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Thread: Dating a Widow - Crash & Burn

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    I think that he is being honest. I have widowers/widows in the family and they think they are ready - they are even excited about the prospect, but once they go out on a few dates, they realize they are not. Grief of a lost spouse is different than "being ready to date" after a broken relationship. Im my observation, some widowers are ready to date -- to have a plus one for an event, maybe go for coffee or have an activity partner here and there but they are not always ready to meet someone with whom they fall in love with yet. He didn't deceive you. Grief is weird and not linear. Also, something could have happened to make him realize his children are not ready for him to date either. They *are* tiny and i could understand also that after driving an hour to meet you, dealing with childcare he realizes he may also not be ready, even if he feels that way "on paper"
    I could go into that with you... the youngest doesn't know who mommy is, the eldest remembers and lately was asking about mommy & having crying fits for her. So he decided to go to the cemetery& while he was there he lost it, all of the emotions for her came back & he realized he was still in love with her etc & feels guilty... & that was pretty much what killed it for us...

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    The 2nd date was just that: a 2nd date. A normal, few more hours spent together.

    But after this, you declared yourselves a "couple" removing your profiles. This is unrealistic.
    Second date was another 4 & 1/2 hour date - I know it sounds totally bizarre to have marathon dates like that, but it only felt like an hour had lapsed, the conversation & laughter seemed to flow seamlessly without pause .
    We did not label as being a couple, just that we were done with searching & would solely focus on seeing where this would go between us.

  3. #23
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    I would give him the benefit of the doubt that he thought he was ready and realized he is not. For whatever reason. And please please do not assume the 2 year old doesnít know mommy. My son knew me from well right away and in infancy he would stare at me and he knew me. And around then if daddy came home he went crazy with delight. He knew him too. Will he remember his mom? Likely not as he is two. But Iím sure heíll see photos and videos and he will know. I mention all this because please donít minimize in any way what they are going through and by extension their father.
    I was close with my late cousinís husband. He was in his mid 30s when she died. No kids. At first he swore heíd never marry again. He loved her so much. I supported him in however he chose to grieve and fully believed heíd marry again. But did not say this to him. He was ready within about a year. He met his wife through a singles organization and they married about two years later and now have kids. She was very marriage and kids driven but by that point he was too. And he was over the moon about her from the beginning. Never doubted or dated anyone else. I do not think they went at the speed of light though. They were both busy professionals and she had an scif e social life and many friends. I think taking it at a reasonable pace was right for both of them. She was a little younger than he was and single never married.
    Iíd move on and not over think this since you only met him twice. Iím sorry youíre disappointed. I also went on a few dates with widows when I was on dating sites. It was kind of awkward.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    And please please do not assume the 2 year old doesnít know mommy. My son knew me from well right away and in infancy he would stare at me and he knew me. And around then if daddy came home he went crazy with delight. He knew him too. Will he remember his mom? Likely not as he is two. But Iím sure heíll see photos and videos and he will know. I mention all this because please donít minimize in any way what they are going through and by extension their father.
    Oh no, I am fully aware that the youngest knew who mom was, just that she will not remember mom. On the same token, & now this is solely my opinion, whomever he does bring around those children when he is ready to do so, must remember that those children have a mother who will honor and cherish her memory whether it be through photographs, videos etc & should support them to do so. The youngest is not having rough nights crying about mom, whereas the eldest is. All I meant was I do not think that the daughter remembers mom, or ever will, but obviously the son does & has been affected by the loss of her. It was just that as soon as the eldest started with crying for mommy, is when everything started to decline & the visit to the cemetery was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak.

    I kind of feel like we just met at the wrong time in one another's lives perhaps. The first question I asked him when we spoke on the phone was "are you sure you are ready to date, because if we are truly on the same page as discussed, I do not want to find out 6 months down the road you're not yet ready to date"
    He vehemently assured me that he was ready.
    & guess what, now he isn't

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by RunnerGrlX
    Oh no, I am fully aware that the youngest knew who mom was, just that she will not remember mom. On the same token, & now this is solely my opinion, whomever he does bring around those children when he is ready to do so, must remember that those children have a mother who will honor and cherish her memory whether it be through photographs, videos etc & should support them to do so. The youngest is not having rough nights crying about mom, whereas the eldest is. All I meant was I do not think that the daughter remembers mom, or ever will, but obviously the son does & has been affected by the loss of her. It was just that as soon as the eldest started with crying for mommy, is when everything started to decline & the visit to the cemetery was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak.

    I kind of feel like we just met at the wrong time in one another's lives perhaps. The first question I asked him when we spoke on the phone was "are you sure you are ready to date, because if we are truly on the same page as discussed, I do not want to find out 6 months down the road you're not yet ready to date"
    He vehemently assured me that he was ready.
    & guess what, now he isn't
    Oh my heart goes out to that family... and to you OP.. while I do think you would clearly honor and cherish the memory of his wife and their mom, at the end of the day this is a horrible thing they are dealing with and it's no surprise that he has pulled back, particularly if his eldest kiddo is still having such strong feelings about his mom.

    I think you are right that it's the right person and wrong time... sometimes this happens and we just have to let it go and accept the situation for what it is. I am sure you will find someone that is as ready for a relationship as you are.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Bad timing is a real thing and this may be just that.

    I try and look at the good side of what appears to be events. To me the good side is that this happened fairly early in your dating (actually really early) so that is way better than 6 months from now. Also this has been a revelation for him so he can look away from the loneliness and loss he has been feeling and begin to deal with the actual loss of his wife. I am sure you want him all healed up and totally ready for a real relationship right?

    Try and see this as a positive step at least for him. Also being a widow can be crushing with two small children because you never get a chance to mourn properly. The children are your main focus and there is little time to heal yourself. Meeting you may have helped him more than you may ever know...

    Lost

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by RunnerGrlX
    Oh no, I am fully aware that the youngest knew who mom was, just that she will not remember mom. On the same token, & now this is solely my opinion, whomever he does bring around those children when he is ready to do so, must remember that those children have a mother who will honor and cherish her memory whether it be through photographs, videos etc & should support them to do so. The youngest is not having rough nights crying about mom, whereas the eldest is. All I meant was I do not think that the daughter remembers mom, or ever will, but obviously the son does & has been affected by the loss of her. It was just that as soon as the eldest started with crying for mommy, is when everything started to decline & the visit to the cemetery was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak.

    I kind of feel like we just met at the wrong time in one another's lives perhaps. The first question I asked him when we spoke on the phone was "are you sure you are ready to date, because if we are truly on the same page as discussed, I do not want to find out 6 months down the road you're not yet ready to date"
    He vehemently assured me that he was ready.
    & guess what, now he isn't
    Just because the younger one is not crying for mom now means absolutely nothing about the effect his losing her has had on him. It just means that right now he's not crying for mom. I just bring this point home because maybe it will give you even more perspective on what this man is going through and since he obviously loves his kids he knows that just because the younger one isn't showing with tears or actions the loss he has suffered he knows that he needs to be there in the future when it is likely he will present with effects of this great loss.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Just because the younger one is not crying for mom now means absolutely nothing about the effect his losing her has had on him. It just means that right now he's not crying for mom. I just bring this point home because maybe it will give you even more perspective on what this man is going through and since he obviously loves his kids he knows that just because the younger one isn't showing with tears or actions the loss he has suffered he knows that he needs to be there in the future when it is likely he will present with effects of this great loss.
    Agreed...I do not think that he, as in Dad, never grieved appropriately. Perhaps the eldest showing signs of grief now is a wake up to him (Dad) that he never truly grieved appropriately either. Realistically, he had to go into dual roles for a while, but upon the passing of his late wife, he still had to continue with those dual roles and never had a time to break down himself and face his tremendous loss. His children are priority #1 and he needs to be there for them, I just hope that he finds a way to heal on his own too. I truly do hope that he reaches out for support for himself, or his children, if and when needed.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    Bad timing is a real thing and this may be just that.

    I try and look at the good side of what appears to be events. To me the good side is that this happened fairly early in your dating (actually really early) so that is way better than 6 months from now. Also this has been a revelation for him so he can look away from the loneliness and loss he has been feeling and begin to deal with the actual loss of his wife. I am sure you want him all healed up and totally ready for a real relationship right?

    Try and see this as a positive step at least for him. Also being a widow can be crushing with two small children because you never get a chance to mourn properly. The children are your main focus and there is little time to heal yourself. Meeting you may have helped him more than you may ever know...

    Lost
    Thank you. I appreciate the honesty & perspective, I truly do.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by RunnerGrlX
    Agreed...I do not think that he, as in Dad, never grieved appropriately. Perhaps the eldest showing signs of grief now is a wake up to him (Dad) that he never truly grieved appropriately either. Realistically, he had to go into dual roles for a while, but upon the passing of his late wife, he still had to continue with those dual roles and never had a time to break down himself and face his tremendous loss. His children are priority #1 and he needs to be there for them, I just hope that he finds a way to heal on his own too. I truly do hope that he reaches out for support for himself, or his children, if and when needed.
    Yes. And I hope you get to a place of perspective and realize you only had one official date with him and only met him twice. When I met men through dating sites -over 100 in person - I had to learn to manage my expectations especially since marriage was my goal and I didn't want to get too hung up or attached to someone I realiy didn't know.

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