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Thread: Dating a Widow - Crash & Burn

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by RunnerGrlX
    Ok folks - I apologize in advance, this is long winded

    So I decided finally to try out a dating website to meet hopefully a man with the potential for a LTR/marriage & the prospect to have children. Yes it sounds like a lot, but I was being upfront & honest about what my intentions are, being I am 37 I am not looking to date someone for years on end. After about a month and a half of failed attempts I received an email from a 40 y/o man. He was cute, read his profile, we seemed to be on the same page. Turns out he has been widowed for a year and has two small children (2 & 5). After some digging, I came to see that he emailed me the day after his late wife's' bday (was that a red flag?!). We exchanged a couple of emails back and forth & hit it off immediately. I, for one, have never hit it off with any man that easily before. He even agreed that the feeling was mutual. Then we took it a step up to talking on the phone. Our conversations pursued even longer & still just as great, so we made plans to meet. He drove down to meet me at a fancy restaurant near my beach home which is over an hour away (my other home is located 5 minutes from where he lives). When we met all I could think was wow I hit the jackpot. We closed out the restaurant with our 4 hour meal of laughter & talking. He walked me to my car where I gave him a quick peck goodnight Ė I was officially sold on him. The next day he called me to plan our next date, which due to travel & work schedules, was set for Valentine's Day. He picked me up, and again date #2 was another great night. I thought wow, this may really have the potential to go somewhere, and how did I get so lucky. After that our interaction was limited to talkís every single night. While it bothered me that we had not seen one another, I understood being he has children & sometimes our schedules arenít exactly compatible. Then, towards the last two weeks our communication went south. I couldn't understand what the issue was, so I called him. He just kept apologizing, so I asked him for what? - his response "Iím not ready, you're soo great, I am so sorry but I still love her & need to be there for my children. Right now I just need some space" I told him that I know he still loves her and he always will, which I understand. All he did was apologize & tell me how I am so great, he didn't think he would meet someone like me, how I am beyond beautiful & he feels awful" So the end result, he needs space & we should take it slow. I NEVER saw this coming. I am crushed. In all of the dating I have done, I have never met someone like him. We had the same values, traditions, dreams, children, spousal roles, interests, religious values, needs & expectations, ideals, literally we were on the same wavelength with one another in all of the areas where it counts in a spouse/marriage. To me, this man is more than worth it, he has met my mom, I have photos and videos he sent me of his children. Also his child had a virus & I sent a text to say that I hope he feels better, fully assuming that would be the last communication. A day later he gets back to me and we were texting about the child and their plans for the day... I have not heard anything since (ok granted it has only been 3 days) but I am not sure he will reach out to me again & since he said he needs space, I feel I cannot reach out to him for a good 2-3 weeks, if at all. My friend feels that he may have started to fall for me or started to notice feelings like when he was married & it scared the heck out of him.. I am, well, devastated to put it mildly... Do I give him space, or do I just leave the situation alone & move on?
    Welcome, RunnerGrlX. For future, could you please break up your posts into smaller paragraphs, with spaces, to make them easier to read?

    I bolded a few things from your post, so here are my questions:

    It looks like you only went on 2 actual dates: the first night you met, and Valentine's Day. Is that correct?

    How did he meet your mom? Do you live with her?

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by RunnerGrlX
    He just finished having a custom 5 bedroom home built. 1 is the master bedroom, bedroom 2 & 3 are for the current children, & bedroom 4 & 5 are for his future children that he want's to have. .
    Custom homes take a long time to build. Are you sure those werenít the plans he had with his late wife? That it wasnít under construction or something when she passed?

  3. #13
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    I think that he is being honest. I have widowers/widows in the family and they think they are ready - they are even excited about the prospect, but once they go out on a few dates, they realize they are not. Grief of a lost spouse is different than "being ready to date" after a broken relationship. Im my observation, some widowers are ready to date -- to have a plus one for an event, maybe go for coffee or have an activity partner here and there but they are not always ready to meet someone with whom they fall in love with yet. He didn't deceive you. Grief is weird and not linear. Also, something could have happened to make him realize his children are not ready for him to date either. They *are* tiny and i could understand also that after driving an hour to meet you, dealing with childcare he realizes he may also not be ready, even if he feels that way "on paper"

  4. #14
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    btw, you didn't crash and burn. It wasn't a match. Meet the next guy. Keep your chin up

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by RedDress
    Custom homes take a long time to build. Are you sure those werenít the plans he had with his late wife? That it wasnít under construction or something when she passed?
    Actually, depending on the builder, some of them hustle up pretty quick -- but if she only died a year ago -- i bet they already committed to it before she died.

  7. #16
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    OP, you have only been on two dates. I do not understand how you can be devastated.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    Welcome, RunnerGrlX. For future, could you please break up your posts into smaller paragraphs, with spaces, to make them easier to read?

    I bolded a few things from your post, so here are my questions:

    It looks like you only went on 2 actual dates: the first night you met, and Valentine's Day. Is that correct?

    How did he meet your mom? Do you live with her?
    Yes two dates due to me being in another state, then finally when I was back up where he lives, things were hectic, but we spoke every night between 9 & 11, until it faded...
    When I am at my other place, my mom was in. Since he picked me up, he came to the door to get me & came in while I got my coat. He knew she would be there, even brought her a box of chocolates :-/

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by RedDress
    Custom homes take a long time to build. Are you sure those werenít the plans he had with his late wife? That it wasnít under construction or something when she passed?
    No I know the development, it is 2 miles from my other place. He revealed to me that when she was alive they planned to renovate their current home, but then she got sick so everything went on the back burner. After she passed, he ditched those plans to start fresh, which encompassed building a new home.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    Actually, depending on the builder, some of them hustle up pretty quick -- but if she only died a year ago -- i bet they already committed to it before she died.
    Yeah... I guess they can be quick - but Iím just having a hard time envisionning someone who just lost their wife, and all the grief (and paperwork!) that goes along with that, suddenly finding himself a single dad and adjusting to that, working, cooking, daycare, etc. excitedly running off to build a custom home (and move!) for a future woman he had not yet met and the kids he hopes to have one day with her. Before he started dating.

    I would also bet that these were the plans he had with his late wife.

    He may not have even started to envision what his life will be like now... and heís kind of trying to pop another woman in those pre-existing plans, and that (understandably) feels weird and wrong.

    Edit: Hmmm... we posted at the same time. Ok, then. Maybe that was his plan then.

  11. #20
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    So you really only saw each other in person twice.

    Once was the first meet, which really should have just been a coffee for an hour, closer to where you both live.

    There was a lot of fantasy build-up here. The fact that he drove an hour, and you two turned it into a 4-hour night, on the first meet, led to some idealization and some projections of perfection, which simply didn't exist.

    The 2nd date was just that: a 2nd date. A normal, few more hours spent together.

    But after this, you declared yourselves a "couple" removing your profiles. This is unrealistic.

    My guess is, it's a combination of a lot of things, but bottom line, he just wasn't into it as much as you are.

    As much as he says he's not ready to date, he misses his wife, etc., don't be surprised to see him pop back up on the dating site.

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