he has these two female friends in another country that he sees when he's there for work. And they constantly seem to be trying to hook him up with other people or make jokes about him cheating. Which makes me question what he must have told them about our relationship for them to act this way and basically not acknowledge our relationship
    But he DID tell you that the one woman came onto him- which he didn't have to. And he did tell you about the friend he wanted to meet up with. It makes sense if he has friends in other countries that he would see them when visiting there. He can't control other people's thoughts or behaviors. You cannot blame him for other people's actions. If you want to stay with him, then you need to be fair to him.

    BUT- If you really don't trust him or think he's definitely going to cheat on you and furthermore you believe he's trash talking you or your relationship- WHY are you with him?? If you truly don't feel like you can trust him, you should just break up.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member indea08's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by redswim30
    But he DID tell you that the one woman came onto him- which he didn't have to. And he did tell you about the friend he wanted to meet up with. It makes sense if he has friends in other countries that he would see them when visiting there. He can't control other people's thoughts or behaviors. You cannot blame him for other people's actions. If you want to stay with him, then you need to be fair to him.
    I disagree with all of this.

    He shouldnít have told you about the woman coming onto him. That was oversharing and has done nothing but make you more insecure. A good man wouldíve immediately shut her down and removed himself from the situation. No need to make you stress about it.

    And while he canít control other peopleís behaviors, he can absolutely control the situations he puts himself in and the way heís perceived. Clearly he made this girl feel like she had a shot, otherwise she would not have confessed her feelings. A woman doesnít just admit an undying love to a man that she knows is fully in love with someone else. Your boyfriend made himself seem available to her. Thatís on him.

    If heís too socially inept to pick up ques that a woman is interested in more than friendship (I donít believe he is, I think heís just playing innocent so he can do what he wants), then he should stop putting himself in one on one situations with women. Period.

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