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Thread: Dating a Widow - Crash & Burn

  1. #31
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    When I met men through dating sites -over 100 in person - I had to learn to manage my expectations especially since marriage was my goal and I didn't want to get too hung up or attached to someone I realiy didn't know.
    madone - over 100 dates...did you meet your spouse?

  2. #32
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    Originally Posted by RunnerGrlX
    madone - over 100 dates...did you meet your spouse?
    Yes - 100 first meets at least through dating sites and then also many through set ups and print personal ads. Several of my friends met their spouses through online sites over many years -and in one case "like married" - together 13 years and domestic partners (guy and gal, and now a son!). I did not meet my husband that way but was engaged to someone I met through a personal ad and had a number of shorter term relationships -I met some really great people as did many of my friends. I started dating my husband at age 39 (we'd dated in the past, originally met at work) and we got married and had our son when we were 42. He had an online profile and made a mistake in it so I'd never have found him that way in my searches lol! He met a few women through online while we were not together but nothing that lasted long term.

  3. #33
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    Soo update... we ran into one another by sheer chance...He apologized for not having called etc. I wanted to blurt out "you kind of "dumped" me I did not think I would hear from you again period" Instead I just said it's ok I understand. Then as we were leaving I definitely kissed him. Keep in mind I am NOT like that at all - I have NEVER been the one to initiate a kiss (or anything else for that matter) with a man. For some reason though something came over me & I did. He knew I had a 2 hour drive ahead of me & ended it with kissing me on the forehead telling me to please be safe when driving & that he would call in a couple of days. Well he did call me two nights later as promised. I apologized that I perhaps was a little too forward in kissing him & maybe should not have. He laughed and said not to feel that way at all, that he was extremely happy that I did kiss him. Then he invited me to a black tie gala in a few weeks to go with him to... go figure?

  4. #34
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    Originally Posted by RunnerGrlX
    Soo update... we ran into one another by sheer chance...He apologized for not having called etc. I wanted to blurt out "you kind of "dumped" me I did not think I would hear from you again period" Instead I just said it's ok I understand. Then as we were leaving I definitely kissed him. Keep in mind I am NOT like that at all - I have NEVER been the one to initiate a kiss (or anything else for that matter) with a man. For some reason though something came over me & I did. He knew I had a 2 hour drive ahead of me & ended it with kissing me on the forehead telling me to please be safe when driving & that he would call in a couple of days. Well he did call me two nights later as promised. I apologized that I perhaps was a little too forward in kissing him & maybe should not have. He laughed and said not to feel that way at all, that he was extremely happy that I did kiss him. Then he invited me to a black tie gala in a few weeks to go with him to... go figure?
    Well....so you decided to have no backbone
    He needs a date for his black tie function because he doesn't have his wife anymore to fill that spot.
    If i were you, I would actively continue to try to meet other men for first meets.
    You are not beholden to him.
    Don't be surprised if you chase him that you will get the same story in six months that he is not ready.
    Live your life.
    If you go to the black tie event, then make it as a one off thing. Remember what he said.

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  6. #35
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    Originally Posted by RedDress
    Sometimes «I’m not ready» really means «I’m not ready». I think this guy really means «I’m not ready».
    I agree with RedDress.

    A death triggers a grief process that is similar to, but not the same, as a break-up. Essentially, you never have to let go of a deceased person, not completely.

    In time, you can move on into a new relationship, and I think this chap is being careful not to dive in too fast.

    I would guess he has a lot of conflicts in his head he needs to resolve. Such as, am I just trying to replace the children's mother? Is that fair on RunnerGirl? Am I disrespecting her by comparing her to my wife?
    Do I have room in my heart to love her and give her what she wants? Am I really interested in her, or am I just going through the motions here, because I am lonely and miss intimate* female companionship?


    I would not suggest you disappear, but I would suggest you give him what he implicitly asked for - time to sort himself out.

    As for the black tie thing, go without expectations, and have a great night! You two only had two dates, you didn't really start a relationship, so being friendly is not in this instance friendzone stuff IMHO.

    Anyway he called it, not you, and it may just be another sterling example of how backing away a bit resolves perceived crises.

    [*Not sex per se, that is only part of what I am talking about. The best way I can explain that is the well known example of the widowed mother turning to
    her son for male emotional support, to replace her husband's. This has nothing to do with physical intimacy - although they usually dislike any woman you happen to be with.
    I can personally vouch for that!]

  7. #36
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    Well....so you decided to have no backbone
    He needs a date for his black tie function because he doesn't have his wife anymore to fill that spot.
    If i were you, I would actively continue to try to meet other men for first meets.
    You are not beholden to him.
    Don't be surprised if you chase him that you will get the same story in six months that he is not ready.
    Live your life.
    If you go to the black tie event, then make it as a one off thing. Remember what he said.
    I agree with all of that except the bit about backbone.

    IMHO Runnergirl is showing strength, by showing she is interested romantically (which he said made him happy), but also giving widower the space he wanted.

    Which is probably why he invited her, instead of some purely platonic female friend.

    I do think RG should keep it light for the time being, and should not wait for him.

  8. #37
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    At this point in time, we are merely friends, with perhaps a small smidge more. He needs time and space, and that is what he will get. In the meantime, if I happen to meet someone, I would obviously pursue that. I cannot be solely stuck on one person who isn't emotionally available at this point in time. As for the gala, it is not about whether or not I have a backbone, it is about going there to support him (the reason for the gala affects him directly), besides what woman out there doesn't love to get glammed up for a big night out? What comes of this with him, only time will tell. I do wish I could tell him to seek out some therapy, but it is not quite my place. His children lately are asking for mom, which tears him up emotionally, understandably so, and only further pushes him backwards, to the point where it seems like he may almost be teetering on the brink of depression.

  9. #38
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    Originally Posted by RunnerGrlX
    At this point in time, we are merely friends, with perhaps a small smidge more. He needs time and space, and that is what he will get. In the meantime, if I happen to meet someone, I would obviously pursue that. I cannot be solely stuck on one person who isn't emotionally available at this point in time. As for the gala, it is not about whether or not I have a backbone, it is about going there to support him (the reason for the gala affects him directly), besides what woman out there doesn't love to get glammed up for a big night out? What comes of this with him, only time will tell. I do wish I could tell him to seek out some therapy, but it is not quite my place. His children lately are asking for mom, which tears him up emotionally, understandably so, and only further pushes him backwards, to the point where it seems like he may almost be teetering on the brink of depression.
    I would hate to get dressed up for a night out with someone who wasn't that into me and where I had to settle for the scraps of "friends and a smidge more".

    It's not an "only time will tell". It's "only YOU will tell" -only you will be the one who's willing to be honest with herself even if it means not seeing him anymore/skipping a fancy night out.

    (I once went to a fancy night out with a guy who stopped dating me pretty suddenly. He called me I think because of this fancy event and he wanted to go with a plus one as his colleagues would be as well. It was to a really fancy steak place I'd wanted to go to and one of the attendees was related to the owner so we got the best of the best). I went because I was no longer interested in dating him at all and it was fun to get dressed up and try the restaurant. We were entirely on the same page about it so it all worked.)

  10. #39
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    Originally Posted by RunnerGrlX
    At this point in time, we are merely friends, with perhaps a small smidge more. He needs time and space, and that is what he will get. In the meantime, if I happen to meet someone, I would obviously pursue that. I cannot be solely stuck on one person who isn't emotionally available at this point in time. As for the gala, it is not about whether or not I have a backbone, it is about going there to support him (the reason for the gala affects him directly), besides what woman out there doesn't love to get glammed up for a big night out? What comes of this with him, only time will tell. I do wish I could tell him to seek out some therapy, but it is not quite my place. His children lately are asking for mom, which tears him up emotionally, understandably so, and only further pushes him backwards, to the point where it seems like he may almost be teetering on the brink of depression.
    You are a good lady.

    And yes give him time, and no don't nursemaid him.

    But when you decide to commit - go all in. You don't want to die wondering.

  11. #40
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    I am chiming in late but if you really feel he's worth it, let him know that you understand, and although you don't want to pressure him, that you would more than love for him to contact you when he feels that he is ready.

    But for now, you will respect his space and let it be.

    And then let things be.
    Don't push, don't message, don't check up on him. Just let this go on his terms and when he feels he wants to contact you.

    You can always date in the meantime, but definitely, if you want a chance at all with this man, leave him be until he contacts you.

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