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Thread: No Contact is killing me

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by Flipp
    I'm not a hardcore believer/fan of strict NC, but as a tool to help yourself, it's a good thing.

    I thought in the same ways you did for about 4 weeks after the BU. I had regular contact via sms and Snapchat with my ex, and we had long chating sessions at least one or two times every week for those 4 weeks. Then he told me he'd met someone, and THEN I went full NC.

    I did it to

    1) give him a clear cut picture of what he'd chosen (he wanted to stay in touch as "friends", because he "cared about me"), and NC was a way of saying nope, this is how it'll be when you choose the way you do.
    2) give me an oportunity to heal. For me the hardest part was to be reminded of things we did, memories, life together, how effing handsome he is etc... So I just deleted everything, backed up all the pictures to some little harddisc, and deleted them from everywhere, unfriended him on facebook etc. I din't need to block him, because for me it was just torture to even see his name, so I was never even tempted to go to his facebook page or something to see what he was up to.
    3) survive...

    8 months on, I actually did break NC to contact him about something, and it did nothing revolutionary to my life, other than making me feel more in power of this situation. I've actually made some progress about things, he has not... It's knowledge that shouldn't define my emotional state of mind, but it's a sort of relief. Even if he never does anything to get me back or break off with newgirl, - because it means that I ment something to him. That losing me actually impacted him. And thats comforting, regardles of the ultimate outcome.

    So my point is, NC is not the solution to everything forever. But right now it sounds lik it'll do YOU good. He doesn't deserve you being there when he needs a little attention, he's shown that. NC might help you to get in controll and move on.

    But I think it's all about the attitude. The one thing I truly knew with all my heart, was that every time I spoke to him or saw him, and he didn't say or do the things I needed him to (proclame his love, regret his actions etc etc), it was so excruciatingly painful for me. And I couldn't stand that pain. It was worse than missing him. And knwoing that kept me from contacting him in the hardest, few weeks, kept me from stalking newgirl , even when SHE texted she after stalking ME and wanting me to remove things about my ex or about me and him... So my ultimate advice is to find something like this to hold on to when it's at it's worst, and find a diversion. I went to the stables, or called a friend that talked me out of it. And then it gets easier. It's hard though, it just is.
    Thank you so much for your reply. I think what you went through is so similar to me.
    I found out this weekend that he is seeing a new girl. He said he can't be friends with me, and I'm sure he doesn't plan on it. I confronted him about how bad of a "friend" he is to me. He told me I was right and it was his fault, and that he is unsure if we can stay friends. I tried to make it clear that I was over him (even though I'm not) and he probably got the vibe that I wasn't over it.
    Finding out about this new girl was devastating, and I want to be happy for him but I'm not. I'm really upset but I also set this upon myself for not following through with no-contact earlier.
    I have now given up the idea that we will ever be friends again. It's extremely hard to digest this considering how much we know about each other and how close we were. It's hard losing a boyfriend, let alone your best friend.
    Moving forward I will now delete his contact information off my phone and soon will unfollow him on all social media. Now that I know he really has no intention on being friends again I sort of have to act like he died.
    I have started no contact today and this time I will do it for as long as it takes until I heal completely.
    I don't know what part of me always has so much hope in people. I always hope that people will change their mind or come back around, but its so difficult for me to accept the reality of the situation.

    Thank you to everyone who has replied. I welcome any more advice.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by SGH
    These are not the actions of a man who cares about your well-being. Friendship is not possible. He has used you for sex, and now that you've cut off the physical relationship, he is ignoring you.

    I would recommend seeking professional help. You are moving into obsession territory and it is making you ill. No judgment from me, because I've been in a similar state in the past.
    How did you get over the obsession behavior?

  3. #13
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    When you get the urge to contact him, don’t and find something else to occupy the space. I reach out to someone who actually likes hearing from me instead.
    I let my ex come and go like you did and it just dragged things on for me and made it really easy on her. Be you’re first priority, that’s what your ex has done.
    As far as the “obsessive” behavior. I think it’s normal when you’ve invested so much to someone who can do without you. Nothing you’ve said here makes me think you need therapy but it might be nice to be able to speak freely about it with a nonjudgmental person.

  4. #14
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    No Contact is killing me

    Also, if it’s not clear.. this man doesn’t care about you, at least not in the way you want him to care about you. This fact was hard for me to swallow but if it wasn’t true we’d still be together. Break ups are 100% easier for those who choose the break. For one thing they’re getting what they want. Remember this when you want to reach out.

  5.  

  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Tomthumb88
    Also, if it’s not clear.. this man doesn’t care about you, at least not in the way you want him to care about you. This fact was hard for me to swallow but if it wasn’t true we’d still be together. Break ups are 100% easier for those who choose the break. For one thing they’re getting what they want. Remember this when you want to reach out.
    I know, you’re right. It’s just hard for me to swallow knowing someone who said they’d always care about me no matter what, no longer does. Our breakup was mutual at the time. We agreed the spark was lost, but were both somewhat open to getting back together. But after I realized how hard it was, I started missing him like crazy and couldn’t stand being alone. I quickly realized I wanted him back but it was not reciprocated. I wasted my entire year obsessing over a love that was completely dead. I wanted to keep it alive so badly that I would do anything to keep his attention. I thought he would always care about me, at least enough to treat me with some respect. But he told me he thinks no matter what I say or do, I have this ulterior motive to win him back. That also hurts. I am planning to move on without him and have already deleted his number, etc. I just feel so guilty for holding on to this hope for so long, because it completely consumed 7 months of my life and I don’t know how to live my life without him in it, even in my imagination.

  7. #16
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    Just keep living your life.. you shouldn’t feel guilty or shame for caring about a person. We learn and grow in differently. You should stop letting him use you though.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Oh boy, Ive been where you are.

    In case youre wonder why him ignoring you after youve been ignoring him via no contact on and off, your bubble got burst, by playing these games, sleeping with him post break up and ignoring him, youve convinced yourself you had power, you had ultimate control over the emotional turmoil youre putting yourself through and you could stop when you wanted to, just like any addiction.

    Him ignoring you kinda exposed the truth, you are and have been at his mercy.

    Youre addicted.

    That high of hope of maybe things will work out, is addicting, but its all an illusion, if he wanted to be with you he would. Keep reminding yourself that.

  9. #18
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    God I hate this guy. On my 5th day of no contact and he sent me cute puppy pictures on Instagram for no reason. I didn’t reply though. Ugh!

  10. #19
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by tbhmaddie
    God I hate this guy. On my 5th day of no contact and he sent me cute puppy pictures on Instagram for no reason. I didn’t reply though. Ugh!
    You’re playing games with your own emotions.

    You’re back under the impression you’re in power and you have the ability to push him away.

    You serious about moving on?

    Use this ego boost and block him everywhere.

    If you can’t you aren’t ready to get off the roller coaster.

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