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Thread: Dating a Widow - Crash & Burn

  1. #1
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    Dating a Widow - Crash & Burn

    Ok folks - I apologize in advance, this is long winded

    So I decided finally to try out a dating website to meet hopefully a man with the potential for a LTR/marriage & the prospect to have children. Yes it sounds like a lot, but I was being upfront & honest about what my intentions are, being I am 37 I am not looking to date someone for years on end. After about a month and a half of failed attempts I received an email from a 40 y/o man. He was cute, read his profile, we seemed to be on the same page. Turns out he has been widowed for a year and has two small children (2 & 5). After some digging, I came to see that he emailed me the day after his late wife's' bday (was that a red flag?!). We exchanged a couple of emails back and forth & hit it off immediately. I, for one, have never hit it off with any man that easily before. He even agreed that the feeling was mutual. Then we took it a step up to talking on the phone. Our conversations pursued even longer & still just as great, so we made plans to meet. He drove down to meet me at a fancy restaurant near my beach home which is over an hour away (my other home is located 5 minutes from where he lives). When we met all I could think was wow I hit the jackpot. We closed out the restaurant with our 4 hour meal of laughter & talking. He walked me to my car where I gave him a quick peck goodnight – I was officially sold on him. The next day he called me to plan our next date, which due to travel & work schedules, was set for Valentine's Day. He picked me up, and again date #2 was another great night. I thought wow, this may really have the potential to go somewhere, and how did I get so lucky. After that our interaction was limited to talk’s every single night. While it bothered me that we had not seen one another, I understood being he has children & sometimes our schedules aren’t exactly compatible. Then, towards the last two weeks our communication went south. I couldn't understand what the issue was, so I called him. He just kept apologizing, so I asked him for what? - his response "I’m not ready, you're soo great, I am so sorry but I still love her & need to be there for my children. Right now I just need some space" I told him that I know he still loves her and he always will, which I understand. All he did was apologize & tell me how I am so great, he didn't think he would meet someone like me, how I am beyond beautiful & he feels awful" So the end result, he needs space & we should take it slow. I NEVER saw this coming. I am crushed. In all of the dating I have done, I have never met someone like him. We had the same values, traditions, dreams, children, spousal roles, interests, religious values, needs & expectations, ideals, literally we were on the same wavelength with one another in all of the areas where it counts in a spouse/marriage. To me, this man is more than worth it, he has met my mom, I have photos and videos he sent me of his children. Also his child had a virus & I sent a text to say that I hope he feels better, fully assuming that would be the last communication. A day later he gets back to me and we were texting about the child and their plans for the day... I have not heard anything since (ok granted it has only been 3 days) but I am not sure he will reach out to me again & since he said he needs space, I feel I cannot reach out to him for a good 2-3 weeks, if at all. My friend feels that he may have started to fall for me or started to notice feelings like when he was married & it scared the heck out of him.. I am, well, devastated to put it mildly... Do I give him space, or do I just leave the situation alone & move on?

  2. #2
    Silver Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Call me skeptical, but I'm not buying his excuse about needing space because he still loves his ex. He knew he still loved his wife when he put himself on a dating site.

    I think he probably met someone else on his dating site who he thinks has more potential than you, and he's just making up BS excuses.

    He knows your phone number. I say DO NOT contact him again.

  3. #3
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    I am not making excuses for him with the following but with talking every single night, I am not sure where or when he would even have time to realistically meet someone. Also we both deleted our accounts together. I now have a new profile & he is not on. I also flat out asked him if it was someone else, and he said no. I do not peg him as a liar either, not by any means.

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    Sometimes «I’m not ready» is a line people use to mean «I’m not interested». Sometimes «I’m not ready» really means «I’m not ready». I think this guy really means «I’m not ready».

    Given the way you started your thread about your age and wanting kids - you are not just «normal» levels of ready, but also ready for the «fast track».

    This, unfortunately, makes you incompatible.

    Given the age of his kids, I’m going to guess they may have been together 10 years and his wife has been gone maybe a year? He might be lonely but not truly ready for another 3 or 4 years (but everyone is different).

    The rest comes down to your philosophy of dating. If you get along that well, there is nothing wrong with staying casual friends - but don’t pin any romantic hopes on him. He will likely unintentionally, from s place of pain, jerk you around a bit. But... i mean... I’ve made some cherished friends from online dating that way... a lot of the things we look for in romantic partners and friends are the same.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    So many people assume that since some people lie and blow you off that EVERYONE does the same thing. There has to be a certain amount of faith or you will get nowhere fast.

    He has seemed genuine and honest thus far so why not take him at his word. He may very well thought he was ready to date until he met you and it went so well. He probably thought he would start dating and get jerked around, blown off and have a hard time meeting someone special and then you came along.

    Reading what he told you it sounds really long winded for a blow off.

    He didn't ask you to wait for him did he? Then you can continue to meet new people while he has his space. I would give him a call and ask him what "take it slow" means. See how he wants to move forward and then decide if you are okay with that. Say he wants to go on two dates a month and talk on the phone a few times a week are you fine with that? What about intimacy?

    One question: Is he still active on the dating app? Just saw that you answered this question.

    Lost

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    SOne question: Is he still active on the dating app? Just saw that you answered this question.

    Lost
    No he is not.

  8. #7
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    I don't know. Getting over the death of a loved one can take a very long time and even if you think you're ready you may have conflicted feelings which tell you that in fact you're not. I once dated a guy a year after he lost his wife to cancer and he was still in bits, but didn't realise how much until he started seeing new women.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    He didn't ask you to wait for him did he? no, just he needs space, we should take it slow Then you can continue to meet new people while he has his space. I would give him a call and ask him what "take it slow" means. See how he wants to move forward and then decide if you are okay with that. valid point. I still will wait a week or 2, as I am still a bit of a mess from it all & do not want to start babbling & crying. Say he wants to go on two dates a month and talk on the phone a few times a week are you fine with that? honestly yes, he is more than worth it to me What about intimacy? one day at a time


    Lost
    i think i replied to the messages in this (I wrote in italics)

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by RedDress
    Sometimes «I’m not ready» is a line people use to mean «I’m not interested». Sometimes «I’m not ready» really means «I’m not ready». I think this guy really means «I’m not ready».

    Given the way you started your thread about your age and wanting kids - you are not just «normal» levels of ready, but also ready for the «fast track».

    This, unfortunately, makes you incompatible.

    Given the age of his kids, I’m going to guess they may have been together 10 years and his wife has been gone maybe a year? He might be lonely but not truly ready for another 3 or 4 years (but everyone is different).

    The rest comes down to your philosophy of dating. If you get along that well, there is nothing wrong with staying casual friends - but don’t pin any romantic hopes on him. He will likely unintentionally, from s place of pain, jerk you around a bit. But... i mean... I’ve made some cherished friends from online dating that way... a lot of the things we look for in romantic partners and friends are the same.
    He just finished having a custom 5 bedroom home built. 1 is the master bedroom, bedroom 2 & 3 are for the current children, & bedroom 4 & 5 are for his future children that he want's to have. I mean sure he could wait another 5 to 10 years to date and have children, but does he want age gaps in his children to be hedging on 10+ years? I know that he does not want huge age gaps like that. It is just a crappy situation for me. But you are correct, if we remain in the friend zone, he would be one heck of a great friend to have, that is for sure.

  11. #10
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    Red flags were there. Too soon for him to be dating.

    You need to cut this off, and move on.

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